LISA MURRAY COUNSELING

How To Stop Hanging On By a Thread

Three Lifelines That Can Help You Win The Battle Against Anxiety and Panic Attacks

July 11, 2017

Nights can be the worst. That’s when they steal in and threaten to pull me under. Panic attacks.

Not me, the therapist, I thought. I had been free of panic attacks for almost twenty years and out of nowhere, they began again —three in the last eight months.

Somehow in the middle of the night a tsunami of sheer terror arises out of nowhere and crashes over me before I even know what’s happening, before I can have a conscious thought or even begin to fight for my life. In those moments, it takes every ounce of strength I can muster not to drown in the fear and to keep my head above water, though everything is pulling at me, holding me beneath the surface, jeopardizing my very survival. That’s what it feels like, anyway.

It’s not pretty. Sometimes a panic attack can mean a sleepless night, other times the attack can result in my body waging an internal war, tying every ligament and cell into a knot of torture and torment that can take days to calm. What has been worse for me is developing a fear of the fear, a dread and/or apprehension of having another attack.

Psychology Today defines a panic attack as, a sudden rush of fear and anxiety that seems to come out of nowhere and causes both physical and psychological symptoms. The level of fear experienced is unrealistic and completely out of proportion to the events or circumstances that trigger a panic attack.

Everyone who suffers from panic attacks experiences them differently, but some of the symptoms are fairly universal. These can be:

trouble breathing
chest pain
rapid heart beat
a feeling of impending doom or dread
shortness of breath
feeling of choking or smothering
trembling
sweating
nausea
feeling like you are going to die

If you have ever experienced extreme anxiety or panic attacks, you might feel like you’re alone. You’re not. Panic attacks can be quite common, with about 6 million American adults having a diagnosed panic disorder, a condition marked by recurrent panic attacks, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA). At least 11% of the population has a panic attack in a given year.

These attacks typically affect more women than men, young adults, and individuals with workaholic, type A personalities, but they can also be found in children. They can be triggered by specific situations, by extended periods of extreme stress, or by nothing at all.

Suddenly your body surges with adrenaline. You are hit with a feeling of dread and impending doom like you are going to die, go crazy, faint or lose control, said Tamar Chansky, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book, Freeing Yourself from Anxiety.

Chansky goes on to describe the onset of a panic attack as the brain, suddenly and out of the blue, engaging the emergency response program like it would if you’re in serious danger. [This] would be great except that it happens in the absence of any actual threat.

Dr. Archibald Hart, Christian psychologist and expert on stress and anxiety, says in his book, The Anxiety Cure, that, many hard-working, driven people don’t realize just how close [we] walk to the precipice of anxiety until one day, out of the blue, a panic attack strikes . . . . We don’t realize how close we are to the edge of anxiety until we lose our footing and tumble . . . into the dark abyss of panic.

For me, there was tremendous shame because I believed somehow I should have this anxiety thing whipped. To be honest, shame's dark cloud held me in a prison of silence for a season. I told no one. Believing at the same time I was a spiritual failure because I couldn’t think clearly enough to get my Bible and find the verses dealing with fear, proved to be overwhelming. Yet today, I have hope.

While medication is necessary for some people, I have found several strategies that have turned the tide and are helping me win the battle over extreme anxiety and panic attacks.

Lean Into the Wave

In the midst of a panic attack most of my energy is spent trying to get away, to escape the horrific feelings that are pounding against me. Running never works —it usually makes it worse.

Deep-breathing exercises are critical in dealing with extreme anxiety or panic attacks. If you would like to learn more about deep breathing and watch a tutorial, here is a helpful article that will guide you step-by-step through deep-breathing techniques.

I’m learning more and more how to lean in and breathe through the feelings of panic. Like many women who breathe into labor pains, leaning in and breathing into the panic begins to change the direction of my energy. I can slowly focus my energy on the present moment, which helps me accept the feelings in my body and press through them to the other side.

Yes, there is another side. It’s important to know that a panic attack won’t last forever. In fact, they usually last about 10 minutes. The panic will begin to fade, moving away like waves slowly wandering back out to sea. In the end, you may be left a little tired, perhaps a little drained, but you will also relieved.

Talk Myself Off The Ledge

I cannot even think of talking myself through anything if I haven’t learned to lean into the wave and begun to slow my heart rate, calming my physical body to the point the fight or flight symptoms of brain fog start to dissipate. At this point I am clear-headed enough to re-engage my thinking and begin talking myself off the ledge.

At first, my thoughts are simple. I am okay. I am safe. God is with me. This won’t last forever. Being able to remind myself that though I am going through a difficult moment, it won’t kill me and I will make it to the other side, is invaluable.

Tip, strategies, tools, for adults, individuals and teens to overcome anxiety and panic attacks

I will also start to speak out loud my favorite Scripture on God’s love for me, His compassion, His care, even in my deepest struggles. Here are a few of my verses:

Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV) -The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

Isaiah 41:10 (NKJV) - Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

John 14:27 (NIV) - Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV) - Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Psalm 4:8 (NKJV) - I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

If I am still in a stressed state and my thoughts are racing, I will usually implement some cognitive behavioral therapy techniques that allow me to see the connection between my thoughts and behaviors. The point of CBT for those of us with panic disorder is to teach us how the panic attacks start as well as how to not perpetuate them. By learning to question the negative thoughts associated with the panic attack, decatastrophize the thoughts by taking them to their worst case conclusion, and challenge the negative beliefs, we can stop the panic spiral.

Without that panic spiral of catastrophizing questions — what’s next, what’s next, what’s next?! — panic attacks really can’t occur anymore, says Chansky.

Take Myself To The Beach (almost)

Guided imagery is powerful to help redirect my focus from the physical and emotional distress of the panic attack to my calm, safe place where I am free of any worry, anxiety, or fear. With guided imagery, I close my eyes and begin to focus on the smallest details of my calm, safe place —for me, the beach.

In noticing and engaging the sights, the smells, the sounds, and the sensations of the beach, I give my full attention to my safety rather than my stressor. In minutes, I can feel my body start to relax and my mind slowly untangle from the irrational, panicked thoughts that created the panic attack in the first place.

Phillipians 4:8 (NIV) tells us, Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

We don’t have to remain helpless victims to our fear and panic. We don’t have to let it destroy our peace. We are powerful to shape our experiences and create mindful, intentional ways to redirect our thoughts, to refocus our minds on something that is true, that is lovely. Pure.

I’m sure many people think those of us who struggle with anxiety and panic should, just get over it, as I once thought. I can’t say I will never have a panic attack again —the truth is, I don’t know. What I do know is that I am cultivating the courage to deal with them differently and each time, I’m a little less scared than before. Each time, my strength grows and my bravery shines, for I know I don’t walk this path alone.

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Two Lessons About The Wisdom and Wonder of Parenting - guest post by Chip Mattis

9 Comments

How To Know When It’s Time For Your Millennial To Move Out

June 27, 2017

I was sitting on my back porch a few weeks back, reading quietly while sipping on a hot cup of coffee. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed one of my juniper trees start to shake. All of a sudden, I saw what looked like a tiny round blob drop like a paperweight to the earth. It appeared lifeless, it exerted no movement —until right before it hit the ground, two small wings sprouted and the baby bird flew off excitedly into a nearby tree.

It took a second for me to realize there was even a bird’s nest in the tree, much less to determine that what I witnessed was the final moments of a baby bird’s effort to leave the nest. It wasn’t pretty. It didn’t look hopeful. In fact, everything told me that whatever it was would surely wind up as a splat at the bottom of the tree.

But it didn’t. As so many baby birds have done in the past, they all have a similar experience, a collective moment when they can no longer reside in the safe confines of the mama bird’s nest, when they must take that step into the unknown, and they must learn how to fly.

Interesting how different things have become for Millennials learning to fly today.

Recently Pew Research Center released a study stating that Millennial's most popular living arrangement is living at their parent’s house at 32.1%. Instead of cheering our children while they launch, instead of nudging them out of the nest, many parents these days appear horrified at the notion. It seems our ideal is to do everything we can to delay the move, to minimize the risk, and to make our Millennial’s transition to adulthood as seamless and as secure as possible. To remove any uncertainty, any challenges, and as a result, any growth.

How can we as parents know when our love for our children isn’t loving at all? How can we give them the greatest chance for success in life? And how can we know when it’s time for our adult children to move out? Here are three signs that it is time for your Millennial to leave the nest and learn to fly.

When They Stop Struggling

Growth is always a struggle. It’s not supposed to be easy. Developmentally, this is where resilience is cultivated, where our identity, our confidence in our competence, and our purpose in life are forged.

Participation trophies don’t give kids a strong self-concept. Doing kids' chores for them so they can sleep in doesn’t produce a strong, developed character capable of meeting their own physical, emotional, or spiritual needs. Only struggle, yes struggle prepares them to lean into life as well as their relationships in the midst of the storm without going under when the going gets tough.

Malcom Gladwell offered, A lot of what is most beautiful about the world arises from struggle.

Albert Bandura described that, In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, to struggle together with resilience to meet the inevitable obstacles and inequities of life.

So why do we parents remove every aspect of struggle from our children’s lives? Why do we desire for our children to remain fragile, weak and underdeveloped?

We need to begin seeing struggle as agift—a good gift at that. When they are not struggling, when there is no external battle for forward momentum and independence, it is time for our Millennials to leave.

Here are a few signs:

When they spend more time on the couch than we do, they are not struggling.
When they are not actively putting together and implementing a plan for school or work, they are not struggling.
When most of their day is spent sleeping, but their social life in the evening is busier than ever, they are definitely not struggling.
When they give you their grocery list and/or bills to pay, most likely they are not struggling.
When they don’t have money to pay for rent or the cell phone bill, but they have plenty of money for manicures, dinners out with friends, new clothes, new games, and other luxuries, they are not struggling.

When They Stop Growing

From the time we are born until the time we die, we should be growing. We were created to grow. In some way, we should be moving, learning, stretching, and healing whether we are 5 yrs old or 50 yrs old. Yet many Millennials today prioritize enjoyment in life over growth. When they are not actively growing, they become sapped of energy and creativity, drained of the very curiosity that would engage them, focus them, or give them passion for something that could become their purpose in life.

Purpose does not come upon us externally as a lightning bolt. Purpose is only cultivated within.

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Home should not become a breeding ground for stagnation. Home should provide fertile soil for our adult children to grow. If we do not see them actively growing, then it is time for them to go. A new environment with all of its struggles and challenges is most likely the perfect environment for them to persevere, to overcome, to build purpose and to thrive.

American psychologist, Abraham Maslow, stated, In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.

In-any-given-moment-we-have-two-options_-to-step-forward-into-growth-or-to-step-back-into-safety..png

The question becomes, do we want our children to thrive, or are we more interested in them needing us? Do we get our sense of self as good parents by doing everything for our children, and for providing for all of their needs? Do we feel guilty that because we have been successful in life we owe our children a certain lifestyle? Are we afraid that if we don’t provide for our children, they will not figure things out?

Here are a few signs:

When it’s clear your child isn’t getting anywhere at work, they are not growing.
When your child has no definite educational, financial, or career goals with specific timelines, they are not growing.
When your child hasn’t offered to mow the lawn, do the dishes, clean the house, or run errands, they are not growing.
When your child isn’t developing healthy patterns and/or routines for eating, exercise, spiritual growth, or relationships, chances are they are not growing.
When your child continually demands their rights and freedoms while ignoring any responsibility or accountability, they are probably not growing.
When your child’s bank account does not increase by at least the monthly rent cost of a room or an apartment they would have rented, they are not growing.

When They Stop Dreaming

Many of our life’s accomplishments began as a dream. I remember dreaming as a teenager and young adult of everything I longed for in life. I dreamed of career aspirations, I dreamed of marriage and family life, experiences, travel, and a million other possibilities. Somewhere in the process of dreaming, opportunities to invest in my dreams usually came alive.

If our adult children are not actively dreaming, actively imagining what their lives could be, they will not be in a position to connect with opportunity should it arrive. They will feel uncertain, doubtful, overwhelmed. Many will struggle with anxiety and depression. Not having the active, accelerated psychological energy to move when a door opens will prevent them from engaging in the kinds of activities that will ultimately help them make their dreams come true.

When they are not dreaming, they are merely existing, and they will never muster the emotional energy it takes to leave. And no, gaming is not the same as dreaming. They should spend more time dreaming about their long-term goals than they do on immediate wants or needs.

Anais Nin said that, Dreams are necessary to life.

Poet and author, Victor Hugo, also stated that, Each man should frame life so that at some future hour fact and his dreaming meet.

If they are not actively invested in planting emotional, financial, and occupational seeds for their future, it is time to leave. If they are not intentionally pursuing their dreams, they will never move beyond their dependency on us into independent, dynamic adults.

Here are a few signs:

When their only dream is what you will be making for dinner, they are not dreaming.
When their dreams consist of what new video game, what new outfit, or what new vacation they want, they are not dreaming.
When most of their time, energy, and/or income is spent on entertainment, they are not dreaming.
When their greatest plans are about what they want right now instead of what they want for their lives later, they are not dreaming.
When they look to you to dream for them or provide their dreams to them, they are not dreaming.

We as parents love our children. We want them to succeed in life to build a bright and hopeful future. We must get out of the way.

Deuteronomy 7:9 (NIV) tells us, Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations…

We must recognize when our own emotional issues are preventing us from taking the steps we need to help our Millennials move into their future, and get help to deal with our own emotional issues.

We can help them. We can love them. Most of all, we can pray for them. We can lovingly nudge them out of our living room and into their life. We can. We must. They are counting on us!

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

9 Comments

Authenticity and The Courage To Let Your Real Self Shine Through

June 20, 2017

The truth is, sometimes I’m not fine. There are moments my day hasn’t gone great, and yes, some days the weather really does stink.

That’s what I want to say at least, but I rarely do. How about you?

There are a lot of things about me I don’t say, many truths I keep tucked inside, hidden in the bottom drawer of my heart, for fear others wouldn’t want to hear about what’s really going on with me. Somehow I believe if I let them see the real me, they might think I’m crazy, too much to handle. Or they might just reject me altogether.

So I’ve learned to edit myself. If we’re honest, I think most of us edit ourselves. We’ve learned to do a fair job stitching together the prettiest sides of ourselves to show people while keeping the worn and ragged edges hidden out of sight. We pray no one will notice and try to convince ourselves that our patchwork looks as good as new. As long as no one gets too close.

Up close is where the reality of our threadbare and disheveled selves might poke through. Where the tears, the insecurities, the pockets full of unworthiness spill their ugly selves onto our identity. It isn’t pretty.

The problem is, all the years I hid my truest self, all the years I kept everyone at arm’s length, I also kept the beauty of intimacy and vulnerability from ever reaching my impenetrable, fear-filled heart.

Relationship is the casualty of a guarded heart, the victim of pretense and shame.

Authenticity at its core is transparency and admission of failure. It's the rejection of insincerity and hypocrisy. It's truth-telling about all areas of life, even our soul spaces, where our greatest fears and sorrows reside.

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Brene Brown describes authenticity as, the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.

Authenticity is a gift not just to ourselves, but to all of our relationships. Here are three ways you can start to cultivate authenticity and let your real self shine through.

Claim Your Belovedness

The more we as Christians own our worth based on God’s incredible love for us, the more we can begin to see ourselves as worthy, not based on performance, certainly not based on perfection, but based on position. Upon Whose we are. God’s beloved children.

Henri J.M. Nouwen describes, Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.

When our worth is based solely on other’s acceptance or approval, it is a roller-coaster waiting for the next dive. It is inconsistent at best, bumpy throughout, and at some point always crashes to a halt.

However, knowing ourselves and our worth as God’s beloved, in whom He delights, is the strongest foundation for each of us to become curious, eager —to explore, to create, to dream, and possibly even to dare.

Resist The Urge To Strive

Striving is a lethal drug for a perfectionist. We remain almost helpless to resist its power, its compulsion to prove, to perform, to achieve. Yet striving will almost certainly destroy us from the inside out. It fills us with fear and empties us of any courage or creativity.

Striving has been one of the fiercest competitors throughout my life, and I would dare say, it has gotten the best of me many times in the past. What makes resisting the urge to strive so difficult is how intensely our culture celebrates it. We revere the pursuit of acquisition, we extol the virtue of accomplishment, and fantasize that rest is waiting for us just across the finish line. Until we cross the finish line, and realize that even here, there is no rest. Just another finish line, another demand, another task to prove our worth.

Martin Luther expressed, I have held many things in my hands, and have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God’s hands, that I still possess.

Once our worth is settled, we can rest in believing whether we succeed or fail, whether we are celebrated or not, whether our ranking on amazon.com is at the top or on the bottom, we are enough. Period. Our performance is not attached to our worth.

Be More Emotionally Honest

No, that doesn’t mean to emotionally vomit on anyone and everyone with whom you come into contact. Emotional honesty simply means we become more intentional about accepting ourselves —our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, values, opinions, and perspectives —and we are not afraid to share appropriately and respectfully with those around us.

Psalm 32:1-2 (NLT) states, Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight! Yes, what joy for those whose record the LORD has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honesty!

Do you share freely your opinions with others, even if they differ? Do you find yourself withholding your thoughts and feelings from the people around you? Is your highest priority not to do or say anything that might make people unhappy with you?

We can find healthy, compassionate ways to let our true selves shine through without being disrespectful or unkind. The more we feel worthy, the easier it is to risk potential ridicule or rejection from others because we don’t need their approval to feel good about ourselves.

Mother Teresa shares, Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.

If you find yourself longing to let go of the façade or craving a place that is real, you can begin today to cultivate authenticity in your life.

Claim Your Belovedness. Your worth is settled.

Resist The Urge To Strive. You are enough.

Be More Emotionally Honest. Let the real you shine through.

Authenticity embraces our healing journey in its totality —the journey toward accepting who we are, toward becoming more courageous, toward embracing who we are not yet, but who we will one day be. The journey is beautiful, it is hopeful. It is the way of peace.

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

17 Comments

Because The Striver In All Of Us Needs A Place To Rest

June 13, 2017

This week, find a moment when you can choose not to strive, and choose a moment of presence instead. Find a time to lay aside your tasks, your busyness, and intentionally run to sit at Jesus’ feet, drinking in His love, His life, His passion and purpose for your life.

17 Comments

Two Lessons About The Wisdom and Wonder of Parenting - guest post by Chip Mattis

Six Steps Parents Can Take To Protect Their Teens From Porn

June 6, 2017

Today’s post comes from our “Ask Lisa” feature, where readers submit questions they would like for me to address in an upcoming post. Anonymous writes, We recently caught our oldest son engaging in "stuff" online. Looking for some basic advice and help for our son.If you have a subject you would like me to address in the future, please submit your question here.

We don’t talk about it a lot. It is the silent epidemic that affects both adults and teens. It’s pornography. Many say it is not “if” someone you love will struggle with it, it is “when.” These days, the struggle with porn isn’t just limited to males. Recent studies show a dramatic increase in pornography usage in both women and adolescent girls.

Sad, huh? A 2014 Barna Group survey revealed the following demographic data regarding pornography use by American adults:

Among males 18-30 years old, 79% viewed pornography once per month and 63% viewed pornography greater than once per week.
Among males 31-49 years old, 67% viewed pornography once per month and 38% viewed pornography greater than once per week.
Among females 18-30 years old, 34% viewed pornography once per month and 19% viewed pornography more than once per week.
Among females 31-49 years old, 16% viewed pornography once per month and 8% viewed pornography greater than once per week.

A recent survey of American young people revealed that 51% of males and 32% of females claimed to have viewed pornography for the first time before they were 13 years old. Thirteen years old! In a 2012 Australian study of pornography use, men who were frequent pornography users said their first exposure was between the ages of 11 to 13 years old. A 2009 study in the Journal of Adolescent Health found that 85% of adolescent males and 50% of adolescent females had been exposed to pornographic material. These are our babies, our precious children. This is not just someone else’s issue.

Many say, Boys will be boys. What’s the big deal?—right? Wrong.

Pornography is having a profound affect on our teens. Science shows that exposure to violent pornography is associated with sexually aggressive behaviors in both adolescent and adult males. For young people, one study found that viewing sexually explicit web sites increased the likelihood of having more than one sexual partner. Porn also increased the likelihood of using alcohol and drugs during sexual activity.

Now we are seeing a direct linkage between teenage sexting —the sending of sexually explicit photos, images, text messages or e-mails using a mobile device— and pornography exposure. Many female teens who view pornography find themselves in relationships where they are exploited by their partner, feeling coerced to participate in sexual acts that they object to.

Dr. David Berry in TheJournal of Pediatrics noted the research of Bryant D. Zillman, reporting,

Pornography use by teens and young adults often leads to a distorted view of sexuality and its role in fostering healthy personal relationships. These distortions include the overestimation of the prevalence of sexual activity in the community, the belief that sexual promiscuity is normal, and the belief that sexual abstinence is unhealthy. These perspectives are likely to make it more difficult for young people to form lasting, meaningful relationships with the opposite sex, which ultimately results in more anxiety, depression, and overall life dissatisfaction.

The negative impact isn’t just for today, either. Pornography will have a negative effect on our teens later when they marry, creating unrealistic expectations for spouses and developing a reliance on heightened excitement and adrenaline spikes that normal sexual relationships cannot provide. The fantasy associated with porn causes individuals to lose interest in their spouses, forming a cycle of conflict and distance with their husbands or wives.

Parents need to understand the negative impact widespread use of pornography is having on today’s children so we can help stop this destructive influence and do our best to protect our teens. Here are six things we can do today.

Monitor Mobile Devices

Though I personally don’t believe in teens having their own mobile devices, most teens today do have cell-phones, I-pads, I-pods, etc. Mobile devices are one of the most common ways teens are accessing porn. While many families have web filters installed on their home computers, filters for tablets and phones are much less common.

Instead of using web filters that are only installed on your family computer, try installing filters at the entry-point into your home. There are many options for routers that filter any and all internet devices in your home, as well as other similar options.

Make sure ALL phones, tablets, computers and other electronic devices have parental controls to help eliminate access to inappropriate material and make sure electronic devices are used in public spaces only. Isolation is a breeding ground for inappropriate activity, whether texting with friends or accessing pornography.

Review YouTube Ads and Related Videos

Most kids today spend a lot of time on YouTube. Even though Google, the parent company of YouTube, has announced they will no longer allow pornographic ads on their ad services, their idea of inappropriate often looks a lot different than mine. One of the best options is AdBlock Plus, which not only turns off related videos, but also filters out ads and other questionable content.

Control Streaming Services

If you are one of the millions of families who have signed up for Netflix, Hulu+, or Amazon Prime, beware. All of the new streaming services make it extremely easy for teens to access material they shouldn't. Parents, take the time to look into each service’s filters and set up the controls you need to keep your family safe.

Evaluate Kids' Friends and Schoolmates

Our teens’ friends can be extremely difficult to monitor and control. What do you do when one of your child's schoolmates exposes your son or daughter to pornography? It’s hard to filter out a friend. You can't keep your child locked away forever in order to keep them away from problem kids.

The best prevention is to consistently instill in your children healthy Biblical principles of living a life honoring to God, having a strong enough sense of self to do the right thing even when no one else is looking, developing clear boundaries, and knowing what being a good friend looks like, even to those who are making poor choices.

Watch Out for Video games

Video games may seem harmless on the surface, but many have dangerous or inappropriate content inside. Regardless of the genre, it's important to be careful which games we allow in our homes. Parents must be proactive in determining which games you let your children play.

The ESRB rating system —"E for Everyone," "T for Teen," etc.— can be helpful, but even then parents need to use the ratings wisely. Sit down and play the games with your kids. Watch them play. Be certain their games comply with your family standards.

Oversee Apps like SnapChat, WhatsApp, Kik, and more

Apps are everywhere and our kids are finding new, more secretive ways of connecting than parents can keep up with. Don’t just assume that an app is safe or appropriate —investigate all of them. Have an ongoing conversation with your teens about what apps they use on their phones or tablets. Parents should have a no secret password policy where family members either forego the use of passwords on their devices or share their passwords with you, the parent.

As always, diligence is key. Parents need to take an inventory periodically of which apps your kids have downloaded, what they seem to spend most time on, and what the purpose or content of the app entails. If necessary, use a service like Screen Time Parental Controls which allows you to set time limits, block calls from strangers, and more.

What To Do If You Discover Your Teen Has Developed an Addiction to Porn

Sometimes we as parents find out about our child’s pornography usage and/or addiction after the fact. Please do not overlook the situation or think that because you have had the talk, everything is probably fine. It’s usually not.

Get your teen help. Find a good, Christian counselor that can work with them to understand and process through the distorted images they have seen, help them grow a strong sense of self built on strong core beliefs and values, assist them in developing healthy emotional regulation and impulse control, as well as identify the qualities of normal, healthy adult relationships.

Help your teen when they can’t help themselves. There are accountability programs like Covenant Eyes that will notify you and/or other accountability partners to help your teen stay safe. They can also benefit from support provided by SA groups for teens and other therapy groups.

At the end of the day, there's no perfect way to protect our children from the growing pornographic content they are bombarded with on a daily basis. What parents can do is be aware, be vigilant, be consistent, and be present.

LisaMurrayOnline.com-PeaceForALifetime-2.png

Give your children and teens plenty of extra-curricular activities to help keep them invested in positive outlets. Instill in them the need for a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Model for them an active, dynamic faith. Give them the gift of love. Most of all, give them the gift of prayer.

Ephesians 6:12 (NIV) says, For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

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ASK LISA - How Do I Stop The Cycle of Anger?

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Ask Lisa—What Do I do With A Daughter Who Is Out Of Control?

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Four Ways Parents Can Minimize Stress While Maximizing Kids' Wellbeing

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Feb 6, 2018

For Every Parent and Child Who Feels The Struggle of Being 'Raised Up'

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Jun 27, 2017

How To Know When It’s Time For Your Millennial To Move Out

Jun 27, 2017

Jun 6, 2017

Six Steps Parents Can Take To Protect Their Teens From Porn

Jun 6, 2017

Apr 25, 2017

Four Life-Changing Reasons Children Need To Hear The Word “No”

Apr 25, 2017

Mar 21, 2017

How To Teach Your Child Respect – In This Political Climate

Mar 21, 2017

May 31, 2016

Six Myths About Being a Good Mom

May 31, 2016

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

May 23, 2017

The demise of fairness and the ability to tell the good guys from the bad ones

I often think back to the 90’s with a feeling of nostalgia for a decade that seemed as hopeful as it was prosperous. As an idealist right out of college, I listened to Paula Cole’s famous song and believed that most of us were cowboys —that we understood the ideals of right and wrong, and measured out justice, like John Wayne, with impartiality and integrity. That’s what I believed back then, anyways.

I was quite the dreamer in those days. Like all the good western movies, life seemed a little more clear-cut, more uncomplicated somehow. As I looked around I felt in my heart we were all on the same team, rooting for the same cause, our great American dream. We could easily tell the good guys from the bad guys and we were thrilled to see the good guys come riding in on their gallant white horses to save the day. To bring the bad guys to justice. It all seemed so simple.

Who are the good guys?

As I have witnessed the combined narratives of mainstream media, Facebook threads, and general water-cooler conversation these days, I find myself asking, Where have all the cowboys gone? How did we arrive at this place where our country is less important than our party, and where justice is seen only through the lens of an elephant or donkey?

I speak not against a particular party, but against an insidious trend in culture that is pitting us all against each other. Dividing us. Destroying what made this little experiment of a country so special in the first place.

We act less like Americans and more like spectators at a boxing match, waiting with baited breath for any sign of weakness, any notion that our guy is getting ready to land the final knockout blow. Where our guy is hailed the champion and the other is resigned to a dark corner of the locker room.

It appears our moral indignation and righteous anger ends at the door of our party affiliation. We become suddenly, strangely quiet when our guy takes a hit, or stumbles and falls. We jeer with a foaming anticipation at the missteps of someone, anyone, as long as they are on the other team.

We are no longer fair-minded. No longer wise. No longer models of Christ’s character. We as Believers should never be known more for our political positions than we are known for our faith, our character, our integrity.

We should be the cowboys—the model for those above the fray, who are fair-minded, with a solid standard for character and integrity. We should be able to tell the good guys from the bad guys and be willing to hold all of the bad ones to account.

Here are few questions to consider:

Are our standards held equally for those in power?

Romans 3:23 (NIV) states, For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Romans 3:10-12 (NIV) adds, There is no one righteous, not even one.

Are we open to consider the failings of everyone impartially, even those on our side, so to speak?

James 2:1 (ESV) tells us, My brothers, show no partiality as you hold the faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory.

James 3:17 (ESV) goes on to state, But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.

Can we be slow to speak, quick to listen, and fair in judging the words and actions of others, regardless of their party affiliation?

Micah 6:8 (ESV) says, He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?

Romans 2:11 (ESV) declares that, God shows no partiality.

Exodus 23:1-33 (ESV) further asserts, You shall not spread a false report. You shall not join hands with a wicked man to be a malicious witness. You shall not fall in with the many to do evil, nor shall you bear witness in a lawsuit, siding with the many, so as to pervert justice, nor shall you be partial to a poor man in his lawsuit. “If you meet your enemy's ox or his donkey going astray, you shall bring it back to him. If you see the donkey of one who hates you lying down under its burden, you shall refrain from leaving him with it; you shall rescue it with him. ...

Do we care more about our side winning than righteousness prevailing?

Proverbs 21:3 (ESV) tells us, To do righteousness and justice is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice.

Do we care more about proclaiming our perspective than we do proclaiming the name of Jesus?

Mark 12:28-31 (ESV) shares, And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, “Which commandment is the most important of all?” Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

Hebrews 6:10 (ESV) reminds us that, God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for his name in serving the saints, as you still do.

Challenging Our Better Selves

The truth is, one side is not all bad, nor is the other side all good.

Matthew 7:3-5 admonishes us, Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

We should stand up for what is right, no matter who is in office. We should be sad when anyone falls or stumbles. Whether they have a “D” or an “R” next to their name, we should want wrongdoers to be held accountable for their words and actions. The hypocrisy of selective moral outrage has to stop—if we want our country, our communities, or our relationships to survive and thrive.

Could we all take a breath and remember not only who we are, but Whose we are? The world around us is watching. Are we just as angry, outraged, cynical, and vitriolic, as everyone else out there? Can we speak our perspective from a place of respect, fairness, openness, and consideration of all? Do we know what our values, beliefs, and moral expectations are or do we define them based on what someone else is doing/not doing?

We really need to think, my friends. We need to examine our idea of fairness, our idea of justice. We need to consider how we tell the good guys from the bad guys. Consider who we are, and who we want to be. I don’t know about you, but I want to be a cowboy.

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

5 Comments

Because Those Who Are Suffering Need Us To Notice

May 9, 2017

Rachel’s face was weary, her distracted glance seemed lost somewhere in the distance. She spoke of her life in fragments and whispers. Her story was both tragic and impossible. My heart wept for the child who endured such abuse, such profound neglect and who woke up years later with a lifetime of losses and a heart full of sorrow. Her emotions swelled just beneath the surface, though she worked fiercely to contain them.

She had tried everything to find happiness. Her face softened slightly remembering the admiration and accolades of others in years past, as she made her way up the corporate ladder. She wasn’t shy about admitting her lifestyle of partying, indulgence and extremes.

And still, as she described in hushed tones, nothing had ever taken away the hole inside her heart. Awakening halfway through her journey on this earth, Rachel felt as hopeless and empty as ever.

Rachel is not alone…

His name was Jim. Just Jim. Overwhelmed with anguish and despair, he awoke one Wednesday morning with a sense he needed to drive to that barn-church out in the country. He said he didn’t believe there were accidents in life, yet he didn’t quite know why he was here.

He was new to the area. His business was failing. He wasn’t good with people, never had been. His children were counting on him. The pressure he felt was overwhelming and he could no longer see a way forward. Maybe they would be better off without him, he thought.

He said he didn’t believe in God. Was actually against God. Against church for that matter, too. The church had let him down, hurt him in the past. He swore he would never go there again. He pondered aloud, It seems strange that something would tell me to drive to a church today.

Strange wasn’t exactly what I would call it. I would call it divine. I would call it God.

My friends, there is a world that is suffering all around us. Suffering with a kind of pain that brings them to the edge. They are suffering from a host of disappointments, losses, and heartaches. They are suffering from every imaginable illness—mental, physical, and spiritual. They are suffering.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I get so lost in my problems, my insecurities, my circumstances, that I become blinded to anything outside of my distilled, myopic fog. I guess most of us do in our own way. We miss altogether the myriad of panicked, broken individuals whose hearts are quivering for someone to see them, to notice them, to bring them relief.

As part of Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to encourage each of us to be more aware of others wherever we are – whether in the grocery store, the hair salon, the PTA meeting, or the sales office. There are three things we in the body of Christ can do to bring healing to a broken, desperate world.

Look up

Yes, my eyes are usually locked on a screen, whether I’m walking through a parking lot or sitting in the doctor’s office. Most of us get pre-occupied—with a project, a task, a to-do that needs our immediate attention. Sometimes if we’re honest, we don’t want to look up. We like the safety, the anonymity. We’re in such a hurry, we really don’t want anything to distract us or intrude upon our plans.

I’m so glad the Good Samaritan (Luke 10) was looking up. Perhaps if he had been on his phone or sending a text, he would have missed seeing the man laying half-dead along the side of the road. I have no idea how many opportunities I have missed because I was too pre-occupied to see others, to see anyone really, in my day-to-day routine.

I wonder what might happen if we each took a moment, just a moment, to see those who are around us? I wonder what might change inside of us if we began to prioritize the present moment instead of our dreadful agenda? Would we see a whole big world out there in a new way that begins to blow our minds, that threatens to shock and astonish our protected, safe sensibilities?

Take a moment this week to look up. Tell me what you see.

Make Eye Contact

It seems in society today, few of us are intentional about making eye contact anymore. Eye contact connects us to others in a way we’d prefer to avoid. Connects two worlds together in the space of a moment. Requires us to step out from the safe confines of our heart and notice another’s. They say they eyes are the window to the soul. I believe they are.

We know people today are more isolated, more alone, more disconnected than ever before. We know loneliness and depression are rampant. What a ministry of compassion to notice the unseen stranger instead of looking past them, and welcome them into your world. To allow them to be seen and noticed. To feel a moment of human connection. To recognize a child of God. It seems small, but sometimes the smallest acts have the greatest impact, whether we ever see the results or not.

Job 2:11-13 (NIV) says, When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads.Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.

Wherever you are this week, take one opportunity to make eye contact with someone else. What did their eyes reveal?

Engage

Start a conversation with someone. About anything or nothing, really. Just find a person or two that you can choose to engage. Ask a question. Make an observation. Nothing controversial, condemning, or political, of course. Ask them about their football jersey. Make an observation about the weather. Ask them how their day is going. Ask them how they are doing. If you really want to be brave, ask them what they are struggling most with these days. Lean in a little. Yeah, just a little…and listen.

You don’t have to make a moment into something it is not. You don’t need to force a connection or create an agenda. Allowing ourselves to be present in the moment creates an opportunity for a miracle to emerge. Our job is simply to make ourselves open and available to ourselves, to God, and perhaps another human being.

The more we can see the impact of small, simple gestures, the easier it is for us to step outside of our comfort zones and make contact with a world that is hurting. We don’t have to go to Africa to feed the hungry. They are right here. They are all around. They are children of God and they are starving to be seen, to be heard, to be loved.

Galatians 6:2 (NIV) tells us to, Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

Romans 12:15 (ESV) encourages Believers to, Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

Start a conversation with someone, anyone this week. Ask a question. Smile. Bless them. Serve them. Pray with them. Listen. What did you hear?

Look up. Make eye contact. Engage.

That’s how we in the body of Christ can be the hands and feet of Christ to those who are suffering. Because those who are suffering need us to notice.

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

5 Comments

Two Lessons About The Wisdom and Wonder of Parenting - guest post by Chip Mattis

Four Life-Changing Reasons Children Need To Hear The Word “No”

April 25, 2017

Yes, I heard it a lot growing up. The word no. It’s such a little word with a lot of influence on parents and kids.

No, you cannot watch television all day.

No, you may not skip dinner.

No, you may not use the car.

This word has fallen out of vogue in many families, almost like an old shoe that no longer fits. We've opted for a more friendly, egalitarian approach to raising our kids. We read all of the parenting books that told us somehow we could raise kids with full, tender hearts and no wounds. We learned to flitter around like butterflies and protect our little ones from any heartache or disappointment that a bad grade or a missed field goal would inflict. In the process we removed the word no from our vocabulary, as if in removing the word, we would remove any broken promises or tear-stained moments from their lives.

We know that many times we say no too often and too easily. We know when it's always on the tip of our tongue and right on the surface of our heart, the word no renders it less effective. We know that used in anger and frustration, this word can destroy a child’s soul and dim the flicker of hope in their eyes.

What I am coming to believe, though, is that by never saying no, we as parents are becoming increasingly overprotective. As a result, we are producing children who have a belly full of I want's, that's not fair's, and I deserve's that leave them emotionally starving, fragile, and ill-equipped for the real world. Because they have never had to feel what it feels like to stumble and fall, nor build the I can attitude that comes from persevering in the face of obstacles and opposition, they are in essence, set up to fail.

In a recent HuffPost article, Lori Freson, M.A., LMFT says, News flash: Kids need you to say ‘no.’ Children are not emotionally or developmentally equipped to make major decisions or rules, or to self-regulate. That’s your job. And if you don’t do it, your child will feel a sense of confusion and internal chaos.

I know we're all doing our best to make it through the day, but perhaps we need a different perspective on our parenting. As Dr. Robin Berman, Los Angeles-based psychiatrist and author states, Parenting is not a democracy; it's a benevolent dictatorship. While we need to listen better so that we can hear our kid's emotional heartbeat, we also need to stand firm when we draw boundaries for respect and responsibility, if we want our children to dream big dreams and see them come to life.

[clickToTweet tweet="Parenting is not a democracy; it's a benevolent dictatorship. _Dr. Robin Berman" quote="Parenting is not a democracy; it's a benevolent dictatorship. _Dr. Robin Berman"]

Proverbs 3:11-12 (NIV) says, My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

There are four reasons our children NEED to hear the word no:

They need to learn how to respect others.

Many young adults today have little respect in their hearts. They've had a lifetime of training that has led them to believe they possess equal power and position to the adults in their lives. Focused primarily on getting what they want, they resist respecting their parents, grandparents, teachers, or coaches based on their position of authority in their lives. You can hear it from teenagers all around— I respect my parents when they let me do what I want to do.

The problem is that as these kids of ours become adults, if they have not been taught a healthy respect for authority, they will always be fighting against someone—their bosses, their spouses, and yes, even God. By saying no to them now, we are allowing them to learn firsthand how to respect us as the God-given authority in their lives. And yes, we are also teaching them how to respect God. What a world of blessing to them as they start building their lives in a complex world filled with even more complex relationships.

Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor. I Peter 2:17 (NIV)

They need to learn that the world owes them nothing.

Most of us have experienced having to live with no’s in our lives—whether they are no’s to our career ambitions, to our hopes and dreams, even to our health and wellbeing. It doesn’t take too long in adulthood to realize that no can be a common, if not undesirable theme.

When kids get everything they want, they get entitled, and when they get entitled, they get selfish, according to Britney at Equipping Godly Women. If we want our children to thrive, they need to experience what no feels like so they can develop better self-reliance and resilience, both necessary traits to successfully accomplish their goals in life. Children who never hear no's are rarely grateful for the yes’s in their lives.

[clickToTweet tweet="Children who never hear no's are rarely grateful for the yes’s in their lives." quote="Children who never hear no's are rarely grateful for the yes’s in their lives."]

So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’ Luke 17:10 (NIV)

They need to learn to recognize warning signs to danger.

If children are never told no, they fail to develop some important internal cues that will protect them from potentially harmful or dangerous situations. Whether it is, No, don’t touch the hot stove, or No, don’t play in the street, parents need to remember that children are not small adults. They have not yet fully developed advanced cognitive reasoning skills needed to assess risk and employ protective strategies. It is our job to teach them.

By placing limits and saying no, children learn to recognize early signals to potential danger and develop the necessary skills to keep themselves safe. They are better at learning whom to trust, and when to trust, experiencing less heartache and disappointment from learning how to deal with toxic people and situations.

The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty. Psalm 22:3 (NIV)

They need to learn to regulate their emotions.

Many times parents avoid telling their children no, not because it is right or called for but because they fear upsetting them. They fear disappointing them. They fear losing their love. Fear of our children and their moods should never be the guiding factor behind our parenting.

Our children need to feel the pangs of disappointment that come from no and learn to sort through the most uncomfortable, even hurtful emotions more effectively. We cannot spend our lives trying to protect them from every pain and discouragement that comes along. We CAN prepare them to deal well in any situation life will bring.

Romans 8:28 (NIV) says, We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.

Psalms 42:11 (NIV) states, Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

I am not suggesting we become tyrants or overuse our no’s. We need to also reach into their tender hearts and listen to hopes and dreams that don't have words, and unpack the wounded moments that they are, in their own way, trying to share. Yet I do believe we can use our no's appropriately and effectively to help our children develop skills such as self-reliance, self-discipline, respect, integrity and a host of other crucial character traits. Let’s learn to use our no’s wisely and calmly so we can strengthen and fortify our children, thus empowering their lives and futures.

Blog

Apr 23, 2019

Apr 23, 2019

Mar 19, 2019

ASK LISA - How Do I Stop The Cycle of Anger?

Mar 19, 2019

Jan 29, 2019

Ask Lisa—What Do I do With A Daughter Who Is Out Of Control?

Jan 29, 2019

May 29, 2018

Four Ways Parents Can Minimize Stress While Maximizing Kids' Wellbeing

May 29, 2018

Feb 6, 2018

For Every Parent and Child Who Feels The Struggle of Being 'Raised Up'

Feb 6, 2018

Jun 27, 2017

How To Know When It’s Time For Your Millennial To Move Out

Jun 27, 2017

Jun 6, 2017

Six Steps Parents Can Take To Protect Their Teens From Porn

Jun 6, 2017

Apr 25, 2017

Four Life-Changing Reasons Children Need To Hear The Word “No”

Apr 25, 2017

Mar 21, 2017

How To Teach Your Child Respect – In This Political Climate

Mar 21, 2017

May 31, 2016

Six Myths About Being a Good Mom

May 31, 2016

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

How To Find Thanksgiving In The Middle Of Your Pain

Because Sometimes The Most Beautiful Things Spring From The Deadest Places

March 28, 2017

Sometimes the most beautiful things spring from the deadest places. A few weeks back my husband and I were attending a celebration of life service for a family friend. The service was everything beautiful and sacred, allowing us to pause for a moment and savor the words expressed over a life well-lived, a heart well-loved.

A mixture of emotions ebbed and flowed inside of me, as each refrain expressed another shade of sorrow mixed with reverence, with love, with sadness— sadness for the husband minus his soul mate, his wife; sadness for the lonely little one sitting in the wings with his friends. This sort of occasion purges from the shallowest of depths the most melancholy and tender emotions. A catharsis of sorts.

It began as nothing really, until it was something. I sat quietly watching the family pour in, ever so stately, solemnly as they took their seats. It was just one glimpse, one look that sent me reeling. In an instant a lightning bolt of anguish, anger, dare I say hatred, coursed through me. I had no idea. It had been so long ago, the pain, so old, I thought it had healed, had passed, had dissipated from the inside out. I thought.

But in an instant, my brokenness was exposed, my wound revealed in the most irreverent and untimely of ways. I exhaled, trying to rid myself of this lingering pain. To no avail.

This pang stirred inside my belly, right underneath the surface of my knowing, until a few days later as I sat in another pew, a Sunday morning pew, listening to another sermon. This sermon was about life and faith, and all sorts of truths that I forever try to stuff inside my heart to carry me, strengthen me for another day. But on this day, as I was listening, I heard the pastor say, But above all else guard your heart.(Proverbs 4:23, NIV) It hit me again.

Was He speaking to me? Was this one of those moments of revelation, of conviction, of healing, when He reaches into the deepest places in my heart to reveal His truth? For me, it was.

Somehow, years ago I had picked up an offense. I had let it steal into the corners of my heart and plant itself in the most loathsome of ways. I wasn’t even aware. On that day, my heart revealed its unholy alliance with an offense and my spirit heaved a terrible grief.

The Gift of Conviction

We will all as Believers have moments like this on our journeys, when God steps into our routine and shines His light on the dimmest, most forgotten places in our hearts that need to be healed. He speaks life and conviction, using the most tender of measures to sanctify us through and through.

I love how God never finishes with our transformation. He is never satisfied to leave us soaking in our sin. His love for us knows no end.

Romans 2:4 (NLT) shares God’s heart toward His children and their sin, Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?

Still, the one thing we can trust about our Abba Father more than anything is that just as He would leave His flock to find the one lost sheep, no matter where we are, He will find us. He will convict us, teach us, heal us, and make us new. He will never leave us in the pit. His conviction is life-giving in that the gift of repentance removes the sin that has become a cancer in our souls. The gift of repentance restores our relationship. It forms God’s character in us. Sets us free.

2 Corinthians 7:10 (NIV) states that, Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.

The Blessing of Repentance

C.H. Spurgeon says of conviction,

A true physician makes incisions only in order to effect cures, and a wise minister excites painful emotions in men’s minds only with the distinct object of blessing their souls.

And isn’t that what Easter is all about? The weight of sins that hangs heavy on our shoulders is all at once swallowed up in light, in life, in eternity, in redemption. This great salvation is for all because Jesus bore it all. ALL.

I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, And I will not remember your sins.Isa. 43:25 (NIV)

He wipes them clean. Our hearts, our lives. He forgives. He scrubs our souls with the blood of the Lamb so that now we can stand spotless.

All we have to do is repent and confess. Such little things in the grand scheme of life.

To turn away from death, and reach toward life.

Sometimes the most beautiful things spring from the deadest places.

What is God revealing in your heart that He wants to heal? How can you begin today to embrace His gift of conviction, repent, and reach towards new life in Him?

Blog

Nov 21, 2017

Nov 21, 2017

Jun 14, 2016

What To Do When Bad Things Happen and We’re Rocked To The Core

Jun 14, 2016

Apr 15, 2016

When You Feel Like God Has Forgotten The Desires Of Your Heart

Apr 15, 2016

Aug 25, 2015

How the Power of Grieving Prepares Us To Dance

Aug 25, 2015

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Comment

How To Teach Your Child Respect – In This Political Climate

March 21, 2017

So here's the thing— Joanne Kraft isn't an ordinary southern girl. Joanne is a California transplant to the hills of Tennessee, and she's got a powerful message for all parents out there — you can turn a "mean mom's" parenting into amazing children. She knows. She's got four kids of her own. She writes and speaks around the country and I'm thrilled to have my dear friend join the "Peace For A Lifetime" Community today!

Like the rest of the free world, I’m disgusted by what’s happening. Our political climate is like watching a bunch of toddlers without naps.

I’ve turned off the TV. Stopped going on Facebook and pretty much anything that allows me to see or hear this insanity.

We’ve lost the art of conversation and respect for other people’s views.

We’re just not willing to listen anymore.

How disrespectful is that?

Faith…teaches us not merely to tolerate one another, but to respect one another–to show regard to different views and the courtesy to listen. –George W. Bush, Inaugural Address 2001

Teaching Your Child To Listen

“My daughter just doesn’t respect me. What can I do? She shouts at me and doesn’t listen to a word I say.”

This is the question I get most. Parents want to know how to instill respect in their children—especially when having a conversation.

Let me ask you this, it’s a question that will answer alot…

How do you model conversation with someone who believes differently than you do?

How do you act when your husband and you disagree? How do you talk about him when he’s not around? What about your mother-in-law? How do you talk about her? How do you act when you don’t get your way?

It matters.

Toddlers who throw tantrums become adults who do the same if we don’t teach them another way.

Kids want to be heard. They want to know their thoughts and ideas matter.

Adults do, too.

The problem is, when you’re raising kids there can only be one government and that government is called Mom and Dad.

It’s actually more like a benevolent dictatorship.

How Our Kids Talk Around The Dinner Table

I believe the best parents raise kids into adults who use logic and respect to share their beliefs and opinions and then LISTEN to ours.

When our kids were all little and around our kitchen table at night, they shared in the conversation with thoughts and ideas and stories that didn’t always make sense to us.

Still, we listened.

As they grew older, their ideas got a little kooky sometimes. (Teenagers, remember?) So, we’d engage with logic and truth. We’d ask them follow up questions, “Who told you that? Why do you believe that source? Do you know anyone else who had this experience?”

That sort of thing.

Respecting another person is simply admitting that God is big enough to love him or her just as much as he loves me. –Stephen Arterburn

There is much freedom of thought in our home and if anything, we taught them to be strong in what they believed. To have an answer that made sense and was factual was encouraged. If they spouted off with rhetoric we held them accountable and asked them to think critically about what they just said. Critical thinking is lacking in so many parenting classes these days. .

Parents walk a fine line between teaching respect and response. We teach a child to respect the higher office of “parent” and instruct them to respond in a way that will be heard.

I make sure my kids understand their words carry a whole lot more weight if they are respectful with their delivery.

Why?

Because tantrums don’t work.

Name calling doesn’t work.

Shouting down Mom and Dad will never persuade us.

Ever.

Here’s a few things you can do to build teach your child the art of respectful conversation:

Teach them to use their words. Speaking just to shout or cry is not helpful. Sharing feelings is important, so start there.

Teach your child to listen. Stand or sit eye to eye with your child and take turns talking and listening, especially listening.

Acknowledge their feelings/words. “I think I heard you say that you’re not ready for a nap.” Or, “What you’re telling me is that you’re frustrated with your curfew and want to stay out later.” It’s important a child knows they’ve been heard.

It’s not personal. When their words do not persuade you to change your mind, make sure you remind them it’s not personal. I’d say something like, “You just explained yourself perfectly. I understand a lot better now why you want a later curfew. I really do, but I also have something you don’t yet have—adult perspective. I can see a bigger picture than just the curfew. I know you may not understand why I’m still not persuaded—but know this, I appreciate how you shared your heart with me and I love you very, very much.”

Respect is a character trait for success.

Why is respect so important?

Because, how my children treat me is how they’ll treat their teachers, future employers and eventually their spouses.

[clickToTweet tweet="How my children treat me is how they’ll treat their teachers, future employers and their spouses." quote="How my children treat me is how they’ll treat their teachers, future employers and their spouses."]

My kids are taught to respect all positions of authority but most importantly all people, period. There’s a difference between respecting a person and respecting their office or position.

I teach this because I was taught this by my own parents.

My Lesson In Respect Began In High School

My sophomore year in high school I had an algebra teacher who grabbed me by my jacket and sat me down in my chair.

A total jerk, right?

Okay, I may have been getting a D in the class and I may have been a bit chatty–my memory is a bit cloudy…

My three-tours-in-Viet-Nam-USMC-father called said teacher and gave him the “what for” and I silently listened from the family room.

Thinking to myself, Woohoo! Dad’s on my side!

When he got off the phone I overheard him tell my mom how much he didn’t respect the guy. Then he called for me, “Joanne!”

I almost skipped into the kitchen.

“I just spoke with your teacher. He won’t help you sit in your chair anymore. And, you’re on restriction for two weeks until we see your grade is up in his class.”

“What!? But Dad, I thought I heard you just tell Mom you didn’t like him?”

“I may not like him but he’s your teacher and from what he just shared with me, you’ve not been the best student in his class and your grade reflects that.”

The position my teacher held was to be respected. While I never respected my teacher personally, I was taught I could tolerate a lot when I didn’t like someone–even where algebra was concerned.

Teach your child to respect a position if they can’t respect a person. Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 1Peter 2:17

[clickToTweet tweet="Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 1Peter 2:17" quote="Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 1Peter 2:17"]

This is how my kids have been able to have conversations and even friendships with people from China, India, Russia, Australia, Africa, and not just other cultures but other belief systems; agnostics, Buddhists, atheists, Hindus and more.

I have to constantly remind myself my kids are watching. What I model is what I’ll see. Instead of blocking bridges or shouting down someone who might think completely opposite of how I think and believe, I’m teaching my kids to engage in conversation and respect ALL people.

It’s this process where they’ll learn to love them, too.

Scriptures About Respecting Others

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10

[clickToTweet tweet="Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10 " quote="Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10 "]

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12

Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and forsake not your mother's teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck. Proverbs 1:8-9

A Little About Joanne

Joanne Kraft is a mom of four and the author of The Mean Mom’s Guide to Raising Great Kids and Just Too Busy—Taking Your Family on a Radical Sabbatical. She’s been a repeat guest on Focus on the Family, Family Life Today and CBN. Her articles have appeared in ParentLife, Today’s Christian Woman, In Touch, Thriving Family, P31 Woman and more. Joanne and her husband, Paul, once lifelong Californians, moved their family to Tennessee. They’ve happily traded soy milk and arugula for sweet tea and biscuits.

Website http://joannekraft.com/

Monthly Newsletter – http://goo.gl/xcp7N

Facebook Author Page: http://goo.gl/nd3Jt

If you want to read more great posts about parenting, life and so much more, you'll definitely want to sign up for Joanne's blog!

Blessings,

Lisa

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How to Walk Away From Your Pain, and Embrace a Life of Peace

March 9, 2017

It was the tipping point. The beginning of the fall. No, it wasn’t a crash, a sudden impact dive that you didn’t see coming. I saw this coming. I could feel it making its way toward me and yet, I was entirely helpless to stop it.

It was a slow, distinct unraveling. That moment where you can feel the wheels teetering ever so slightly out of balance until the whole thing comes unhinged. My heart, that is.

This was the season of my undoing.

I was quite certain I had never planned for this. My life was a well-structured agenda of fortitude, perseverance, accomplishments. They needed me in some misconstrued way, yet I needed them more.

From my earliest memories, I can recall that feeling, deep in my bones, that insane and horrific gnawing that I was not enough. That I would have to prove myself. I needed to be special. I needed to feel worthy. Loved.

I heard people say, If you try hard enough, you can accomplish anything.

I believed them.

So I set my face like flint against the wind, I measured my sails, and I set out to prove my worth to the world.

Whatever it takes, that was my motto.

Whether that meant hours of studying or practicing to be good enough. Whether it meant endless miles running wrapped in plastic wrap to be skinny enough, I did it. That was me.

In seventh grade, I was voted Most Likely To Succeed in my class. It felt good. The awards felt good. Just not quite good enough.

I kept going. I thought there was some point where I would arrive. Where I would attain. Where I would be enough.

Yet, inside I knew there was something adrift. If I was quiet enough, I could hear the tremors begin to quake. I felt the muffled pangs just beneath the surface.

I wanted to be healed. I longed to know what wholeness felt like. I craved peace more than anything I could imagine.

That must be for someone else, I thought, but it must not be for me.

I often felt like the woman in Scripture reaching out, desperate to touch the threads that lined the hem of Jesus’ robe. Surely if I could touch Him, she must have thought, then I would be healed. (Mark 5:21-34)

I understood the longing of the blind man, who day after day, hoped and prayed that he would one day see. How could he have known his Savior, his Healer would come with a little clay and a little spit near the pool of Siloam and give him everything he’d ever hoped for. How? (John 9:1-12)

I could see myself like Peter, shivering in the waves and wind as he stepped out of the boat onto the Sea of Galilee. If only I had enough fortitude to keep my eyes on Jesus, I could have walked on water without sinking beneath the waves of doubt and fear that pulled me under. (Matthew 14:22-33)

And then my healing came. Not in the way you’d expect. Jesus ushered me into a sacred place. A sacred season. Jesus led me to this season of healing and He never let go.

I heard Him whisper to me, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

I needed rest.

Each week, in my season of healing, Jesus faithfully sat with me as I unpacked the weight of burdens that had become too heavy for me to carry. I could feel His hand resting on the back of my aching hand as I connected stories of my past, my wounding. He held me in His arms as I wept for the broken things that had drained any measure of hope in my soul. I felt Him. I found rest in Him.

As I learned new ways of being, new ways of believing, like a proud parent, He lovingly coaxed and cheered me on as I took my first measured, stumbling steps.

Jesus sat with pride as He watched me rebuild the foundation of my life. He nurtured the roots of our relationship well. I felt my worth for the first time. I saw His delight in me.

I was building and living a life of peace. It was all I had ever hoped for. Longed for. To breathe. To feel solid and sure. To experience wholeness. To experience abundance. Physical abundance, spiritual abundance, emotional abundance.

In John 10:10b (NKJV) Jesus shares, I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

Psalm 29:11 (NIV) adds, The Lord gives strength to His people. The Lord blesses his people with peace.

The Hebrew word for peace, shalom, refers to wholeness, completeness, safety, soundness and fullness. I believe that God’s desire for each of us as individuals is to experience that kind of abundance in our lives, both spiritually and emotionally.

The Peace Pilgrimage

As I’ve counseled thousands of individuals and couples during my career as a Professional Therapist —or desert guide, as I like to describe my profession —the one thing that my clients universally long for is not money, not success, not even happiness. The one thing they desire more than anything else is peace.

Peace isn’t some elusive feeling. Peace is not a holy grail of emotionalism. Peace is simply the by-product of a life built on a foundation of Emotional Abundance.

Emotional Abundance is built from the ground up. Emotional Abundance is something that can be cultivated and embraced, that will alter everything about how we experience God, ourselves, and those with whom we are in relationship.

Thomas Merton poignantly portrayed, “We are not at peace with others because we are not at peace with ourselves, and we are not at peace with ourselves because we are not at peace with God.”

I’ve discovered three ways we can walk away from our pain, and embrace a life of peace.

By Examining Our Lives from the Bottom Up

We will only experience true peace as we first experience peace with God. Peace with God is the foundation of a solid, stable life, filled with richness and beauty and meaning. We were created as spiritual beings, in His image. We were created to have a connection, a deep and vital relationship with the God of the Universe. We were not meant to be ships anchored unto ourselves, tossed by the whims and waves of life. We were designed to be ships anchored into something powerful, something larger than ourselves that steadies and strengthens us for the journey.

By Discovering The Man (or Woman) In the Mirror

Peace with God is what allows us to come face to face with ourselves and cultivate peace within the interior spaces of our beings. We cannot begin to own our emotional identity if we do not own our spiritual identity as the beloved of our Father. We cannot learn to be kind or compassionate with ourselves if we have not grasped hold of God’s great hand of compassion that is always reaching toward us. To find, discover, lay hold of His safe refuge that allows us to be authentic and strong, passionate and purposeful is perhaps our most transcendent blessing.

By Cultivating Healthy, Thriving Relationships

As Merton describes, we are only capable of attaining peace in our relationships if we have laid the foundation of peace with God and peace with ourselves. How could we believe that we could experience abundant relationships if we had never experienced an abundant self? Yet, as we discover peace with ourselves, we are able to enjoy and celebrate true abundance, true peace in our relationships. We are able to be more emotionally honest, more centered and stable. We are able to breathe life and freedom into our relationships.

Life doesn’t change. We change.

[clickToTweet tweet="Life doesn’t change. We change. #peaceforalifetime" quote="Life doesn’t change. We change."]

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime– Embracing a Life of Hope, Wholeness, and Harmony through Emotional Abundance, I walk with readers through whatever season of life they are in, and lay out simple, practical life-steps that will help them find healing and will nurture Emotional Abundance in every area of their lives.

Is peace something that has always eluded you?

Is peace something you have always wanted in your relationships, but have never managed to experience, at least not for any length of time?

Do you, too, feel so alone in your brokenness that hope simply seems beyond your reach?

You don’t have to keep trying so hard to prove your worth. You don’t have to keep pushing, hoping that everything will turn out okay. Healing isn’t just for someone else. Healing is for you.

[clickToTweet tweet="Healing isn’t just for someone else. Healing is for you. #peaceforalifetime" quote="Healing isn’t just for someone else. Healing is for you."]

Jesus is whispering to you, Come to me…

Will you come to Him today? Will you accept the peace He has for you? Will you let Him walk you from your season of pain right into His peace?

You can experience the love for which you long.

You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine.

You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow.

You can experience peace —for a lifetime.

Blessings,

Lisa

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Screen-Shot-2017-01-06-at-6.39.23-PM-copy-300x242.png

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Because Anniversaries Need To Be Celebrated...(Plus a Giveaway)

March 7, 2017

Who doesn't LOVE anniversaries? I can’t believe it has been a YEAR since my book, “Peace For A Lifetime” launched! What a sweet year it has been to see how God turned my healing journey into a passion to equip others to find the healing and abundance God has designed for each of us.

From where I sat twenty years ago, I could not have imagined that life could feel anything other than scattered, overwhelmed, broken, and hopeless. Yes, hopeless. I felt the life I longed for was way beyond my reach. I thought a life of peace, of strength, of abundance was for everyone else, NOT for me.

But then God changed EVERYTHING! He gave me the missing “PEACE” in my life. I discovered that He not only longed for me to experience spiritual healing, or even physical healing. In truth, He longed for me to experience emotional healing, too.

God showed me how to find balance in my emotions, how to sort through them effectively. He revealed to me my belovedness, taught me how I could love myself, and began to build in me a strong, solid sense of my identity in Christ. Amazingly, He showed me how I could build relationships that were safe, healthy, and abundant.

“Peace For A Lifetime” is the story of my broken path into healing and abundance. I could not have imagined how it has helped thousands of individuals, couples, and families find peace for their lives, too.

[clickToTweet tweet="#PeaceForALifetime is the story of my broken path into healing and abundance. " quote="“Peace For A Lifetime” is the story of my broken path into healing and abundance. "]

Order Your Copy Here!

One Amazon reviewer described “Peace For A Lifetime’s” impact this way:

I now know what happened to me and I need healing and not 1000s of pills that never work, many doctors, shock treatments, millions of dollars my insurance has paid out for over 30 years to relive me of the pain. I can't calm myself or control my emotions, and what is more amazing solutions that really work, which I have never found in my life, until I read this book. You know me 100%. Father, I thank you for leading me to this wonderful book. I will always treasure the writer for finally setting me free from the darkness I have lived in since I was a child.

Another detailed:

What is my dream? Emotional Abundance! I can't explain impact, depth and soul searching that I encountered when reading Peace for a Lifetime. No matter what "group" that we had experienced AA-NA-CR-or one-on-one therapy Lisa makes you think... really think. My first read I rushed through and wanted more so back I went for my second read and WOW the light was shining brightly over my soul, spirit and brain and I dissected each chapter like a scientist would a project... but this was my project and chance to fulfill the questions and why's of my emotions. The section of building an emotional vocabulary is pure genius and I have already put this vocabulary to use along with the meanings of my emotions that I was otherwise blowing up or glossing over...Life Changing!!! Seriously... Life Changing! Thank You Lisa Murray! If you are looking for a roadmap to emotional peace, I pray if you haven’t read “Peace For A Lifetime” yet, you will get a copy TODAY!

Order Your Copy Here!

“Peace For A Lifetime” hit #5 on Amazon’s Best-Selling Christian Counseling List!

“Peace For A Lifetime” has a 5-star rating on Amazon!

The book has even been selected as a Featured Resource by the American Association of Christian Counselors!.

So what are you waiting for? If you or someone you know needs emotional healing from depression, anxiety, brokenness, addiction, relationship struggles, or spiritual questions, give them this book!

Since this week is the one-year anniversary of “Peace For A Lifetime’s” launch, I would also LOVE for you to share this on your social media channels. Please consider the book for a group Bible study, as a resource in your church's library/bookstore, or as the topic for your women's retreats this year. Our church's need resources to meet the emotional needs of its members.

This might be just the thing someone needs to read today!

Leave a comment, tag someone, or share the post this week, using the hashtag #PeaceForALifetime and you will be entered to win a FREE book!!!!

Winner will be announced next week:)

Blessings,

Lisa

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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How I Stopped Faking It and Finally Got Real with God

February 21, 2017

For most of my life the notion of victorious Christian living felt like a heavy weight against my chest. A trap. A burden. I would read about living victoriously, I heard more sermons that I could count on the topic, but to be honest, it always felt like a trick question, an undoable task, something I’d have to work for but really could never earn.

I knew I was supposed to see God as gracious and compassionate, the loving grandfather-image with long white robe gathering the children around, but it seemed strangely ironic that I would have to work so hard to experience a little bit of His compassion and mercy.

Everyone else seemed to be living the joy-filled Christian life. They were experiencing abundance in their Christian walk that I knew nothing of. I could tell something was off, but I had no idea how to achieve this life of faith except to work for it.

Performance became a drug. Somehow I felt powerful to control and claim my worth. It was an insatiable drive, an all-encompassing need to achieve, to earn, to prove myself in His presence. I didn’t realize until much later that performing took me farther away from His presence than I could ever imagine. It cost me the thing I longed for most – my relationship with God.

Somewhere in my incessant doing, as my wheels of striving became increasingly unhinged, I ultimately came to the end of my addiction. It was there I reached out for something different. I embraced some new principles that ultimately transformed my relationship with God. So here they are:

End My Relationship With “Shoulds,” “Ought-Tos” and “Musts"

For so long I felt horrific shame when I didn’t feel a sense of euphoria or joy at the thought of spending time with God. Good Christians should long to spend time with God, I thought. I ought to spend time with Him, I reasoned, though many times my heart wasn’t in it.

I chose instead to begin building my relationship with God on meaning. I got honest with myself and honest with God. I stopped pretending and started living authentically with Him. I stopped doing all the things I felt compelled to do but never really wanted to do. I stopped beating myself up for not being consistent with my quiet time.

From then on, I freed myself to simply enjoy being with Him. I discovered how to find meaning in the moments of His presence with no agenda, no lists, or excuses. In areas and moments I lacked desire, I simply prayed for God to fill me with His desire. I allowed myself to experience Him in ways that were meaningful to me, even if foreign at times. Whether a walk with Him through nature, a lovely melody of worship that echoed somewhere deep in my heart spaces, or whether it was sitting with Him as He healed old wounds that had been hidden by years of layered callouses, for the first time I allowed His presence to simply wash over me, and refresh me. I remembered that He loved me before I ever knew how to love Him.

Be Intentional with Gratitude

Brennan Manning describes gratitude this way:

The dominant characteristic of an authentic spiritual life is the gratitude that flows from trust — not only for all the gifts that I receive from God, but gratitude for all the suffering. Because in that purifying experience, suffering has often been the shortest path to intimacy with God.

I had grappled with gratitude for so long. It seemed I was always waiting to get to the other side of life’s trials to acknowledge His provision and His blessing in my life. I was holding my breath for this season of striving to pass to see the miracle, to give thanks, and to offer appreciation.

Lately I’ve begun to realize the power of gratitude in every moment on my journey. Whether in victory or in defeat, gratitude allows me to welcome all experiences into the fabric of my story and cultivate meaning from every encounter. Instead of seeing God as capricious and tempermental, I see Him now as a loving Father, intimately connected with every victory, every defeat, and equally tender and caring in every moment of my life. For now, the intentionality of gratitude means His presence is alive and thriving in my heart.

[clickToTweet tweet="The intentionality of gratitude means His presence is alive and thriving in my heart. " quote="The intentionality of gratitude means His presence is alive and thriving in my heart."]

Be Willing to Apologize – to Myself and to God

When I first stepped back from all of the ought-tos and musts and I discovered a quieting of some pressured spaces inside, I began to notice noisy thoughts flying wildly through my mind. These thoughts were cruel and punishing, relentless and terrible. These thoughts were about me, about everything I wasn’t, and nothing I could ever become. And for most of my life, I not only believed those thoughts, I also wholeheartedly believed those were the Father’s thoughts towards me.

You’ll never be good enough. You can’t get anything right. You’ll never be worthy, much less loved.

To be honest, I was bullying myself in a way that I would never allow another to be bullied.

It turns out I was also blaming God for how miserable I felt. I was insecure when I saw His favor in other people’s lives. I remained anxious, disconnected, and resentful because that somehow felt safer than allowing others to see how I really felt about God. I needed to keep my painful reality, my faulty faith hidden from the world, from myself, and from God.

When I began to risk getting honest and exposing the reality of my broken and bandaged self, I was freed from the prison of maintaining a crumbling façade. I was freed to apologize to myself and to God for my errant cruelty. I could stop pretending, performing, and perfecting, and get back to the basics of being, of living, of loving— myself and God. I could let go of what I thought a good Christian was because what I realized was that I didn’t need to be a good Christian as much as I needed to have a passionate connection with my Father.

I cannot do it on my own. I rest in His faithful provision to complete the work He has started, knowing that His work in my life is the ultimate gift of love.

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

7 Comments

The One Stress-Reducing Strategy That Is Guaranteed To Change Your Life

February 7, 2017

When you own your breath, nobody can steal your peace.

~Author Unknown

I know. We like quick fixes. We like our pills. We like anything we can passively do or take that will eliminate any amount of stress or anxiety in our lives.

However, there is a strategy that’s been around for ages that is proven to help lower our stress in minutes. It can be used anywhere, anytime. It’s free and, it comes without a prescription. It’s deep breathing.

Now most of you are rolling your eyes, conjuring images of pretzel-like yoga positions, or some kind of “New-Age” mumbo-jumbo. I know, I know. I thought that too, at first. But as someone with a long history of anxiety and panic disorder, deep breathing has given me back my life and empowered me to successfully deal with the stress life will always bring.

Deep breathing is our body’s internal thermostat, much like the thermostat in most of our homes. When our home’s temperature rises to a certain level, the air-conditioning kicks in and cools the home to its desired temperature. In a similar way, when our body’s internal temperature heats up, we can utilize deep breathing to lower the temperature inside our bodies to a more comfortable setting.

Science tells us that once we become stressed, our heart rate increases, sometimes dramatically. Stress activates the sympathetic nervous system, increasing shallow, rapid breathing, which in turn raises our internal temperature. In contrast, slow, deep breathing actually stimulates the opposing parasympathetic reaction — the one that calms us down. “If you breathe correctly, your mind will calm down,” said Dr. Patricia Gerbarg, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at New York Medical College in a recent NY Times article.

Deep breathing targets the physical stress responses in our bodies and not only forces our heart rate to slow, but also helps our muscles to relax, keeping our brains both calm and connected. By slowing our heart rate, we lower our internal temperature and remain better able to productively reason through and find effective strategies to deal with any stressful situation. This is why deep breathing is the one proven strategy that is guaranteed to reduce your stress in minutes. So, here are some of the basics.

https://vimeo.com/202839108

Sitting upright or lying down, place your hands on your belly.
Slowly breathe in, expanding your belly, to the count of three.
Hold for a moment.
Slowly breathe out to the count of four.
The goal is to increase your breathing to a count of six. Practicing this for 10 to 20 minutes a day.

Practice this consistently, making sure that your breathing is deep from your belly rather than shallow, chest breathing, and you will discover a powerful tool that can be utilized anytime, anywhere, and in any situation. From the boardroom to the living room, from sitting at the dinner table to driving in the car, you can become intentional in your breathing and learn how to use deep breathing exercises to regulate your internal temperature and reduce stress.

If there is one tool that will increase your EI (emotional intelligence) and help you successfully manage life and relationships, deep breathing is that tool. Learn it. Practice it. Make it your “go-to” and you will find increased inner strength and greater peace.

[clickToTweet tweet="When you own your breath, nobody can steal your peace. ~Author Unknown #PeaceForALifetime" quote="When you own your breath, nobody can steal your peace. ~Author Unknown"]

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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The One Thing Missing From The Conversation Over Immigration

January 31, 2017

And why it’s destroying any hope of unity for our nation

I have read many things the past few days on social media. I have witnessed honest distress and confusion as well as mass hysteria and vitriolic rage at the recent executive order on immigration from the Middle East.

I have heard the question posed, What would Jesus do?

I’ve read quotes from the Statue of Liberty, Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore, denouncing any wall that would keep anyone from entering our great country.

I understand the heartache. I do. It is hard to know how to love well, where to serve, and what to give of ourselves to others. We all struggle to balance our responsibility to our families and our children with our great love and compassion to the least of these who are in desperate need in every corner of the globe.

How do we live out the Micah 6:8 command to, “Act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God?” Though it is a lifelong struggle, this is my guiding principle and the goal that I seek to model however imperfectly, and live out in my life.

Acting “justly” is defined by the King James Dictionary as, Conformity to law, justice or propriety; by right. The offender is justly condemned. The hero is justly rewarded, applauded or honored. 1. According to truth and facts. His character is justly described. 2. Honestly; fairly; with integrity; as, to do justly. 3. Properly; accurately; exactly. Mercy by definition implies, benevolence, tenderness, mildness, pity or compassion, and clemency, but exercised only towards offenders. Lastly, the term “humility” denotes, freedom from pride and arrogance; humbleness of mind; a modest estimate of one's own worth. In theology, humility consists in lowliness of mind; a deep sense of one's own unworthiness in the sight of God, self-abasement, penitence for sin, and submission to the divine will.

In this instance and in every situation in life, we will do well, we will find health as we seek to hold onto and pursue these three principles from Micah. Sadly, we live in a day of extremes. These extremes force us to believe the lie that if we hold one thing, that is the only virtue we can measure and pursue to the exclusion of all others. What is missing from our dialogue on immigration and on many other issues today is balance.

We are told often that if we are loving, we must only show love. We must cast aside any wisdom, any discernment, or justness. Likewise, we are taught that if we hold any virtues of truth, wisdom, etc., that we simply cannot be loving and compassionate, or show mercy to others. This is the great lie.

Dr. David Burns in his book “The Feeling Good Handbook,” a gold-standard in the field of psychology, discusses the danger of cognitive distortions and teaches individuals how to recognize and neutralize extreme “all-or-nothing”, “black-or-white” thoughts, as well as overgeneralizations, so that we can become balanced in our thinking and move forward in our lives in a non-reactive, thoughtful, productive way.

Not only do we use cognitive distortions in our perceptions of ourselves and the world around us, we use them in our perceptions of God as well. At times inclined to view the attribute of God we favor or with which we feel the most comfortable, we find ourselves ignoring or distorting the totality of God’s nature and His character.

We like to think of God as love. We feel comfortable with this attribute of His character, and indeed, He is love. Yet Scripture is clear, that God is also equally holy, just, merciful, and righteous. We cannot take Him or His character out of context and discover any truth, health, or wisdom for our lives.

The question becomes, Can we be loving, caring, compassionate individuals and have wise, thoughtful boundaries at the same time?

Is love and compassion mutually exclusive from wisdom and discernment?

Scripture commands us to be loving, to care for our neighbors, to serve the least of these. My prayer is that as Christ-followers we would lead the way in reaching out to be the hands and feet of Christ within our churches, our families, and our communities. I pray that we would move past the empty rhetoric we so widely hear from those around us who are first to protest and last to serve, first to riot and last to put their love into action; that we would live out the Great Commission because it is the call of our Master and we will do our best to serve Him faithfully.

I also pray that God would give us wisdom in equal measure, so that we will know where our love and compassion can be best utilized. I pray for discerning hearts and minds so that we can become passionate and purposeful in using our energies to serve others. I pray that we can know when our love isn’t loving, when our love has turned into enabling, or has become dangerous to others and ourselves. I pray we would in all of our actions, find the place where justice, mercy, and humility can exist and grow together.

Resist the temptation to abandon one virtue in our fervor for another. Find balance in your thoughts and your emotions as you pursue justness, mercy, and humility.

Matthew 10:16 (KJV) tells us, Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.

We can do both. We can hold the virtues of truth, justice, and wisdom together with love, mercy, and compassion. We can love wisely and well. We can. We must, if we are to find a path together, not only to heal the wounds of this great country, but to live out our life mission as Christ followers and spread the good news of salvation to every neighborhood and nation.

[clickToTweet tweet="We can hold the virtues of truth, justice, and wisdom together with love, mercy, and compassion." quote="We can hold the virtues of truth, justice, and wisdom together with love, mercy, and compassion."]

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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13 Comments

Five Powerful Resolutions To Unlock Your Personal Best This Year

January 10, 2017

Here we go again. It’s only been a few weeks into this new year and I’ve been inundated with an onslaught of goals, expectations, and resolutions I should have for myself this coming year. Social media has bombarded me with posts about every program for weight loss, finances, wellness, speaking, writing, and relationships that promise me guaranteed success in just three easy steps and three easy payments.

How many of us have made heartfelt resolutions, set lofty goals in the early hours of the new year that we’ve never really gotten around to, eventually given up on, and somehow forgotten until next year rolls around and we find ourselves trying to remember what resolutions we made in the first place? Has anyone else had enough? I have.

Please forgive me, but I don’t want any more resolutions this year. I don’t need another weight on my shoulders. I can’t take the pressure, the guilt, or the remorse for what I didn’t do, didn’t accomplish, perhaps didn’t even remember.

What I am recognizing is that what I need most is quiet space. I need less pressure and more solitude. I need to exhale and to learn how to settle into each moment with more ease. I need to be a little more gentle with the broken parts of myself that are still healing and growing. I need more down time to re-teach the child in me how to dream, how to re-imagine the world, and how to color outside the lines. Perhaps I need to be reminded that indeed, it is okay to color outside the lines.

Somehow I think we all feel like the busyness of life is becoming too much. What we need most are not more resolutions, but more ways we can become un-burdened, un-ashamed, un-stressed, and un-afraid. So here are a few things I’m doing to push back from the pressure and make this year the year of un-resolutions.

Un-schedule yourself.

Take one thing off of your calendar each week. Find one chore, responsibility, errand, or meeting that you can remove from your schedule. Trust me, you’ll live even if the classroom cookies don’t get baked, if the house doesn’t get vacuumed, or the phone call doesn’t get returned right then.

We are all over-leveraged and over-scheduled. We are drowning in a sea of ‘musts.’ Pick something you can remove and begin to simplify and un-clutter your life.

Un-commit your children.

Find one activity, birthday party, or seasonal sport you can remove from your children’s schedule. Just say no. It’s easy, try it. Your kids won’t die. They won’t be rejected from Harvard.

Your entire family will actually benefit from a simpler schedule that’s not so jam-packed. Everyone will experience less stress, less anxiety, and less depression. Each family member can relax into a purposeful pace that allows them to define and nurture their natural talents as well as their highest priorities.

Un-attach technology.

Find pockets of time where you choose not to pick up your phone or tablet in order to mindlessly scroll through your favorite social media. Instead, breathe, and notice the scenery around you. Be mindful. Find peace in the silence.

When you feel the impulse to pick up your technology, simply make a choice not to. Notice how it feels. Create a sacred space where your heart and your mind can let go and recharge.

[clickToTweet tweet="Create a sacred space where your heart and your mind can let go and recharge. #peaceforalifetime" quote="Create a sacred space where your heart and your mind can let go and recharge."]

Un-plug the noise.

Have the family practice thirty minutes of silence every day. No television, no technology. Little ones can play quietly with toys or color. Older children can read, explore outdoors, or paint. Adults can enjoy a quiet moment with a cup of tea, find time to pray, take a walk, contemplate, or journal.

Everyone in the family benefits from being freed from their addiction to technology, music, and other external stimuli. Developing the ability to connect with ourselves, our environment, and our family members would not only strengthen communication and relationship skills, it would fundamentally enhance creativity and build core emotional resilience needed to successfully manage the pressures of day-to-day life.

Un-leash your faith.

Do something meaningful to engage your faith. Lean in. Surrender. Develop a relationship with God that you’ve been putting off or avoiding. Stop trying to live life being your own superhero. The truth is, you can’t.

Allow God to step in and rescue you. Let Him carry your heaviest burden and heal your deepest wound. Cultivate moments of joy and gratitude. Invest in love. Growing a deep connection with God will unleash a supernatural power and peace in every area of your life.

[clickToTweet tweet="Growing a deep connection with God will unleash a supernatural power and peace in every area of your life. " quote="Growing a deep connection with God will unleash a supernatural power and peace in every area of your life."]

What might happen if we all resisted the urge to grind out more resolutions this year and embraced a few of these “un-resolutions?” I believe we might just breathe better, live freer, and find more strength, more passion, and more hope than we could ever imagine.

Have you ever tried any of these “un-resolutions?” What kind of impact did it have on you or your family’s life? I’d love to hear!

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

3Dbook_white

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13 Comments

Let The Church Be The Church

August 23, 2016

An Open Letter To The Christian Community About Serving Those With Mental Illness

He came to live with us after a brief stay at a local psychiatric hospital. He needed a safe place to regroup and regain some semblance of stability. Over many months, his life had come haltingly unraveled and his hospital visit was the beginning of a new life with a new diagnosis.

His journey was a daunting one. The courage he displayed in facing his mental illness and finding his way back from the chaos to build a life of stability and hope was nothing short of inspirational. My heart aches to witness these beautiful, brave human beings fighting such a fierce and lonely battle.

Yet for many families dealing with mental illness within the Christian community, finding any kind of support or spiritual guidance can be challenging. Though I have been blessed to attend an incredibly strong and supportive church, according to Lifeway Research, most Protestant senior pastors (66 percent) seldom speak to their congregation about mental illness.

It is often common practice in churches to treat mental illness differently than other illnesses. Somehow we immediately assume there is something else, some deeper spiritual struggle causing the mental and emotional strain.

Maybe there is. But maybe there isn’t. We don’t automatically assume that someone with cancer is in sin or needs to be freed from a satanic attack. Why then do we label or minimize the legitimacy of mental illness?

LifeWay Research recently conducted a study on mental illness within the church and found that a third of Americans—and nearly half of evangelical, fundamentalist, or born-again Christians—believe prayer and Bible study alone can overcome serious mental illness. There are more than a few anecdotal stories from individuals in the church body who have been discouraged from taking psychotropic medications, some even being shamed for it, suggesting that seeking help for mental disorders represents spiritual weakness.

These teachings are disheartening because they prevent people from getting the help they desperately need. They also prevent the church from being what they were designed to be —the church.

Ed Stetzer noted, We can talk about diabetes and Aunt Mable’s lumbago in church—those are seen as medical conditions, but mental illness–that’s somehow seen as a lack of faith.

What the church needs to come to terms with and understand is that mental illness is not just a spiritual condition or weakness. These are real disorders with both biological and environmental causes. Those suffering shouldn’t be told to have more faith, to “get into the Word,” or to pray more. We would never say those kinds of things to those dealing with cancer, heart disease, or diabetes.

What those dealing with mental illness need most from the church is for us to be the hands and feet of Christ, ministering compassion, love and truth to a hurting world in need.

In Matthew 11:29 (NIV) Jesus says, Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Jesus tells us that He is gentle and humble in heart. If we are to be His hands and feet, perhaps Jesus intends that we the church become gentle and humble in dealing with the mentally ill. He doesn’t intend for those in the body to add a heavier burden, but for us to be a safe refuge where the wounded and weary among us can find compassion and grace to strengthen them on their journey.

The church is well equipped to meet the needs of people in every kind of crisis. We are the first to arrive on the front lines of any disaster or war and the last to leave communities rebuilding after a crisis. We are generous beyond measure in our giving to individuals, organizations, and causes that routinely serve those in need. We know how to use the power of prayer to unleash the forces of heaven over any illness, relationship crisis, wayward child, or financial distress. We know how to care for people.

What would happen to those suffering from depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, or a host of other mental disorders if the body of Christ were to simply do the things we already know how to do so well?

We don’t have to cure those struggling with mental health issues. We shouldn’t feel compelled to fix them. Yet we can surely pray for them. We can walk with them. We can offer a meal, a ride, a cup of coffee, or a listening ear to them. Maybe we could babysit for them while they are at their counseling appointments. We in the church body could even begin a conversation about mental health needs that have been hidden in the shadows for far too long.

Churches need to become places where people feel welcomed to talk about their mental health. God wants the body to care for the whole person. and our emotional/mental struggles are such a huge part of our individual and collective journeys. Let’s share our struggles instead pretending they don’t exist. Let’s rejoice in our victories and grieve our relapses instead of judging them or quietly walking away. More than anything, let’s do this journey together. Isn’t that what we all need – to live and love, to serve and save, to rescue and reclaim our hearts together?

God loves all of His children. He has a purpose for each and every one. We should never need those who struggle with mental disorders to get “right,” so they can be used by God. Perhaps God wants to use them right where they are to teach us about perseverance, about courage, about faith. We would do well to learn and to listen.

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

16 Comments

The Way Of Faith In a PC World

August 9, 2016

Lately I’ve been feeling a tug somewhere deep within me. Really, it’s more than a tug and I’ve been feeling it for a while now.

It was subtle, almost imperceptible at first. Yet the pull between worshipping God or worshipping the god of political correctness has become more critical and demanding, bringing with it both conviction and consequences.

I have been a Christ follower since the age of thirteen. My faith has been my foundation and guiding force in life. It informs everything I do —every conversation, every choice, relationship, interaction. My faith has always taught me to be respectful, kind, compassionate…as Jesus was.

So when the media began encouraging us to watch our words, to be “non-offensive,” I eagerly obliged. No problem. The rhetoric appeared very much in line with my values as a Believer.

They called it “political correctness,” a term adopted in the late 1970’s by feminists and progressives, “ironically, as a guard against their own orthodoxy in social change efforts." Though it wasn’t used frequently until the latter part of the 20^th century, the term has come to communicate a stronger social disapproval in more recent years than it did in its infancy.

It seemed benign. Political correctness is defined in modern usage as, language, policies, or measures which are intended not to offend or disadvantage any particular group of people in society. That sounds great, right? Who wants to offend or disadvantage?

With this new term came a new set of speech codes researched by University of Pennsylvania professor Alan Charles Kors and lawyer Harvey A. Silverglate that, mandate a redefined notion of ‘freedom,’ based on the belief that the imposition of a moral agenda on a community is ‘justified’, a view which, requires less emphasis on individual rights and more on assuring ‘historically oppressed’ persons the means of achieving equal rights.

The Subtle Surrender

So little by little, like the slow drip of a faucet, we were instructed by political and/or cultural forces on the areas we, the general public, were disrespecting or “offending” an individual or group. Whether it was through the names we used to identify ethnicities or groups of people, or whether it was in the laws passed to protect disadvantaged groups, we quietly acquiesced. No sense in making a big fuss, we thought.

When the elimination of God in our schools, communities, or public squares began and the ACLU began filing lawsuits at every statue, monument, or prayer in order not to offend anyone, we became slightly uncomfortable. We consoled ourselves with the notion that our values and beliefs were the foundation of our country and would surely never be dismantled. Why fight back? That’s not the “Christian” way. God is in control anyway, we quietly repeated.

Inside, I felt the pull. The pull between my faith and this new faith, this new religion. Religion, according to Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary is defined as, A personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices; a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith.

Political correctness has become the religion of the 21^st century. Its system of attitudes and practices, worshipped with as much devotion as any traditional religion, has transformed the landscape of American culture and infiltrated every aspect of society.

Throughout the years what began as a program fostering respect has become anything but respectful. Somewhere along the way, encouragements have become commands, and the rhetoric every day appears less tolerant and inclusive, more demanding and punitive. The delineation between love and hate would seem crystallized around one’s agreement or disagreement with established, modern dogmas or theologies.

Don’t agree with their agenda? You will be immediately labeled and denounced. Want to live in a way that honors traditional values and beliefs? You might just lose your job, your business, and you may be targeted with ridicule and condemnation.

There is coming a day friends, perhaps it has already arrived, when we who identify as Believers will have to choose. We will no longer be able to straddle the fence, we won’t be able to find a comfortable spot in the warm shade of grey. For the grey areas of life are shrinking rapidly.

As I’ve contemplated the tug in my heart, the increasing and unrelenting pressure inside, I’ve recognized that it is shaking me out of any dull, comfortable slumber in which I had previously existed. It is forcing me to face myself, face my God, and define in the clearest, strongest fashion my ‘faith manifesto,’ —the who, the what, my life is going to stand and how I am going to engage all people in a way that is congruent with my beliefs and values, that is born from my deepest commitment to God.

The Way of Faith

So here it is - as perfectly imperfect, at times broken and unsteady as the journeyer writing this can be. Yet hopefully this will give clarity and wisdom to my steps and my words for the days that lie ahead.

1.I will passionately live out my faith. I will follow God alone. I will lay hold of and live out my beliefs and values not through the media, the persuasion of public opinion, or the fear of ridicule. I will define the principles by which I live through the Bible and the Holy Spirit, who is my Comforter, my Teacher, my Counselor, my Encourager, my Friend.

Scripture says, If you love me, keep my commands. Though I will be an imperfect warrior, a broken and flawed vessel, my heart is to seek Him, worship Him, and serve Him above all.

2. I will offer love. In the clinical world we use a term called ‘unconditional positive regard.’ What that means is that whoever walks through my door, wherever their background, whatever their color, conviction, or creed, I will show unconditional positive regard. I will see their humanity just as mine and will humbly and gratefully walk with them along their journey. The word ‘love’ means, a warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion; and unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.

John 13:34 (NIV) says, A new commandment I give to you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

John 13:35 (NIV,) By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

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3. I will be a safe place. I don’t need everyone to agree with me. I am free to hold and live out my values and beliefs while being close to someone who may or may not be just like me. I don’t need others to validate my identity, spiritual or emotional. I don’t need others to make it ‘safe’ for me or my views, and still, as a consequence of my safety, I can offer safety to those with whom I am in relationship.

Scripture says, It is His lovingkindness that leads to repentance. In the counseling office, no one experiences transformation in a hostile, unsafe environment. It is the essence of safety that allows individuals to open themselves, their deepest wounds, and experience insight, light, and life.

4. I will show respect. Respect is, an act of giving particular attention: consideration; high or special regard: esteem; the quality or state of being esteemed. Respect simply means I show others consideration, esteem, kindness. Respect is not offered as a reward for respect shown to me. I do my best to respect others because that is who I am. Christ-followers should be the model for transformed lives.

I Peter 2:17 encourages us to, Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor. The second commandment from Mark 12:31(NIV) says that we are to, love our neighbor as our self. Be with your neighbor. Don’t isolate from them. Consider them. Help them. Respect them. Love them.

5. I will not judge the person. We were all created in the image of God. We are each wholly and divinely loved by God. Our worth was settled at our creation. In judging another’s character, value, or inherent worth, I judge and condemn my own. I will do my best to show honor and respect to others, whether I agree with them or not, whether they judge me or not.

Matt 7:1-2 (NIV) tells us, Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

6. I will judge behaviors. We all judge behaviors. It seems that a convenient and powerful tool of the PC culture has been to quote Matthew 7:1 that we should, judge not lest we be judged. Unfortunately, many who don’t fully understand Scripture remain silenced and/or sidelined by that passage. Scripture is clear that we should not judge (condemn the worth, value, or character of) another individual. And Scripture is equally clear that we as Believers should judge (discern, declare, assess) that which is right or wrong, that we are to distinguish between that which is righteous and congruent with the Word of God, and that which is in error or rebellion to God.

YES, we are to judge – the behavior, not the person. I will never call sin un-sin. I will never, whether mine or another’s, applaud the willful rejection of that which is true, noble, and of good report. I will never call wrong right. I cannot.

John 7:24 (ESV) offers, Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.

Colossians 1:9(NIV) shares, For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives.

Amos 5:14-15 tells us to, Seek good, and not evil, that ye may live: and so the LORD, the God of hosts, shall be with you, as ye have spoken. Hate the evil, and love the good, and establish judgment in the gate: it may be that the LORD God of hosts will be gracious unto the remnant of Joseph.

2 Timothy 4:2 (NIV) states that we should, Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction.

Ephesians 4:15 (NIV) offers, Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

Worshipping the god of political correctness is dangerous precisely because there is no concrete declaration of what their mission looks like in its entirety or when it will be accomplished. It is ever-evolving, always changing. PC will simply demand a little more, and a little more, until there are no moral absolutes, no sin, no aberrant, no abnormal, where there is no need for God, no need for redemption, no need for a Savior.

Matthew 6:24a (NIV) says, No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.

Whom will you choose to worship? When it comes down to it, will you choose to worship Yahweh or the god of this age.

Hebrews 13:8 (NIV) says, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. His truth doesn’t bend or pretend based on popularity or fame. It doesn’t cater to, nor does it sanctify tickling rhetoric or political agendas just to be en vogue. God is love, yet He is at the same time holy, righteous, and just. He is beautiful and unequalled. He has made a way for each of us to escape the consequence of our broken, sinful nature —His name is Jesus. He died for you and me. He can heal the deepest heartaches and mend our broken, wayward ways. He is good and yes, He is God.

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The Good News

We have a choice and an opportunity. The good news is that the more polarized society becomes, there is less room for a casual faith, less space for half-hearted sentiment or generic tradition. The good news is that anytime, any place we can claim our faith and begin to pursue a passionate journey with God.

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Emotionally-abundant individuals know their spiritual and emotional identity and choose to live congruent with their beliefs and values. This gives strength, it provides meaning, it amplifies purpose. A “pick-and-choose faith” has no foundation and is destined for weakness and/or collapse.

As the tug between worshiping God or the god of political correctness becomes more uncomfortable and untenable, we have the opportunity to get off the sidelines of our faith. We can live out passionately a strong faith that embodies truth and love, is wrapped in compassion, respect, and kindness. True faith never advocates hatred- period.

Pastor Rick Warren beautifully summarizes this truth as he states,

Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.

Have you felt the tug? How is God challenging you to a stronger faith?

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.