I sat and listened to him fill in the missing puzzle pieces of his life. With each story, a mixture of joy and pain. There is the distinct realization that in every event, every experience, we were missing.
It was the Wednesday after Labor Day. I remember it distinctly — a day not unlike so many others before. I was finishing up after a long day at work. It was late. As is my custom, I called my husband as I drove home to let him know I was on my way.It was already dark. I was trying to concentrate on the road as I waited for him to pick up the phone. He didn’t say hello. He hesitated a moment, then simply stated, “You’ll never guess who’s here.” I knew immediately.
I have felt the tremors shake the ground beneath my feet. I have heard the rumble of change in the distance. Maybe you have noticed it, too.
With the recent Supreme Court rulings, what once seemed like small shifts, infrequent adjustments, minor accommodations pulling at the fabric of our society, have now become seismic reverberations, undermining the foundation of everything we knew, or thought we knew. Almost with a single motion, the roots that held us together and strengthened us have been extracted, uprooted, undone.
We’ve all had moments where we were afraid. Fear is a natural emotion, a normal response to a real threat. We may feel afraid if someone unknown enters our home. We may feel afraid if we are in a situation where our life or wellbeing is endangered. I was afraid one night when I was driving down the interstate and a deer ran out in front of my car. I was terrified the day I stood in front of my television and watched two enormous towers fall.
What a blessing it is when you meet someone whose heart beats like yours!This was my experience getting to know my friend Constance Rhodes, Founder and CEO of FINDINGbalance, a leading non-profit resource for DAILY help with eating and body image issues. Constance is a passionate follower of Christ, a leader, speaker, author and advocate for those struggling with eating disorders. If I had to sum her up in one phrase, I would describe her as a small stick of dynamite that packs a powerful punch. She is tenaciously focused on helping those who, like her, have battled an eating-related issue.
My favorite thing about growing up in Florida was the time my family spent at the beach. I still love the beach. No, I’m not a sun-goddess. My fragile and freckled, pale skin has never stood a chance against the intensity of Florida’s sun-saturated sky.
Perfect. Such a nice word. If only everything could be perfect, life would be much neater, cleaner somehow. The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines the word perfect as, "being entirely without fault or defect. Flawless. Satisfying all requirements. Being completely correct or accurate." Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?
The air was thick and wet. I could see the early morning dew permeate the sky and move sluggishly, labored and heavy, over the grass and in between the trees. My breath felt as heavy as the dew.
I almost missed the pair of wild turkeys as they meandered across the lawn in the way they always do, heading toward the pond, unaware of my presence. Unaware of time. Free from to-do’s.
The perfect red cardinals that fluttered between the two junipers anchoring the patio were not pressured by a check-list, by demands that sap the energy from their marrow. They flew effortlessly, nestled only in the constraints of the here and now.
He was late again. One more late night at the office, one more round of drinks with his clients, one more dinner missed. When he walked into the kitchen all he found was a plate sitting on the stove.
So strange, I wondered.As I was walking out the back door, heading to church, I looked down to see what appeared to be a thousand tiny spatters of red embedded along the bottom half of my garage wall.
There are times when life comes at us full-force. There is no escape. No relief. It seems as if we are caught in a windstorm, fighting against the fierce elements attacking our every movement. We are left struggling with any last measure of energy to steady ourselves, to lean in, to survive.
My heart is heavy. I know yours is too. Every week, it seems, another new story, another life lost, another city burning. The names of Michael Brown, Freddie Gray, Eric Gardner tighten our consciousness. Ferguson, Baltimore, all evoke passions that run deep on one side or another.
If you thought race was an issue of the past in our country, you would be sadly mistaken.
Have you ever sat in wonder at a full moon in the midnight sky? Have you ever had an experience of awe that left you speechless, humbled, inspired?
Overwhelmed. I sat with the application for graduate school in my hands, but for some inexplicable reason, I could not make a decision. For weeks, I could not put the stamp on the envelope and mail it in.
What-if’s paralyzed me. What if I hate it? What if I love it? What if I am terrible at school? What if I am great at school? What if it has been too long since I’ve been in school? What if it is too much for me to handle? What if I am too old?
The negative thoughts were endless.
I always wanted to go to graduate school. Me, the plumber’s daughter who barely thought it possible that I might go to college at all, wanted to go to graduate school.
My husband, the courageous one, said, What have you got to lose? If this is not the right program, you could simply switch and try something else you might like better.
I could? That seemed too easy. Surely there must be something else I am not considering. I felt an immense pressure to make the right decision, the perfect decision.
Isn’t that what traps us all at times – the pressure to get things right, perfect? Decisions, it seems, weigh heavily. Trapped underneath the weight of ought’s and should’s and must’s and if’s, we can find ourselves teetering on the brink of collapse at the very notion of what might befall us.
So, how do we know if we’re making a good decision? What is there that can help us feel more confident about taking the next step, whatever that step may be?
There are four proven strategies I’ve learned that can help make you a winning decision-maker.
1. Learning the Art of Calm. I don’t know about you, but when faced with a decision, I can almost feel my blood pressure rise and my heart start pumping faster. My mind is dizzy and scattered. I can’t feel confident about any decision when I am physiologically stressed because it shifts me into fight or flight mode. My thinking becomes confused and disorganized, which makes decision-making even more difficult.
Learning to calm our bodies and quiet our minds with deep-breathing techniques, helps us to release all of the thoughts flooding our minds so we can arrive at a place where we are mentally and physically calm and centered. We can never make healthy decisions when we are in a stressed state, which is why this step is vital. Some of my worst decisions have been made when I made knee-jerk decisions in a moment of stress or emotion.
2. Developing the Habit of Information-Gathering. When faced with a decision, my “go-to” power step is to begin gathering information. Are there articles I can read online? Is there an expert in the field to whom I can ask questions? Does this fit me – my personality, my strengths and weaknesses, my beliefs and values? Does this feel like a natural extension of where I am going or does it feel like a left turn?
There are no right or wrong answers. We just won’t make a well-informed decision without the answers to some of these questions. For me, the additional benefit to developing the habit of research is that is helps calm me. As I gather information, I usually feel less overwhelmed. I can see the picture more clearly. The more detailed information I collect usually provides a sense deep inside as to whether something feels right or not. Some people may call this their gut instinct, I call it my inner voice, that distinct, loving, compassionate voice of the Holy Spirit, moving and breathing inside of me. Longing to speak in only the way He can speak. Beckoning me. As I gather information prayerfully, the pathway before me usually becomes more clear, more illuminated.
3. Committing the decision to prayer. So I come to this place. I've calmed myself. I've done my best to gather information and wisdom that will help me make the best decision possible. Now I cover my decision in prayer. I release. I submit - my will for God's, my plans for His, knowing that His will is infinitely better, His thoughts infinitely higher than mine could ever be. In this moment I am free. In casting my cares upon Him, He will order my steps. I need not fear.
For me, I don't want my strategies. I don't want my will. I want His will more than anything. Prayer releases whatever hold I may have, whatever desire to which I may cling. Prayer prepares me to step out, though I may not be able to see where I am going. The outcome may be hazy and unclear, but my identity, my passion and my purpose gives me the courage to move. My destination is owned by my Heavenly Father and that is forever crystal clear.
4. Daring to Take the Next Step. So I step. Out into the unknown at times. But I step. I’ve learned that paralysis will never yield the result I want, nor will it lead me where I want to go. I have learned through the years that most decisions do not carry life-or-death, all-or-nothing outcomes. Every decision can be an opportunity to learn and grow.
If somehow along the way, I made a mistake, that is okay. I don’t have to get everything right the first time. I certainly don’t have to be perfect. I just have to try my best. And if for some reason, I did take a left turn —well, I can calm myself, gather more information, and take another step in a different direction.
Ultimately, individuals who are actively involved in taking steps in their lives, even if they make a mistake, build a forward momentum that carries them where they want to go.
What is the decision you face today?
What is the weight that looms over you, that threatens to paralyze you and keep you trapped right where you are?
Don’t let a decision overwhelm you. Don’t fight against it. Don’t run from it.
Walk right up to your decision,
learn the art of calm,
develop the habit of information-gathering,
commit your decision to prayer,
and dare to take the next step!
[bctt tweet="Walk right up to your decision, learn the art of calm, gather information, pray, and dare to take the next step!"]
I'd love to hear about how you've approached decisions in your life and how you've dared to take the next step!
Thanks,
Lisa Murray, LMFT
Director of Counseling Ministries
Grace Chapel
(615)294-3424
The three musketeers. That’s who we were. Heather, Julie and me. We met in college, though I can’t even remember exactly when or how we became friends. It just seems that we always were.
… and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin
I love holding her hand. At ninety-four years old, my grandmother’s hand is a fragile hand. A strong hand. A hand that is weathered and worn with the triumphs and tragedies of life. Though the skin on her hand is now thin, her long, slender fingers remain refined in their beauty, her nails painted the color of a delicate summer peach.
Have you ever stood in the shadow of a mountain and felt so small? Are there days you feel like David holding a handful of pebbles as Goliath towers in the distance, echoing impossibility and certain defeat?
I didn’t get married until I was 32 years old. No, I wasn’t a feminist who had sworn off marriage until I had climbed the corporate ladder. Nor was I a free spirit who was resistant to settling down into the comfortable rituals and responsibilities of holy matrimony.
I learned the hard way. Just because I was raised in the church and was a passionate follower of Christ, that didn’t mean I was whole on the inside. The truth was, I was an emotional wreck.