Four Ways Parents Can Minimize Stress While Maximizing Kids' Wellbeing

  Exams have passed.Graduations have been celebrated.Summer’s coming hard upon us.

Our kids have been feeling it, really feeling it — the stress that has them wound up tight, stress that makes them doubt themselves, stress that overwhelms every bit of courage to dig deep, reach in, and press on into their lives and their dreams.

Sometimes a momma’s heart, hating to see the worry etched across their baby’s forehead, feels compelled to remove, or soothe, or just make the big, bad wolves go away so that everything will be okay for their little one.

We know better, but sometimes a momma’s heart just can’t help herself.

Parents longing to protect their kids sometimes suffocate the experiences that grow rooted souls and resilient minds.We forget that we are not changing the world to coddle our kids, we are growing gladiator kids to change the world.

What I know is that every night sitting around the kitchen table doing homework, every Saturday morning when chores are needing to be done, early on Sunday morning when the alarm goes off for church, we have a choice— a choice to let the pressures of parenting weigh us down, or a choice to write our own parenting proclamation designed to free and not constrain us, purposed for empowering and not extinguishing the fire that’s in the hearts of our kids.

Here are four ways parents can reclaim their homes and reinvigorate their kids, in order to embrace a new way of parenting with a lot less burden and a lot more joy.

1. We can give our families the grace of just being.

We’ve got too much ‘doing’as it is.Our kids are starved in being, in becoming.In sitting quietly exploring a favorite book, a puzzle, or finding beauty in simply doing nothing at all, their minds can listen inward to discover their soul-worth in Christ so they can recharge their wisdom and creativity outside the noise and distraction of a phone or video game.

Busy is not always better. Children don’t need an entertainment coordinator nearly as much as they need us to model for them lives of space, of proportion, and meaning. We can make our homes a refuge of prayer, a haven of hope, and they will grow within them an anchor to steady their anxious hearts, they will know the grace of being fully present in each moment, without worrying about the next.

Luke 12:27-31(NIV) tells us, Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them.But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

We can cultivate the gift of calm.

Perhaps we weren’t meant to control it all or fix it all for our children (or ourselves, for that matter.)We can give ourselves the tender gift of calm.Like the exhale of a warm, summer rain, we too, can learn to exhale, to release the stresses and worries of the day that invade our inner sanctum, and quietly, graciously surrender them to the Father.We can observe the rhythms of our heart and mind.We can choose gratitude.Always.

Gratitude changes the reflection in the mirror—how we see His hand, His heart, His love writing itself into our despair, our brokenness.Gratitude removes the shadows of criticism and self-condemnation, allowing us to settle into a new flow of freedom, of peace, of joy pouring in and pouring out, seeping into every corner and every crevice of our homes.A calm, grateful heart in parents points young hearts towards their Creator instead of their circumstances.

[click_to_tweet tweet="A calm, grateful heart in parents points young hearts towards their Creator instead of their circumstances." quote="A calm, grateful heart in parents points young hearts towards their Creator instead of their circumstances."]

If you haven’t read my book, Peace For A Lifetime,it is written with parents in mind and equips them with strategies that are powerful for cultivating Emotional Abundance into children’s hearts and lives.

It is only with gratitude that life becomes rich!  _Dietrich Bonhoeffer

We can learn to let go of ‘perfect.’

Our kids don’t need a ‘perfect’parent, they simply need us.Just as we are.It is simply not our job to beeverything, or doeverything for our children.It isn’t.Parents who race around removing every sadness, every imperfection, every disappointment from their children’s lives don’t build strong spirits, don’t build in them the guts or the grit to overcome the injustices that are sure to meet them along their paths.

We waste so much time trying to protect our kids from this vast world instead of preparing them for it.

We unconsciously use our children to undo, heal, correct, or rewrite everything that was wrong in our childhoods.Could we free them from our need to make things ‘perfect?’ Could we give them instead experiences of creativity and kindness, wonder and wisdom, instilling in them hearts bulging with compassion and confidence?

We can be compassion warriors.

Much of the time parents recognize how easy it is to be a shame speaker.Don’t worry.Don’t feel that way.Don’t do this.Don’t do that. We say these things as much to ourselves as we do our kids, or anyone else for that matter.We are irreverent and unkind with our own meager humanity, especially when it is exhausted and empty.

How much harder is it for us to breathe compassion over our children when we find it impossible to give it to ourselves?

We can make it our mission to become compassion warriors  —to welcome in all of the parts and pieces of our brokenness, to allow ourselves the gift of feeling, of speaking life instead of death, love instead of hate. 

The words we speak to ourselves are the words being imprinted on our children’s hearts.How kind are they?

So as summer kicks off, let’s do things a little different.Let’s go against the grain.Let’s reclaim our homes and our peace in a way that will not only give each of us a lot less stress and a lot more joy, but will also build up our children’s stress-resilience and allow them to grow solid, strong souls. Ready for life.Ready for battle.Ready for Christ’s calling.

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

What To Do When You Are Waiting For Your Life To Bloom

I waited every spring for the peonies to bloom.

Tracing the edge of an earlier autumn sun, I remember so carefully digging a home for them in the soil.

I waited, anticipating their gracious blooms.My heart was desperate for their beauty.Sometimes we need beauty to remind us that our journey has a purpose, that weeds won’t ultimately betray our pain, and that life will spring forth from the dust.

Each year I tended the soil, removed any weeds from their surroundings.I watched the greenish-red shoots as they shot up from the ground.And yes, the plants grew big, though year after year they yielded no blooms.

It’s as if the night brought no morning, and these heavy labor pains bore no grace, no fulfillment for this awful stirring in my soul.

Something inside me wanted to uproot these delicate, brave stems, to find the soil of validation and comfort for my meager plants to grow.I saw other bushes in the garden swell with blossoms and desired my fragile gifts to unfurl brightly and boldly.

The purposes that God plants in our heart sometimes feel barren and fruitless.It can feel painful to hold onto unseen and often unrealized dreams, to miss the watering of tender soul-roots or the birth of their expected harvest.

I am learning, sometimes slowly, sometimes with an ache in my step and a strain on my brow, to surrender my expectation for the harvest, to reclaim my steps beside the Master.Yielding to His ways, His timing, His process for this cynical and stubborn heart of mine, forces me to remember this sacred pilgrimage is not even in the tiniest way about me.

Just as I can never force or cajole tender blossoms from my peonies, I can never coerce or demand my own vision or destiny for my life.

God knew finding my destiny would pale in comparison to finding His presence.Exercising His joy in each and every moment.Pursuing holy.

Henri Nouwen describes, Joy and laughter are the gifts of living in the presence of God and trusting that tomorrow is not worth worrying about.

He knew I’d have the tendency to rush the miraculous, to manage this internal metamorphosis that is transforming me into His image.Perhaps that is why He so loving spoke to me,

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? (Matt 6:25-30, NIV)

He understood the most beautiful of nature’s gifts could not satisfy the eternal cravings in my heart.He gave me the one thing He knew would fill me, heal me, mold me, and complete me.He gave me Himself.Utterly and completely.Arms spread open wide.

Practicing His presence, I’m discovering He is enough.Period.

Sometimes we need to be reminded that the subtle surrender of our ways, our wants, our hopes and dreams, frees us to settle in and enjoy the surroundings.

And on that lovely, bright, spring morning when I stepped into my garden, I discovered the most brilliant, beautiful peonies had appeared right before my eyes.

When I least expected it.Right on time.

I wait every year for the peonies to bloom.

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

The One Quality Guaranteed To Make You Healthy, Wealthy, and Wise

The Secret Of Delayed Gratification

Could you sit with your favorite cookie in front of you and not eat it? Could you eye a favorite shirt at the department store and make a choice not to buy it?

Surprisingly, many individuals can’t. Whether in their relationships with finances, food, work, or romance, many people find it difficult-to-impossible to resist the urges they feel in order to avoid impulse decisions. Why do you think rates of personal debt are so high and savings are so low? Why do you think rates of obesity are at epidemic levels? Why do you think relationships are more volatile and strained than ever before?

The Marshmallow Experiment

In 1970 psychologist Walter Mischel famously placed a marshmallow in front of a group of children and gave them a choice: they could eat the marshmallow immediately, or they could wait until he returned a few minutes later and then be rewarded with a second. If they didn’t wait, however, they would not get a second marshmallow.

The choice was simple: they could have one treat right now or two treats later.

Upon leaving, many children ate the marshmallow almost immediately. A few, though, resisted eating the first marshmallow long enough to receive the second.

Mischel termed these childrenhigh-delay children.

Published in 1972, this popular study became known as The Marshmallow Experiment, but it wasn't the treat that made it famous. The fascinating part came years later.

The Power of Delayed Gratification

Interestingly, the children who were best able to delay gratification in the marshmallow experiment, later on did better in school and had fewer behavioral problems than the children who could only resist eating the marshmallow for a few minutes.

As adults, the high-delay children ended up having higher SAT scores, lower levels of substance abuse, lower likelihood of obesity, better responses to stress, better social skills as reported by their parents, and generally better scores in a range of other life measures. In contrast, the children who had the most trouble delaying gratification had higher rates of incarceration as adults and were more likely to struggle with drug and alcoholaddiction.

The researchers followed each child for more than 40 years. Repeatedly, the group who waited patiently for the second marshmallow succeeded in whatever capacity they were measuring. In other words, this series of experiments proved that the ability to delay gratification was critical for success in life.

The Bible speaks clearly to the concept of self-control. Here are a few verses that show the importance God places on the ability to delay gratification, to manage our emotional impulses and to make wise choices for ourselves both short-and long-term.

Proverbs 25:28 (ESV) A person without self-control is as defenseless as a city with broken-down walls.

Galatians 5:22-23 (ESV)But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self- control. Here there is no conflict with the law.

2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV)For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Titus 2:2 (NLT)Teach the older men to exercise self-control, to be worthy of respect, and to live wisely. They must have strong faith and be filled with love and patience.

2 Peter 1:5,6 (NIV)For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge;and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness.

God thinks this is pretty important, huh? That is why I wrote my book, Peace For a Lifetime. It speaks to the vital nature of our relationship with our emotions, our need to feel, understand, and think differently so we can effectively and wisely manage our impulses in order to achieve the plans God has designed for us.

Educate your children to self-control, to the habit of holding passion and prejudice and evil tendencies to an upright and reasoning will, and you have done much to abolish misery from their future lives and crimes to society. _Daniel Webster

Learning To Say ‘No’ To Ourselves

So is this where we give up, tell ourselves we would have taken the marshmallow and sulk in our hot chocolate? I hope not!

What I love so much about the journey is that Emotional Abundance is never too late to develop or acquire. You may not be good at delayed gratification today, but you can always train yourself, just like you train your muscles at the gym.

In his book, Play The Man, NY Times bestselling author, Mark Batterson, talks about the secret sauce to success in self-control.   He states, We want success without sacrifice, but life doesn’t work that way. Success will not be short-changed. You have to pay the price, and it never goes on sale. The best decision you can make for yourself is making decisions against yourself.

[clickToTweet tweet="The best decision you can make for yourself is making decisions against yourself. _Mark Batterson" quote="The best decision you can make for yourself is making decisions against yourself."]

Exercising the no muscle gave Jesus the strength to withstand the temptations of satan in the wilderness, and the no muscle is the one thing that will help you withstand the temptations you face throughout your day. Exercising discipline physically helps develop discipline spiritually and emotionally.

As Batterson adds, Discipline begets discipline.

What area do you need to develop your no muscle? Where are your triggers? What areas do your children have difficulties using their no muscles?

Is it hard for you to say no to:

- food?

- spending money?

- an angry outburst when something doesn’t go your way?

- your sexual appetites?

- making everyone around you happy?

- social media?

- what about video games, technology, alcohol, sports?

The next time you find yourself having the impulse to do something you know you shouldn’t —to skip the work project you should really get done, or to buy something you shouldn’t just because you want it —don’t. Yes, don’t.

Strengthening Our 'No' Muscles

Instead, allow yourself to feel the emotions inside when you say no to yourself. Listen to name the emotions, understand where they are coming from, and coach yourself honestly and truthfully through the emotions towards a positive reward at the end.

The truth for me is, I don’t really need this extra helping of mashed potatoes. The truth is, what I am really wanting is to feel loved and valued. The truth is, God loves me and I love me. I want to care for myself well and get my body in the shape that would make me feel best. And the truth is, if I don’t get that extra helping right now, I will give myself my favorite fruit after my workout as a treat. And my body will thank me later. That will be the best gift to myself.

We can do this!

Hebrews 4:15 (NIV) tells us, For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.

John 16:33 (NIV) adds, I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

We can develop our ability to delay gratification and in doing so, we will watch everything around us begin to change. Life becomes calmer, we are better able to manage our emotions, our time, our resources, and we get to experience the life we’ve always dreamed.

Life does not always have to feel out of reach. Success isn’t just for someone else. Peace is achievable, sustainable.

Yes, delaying gratification is definitely worth the wait!

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

My Letter To Anyone Who Is Willing To Start The Conversation on Race

I’d love to talk with you. My heart is for you and not against you. I’ve felt your pain as the scabs of wounds both historic and present have been ripped off, leaving you fragile, bleeding, and longing for relief.

I want to understand your experience, your perspective so that I can continue to grow in my own. Perhaps this time in our country has brought us to a golden opportunity where, for the first time, we can talk as neighbors, as friends, as family, about the issue of race and move towards the healing and reconciliation for which we all long.

When you shared your experience a few weeks back about the pain associated with civil war monuments, I heard you. I get that your perspective of our history is stained with tears for what your ancestors endured, the struggles they faced. And faced against their will.

I want to hear more. I want to talk and share together our experiences of race today so that we can collectively heal and remove any shadow of racism that hides in this great land.

I know you long for white people like me to understand and validate your point of view. I realize there is a deep pain throbbing in your belly that longs to be heard. Acknowledged. Healed.

Yet when I asked if someone like me could love you, validate you, and at the same time hold my own perspective on our country’s history, you responded quickly and clearly, no.

Room For Two

So saddened in my heart, I ask myself, Where do we go from here?Is yours the only experience that matters? Is yours the only point of view that is valid? Or must I abandon myself entirely, my own history, my own identity, my own experiences, in order to show my love for you?

My heart breaks. I’ve learned in my experience as a therapist that the very concept of emotional health is the ability to hold onto ourselves—our identity, our beliefs and values, our passions and purpose—while being close to someone who may be different than us.

Could our relationship be a safe place for me, too?

How can we possibly hear each other, grow together, and learn from each other if our relationship is only safe for one of us?

When you asked me why white women don’t talk about race issues, I responded that most of us are afraid. It feels like a no-win proposition. No matter what we say, no matter what we do, at some point in the conversation (usually when we disagree,) we will be called a racist, a hater, a bigot.

Most of us are none of these things. The white women I know have a heart of gold, who love, who listen, who desperately want to be part of the solution. Yet, when you almost instinctively throw out labels and accusations, how are we able to hear you or join you? The answer is, we are not. Thus we remain stuck.

John Gottman, a psychologist and leading researcher on relationships describes name-calling as contempt, and one of the deadly Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships. Though we want to, we cannot hear you when you castigate us, demean us, and hurl names at us. We instantly feel unsafe, and our defenses rise up to protect us.

Please don’t label us. Even when we disagree. Don’t.

We will only heal as we learn to sit safely with each other. As we are able to listen to each other.

Listening Is A Two-Way Street

Would it be okay for me to speak in our conversations? Could my perspective be just as valued and needful to our healing as yours?

Could you listen to me? Me. A white woman. From the South.

We both have things to share. Important things. Needful things. Or is our conversation more of a diatribe than a sharing of hearts? A one-way street. A dead-end of sorts.

We will never find our way to the healing path as long as we’re stuck on dead-end roads.

I believe we both have things we need to learn from each other. We both have soul-wisdom that desperately needs to be experienced by each other.

You are right and lovely and beautiful about so many things, but are you right about everything? Could we share in our rightness? Is it possible that somehow I could be right, too?

Again, defensiveness, is another one of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse that will prevent any healing, destroy any hope of understanding. Coming together.

The Art of Respect

When I hear you repeatedly admire your intellect and your unique ability to gather accurate information while at the same time subtly insinuating that I may be less adept at gathering or understanding information, you dismiss and demean me.

Do you really feel that anyone who disagrees with you is incompetent? Do you really feel solely possessing of intellectual resources capable of analyzing information and distilling a qualified position?

Could we both analyze the same information and draw valid individual conclusions based on our unique set of individual filters, beliefs, and experiences?

The Road Called Redemption

So where is the road called Redemption? What is the legacy that our stories will tell? It could be beautiful, I know that. I pray for that.

Let’s write this next chapter together. It is the only way.

Our politicians—all of our politicians— use these issues for political gain. Must we let them win each and every time? Could we take back the issue from the political realm and begin to do the work, the real work of laying down our weapons and coming together as families, as friends, as neighbors, and as communities?

Our politicians want us to remain divided. Must we let them?

The issue of race will never be solved in this country politically. Race wounds will only be healed as we take them back, stop listening to the talking points, stop enflaming the hate-filled rhetoric from both sides on social media, and begin to sit down with one another.

Invite your neighbor into your home. Share a meal with them. Pray with them. Talk with them. Yes, talk. It will be uncomfortable. It will challenge us. It will strengthen us and make us better. Hopefully it will draw us together, if we allow it.

We must be respectful. No name-calling.

We must consider an experience different than our own.Each side has a valuable perspective.

Don’t just say your willing to listen. Listen.

We must take back the issue. Don’t leave if for the politicians.

I want you to know that you are not my enemy. Please don’t make me yours. Let's work together. Work. Dig in. Struggle. We can. We must. We will.

And we can overcome anything if we overcome…together.

1 Peter 2:1-25ESV

So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation— if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good. As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

1 Timothy 2:1-15ESV

First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 5:5ESV

Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

Can we talk? This is for anyone who is ready to start the conversation on race so that we can find healing, and wholeness for our communities and our country.

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891