Five Powerful Resolutions To Unlock Your Personal Best This Year

 Here we go again. It’s only been a few weeks into this new year and I’ve been inundated with an onslaught of goals, expectations, and resolutions I should have for myself this coming year. Social media has bombarded me with posts about every program for weight loss, finances, wellness, speaking, writing, and relationships that promise me guaranteed success in just three easy steps and three easy payments.

How many of us have made heartfelt resolutions, set lofty goals in the early hours of the new year that we’ve never really gotten around to, eventually given up on, and somehow forgotten until next year rolls around and we find ourselves trying to remember what resolutions we made in the first place? Has anyone else had enough? I have.

Please forgive me, but I don’t want any more resolutions this year. I don’t need another weight on my shoulders. I can’t take the pressure, the guilt, or the remorse for what I didn’t do, didn’t accomplish, perhaps didn’t even remember.

What I am recognizing is that what I need most is quiet space. I need less pressure and more solitude. I need to exhale and to learn how to settle into each moment with more ease. I need to be a little more gentle with the broken parts of myself that are still healing and growing. I need more down time to re-teach the child in me how to dream, how to re-imagine the world, and how to color outside the lines. Perhaps I need to be reminded that indeed, it is okay to color outside the lines.

Somehow I think we all feel like the busyness of life is becoming too much. What we need most are not more resolutions, but more ways we can become un-burdened, un-ashamed, un-stressed, and un-afraid. So here are a few things I’m doing to push back from the pressure and make this year the year of un-resolutions.

1. Un-schedule yourself.

Take one thing off of your calendar each week. Find one chore, responsibility, errand, or meeting that you can remove from your schedule. Trust me, you’ll live even if the classroom cookies don’t get baked, if the house doesn’t get vacuumed, or the phone call doesn’t get returned right then.

We are all over-leveraged and over-scheduled. We are drowning in a sea of ‘musts.’ Pick something you can remove and begin to simplify and un-clutter your life.

2. Un-commit your children.

Find one activity, birthday party, or seasonal sport you can remove from your children’s schedule. Just say no. It’s easy, try it. Your kids won’t die. They won’t be rejected from Harvard.  

Your entire family will actually benefit from a simpler schedule that’s not so jam-packed. Everyone will experience less stress, less anxiety, and less depression.  Each family member can relax into a purposeful pace that allows them to define and nurture their natural talents as well as their highest priorities.

3. Un-attach technology.

Find pockets of time where you choose not to pick up your phone or tablet in order to mindlessly scroll through your favorite social media. Instead, breathe, and notice the scenery around you. Be mindful. Find peace in the silence.

When you feel the impulse to pick up your technology, simply make a choice not to. Notice how it feels. Create a sacred space where your heart and your mind can let go and recharge.

[clickToTweet tweet="Create a sacred space where your heart and your mind can let go and recharge. #peaceforalifetime" quote="Create a sacred space where your heart and your mind can let go and recharge."]

4. Un-plug the noise.

Have the family practice thirty minutes of silence every day. No television, no technology. Little ones can play quietly with toys or color. Older children can read, explore outdoors, or paint. Adults can enjoy a quiet moment with a cup of tea, find time to pray, take a walk, contemplate, or journal.

Everyone in the family benefits from being freed from their addiction to technology, music, and other external stimuli. Developing the ability to connect with ourselves, our environment, and our family members would not only strengthen communication and relationship skills, it would fundamentally enhance creativity and build core emotional resilience needed to successfully manage the pressures of day-to-day life.

5. Un-leash your faith.

Do something meaningful to engage your faith. Lean in. Surrender. Develop a relationship with God that you’ve been putting off or avoiding. Stop trying to live life being your own superhero. The truth is, you can’t.

Allow God to step in and rescue you. Let Him carry your heaviest burden and heal your deepest wound. Cultivate moments of joy and gratitude. Invest in love. Growing a deep connection with God will unleash a supernatural power and peace in every area of your life.

[clickToTweet tweet="Growing a deep connection with God will unleash a supernatural power and peace in every area of your life. " quote="Growing a deep connection with God will unleash a supernatural power and peace in every area of your life."]

What might happen if we all resisted the urge to grind out more resolutions this year and embraced a few of these “un-resolutions?” I believe we might just breathe better, live freer, and find more strength, more passion, and more hope than we could ever imagine.

Have you ever tried any of these “un-resolutions?” What kind of impact did it have on you or your family’s life? I’d love to hear!

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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How Ten Amazing Women Found Beauty From The Ashes (and how you can, too)

Have you ever experienced a broken place in your life? Ever walked through the loss of a relationship, physical or emotional abuse, depression, anxiety and felt your heart shatter into a thousand tiny little pieces before it burned into nothingness. 

I am so privileged to share my testimony with Certified Life Coach and Speaker, Ginny Priz, alongside nine other amazing ladies who have experienced some of life’s greatest challenges and who have experienced God breathing new life and new hope into the driest, deadest places as only He can.

There is hope. There is a future. There is beauty that can arise from the ashes!

I pray you click over and watch these women as they share their hearts and their stories.

Please share with your friends on social media. We never know who in our lives is desperate to hear a message of hope today!

Blessings and Merry Christmas!

Lisa

The One Thing We Need Most In Times Like These

I’ve been stressed lately. Really stressed. The air around me feels tense, the ground uneven, the future highly uncertain. Watching the news can send my blood pressure skyrocketing. I find myself seeking respite in Little House On The Prairie reruns just to take my mind off of everything that is swirling around me.

Because my inner wellbeing is a high priority for me, I can tell when something tips me off balance.   I don’t like this place. I don’t like the agitation, the irritability. I don’t like the anger that stews inside as I read through social media posts or supposed news articles. It makes me not “me.”

I think most of us feel this way at times. In different ways, for different reasons, we all can feel the hurt, the overwhelm, the despair that life can measure out with equal parts liberality and impunity. We have each at some point been backed into the corner of heartache and left wondering where we go to find healing? Where can we turn to find relief? Is there any hope that there is something to bind up what is so terribly broken between us as friends, neighbors, communities, and as a nation?

I don’t know. What I do know is that I cannot live in this kind of distress. I cannot live in this anxious unpeace, in the absence of my calm, present strength. This kind of muffled chaos takes too great a toll on my heart and keeps me from being who God created me to be, from fulfilling what God purposed in me. From my desperate need for peace.

So if I’m honest, whether it is in relationships, in business, in seasons of political tumult, I have found only one remedy to keep my sanity. One prescription that prevents the callouses from thickening around the edges of my heart and planting bitter seeds of rage deep in the bottom of my soul.

I pray.

I pray for the person who hurt me, who abandoned me in my time of need. I pray for the ones who offered shame in my distress and judgment in my brokenness. I pray for people who sometimes feel so foreign I can barely comprehend how we landed on this planet together. I pray for the angry who spew hatred everywhere. I pray for them. I call them by name.

For leaders I cannot understand and should not trust, for coworkers, for friends and enemies alike. I pray.

There is power that comes from the prayer of blessing.

I pray that they would have a life-altering, life-giving encounter with the cross of Jesus Christ, from whom ALL blessings flow. I pray that God Almighty would bless them beyond measure. I pray that He would cover them, anoint them, that He would multiply Heaven’s bounty in their lives. I pray for their children and their children’s children. That they would know they are loved. That they would know their worth, their value, that God would call them and use them for His purposes; that they would discover their unique calling and walk in it. I pray that they would be blessed and that God would fulfill His purposes for their lives. I pray that the heavens would open up, that their barns would be full and their hearts be rich. I pray that goodness, compassion, and kindness follow them in their work, their homes, and their lives.

How can this be, Lisa? you may ask. How can you pray blessing over someone who has abused you, grieved you, called you every name to mock and belittle you and your faith?

I pray, because it is in prayer, blessing in particular, that I am blessed. Prayer keeps the stain of resentment from searing itself to my heart. It is prayer that quells my disquieted and unsettled spirit. It is prayer that connects me to my friend, my spouse, my sibling, my neighbor and keeps us working together instead of prying us apart in disillusionment, hurt, and regret.

I pray because praying blessing connects me to myself and frees me to be “me.” Prayer allows me to live out my truest identity, my Belovedness. Praying blessing strengthens my soul spaces, multiplying my reservoir of compassion, of humility, of love. I pray because prayer releases me from any chains of offense, of hatred, or unforgiveness. Yes, unforgiveness.

[clickToTweet tweet="Prayer releases me from any chains of offense, of hatred, or unforgiveness. #prayer #healing" quote="Prayer releases me from any chains of offense, of hatred, or unforgiveness."]

More than anything, praying blessing connects me to my Abba, Father. It releases to Him all that straps me to this world of hurt and misunderstanding. Prayer surrenders all the things I cannot understand, much less control. It reminds me of what I hold dear, what not to lose sight of, and what just a little grace can do for a broken, sullied spirit.

In prayer I am set free.

[clickToTweet tweet="In prayer I am set free. #prayer #healing #freedom #faith" quote="In prayer I am set free."]

I wonder what might happen if we all, instead of posting our diatribes on Facebook in defense of a post we don’t like, prayed blessing over the person who posted? I wonder what our relationships could look like if we began praying blessing over our loved ones, even those with whom we may disagree? I wonder if somehow some of this bitter pill we’ve all been swallowing would ease a little and we could feel more like friends rather than foes. I’m tired of seeing others as foes. Are you?

Who do you need to pray blessing over today? Where are the stress points in your life and in your relationships? What obstacle stands in the way of prayer?

If you want to know more about prayer, my friend, Carolyn Dale Newell, has just written an exceptional devotional, “Incense Rising,” on the importance and impact of prayer. Carolyn is an amazing spirit, a talented writer, and a fellow journeyer. She has the gift of encouragement, and though she has completely lost her eyesight, she has never lost her faith.

I love this devotional because it not only teaches us about the various aspects and attitudes of prayer, it guides us through the practice of prayer and prepares us to do active, spiritual warfare on our knees. She writes about all the names of God, their history, and their meaning, so that we can begin using them to empower our prayer life. Throughout the book, she always leads us back to the Word as the source for our prayers.

No matter what situation you are in, no matter what struggle you face, “Incense Rising” will recharge an renew your prayer life and offer both substance and strength for you on your journey of faith.

[clickToTweet tweet="No matter what struggle you face, #IncenseRising will recharge an renew your prayer life! #prayer " quote="No matter what struggle you face, #IncenseRising will recharge an renew your prayer life! "]

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Let The Church Be The Church

An Open Letter To The Christian Community About Serving Those With Mental Illness

He came to live with us after a brief stay at a local psychiatric hospital. He needed a safe place to regroup and regain some semblance of stability. Over many months, his life had come haltingly unraveled and his hospital visit was the beginning of a new life with a new diagnosis.

His journey was a daunting one. The courage he displayed in facing his mental illness and finding his way back from the chaos to build a life of stability and hope was nothing short of inspirational. My heart aches to witness these beautiful, brave human beings fighting such a fierce and lonely battle.

Yet for many families dealing with mental illness within the Christian community, finding any kind of support or spiritual guidance can be challenging. Though I have been blessed to attend an incredibly strong and supportive church, according to Lifeway Research, most Protestant senior pastors (66 percent) seldom speak to their congregation about mental illness.

It is often common practice in churches to treat mental illness differently than other illnesses. Somehow we immediately assume there is something else, some deeper spiritual struggle causing the mental and emotional strain.

Maybe there is. But maybe there isn’t. We don’t automatically assume that someone with cancer is in sin or needs to be freed from a satanic attack. Why then do we label or minimize the legitimacy of mental illness?

LifeWay Research recently conducted a study on mental illness within the church and found that a third of Americans—and nearly half of evangelical, fundamentalist, or born-again Christians—believe prayer and Bible study alone can overcome serious mental illness. There are more than a few anecdotal stories from individuals in the church body who have been discouraged from taking psychotropic medications, some even being shamed for it, suggesting that seeking help for mental disorders represents spiritual weakness.

These teachings are disheartening because they prevent people from getting the help they desperately need. They also prevent the church from being what they were designed to be —the church.

Ed Stetzer noted, We can talk about diabetes and Aunt Mable’s lumbago in church—those are seen as medical conditions, but mental illness–that’s somehow seen as a lack of faith.

What the church needs to come to terms with and understand is that mental illness is not just a spiritual condition or weakness. These are real disorders with both biological and environmental causes. Those suffering shouldn’t be told to have more faith, to “get into the Word,” or to pray more. We would never say those kinds of things to those dealing with cancer, heart disease, or diabetes.

What those dealing with mental illness need most from the church is for us to be the hands and feet of Christ, ministering compassion, love and truth to a hurting world in need.

In Matthew 11:29 (NIV) Jesus says, Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Jesus tells us that He is gentle and humble in heart. If we are to be His hands and feet, perhaps Jesus intends that we the church become gentle and humble in dealing with the mentally ill. He doesn’t intend for those in the body to add a heavier burden, but for us to be a safe refuge where the wounded and weary among us can find compassion and grace to strengthen them on their journey.

The church is well equipped to meet the needs of people in every kind of crisis. We are the first to arrive on the front lines of any disaster or war and the last to leave communities rebuilding after a crisis. We are generous beyond measure in our giving to individuals, organizations, and causes that routinely serve those in need. We know how to use the power of prayer to unleash the forces of heaven over any illness, relationship crisis, wayward child, or financial distress. We know how to care for people.

What would happen to those suffering from depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, or a host of other mental disorders if the body of Christ were to simply do the things we already know how to do so well?

We don’t have to cure those struggling with mental health issues. We shouldn’t feel compelled to fix them. Yet we can surely pray for them. We can walk with them. We can offer a meal, a ride, a cup of coffee, or a listening ear to them. Maybe we could babysit for them while they are at their counseling appointments. We in the church body could even begin a conversation about mental health needs that have been hidden in the shadows for far too long.

Churches need to become places where people feel welcomed to talk about their mental health. God wants the body to care for the whole person. and our emotional/mental struggles are such a huge part of our individual and collective journeys. Let’s share our struggles instead pretending they don’t exist. Let’s rejoice in our victories and grieve our relapses instead of judging them or quietly walking away. More than anything, let’s do this journey together. Isn’t that what we all need – to live and love, to serve and save, to rescue and reclaim our hearts together?

God loves all of His children. He has a purpose for each and every one. We should never need those who struggle with mental disorders to get “right,” so they can be used by God. Perhaps God wants to use them right where they are to teach us about perseverance, about courage, about faith. We would do well to learn and to listen.

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

The Way Of Faith In a PC World

Lately I’ve been feeling a tug somewhere deep within me. Really, it’s more than a tug and I’ve been feeling it for a while now. 

It was subtle, almost imperceptible at first. Yet the pull between worshipping God or worshipping the god of political correctness has become more critical and demanding, bringing with it both conviction and consequences.

I have been a Christ follower since the age of thirteen. My faith has been my foundation and guiding force in life. It informs everything I do —every conversation, every choice, relationship, interaction. My faith has always taught me to be respectful, kind, compassionate…as Jesus was.

So when the media began encouraging us to watch our words, to be “non-offensive,” I eagerly obliged. No problem. The rhetoric appeared very much in line with my values as a Believer.

They called it “political correctness,” a term adopted in the late 1970’s by feminists and progressives, “ironically, as a guard against their own orthodoxy in social change efforts." Though it wasn’t used frequently until the latter part of the 20^th century, the term has come to communicate a stronger social disapproval in more recent years than it did in its infancy.

It seemed benign. Political correctness is defined in modern usage as, language, policies, or measures which are intended not to offend or disadvantage any particular group of people in society. That sounds great, right? Who wants to offend or disadvantage?

With this new term came a new set of speech codes researched by University of Pennsylvania professor Alan Charles Kors and lawyer Harvey A. Silverglate that, mandate a redefined notion of ‘freedom,’ based on the belief that the imposition of a moral agenda on a community is ‘justified’, a view which, requires less emphasis on individual rights and more on assuring ‘historically oppressed’ persons the means of achieving equal rights.

The Subtle Surrender

So little by little, like the slow drip of a faucet, we were instructed by political and/or cultural forces on the areas we, the general public, were disrespecting or “offending” an individual or group. Whether it was through the names we used to identify ethnicities or groups of people, or whether it was in the laws passed to protect disadvantaged groups, we quietly acquiesced. No sense in making a big fuss, we thought.

When the elimination of God in our schools, communities, or public squares began and the ACLU began filing lawsuits at every statue, monument, or prayer in order not to offend anyone, we became slightly uncomfortable. We consoled ourselves with the notion that our values and beliefs were the foundation of our country and would surely never be dismantled. Why fight back? That’s not the “Christian” way. God is in control anyway, we quietly repeated.

Inside, I felt the pull. The pull between my faith and this new faith, this new religion. Religion, according to Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary is defined as,  A personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices;
a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith.

Political correctness has become the religion of the 21^st century. Its system of attitudes and practices, worshipped with as much devotion as any traditional religion, has transformed the landscape of American culture and infiltrated every aspect of society.

Throughout the years what began as a program fostering respect has become anything but respectful. Somewhere along the way, encouragements have become commands, and the rhetoric every day appears less tolerant and inclusive, more demanding and punitive. The delineation between love and hate would seem crystallized around one’s agreement or disagreement with established, modern dogmas or theologies.

Don’t agree with their agenda? You will be immediately labeled and denounced. Want to live in a way that honors traditional values and beliefs? You might just lose your job, your business, and you may be targeted with ridicule and condemnation.

There is coming a day friends, perhaps it has already arrived, when we who identify as Believers will have to choose. We will no longer be able to straddle the fence, we won’t be able to find a comfortable spot in the warm shade of grey. For the grey areas of life are shrinking rapidly.

As I’ve contemplated the tug in my heart, the increasing and unrelenting pressure inside, I’ve recognized that it is shaking me out of any dull, comfortable slumber in which I had previously existed. It is forcing me to face myself, face my God, and define in the clearest, strongest fashion my ‘faith manifesto,’ —the who, the what, my life is going to stand and how I am going to engage all people in a way that is congruent with my beliefs and values, that is born from my deepest commitment to God.

The Way of Faith

So here it is - as perfectly imperfect, at times broken and unsteady as the journeyer writing this can be. Yet hopefully this will give clarity and wisdom to my steps and my words for the days that lie ahead.

1.I will passionately live out my faith. I will follow God alone. I will lay hold of and live out my beliefs and values not through the media, the persuasion of public opinion, or the fear of ridicule. I will define the principles by which I live through the Bible and the Holy Spirit, who is my Comforter, my Teacher, my Counselor, my Encourager, my Friend.

Scripture says, If you love me, keep my commands. Though I will be an imperfect warrior, a broken and flawed vessel, my heart is to seek Him, worship Him, and serve Him above all.

2.  I will offer love. In the clinical world we use a term called ‘unconditional positive regard.’ What that means is that whoever walks through my door, wherever their background, whatever their color, conviction, or creed, I will show unconditional positive regard. I will see their humanity just as mine and will humbly and gratefully walk with them along their journey. The word ‘love’ means, a warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion; and unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.

John 13:34 (NIV) says, A new commandment I give to you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

John 13:35 (NIV,) By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

[clickToTweet tweet="John 13:35 (NIV,) By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." quote="John 13:35 (NIV,) By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."]

3.  I will be a safe place. I don’t need everyone to agree with me. I am free to hold and live out my values and beliefs while being close to someone who may or may not be just like me. I don’t need others to validate my identity, spiritual or emotional. I don’t need others to make it ‘safe’ for me or my views, and still, as a consequence of my safety, I can offer safety to those with whom I am in relationship.

Scripture says, It is His lovingkindness that leads to repentance. In the counseling office, no one experiences transformation in a hostile, unsafe environment. It is the essence of safety that allows individuals to open themselves, their deepest wounds, and experience insight, light, and life.

4.  I will show respect. Respect is, an act of giving particular attention: consideration; high or special regard: esteem; the quality or state of being esteemed. Respect simply means I show others consideration, esteem, kindness. Respect is not offered as a reward for respect shown to me. I do my best to respect others because that is who I am. Christ-followers should be the model for transformed lives.

I Peter 2:17 encourages us to, Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor. The second commandment from Mark 12:31(NIV) says that we are to, love our neighbor as our self. Be with your neighbor. Don’t isolate from them. Consider them. Help them. Respect them. Love them.

5.  I will not judge the person. We were all created in the image of God. We are each wholly and divinely loved by God. Our worth was settled at our creation. In judging another’s character, value, or inherent worth, I judge and condemn my own. I will do my best to show honor and respect to others, whether I agree with them or not, whether they judge me or not.  

Matt 7:1-2 (NIV) tells us, Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

6. I will judge behaviors. We all judge behaviors. It seems that a convenient and powerful tool of the PC culture has been to quote Matthew 7:1 that we should, judge not lest we be judged. Unfortunately, many who don’t fully understand Scripture remain silenced and/or sidelined by that passage. Scripture is clear that we should not judge (condemn the worth, value, or character of) another individual. And Scripture is equally clear that we as Believers should judge (discern, declare, assess) that which is right or wrong, that we are to distinguish between that which is righteous and congruent with the Word of God, and that which is in error or rebellion to God.

YES, we are to judge – the behavior, not the person. I will never call sin un-sin. I will never, whether mine or another’s, applaud the willful rejection of that which is true, noble, and of good report. I will never call wrong right. I cannot.

John 7:24 (ESV) offers, Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.

Colossians 1:9(NIV) shares, For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives.

Amos 5:14-15 tells us to, Seek good, and not evil, that ye may live: and so the LORD, the God of hosts, shall be with you, as ye have spoken. Hate the evil, and love the good, and establish judgment in the gate: it may be that the LORD God of hosts will be gracious unto the remnant of Joseph.

2 Timothy 4:2 (NIV) states that we should, Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction.

Ephesians 4:15 (NIV) offers, Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

Worshipping the god of political correctness is dangerous precisely because there is no concrete declaration of what their mission looks like in its entirety or when it will be accomplished. It is ever-evolving, always changing. PC will simply demand a little more, and a little more, until there are no moral absolutes, no sin, no aberrant, no abnormal, where there is no need for God, no need for redemption, no need for a Savior.

Matthew 6:24a (NIV) says, No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.

Whom will you choose to worship? When it comes down to it, will you choose to worship Yahweh or the god of this age.

Hebrews 13:8 (NIV) says, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. His truth doesn’t bend or pretend based on popularity or fame. It doesn’t cater to, nor does it sanctify tickling rhetoric or political agendas just to be en vogue. God is love, yet He is at the same time holy, righteous, and just. He is beautiful and unequalled. He has made a way for each of us to escape the consequence of our broken, sinful nature —His name is Jesus. He died for you and me. He can heal the deepest heartaches and mend our broken, wayward ways. He is good and yes, He is God.

[clickToTweet tweet="Hebrews 13:8 (NIV) says, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. " quote="Hebrews 13:8 (NIV) says, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. "]

The Good News

We have a choice and an opportunity. The good news is that the more polarized society becomes, there is less room for a casual faith, less space for half-hearted sentiment or generic tradition. The good news is that anytime, any place we can claim our faith and begin to pursue a passionate journey with God.

[clickToTweet tweet="The good news is that we can claim our faith and begin to pursue a passionate journey with God." quote="The good news is that anytime, any place we can claim our faith and begin to pursue a passionate journey with God."]

Emotionally-abundant individuals know their spiritual and emotional identity and choose to live congruent with their beliefs and values. This gives strength, it provides meaning, it amplifies purpose. A “pick-and-choose faith” has no foundation and is destined for weakness and/or collapse.

As the tug between worshiping God or the god of political correctness becomes more uncomfortable and untenable, we have the opportunity to get off the sidelines of our faith. We can live out passionately a strong faith that embodies truth and love, is wrapped in compassion, respect, and kindness. True faith never advocates hatred- period.

Pastor Rick Warren beautifully summarizes this truth as he states,

Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.

Have you felt the tug? How is God challenging you to a stronger faith?

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

---

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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Are You Stuck In A Waiting Season?

Are you stuck in the "in-between?"  Do you feel lost at times knowing what step to take and where to go?    

We've all been there.  It doesn't make it any easier.  The waiting can be unbearable, interminable.  What do you do?  Here a few things NOT to do when you are living "in the meantime."  Read more here---

Have a great week!

Blessings,

Lisa

Why Haters Need Better Boundaries

The election season is underway. If you live in the States, you’ve seen the ads, the debates, all analyzed by political pundits of every persuasion. Perhaps like me, you’ve seen heated arguments taking place on Facebook and wonder how people think it is permissible to share their perspectives in such an offensive and degrading way? 

These seasons seems to bring out the worst in us as human beings.

Over the months as I have waded through so much “spin” and political “talking points,” there is one focus that stands out, perhaps because of the psychotherapist in me. I am trained to view everything through the lens of emotional and spiritual health.

Though I may or may not agree with their political viewpoints, I can tolerate many different perspectives. Yet when I began to hear politicians and news media infer that the difference between the two political parties is “love” vs. “hate,” that anyone who believes in the rule of law is a racist or a hater, uncompassionate and cruel, that begins to raise my dander a bit.

The argument seems to be, if you want to be compassionate or show love to someone, you are allowed no boundaries. Likewise the logic follows that if you have any boundaries, you are mean-spirited and hate-filled. Nothing could be further from the truth, not just from a religious perspective, but from a psychological and emotional perspective as well.

A few months ago I wrote an article about the dangers of enabling others and how we can maximize peace in all of our relationships. You can read the article here.  

One of the most fundamental building blocks in relationships is boundaries.

Our world was designed with boundaries. Every cell in your body has a cell wall that differentiates and protects the cell, allowing that cell to serve its role as part of the whole. Every organ in your body has a physical boundary that allows them to perform their vital function working together to keep the body working properly. If our bodies had no physical or cellular boundaries, they would be a chaotic mess that would not conducive for maintaining life.

Boundaries don’t equate with hate.

Boundaries are not bad. They are good. Boundaries help define where we end and others begin. They help identify what is our responsibility and what is another’s responsibility. They give clarity, purpose, and wisdom.

I even have a chapter in by new book, Peace For A Lifetime, devoted to boundaries. You can learn more about my book here.

I want to challenge you that the very essence of emotional health or “differentiation” as we call it, is the ability to hold onto ourselves, our viewpoints, our identity, our beliefs and values, while being close to those who may or may not be just like us.

Boundaries free me from forcing another to abandon themselves to me;  they also free me from being forced to abandon myself to them in a relationship.

Tom Whitehead, a therapist and researcher offered, “A well-functioning boundary system leads to a healthy, fulfilling life. But dysfunctional boundaries leave us vulnerable and disorganized, incapable of coping with life’s simple problems.”

Families have boundaries, companies have boundaries, nations should and do have boundaries. Our nation’s boundaries are called laws. Laws are a necessary part of every civilization and prevent the country from descending into chaos and anarchy. Laws are written and enforced to protect its citizens and ensure safety within the country’s borders.

And yes, Jesus had boundaries. He knew when it was purposeful to minister and when it was not. He knew when He needed to withdraw to spend time alone with the Father. He was unafraid to call out religious leaders or prostitutes about their sin. Jesus was not a hater. He spoke the truth in love. He didn’t bend the truth for love.

[clickToTweet tweet="Jesus was not a hater. He spoke the truth in love. He didn’t bend the truth for love." quote="Jesus was not a hater. He spoke the truth in love. He didn’t bend the truth for love."]

Love without boundaries is chaos. Boundaries without love is abuse.

[clickToTweet tweet="Love without boundaries is chaos. Boundaries without love is abuse." quote="Love without boundaries is chaos. Boundaries without love is abuse."]

Where Two Roads Meet

It is critical to understand that it is possible and I would say, necessary, for us as individuals and as a nation learn to do both —to hold our boundaries with compassion and love. This is the place where two roads meet. This is the perfect example of Jesus. This is not hate-filled, racist, or anything other than Emotional Abundance. In fact, the better-equipped we are at drawing healthy boundaries, the greater our capacity to show love and compassion to others.

Are you able to discipline your children with both compassion and consequences?

Are you able to love family members, even though you disagree with them?

Is it difficult for you to show respect and kindness while drawing boundaries in order to protect or keep your family safe?

Do you find it hard to listen to another person’s perspective without becoming enraged and losing yourself in the argument?

Do you shy away from speaking your perspective for the sake of keeping the peace?

Find one person this week with whom you can listen, engage, and respect even though they may have differing opinions, thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. Begin to recognize moments where you begin to escalate. Why are you escalating? Would it be possible to calm yourself and keep yourself safe right in that moment?

I believe strongly that healing for our country will come only when we stop talking AT one another, berating and demonizing one another, and begin sitting WITH one another. This allows us to nurture a greater amount of respect for those with whom we disagree.

[clickToTweet tweet="Healing will come only when we stop talking AT one another and begin sitting WITH one another. " quote="Healing will come only when we stop talking AT one another and begin sitting WITH one another. "]

It really comes down to us.

Will you make your goal this political season to refrain from name-calling, belittling, and demonizing others and instead try to learn a little about their story and why they believe the way they do?

Agree to disagree in love. Hold your beliefs and values with compassion for others.

In the end, our nation will be the one who wins. Our neighborhoods will win.  In the end, maybe it's all of us who will win.  Will you join me?

If you haven't joined our community on Facebook, I would LOVE to have you be a part of our little online family!

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

---

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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Eight Qualities of People with Emotional Abundance

Ever wonder why some people seem to excel at whatever they do while others can never seem to get a break? It seems some people always have a knack of fitting-in, knowing just the right thing to say, getting every promotion and accolade as their careers skyrocket. Yet for others life feels more like a continuous rollercoaster of dysfunction and chaos, with roadblocks at every turn.

Why do so many of us feel like our lives have landed somewhere between a dead-end and a disaster? Why does success in life seem to come easily for some, while for others  always feels decidedly out of reach?

The reason is based in our intelligence, but not our intellectual intelligence, or IQ. That’s what Daniel Goleman, Ph.D., well-known writer and researcher on leadership who wrote the best-seller Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, says. Goleman has dedicated his work to finding out what makes people successful.

His research has concluded that success in life comes down to their emotional intelligence or what I call ‘Emotional Abundance.’ That’s what drives a person to excel. In fact, 80% of a person’s success in life is determined by their emotional skills while 20% is determined by their intellect.

As Goleman describes, If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.

So if Emotional Abundance is so important, exactly what is it? As I define in my new book, Peace For A Lifetime, Emotional Abundance is:

The ability to feel our emotions, to reason through our emotions, to understand our emotions, and to effectively manage our emotions so we can appropriately respond to the people and circumstances around us. EA is the capacity to meet the demands of everyday life and create meaning in order to move forward in a positive direction.

I’ve found eight qualities in Emotionally-Abundant people that are essential not just for our careers, but for being able to successfully navigate through life and relationships.

They’re more self-aware.

Individuals with Emotional Abundance are able to accurately self-reflect. They know their personality, their core strengths and weaknesses, as well as environments that will bring out the best in them. They don’t allow their weaknesses to hold them back. Rather than beating themselves up for what they don’t know or struggle to do well, they focus on creating strategies to improve skill sets so they can achieve their goals.

They live with balance.

Because they have a high level of self-awareness, they instinctively know how to cultivate and maintain balance in their lives. Whether at work or in their personal lives, they understand how to take care of themselves well in order to be the best they can be in every area of life. They eat well, get plenty of rest, and foster interests outside of work to establish and enjoy a greater sense of wellbeing.

They’re not perfectionists.

While Emotionally-Abundant individuals are highly motivated and accomplished, they recognize that perfection is impossible. Instead of creating an impossible cycle of unrealistic expectations followed by frustration and shame, they focus their energies on doing their best, maintaining flexibility, and learning from their mistakes.

They’re curious about life.

They’ve learned to cultivate an appreciation for varied and unique experiences. They are curious and passionate, knowing how to explore and learn new concepts and skills. Their curiosity makes them equally open to asking questions as well as to adapting to new solutions. Curious people are delightful people who haven’t lost their innate sense of wonder in a complex world of responsibilities.

They’re empathetic with others.

An essential quality of EA, individuals are well-skilled in their ability to relate to others. They can listen, understand, and be empathetic with others thoughts, feelings, and experiences, which allows them to reduce miscommunication and conflict both in the workplace and in personal relationships.

They’re growth-oriented.

They aren’t afraid of change. Because they are open to learning new things, they embrace growth as a necessary and important part of life. They are eager to accept challenges and usually adapt well even under difficult circumstances. In seeing the bigger picture, they can mobilize internal strategies to adjust and energize around new problems and circumstances.

They’re grateful.

Living with gratitude has an enormous impact on our level of Emotional Abundance. People who have a grateful disposition look for things big and small for which they can be thankful. They are generally satisfied with life and rarely allow negative feedback or people to influence their lives or their decisions.

They bring out the best in others.

Because they are at peace with themselves, people with EA are able to see coworkers and friends not as threats, but as assets. They do not feel the need to be defensive with others, but instead create a safe environment in which others can thrive. They love to see others reach their potential and are motivated by cooperation rather than competition.

How many of these qualities are you able to identify? Do some seem to come naturally while others seem overwhelming?

The best news about Emotional Abundance is that it can be cultivated and nurtured throughout our lives. Where we are today does not have to determine our future.

The more we grow Emotional Abundance in our lives, the more stable, positive, and productive our lives become, and the less chaotic, reactive, and hopeless our relationships feel. This is the single greatest area we could invest in for ourselves, our children, and our futures so that we can achieve our best life.

If you haven't joined our community on Facebook, I would LOVE to have you be a part of our little online family!

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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The Journey To Becoming His Beloved

I'm so blessed to be sharing today at

(in)courage.me !

I was always an anxious kid. I cried at my first piano recital and begged not to play. I finally relented and played anyway. I was permanently attached to my mom’s leg whether we were at church, at school, or even the grocery store.

There was no end to what I was afraid of. I was afraid of the monsters in the closet, afraid of my teachers, afraid of the popular kids in school. I was afraid of myself, of being rejected, of being ridiculed, of not being enough. And as I realized much later, I was also afraid of God... 

I'd love to have you stop by and read more of my story. If you are encouraged, I'd love for you to share!

Read More

Sign up here to receive free daily encouragement from the writers of (in)courage, sent right to your inbox!  

Blessings, friends!

Lisa

Four Key Elements To Discovering Your Purpose

And how to make the days ahead the most meaningful ever 

Delores had always been a vibrant, passionate woman. She had been active in her church, taught Bible studies for more years than she could remember, and routinely invested herself in the lives of the women she taught.

Sitting with her, her eyes welled up with tears. She seemed lost.

Ever since she retired and relocated to be near her children, she hadn’t been able to find a church community in which to invest herself. Every church already had their programs, their teachers. Her children and their families were busy with their lives and she struggled to nurture the kind of relationships she had always dreamed of with her grandchildren.

Her husband was now passed and this woman who had lived with such strength, passion, and purpose, now struggled to make sense of her life. She ached to have a place to plant herself. Her spirit was parched for soil in which she would thrive. Lonely, she began to sink into depression. Was this it?, she wondered. Was there a purpose at all to her life? 

Katie is in her late 20’s. Though she has a job, she longs to find her purpose in life – God’s unique calling to which she can dedicate her life. She searches to find her purpose every day in her career and her relationships, yet ends up feeling more confused and farther from her pursuit than ever.

Without a compass to give stability, direction, and meaning, she remains locked in a cycle of emptiness and wandering. Some days life feels overwhelming, almost unbearable.

Most of us can recall similar feelings at some point in our lives—the emptiness, the yearning, the confusion, the lacking, and the depression. They all merge together, and they always seem to present themselves in the dimmest moments of twilight.

We all need purpose. 

Viktor Frankl, an Austrian existential psychologist, created a school of thought called logotherapy. Frankl believed that our dominant driving force is to find meaning in life.

In the 1940s, Frankl was held prisoner in Nazi concentration camps. He felt the horror of losing everything only to be tortured and terrorized. With all the agony and brutality, what kept Frankl from giving up his relentless fight for his life?

Purpose. He was able to find meaning in his struggle, and that’s what gave him the power to push forward through unimaginable pain.

After escaping the concentration camps, Frankl published a book called Man’s Search for Meaning, which explores his experiences and includes an overview of logotherapy. A quote by Nietzsche nicely sums up his philosophy on how people were able to survive the camps, without losing the will to live:

He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.

[clickToTweet tweet="'He who has a 'why' to live for can bear almost any 'how'.' Viktor Frankl" quote="'He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.' Viktor Frankl"]

That is the power of purpose. We can find meaning and purpose in our relationships, we can find it in our values and beliefs. We can find purpose in our relationship with God, and we can explore our God-given passions to cultivate potential purposes for our lives.

In my book, Peace For A Lifetime, I explore three things that must align for you to discover your purpose: identity, beliefs and values, and passions. However, there’s one vital piece to the purpose puzzle that’s missing.

God’s purpose will always be connected with giving, not getting.

We tend to look for something external that will provide direction or purpose, that will fill the void inside. It’s counter-intuitive, but our search for purpose will emerge from what we are giving of ourselves to others.

Viktor Frankl describes,

Don’t aim at success. The more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself.

Do you want to be loved? Love someone. Would you like more joy in your life? Give joy to people. Sounds so simple, right? The more we learn to serve others, the more fulfilled and satisfied we become.

[clickToTweet tweet="Do you want to be loved? Love someone. Would you like more joy in your life? Give joy to people." quote="Do you want to be loved? Love someone. Would you like more joy in your life? Give joy to people."]

God’s purpose will always align with how He has made us.

As we define our identity (our core strengths and weaknesses) and our most deeply held beliefs and values, our curiosities used in service to others will explode into a relentless passion that emerges into a vibrant dynamic purpose.

1. Know your identity – write down a list of strengths and weaknesses.
2. Define your beliefs and values – write down your beliefs about life, faith, relationships, work.
3. Explore your passions – write down a list of things that interest you or make you curious.
4. How can you use the above three to serve a cause, a person, a community, or an organization other than yourself?

Once you identify these things, you will have a map to begin discovering your purpose. It may not include fame, it may not have a giant salary attached to it; it may be different than you had ever dreamed. Yet finding and engaging the purpose for which you were created will provide the greatest meaning and satisfaction you can imagine.

Do you enjoy talking with people? Where can you begin volunteering to talk or read with people who perhaps are lonely and would love a good conversation?

Do you enjoy cooking? How can you identify individuals, families, or organizations within your community for whom you can begin cooking meals?

Are you gifted at teaching, writing, organizing, helping? There is no right or wrong. Get creative and try out several things.

Your purpose today may look different than it did twenty years ago. God is always growing us to develop new passions and purposes for every season of our lives.

Explore the things you love today and begin to look for ways you can use your gift to bless someone. In the end, you will be giving yourself the biggest blessing of all. You will be living your life on purpose with purpose.

How have you struggled to find your purpose in life? What is God showing you about Himself and about you along your journey? 

I’d love to hear!

If you haven't joined our community on Facebook, I would LOVE to have you be a part of our little online family!

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

---

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

---

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When You're Stranded On The Side Of The Road With No Help In Sight

It was an earlier night than usual.  Thankful to be leaving the office ahead of schedule, I began to pull down the driveway and head for home.  I still had a few minutes before the sun set.  It was a warm, yet lovely evening.

I hadn't driven more than a few feet when I realized something was wrong.  Instinctively I stopped, got out, and began to walk around my SUV.  When I rounded the back corner I noticed it - a flat tire.

It wasn't just a little low on air, it was completely flat. 

Weird, I thought.  I just drove back from lunch a few hours ago and everything was fine. Now what?

I reached for my phone and dialed.  As soon as my husband answered and learned of my distress, he was on his way.  When he arrived, he immediately shined his lights on my car so he could see to change the flat tire.

He began to assemble his tools and went to work as the light around us quickly dimmed.  He not only changed the tire, he gently walked me step by step through the process, teaching me how to change one, if I were ever in a situation where I needed to.

As the sun finally slid beneath the horizon and the beautiful countryside went dark, we finished up, put on the spare tire, and headed home.  He followed me the entire drive home through the winding country roads with their steep embankments.  The light from his car was never far behind.  What care and protection I felt in that moment.

The next day as I thought through the events of the night before, I suddenly realized, Isn't that the way God is with me?  Isn't He always ready to rescue me in my mess, in my need, in my despair?

The moment I call, He doesn't put me on hold, He doesn't ignore my plea.  He is always present, always available, always ready to meet me wherever I am, whatever my need.

2 Chronicles 16:9 (NKJV) reminds me that, The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him.

He is ever-present for any of His children.  He loves us.  He waits for opportunities to care for us in the needful moments of our lives, to show Himself strong on our behalf.  There is something so comforting and reassuring about resting in someone's strength.  About exhaling our weakness and surrendering the weight of our world to someone utterly powerful, and willful, someone muscular, safe, and strong.  He is strong.

I love that whenever He comes, He not only comes with strength, He also shines His light brightly wherever He goes, whether He shines it on my circumstances, whether He shines it on my path, or into my heart.  His light is ever-present to reveal my pain, to heal my dulled, deep wounds, and to remove my darkest shame. 

John 1:5 (NIV) reminds me that, The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

[clickToTweet tweet="John 1:5 (NIV) reminds me that, The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. " quote="John 1:5 (NIV) reminds me that, The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. "]

Isaiah 58:8 (NIV) adds, Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.

His light shines into each moment as He guides me, teaches me, grows me up to be more and more like Him.  He never leaves me stranded.  He never leaves me helpless and unsure.  He graciously and lovingly instructs me so that I can be prepared for whatever purpose He is calling me.

I love the end of Isaiah 58:8, when He says, the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.  Just like my husband following behind me down those dark and winding roads, God, too will always be shining His light, His glory, His protection from behind. 

If you feel today that God has lost sight of you, that He's left you stranded and alone, He is waiting.  He is present with you.  He sees you in your distress.  He stands there waiting for you.  You can pick up the phone and call.  He ran to my rescue, He will run to your rescue, too.  He will bind up what is broken and heal what seems wounded to the core.

[clickToTweet tweet="He will bind up what is broken and heal what seems wounded to the core." quote="He will bind up what is broken and heal what seems wounded to the core."]

Have you called out to Him?  Perhaps today is the day you ask Him to come save you from your sin, your pain, your hopelessness.  Perhaps there is a struggle so dark and heavy, you feel like it just might swallow you whole. 

Here's one thing I know - even when you're stranded on the side of the road and it feels like there's no hope in sight, your healing is just a simple call away.

How has God rescued you in your distress?  How has He shined His light and followed you out of a dark place?  I'd love to hear!

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

---

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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What To Do When Bad Things Happen and We’re Rocked To The Core

We’ve all experienced tragedies beyond our control that seemingly come from nowhere. They devastate us, they rock us to the core, they leave us feeling too overwhelmed and disoriented to muster the courage to get up and face this big, chaotic world for another day. Sometimes it seems it would be easier just to stay in bed and pull the covers up high so we can pretend that nothing at all has happened. Perhaps this was just a bad dream after all.

It seems the magnitude and frequency of tragedies in society today challenges our deepest emotional and spiritual fortitude. Are we safe? we wonder. Will it ever end? How do we make sense of all this anguish and terror? What do we do to keep moving forward?

These questions reverberate in our souls. We can ignore them, we can push them into the shadowy corners of our minds, but when another tragedy happens, when another life is senselessly lost, they reappear and force us to face this harsh reality once again.

Whether it is a national tragedy, whether it is a tragedy in our communities or in our homes, the reality is that bad things will happen. They are an inevitable part of life this side of heaven. I’ve found four things we can do when we are faced with tragedy so we can move forward productively in our lives, no matter the circumstance.

Recognize the need to feel your emotions.

Though we may not have been directly affected, sometimes we experience significant emotions in response to tragedies around us. We are tempted to run, to distract ourselves, to minimize the importance of what we are feeling. We dismiss. Sometimes we shame. Sometimes all we feel is the numbness of the shock.

Because Ecclesiastes 3:4 (NIV) tells us that , There is a time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance, we know that it is important to allow ourselves to connect with and feel our emotions. We cannot heal if we cannot feel. It is a requirement for us to deal with all of the tragedies in life, to grieve them, and be able to move forward from them so we can rebuild our lives as well as our sense of direction and purpose. We must grieve each and every loss. We need to grieve.

[clickToTweet tweet="We must grieve each and every loss. We need to grieve." quote="We must grieve each and every loss. We need to grieve."]

Learn to talk ourselves off of the ledge.

Extreme thoughts bounce around in the confines of our minds. They are relentless. They tell us that we are next, that there is nowhere safe, that this would have never happened if…. These thoughts are normal in the context of our grieving, yet it is vital to recognize our deepest heart-fears and learn to talk ourselves through them to a better place.

2 Corinthians 10:5b says that, we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. Not every thought that flows through our minds is true, not every thought is rational, good, or balanced. We must learn how to balance our thoughts, how to soothe our fears. We must become practiced at maintaining a hopeful, truthful dialogue with ourselves. Doing so will prepare us to live life to its fullest and be as grounded as possible for whatever challenges will come.

Choose to cultivate meaning and purpose in our lives.

Viktor Frankl once described how Holocaust survivors were able to endure their horrific suffering because they were able to find meaning and purpose for their lives and their suffering. Their faith gave them a greater foundation for deeper understanding and human compassion.

We can never prevent evil men from committing evil acts. In the midst of our sorrow, we can choose to allow these situations to transform our faith and take us into deeper communion with God. We can glean every measure of meaning possible from these horrific, violent experiences and honor the beautiful lives lost with the gift of remembering them, their stories, their accomplishments and their humanity. We can bind ourselves together and corporately purge the evil residue of hatred and sorrow to create a greater vision and purpose. 

Release to God what we cannot control.

Tragedies serve as a reminder that so much in life is beyond our control. As advanced as our technologies have become, as sophisticated as modern systems of reasoning and understanding have brought us, in the end, there is nothing that can entirely protect us or prevent future tragedies from happening.

We will drive ourselves to despair trying to control that which is helplessly out of our control. Part of being able to move past our grief and rebuild our lives lies in releasing to God the things we cannot clutch, force, or mend. The more we are able to exhale and surrender our fear, the more we will be able to heal what has been torn into a thousand pieces and begin to reclaim our future the best way we know how. Surrender allows us to move further towards acceptance as we gather together the pieces of sorrow and joy, and begin to once again take steps forward towards life. Life will come again. Though it will never look quite the same, in time life will come.

[clickToTweet tweet="Life will come again. Though it will never look quite the same, in time life will come." quote="Life will come again. Though it will never look quite the same, in time life will come."]

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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When You’re Ready To Run, But God’s Called You To Rest

Lately I feel like I’ve been running at full speed for, well it seems like forever, and I just hit a brick wall. 

Do you ever have those times? Times when you’ve finished a project or season God called you to, and just in the moment when you are ready to dive headlong into the next mission, when you can feel the adrenaline pumping full-force through your veins, He calls you to rest.

Rest in those moments feels nothing like rest. It feels like it felt as a child when I was relegated to my room for an interminable period of quiet, as a time-out from everything I was really wanting to do. Forced seclusion.

What does a body do with four walls and a mind that won’t stop thinking, looking for the next need, the next mission as if the world will come unhinged if something gets overlooked or worse yet, undone?

So here’s where I am. I have to admit my soul is stirring, there’s a lot of heart work to do out there. My calling, my passion is to walk with people on their journeys. I can see the heartache. I can feel the overwhelmed, anxious helplessness as if it is stirring through my veins. And yet the word I hear God whispering today is…rest.

Rest? How can I rest when there is so much to be done?

And then I heard Him whisper to my heart,

Rest, because I need you to rest. To find rest. To find Me. To just be with Me. You are right, my child, there’s a whole big world out there that’s desperate for more than you can give. It’s okay. I see them, too. I haven’t forgotten. I haven’t overlooked.

Trust that I am big enough to notice all of the discouragement, to see every soul who despairs. I see the broken, the exhausted, the battle-weary, the cynical, the eyes filled with anger for all of the injustice. I see the oceans full of disappointed dreams and calloused, dulled hopes. I see you.

Trust that in your rest I am nurturing something new. Your rest is required. Your rest is the next step on your journey. Not a place of punishment, not a time-out, but a carefully designed respite with Me, to simply be with you and enjoy you. To celebrate, to laugh. To share stories in the twilight and notice the sunset together. I see you.

Trust that you are enough. Just as you are. You are significant because I formed you in your mother’s womb. You are cherished because I planned you long before the foundation of the universe. You are beautiful and yes, worthy. You are more than a daughter, more than a wife, more than a friend, a worker, a hope-giver, or a dreamer. You are My Beloved. I see you.

[clickToTweet tweet="You are more than a daughter, more than a wife, more than a friend, a hope-giver, or a dreamer. You are My Beloved. " quote="You are more than a daughter, more than a wife, more than a friend, a worker, a hope-giver, or a dreamer. You are My Beloved. I see you."]

So wherever you are today, whatever season of silence you are wading through, whatever hopes and dreams hang in the balance… rest. Trust that God notices you on your knees crying out to Him in the sleepless nights. Trust that He’s well-acquainted with your most tender, swollen wounds. Trust that He sees you right where you are, just as you are. You are precious to Him. He wants to give you new life, new hope, new peace. More than anything else, He wants to give you…Himself.

[clickToTweet tweet="He wants to give you new life, new hope, new peace. More than anything else, He wants to give you…Himself." quote="He wants to give you new life, new hope, new peace. More than anything else, He wants to give you…Himself."]

I can’t think of anything else I need more today.

How is God calling you to Himself today? What is one thing you can do today to find rest?

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

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About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

---

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Six Myths About Being a Good Mom

And the truths that can empower our parenting 

The pressure is real. The ads say it, social media screams it. Moms have to be perfect. We need to have it all figured out — how to be playful and fun, structured and planned, how to know what every cough, sneeze, cry, or whimper means.

Ideally, we’d be a little Dr. Phil, a whole lot Martha Stewart. We’d be as smart as Megyn Kelly, cook like Rachel Ray and have Ellen’s sense of humor. Everywhere moms today struggle against the many pressures that gnaw at us, that control us, that tell us we are not enough and that we better try harder, stay up longer, and make it happen.

Psychologist Diane Sanford, PhD, health expert for the American Psychological Association noted in an article for Today Parenting, “Women tend to compare and measure themselves against unrealistic images and then feel they fall short.” Somewhere along the way we have created an ideal and largely unrealistic vision of what motherhood entails, good motherhood that is. We’ve created a myth. We’ve believed a lie. And the lies are controlling us, exhausting us, and destroying us.

Here are a few myths about being a mom we need to recognize and the truths we need to set us free to begin celebrating our role as a mom and enjoying our children in these precious years.

Myth #1. We must do everything for our kids if we are going to be a good mom.

We race around deliriously believing that the sign of our exhaustion is proof of how we measure up as a mom. We will carry ourselves to Target at 10pm, bake cookies into the wee hours of the night, never miss a practice, a rehearsal, or skate party, as if our lives depended on it. We feel guilty if every minute of our day isn’t completely devoted in thought or action to our beloved little ones.

The truth is our kids don’t need us to do everything for them. In fact, they actually benefit from learning to do more for themselves. Good moms recognize their sense of self-worth must come from something other than their identity as a mom. They are able to care for themselves well. They are at peace with the fact they can’t do everything and simply focus on enjoying the activities and tasks they can do.

Myth #2. If we can be the perfect parent, we can raise perfect children.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent and there is no such thing as perfect children. The truth is no matter how hard you try, you are going to impact your children in ways you don’t necessarily want or intend. Though this has never been any different, modern motherhood has made the pursuit of perfection or near perfection a consuming goal.

The thinking is if we are perfect for our children, we can guarantee their future, and at the same time counteract the wounds from our childhood. We are all on our own journeys. It’s not your job to be perfect, nor will striving for this goal benefit your children. It is your job to be you, to heal your wounds, to live your life in the most fulfilling way possible. This version of you is what your children need most. God has to be the God of our children, not us.

Myth #3. We must give our kids everything if we are to be a good mom.

In reality, “more” is making moms and their children miserable. Between activities, possessions and commitments, we’re being suffocated by the very things we hope will enrich us, fill us, or give us the momentary happiness for which we long.

The truth is, we’re all driven towards abundance, but what we’re looking for today is the wrong kind of abundance. External things were never meant to fill us, or give us the satisfaction we desire. Until we learn to look to God and ourselves for our inner abundance, we will continue to accumulate indiscriminately. Instead, give your kids yourself. Spend time with them instead of buying them. Teach them to dream, to love God, to enjoy the people in their lives, to serve others, and to find meaning in the present moment. These are the most precious gifts we can give our children.

Myth #4. Asking for help is a sign of weakness. 

We live with the internal motto that we can do everything. We don’t like to ask for help. We fear that asking would mean we were weak, perhaps incompetent. We tell ourselves, Everyone else seems to manage everything alone, I should, too.

The truth is, though more virtually connected than ever, mothers have never been so isolated in the rearing of children. We aren’t meant to raise children alone. We can ask for help from our friends, our neighbors, our family members. We can seek wisdom from other moms who have walked the road before. We can even reach out to professionals to help when our best efforts are running short and we don’t know where to turn.

Myth #5. We should be enjoying every moment.

Somehow we wake up every morning believing that every breakfast, every diaper change, every minute of our time with our children should be both enjoyable and meaningful. If it isn’t, we must be doing something wrong.

The truth is, parenting is a wonderful, beautiful, miraculous experience unlike any other on earth. But not every moment is going to be wonderful, beautiful, or exciting. It just isn’t. It’s not supposed to be. Life is about finding meaning in the mundane, about living thoughtfully and authentically each moment and trusting that this is enough. Mothering is a sacred calling, though every experience is not intended to be. Free yourself to be present in whatever moment you are in and trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. It is enough. You are enough. God is enough.

[clickToTweet tweet="Free yourself to be present in whatever moment you are in and trust that it is enough. You are enough. God is enough." quote="Free yourself to be present in whatever moment you are in and trust that it is enough. You are enough. God is enough."]

Myth #6. If we parent right, our kids will love us.

Perhaps…when they are 25 years old. Most kids will be kids. They will love us, they will hate us, they will feel many things about us throughout their young lives. Our children were never placed on this earth to complete us, love us, or make us feel good about ourselves. That is not their responsibility. If we are parenting only to receive their affection or approval, we will not be effective parents.

[clickToTweet tweet="Our children were never placed on this earth to complete us, love us, or make us feel good about ourselves." quote="Our children were never placed on this earth to complete us, love us, or make us feel good about ourselves."]

The truth is if you are parenting effectively you will get a mixture of emotional responses from your children. Your parenting decisions should never be based on your emotional needs. The best parenting decisions are made in the context of what your children need to learn, how they need to grow, and what will provide the best tools for them have the healthiest, most meaningful lives as adults.

We need to stop living on the treadmill of comparison, insecurity, disappointment, and guilt. God gave your children you to be their mom, because they needed you, with all your flaws, all your insecurities, all your quirks and hang-ups. Be the best “you” you can be. Pray for wisdom in each decision. Trust your intuition in each situation. Leave the rest to God. He is in control anyway.

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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How Technology Could Be Hurting Your Wellbeing

Tips for maximizing technology while minimizing the pain - literally!

In the months leading up to the launch of my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I was doing more writing and computer work than normal. The process of platform building and marketing can be both demanding and time-consuming.

Several weeks ago I started noticing my shoulder aching. My entire left arm began to tingle through my elbow all the way down to my fingers.

I didn’t think much of it. I am not ill often. I simply kept pressing on in spite of the pain. Unfortunately it didn’t get any better. In fact, it only grew worse finally sending me to the chiropractor.

After initial x-rays and examination, I was told that my neck, which should be curved, is actually straight. Three discs in my neck were mostly immobile. Not a good diagnosis, as the chiropractor described.

What I didn’t know is that throughout our entire lives, our body uses these curves as shock absorbers. The curves help us to balance and move. When viewed from the side, the body should have three distinct curves – one in the neck, one in the mid back and one in the lower back.

The curve in the neck is considered the most important, and has been referred to as the arc of life. This is a term coined by a neurosurgeon due to the importance of the cervical curve and the structure it protects – your nervous system.

It turns out that my blogging and social media habits have placed my neck in a downward position, which has contributed to my considerable neck pain. I am not alone. “It is an epidemic or, at least, it’s very common,” Hansraj, chief of spine surgery at New York Spine Surgery and Rehabilitation Medicine, told The Washington Post. “Just look around you, everyone has their heads down.”

Research has shown multiple severe health-issues related to the loss of the cervical curvature. Multiple studies have shown that a loss of this curve reduces lung capacity by up to 30%; decreased lung capacity has been linked to COPD, heart disease and cancer.  

Abnormal posture can cause organ disease, muscle tension, increased sensitivity to pain and weakened immune system. Loss of cervical curve can also result in loss of balance, dizziness, overall poor health, headaches, pain, numbness, weaknesses and decreased quality of life.  It can also inhibit the release of endorphins, which can have a negative impact on our moods and sense of happiness and wellbeing.  

Scientists suggest the major factor in the rise of “text-neck,” as they have named it, is the enormous increase in technology usage throughout the day. Smartphone users spend an average of two to four hours per day hunched over, reading e-mails, sending texts or checking social media sites. That’s 700 to 1,400 hours per year people are putting stress on their spines, according to the research.

According to The Wireless Association, texting statistics have increased astronomically.  In June 2006 in the USA, there were 12.5 billion texts sent monthly.  By June 2011, that number grew to 196.9 billion.  Clearly, this problem isn’t going anywhere. Who knew?

Since our physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing are so intricately connected, it is vital that we are aware of and care for our physical health. If you use your computer often or are on your electronic devices, here are some practical tips to avoid “text-neck” and help keep your wellbeing in tip-top shape.

• Get the app - Florida chiropractor, Dr. Dean Fishman actually created a “Text Neck” app for the Android, which offers “immediate real time feedback” about whether your standing in the correct posture, indicated by a green or red light. There’s also an optional vibration or beep reminder, when you lapse into bad habits. Best of all, according to the doctor, it actually tracks and scores your slouching/standing patterns.

• Raise the phone - Move your cell phone (and other devices) to eye level so your head doesn’t have to be tilted.

• Take frequent breaks - Spend some time away from the phone—or any type of head-forward posture. Remember to change positions when texting—lying on one's back is an excellent way to relieve pressure on the neck.

• Stand up straight - Good posture, with the shoulders pulled back, keeps the body aligned in a neutral position.

• Arch and stretch - Arch the neck and upper back backward periodically to ease muscle pain.

• Stay fit - A strong, flexible back and neck are better able to handle extra stress.

We are only given one body. I know we will all increasingly use technology as a means of connecting with and engaging the world around us. Yet if we can become aware of and implement a few things to help our bodies, we will in fact be helping our souls. We will be building a strong physical foundation that will empower us to live abundantly —physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

We can all cultivate more balance in our lives, which is essential if we are going to achieve our goals or experience the abundant life we desire. Physical wellbeing is one piece of the puzzle that will help you on your journey towards peace.

[clickToTweet tweet="Physical wellbeing is one piece of the puzzle that will help you on your journey towards peace." quote="Physical wellbeing is one piece of the puzzle that will help you on your journey towards peace."]

References:

• Lee S, Kang H, Shin G. Head flexion angle while using a smartphone. Ergonomics. 2015;58(2):220-226.

       •  Hansraj KK. Assessment of Stresses in the Cervical Spine Caused by Posture and Position of the Head.                Surgical Technology International. 2014;11(25):277-9.

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

Lisa is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. Her online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, Lisa is just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. She has fallen passionately in love with the journey and believes it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While she grew up in the Florida sunshine, she and her husband now live just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In her new book, Peace for a Lifetime, Lisa Murray shares the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Lisa discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through Lisa and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Join our community on Facebook: Lisa Murray!

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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What To Do When You Are Waiting For Your Miracle

 Last week we watched as our oldest crossed the stage to receive his diploma from college. For our family, this moment was so much more than just a rite of passage, an academic accomplishment. For us, this was a moment of redemption.

It had been six years since we had seen him. That was certainly not our desire, but things happen along the way of life where the enemy gets a foothold of untruth. Where relationships are destroyed. Where there is no say, no control. Where all hope is lost, it seems. Lost, at least for a season.

But then God…

Breathes life into the deadest, driest places…

Binds and heals the deepest wounds…

Builds anew what seems permanently destroyed…

Blesses things that once felt cursed…

That’s just what He did in our lives and in our family. No, it didn’t happen overnight. Nor did it come tied in a pretty package with a pretty ribbon. Yet it still happened. It is still happening.

The more I get to know Jesus, the more I realize that is exactly what He is all about. He takes the ugliest of situations, the most beaten down of hearts and He buys them back. He’s not afraid of dirty, smelly situations. He seems quite at home with the impossible. He reaches down with His all-encompassing love and He claims them back from the clutches of the enemy.

That’s the love He has for you and me. Nothing is beyond His grasp. Nothing is beneath His watchful eye. Nothing is bigger than His grace and love to heal, redeem, restore. Nothing.

The Purpose of Waiting

We all have places in our lives where we have lost hope. Situations that are helplessly out of our control to manage, to fix, to do anything but watch as the world crumbles around us. We wonder if this relationship, this circumstance is too broken, too diseased, to ever be put back together again.

There is something purposeful about these seasons. We will either use these seasons wisely to prepare our hearts for God’s redemption, or we will remain stuck in our pain. It is easy to grow comfortable with our wounds. Tempting to ruminate in our resentment and resist letting go of our rights. Yet we can never heal as long as we’re holding onto hurt. We must choose.

[clickToTweet tweet="We can never heal as long as we’re holding onto hurt." quote="We can never heal as long as we’re holding onto hurt."]

Like the ten virgins (Matthew 25) who didn’t know when their Bridegroom was coming, we cannot foresee, nor can we foreknow when God will redeem our situation. We can’t. Our choice is whether we, like some of the virgins, are lazy with our healing and are caught off guard when the moment of redemption comes, or we will be prepared in our waiting so we can enjoy the wedding feast when that day arrives.

Waiting is never a passive posture. Waiting is an active decision to focus our energies on healing so we can be prepared for whatever lies ahead. It means we choose to release our pain and our plan to God. It means we simply learn to bring ourselves to the Healer to sit with Him while we are healed.

[clickToTweet tweet="Waiting means we release our pain and our plan to God." quote="Waiting means we release our pain and our plan to God."]

Somewhere in the yielding we recognize our utter helplessness and allow ourselves to grieve. Perhaps that is the purpose of waiting – to prepare our hearts to grieve, to heal, to grow, to make us ready for the moment everything comes full circle, for the arrival of His redemption.

In these last six years, I am not the same person. Had I not surrendered to the healing process, I would not have been ready for this miracle, this gift that stands before me today. I would still be carrying the bitterness of old wounds that had festered for years. I would be hardened and closed to see the miracle of redemption at work around me.

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share more about my story as well as offer ways we all can allow God to heal us, in whatever situation we face. We don’t have to stay stuck in our pain, we don’t have to allow resentment and bitterness to grow like a cancer in the depths of our hearts. We can do our part to prepare ourselves for the Bridegroom to come.

Click Here to learn more about Peace for a Lifetime!

Have you seen God at work in your impossible situations? Is your redemption still somewhere in the hidden years? What do you need to heal today in your heart?

Do not shut yourself off from healing. Do not close the door of your heart to hope. There is so much that you can do to prepare yourself for the day when God redeems that situation, that broken relationship with a loved one, that long-forgotten dream.

Tend to your healing. Grieve. Pray. Invest yourself in what relationships and ministries God is calling you to. Don’t delay. His redemption is coming.

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My hope is to provide a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I now live just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN with my husband and Shih-tzu, Sophie.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I have discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

I’d love to connect on Facebook: Lisa Murray, author

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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Four Ways We Need To Change Our Perspective On Our Problems 

Have you ever felt slimed by an email? I mean, have you ever gotten an email that oozes with shame, judgment, and anger – all ‘in the name of Jesus?’ Ever felt the sting of someone else’s defenses because you wouldn’t tell them what they wanted to hear, abandon your boundaries, or share in their drama?

It began with an email I received from an acquaintance who had gotten caught up in a series of poor choices, followed by some fairly unpleasant consequences. They were angry that I wouldn’t let them off the hook. They expected me to give in. They demanded I show them grace.

Didn’t they know the difficult road I have walked to conquer my fears, heal my wounds, and develop the ability to even have a boundary, much less enforce one?

I do understand. We all at some point want, perhaps even expect someone else to let us off the hook from honoring our word or our responsibilities. I have been there. Even this week as I realized how over-scheduled I was, I wanted to bail on something, anything, that would give me a little more downtime, a little more breathing room. I recognized that I had not done a good job at drawing boundaries and I was left to pay the price. I was over-leveraged and severely under-nurtured. I wanted to be let out of honoring my word.  I wanted someone else to solve my problem.

We grow myopic in our perspective, we believe our situation is ‘special,’ and we are all left battered and bruised by the disappointed expectations we have from just about everyone in our lives. When is our word our word? When do we shine Christ by allowing those in our world to see that we honor our commitments, we follow-through, we are trustworthy?

We honor our commitments, even when it is difficult, expensive, or inconvenient. Michael Hyatt

Our faith and our character grow as we look to God to rescue us in our mess, not look to others to rescue us from our mess. God does allow others to be a part of our healing story, yet God should be at the center of our healing story. Grace is never demanded, only freely given, when God prompts.

[clickToTweet tweet="We should look to God to #rescue us in our mess, not look to others to rescue us from our mess." quote="We should look to God to rescue us in our mess, not look to others to rescue us from our mess."]

[clickToTweet tweet="Others can be a part of our #healing story, yet #God should be at the center of our healing story. " quote="Others can be a part of our healing story, yet God should be at the center of our healing story. "]

Instead we think to ourselves…

Surely, she’ll understand…

But my situation is different…

If she was more Christ-like, she would…

These are lies, all lies we tell ourselves to keep us believing that we are the victims and that other people are ruthless tyrants, holding us back or keeping us down. In truth, we are not victims, as I’ve come to recognize on my own broken, uneven journey.

No one is responsible for our poor choices but us. No one is evil or selfish for maintaining their boundaries. Really.

We are destroying the power of our testimony at the hands of our selfishness. We are clamoring, scurrying, demanding our agenda be served, our need be honored, and in the process we’re losing our strength, our relationships, and our witness. Scripture describes this in both the Old and New Testaments, powerfully saying,

If a man vows a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. Numbers 30:2, ESV

But whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him. 1 John 2:5, ESV

What you gain from not honoring your word in the short-term is miniscule compared with what you will lose in your character and reputation. A house divided against itself cannot stand.   When we lose sight of the larger picture, the incongruity of our words and actions will destroy our foundation as well as any kingdom work we might undertake. Here are some other options we can all consider whenever we feel backed into a corner:

Look within to find the answers to our problems.

We need to memorize the words in Psalm 46:1 that say, God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Someone else cannot be the answer to our problems. Only God can be our refuge, our covering, our strength. Only He can hold us and sustain us, giving us understanding, wisdom and direction in the midst of our circumstances. We diminish God’s power and our own resilience when we depend solely on external means to resolve our problems. God has a miracle for you. It just might not come in the form you expect or perhaps demand.

Spend more energy in learning from our mistakes rather than trying to get out of them.

Sometimes we make choices born of emotion, impulsive reactions, honest means. When these choices bring untimely or unfortunate consequences, God allows the consequences as a natural expression of His love. He often uses the circumstances in our lives to teach us, to impart wisdom, and to mature us for our future steps in life.  He has called each of us for a purpose. He needs to grow us and prepare us for whatever lies ahead.  The only tragic mistake is the wasted mistake.

[clickToTweet tweet="The only tragic mistake is the wasted mistake. #PeaceforaLifetime" quote="The only tragic mistake is the wasted mistake."]

Look outside of our perspective to see someone else’s perspective.

Because someone is not able to give us what we want doesn’t mean they are wrong, unloving, or un-Christlike. There is another side, another perspective. We all are naturally attuned to our unique viewpoint, yet we limit our growth when we fail to acknowledge or understand another person’s perspective or boundaries. Look beyond your thoughts, feelings, wants and needs, to show respect and consideration for the thoughts, feelings, wants and needs of someone else.

Show respect for other’s boundaries.

Yes, other people have boundaries, too. Boundaries are not just meant to keep us safe, they are meant to help others take care of themselves as well. Being a Christian does not mean being a doormat. Being a Christian means that we listen to the Holy Spirit inside of us and learn to honor His leading.   It means we learn to develop and enforce healthy boundaries for ourselves in order to more wisely and powerfully invest ourselves in the work to which God has called us. It means we are sensitive to knowing the situations where He wants us to participate, as well as situations where He has not called us to participate.

In my new book Peace For A Lifetime, I share more about the skills we need to cultivate a life of abundance and peace. Life doesn’t simply happen to us. We can develop new ways of living, not just for ourselves, but for the future of our children and our families.

If you’d like to learn more about the book, click here.

As we do these things – look within, learn from our mistakes, see another point of view, and show respect for other’s boundaries – we will be shining a great light of God’s glory, His love, His power from the testimony of His provision and handiwork in our lives. We will be living as the body was intended to live. We will be bearing much fruit. We will be living lives of abundance. We will experience indestructible peace.

Have you ever felt the sting of someone else’s defenses? Ever been battered because of your boundaries?

I’d love to hear your comments.

---

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My hope is to provide a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I now live just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN with my husband and Shih-tzu, Sophie.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I have discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

I’d love to connect on Facebook: Lisa Murray, author

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Blessings, 

Lisa

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Eight Must-Have Tips To Foster Resilience In Your Kids

Growing up, my mother always told me that life wasn’t fair. Aside from the truth that Jesus loves me, this may have been one of her greatest gifts to me. 

It seems that so much energy is wasted trying to make every aspect of every moment “fair” for our children that we never teach them how to become resilient human beings, to develop an internal reservoir of strength and determination that will enable them to overcome the inevitable obstacles that life will bring.

Resilience is a quality that helps us not only manage stress in our lives, but motivates and energizes us toward achieving our goals and living our dreams. The APA defines resilience as, “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress.” It is the ability to "bounce back" from difficult experiences.

Giving our children the belief that life “should” be fair only cripples them from focusing on their strengths or their goals, and leaves them feeling helpless to achieve their hopes and dreams in life. What’s more, it prevents them from ever growing a sense of self that comes from accomplishing difficult tasks and replaces an excitement about the future with an anxious uncertainty about the next step ahead. No wonder our children don’t want to leave home!

We can change the course for our children’s lives and our own lives. We can foster resilience in all areas of life. We first have to let go of needing life to be fair.

There are eight ways we can begin instilling resilience in our children.

1. Teach them to nurture themselves. Developing the practice of nurturing ourselves can keep our mind and body not only calm, but prepare us to deal with whatever situations come our way. We can teach our children how to have quiet “me-time” without earbuds or technology, so they can learn to care for themselves well, learn to connect with their emotions, and sort through their day.

2. Encourage them to cultivate a positive view of themselves. This does not mean false praise, nor does it mean telling lies. We know the difference and our children know the difference. Developing confidence in our ability to solve problems and trusting our instincts helps build resilience. We can encourage our children in their ability to overcome, to solve problems and to figure things out without rushing to the rescue to figure out their problems for them.

3. Help them learn to keep things in perspective. Even when facing challenges or painful situations, trying to view them within the broader context of our life and our faith can help avoid blowing the event out of proportion and help keep our focus on what we can control.  Allowing our children see the big picture is significant. When every problem seems catastrophic, life begins to feel overwhelming and outside of their control. Eventually, they simply give up.

4. Show them how to maintain a hopeful outlook. Having hope can change everything in life. Hope enables us to believe that good things will happen in our lives, to believe that God is at work, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. We can instill a hopeful outlook in our children by encouraging them to look beyond the immediate circumstances to discover the potential meaning or purpose in them. Though we cannot force their faith, we can help them nurture, not just a religious set of traditions and rules, but a deep and meaningful relationship that will give them strength and resilience in the most trying of times.

5. Model for them the importance of building relationships. Relationships with close family members, friends or others are important. While we all need alone-time, we were intentionally created for connection. Do not isolate. Accepting help and support from those who care about you and will listen to you strengthens resilience. Encourage your children to get involved in your church, school, and community. Learning to serve others develops their ability to see outside of themselves and nurtures empathy and compassion for others.

6. Help them accept that change is a part of living. Certain goals may not always be attainable as a result of adverse situations. We all have limitations. We all have roadblocks, fair or not. Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed can help your children focus on steps they can alter. Focusing on fairness saps the energy that may be more effective in looking for flexible alternatives.

7. Empower them to move toward their goals. When life seems unfair and we feel stuck, that is a great time to identify small steps we can take towards a goal and move forward. When faced with challenges it can be easy to detach and wish them away. Instead, we can encourage our children to understand that taking steps, even small ones will build forward momentum toward achieving their goals.

8. Nurture a mind-set of self-discovery. We often learn something about ourselves as a result of our struggles. Those who have endured great hardship often discover a greater sense of strength and vulnerability, an increased sense of self-worth, as well as a more dynamic faith and heightened appreciation for life.

[clickToTweet tweet="Letting go of the fairness trap allows us to grow a resilient, indomitable spirit within our kids." quote="Letting go of the fairness trap allows us to grow a resilient, indomitable spirit within our kids."]

In my new book Peace For A Lifetime, I share more about the skills we need to cultivate a life of abundance and peace. Life doesn’t simply happen to us. We can develop new ways of living, not just for ourselves, but for the future of our children and our families.

If you’d like to learn more about the book, click here.

We don’t need life to be fair for our children. What we need is for our children to be strong enough and resilient enough to face whatever challenges come their way and be able to move forward productively, in building the life of their dreams.

How have you fallen into the fairness trap? Are there tips you've found to foster resilience in your kids?  I’d love to hear your comments.

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My hope is to provide a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I now live just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN with my husband and Shih-tzu, Sophie.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I have discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

I’d love to connect on Facebook: Lisa Murray, author

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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When You Feel Like God Has Forgotten The Desires Of Your Heart

Sometimes maybe dreams don’t come true. 

I held tightly to Psalm 37:4b (NIV) that He will give you the desires of your heart. I had memorized that verse as a little girl and recited it faithfully as I dreamed of what my life would be.

Month after month I prayed, I waited. To be honest I spent much of my time begging and pleading with God. The dream of having a child was not an easy one to get past. Strollers, babies, blankets, loom around every corner. They are usually joyful experiences, witnessing the miracle of new life. Yet these were not joyful experiences for me. Each was a reminder of the dream. The vacancy in my heart that had never been filled.

How do I fill this? I wondered. How do you get past this most primal, basic human drive, a dream that you have carried with you since you were a little girl?

I didn’t know. I endured, carrying this pain with me wherever I went. Some moments were filled with a deep and wearying sorrow. Some moments, anger. There were people who didn’t understand. How could you feel the loss of something you never had? they questioned.

But I could. I did.

I could never get past God’s words to me. I believed Him when He said that He would give me the desires of my heart.

I didn’t know how. I didn’t know when.

I understood Sarah’s laughter at God’s promise to her (Genesis 18) as she could feel her body aging, as she faced the window of time slowly closing in around her. I laughed, too.

In time I relented to the grief I had for so long held at bay. I gave in to the waves of pain that engulfed me. Silently, loudly, deeply, desperately – I grieved.

In the midst of my grief I somehow wondered if God’s words were true. I questioned whether He saw me right in the midst of my brokenness. Whether He had a miracle for me, like He did for Sarah.

As I healed, I began to discover that God’s miracles were all around me. His provision had been there all along. I began see my stepchildren as God’s gift for me to love, to invest myself. I saw my nephews and nieces as His blessing of little miracles and joys in my life. As a professional therapist, I see each and every client I have the honor to work with as my children. I love them. I delight in them. I get to pour out God’s love to them and walk with them as they build their lives, as they heal, as they grow.

My healing grew as God cemented in me my identity as His beloved. As He showed me my value and worth. My healing birthed in me new passions and purposes. My healing allowed me to discover and build a life full of hope, full of wholeness, full of abundance. Above all, full of peace.

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I not only share bits of my journey toward peace, but I also share other individual’s stories of how to cultivate a life of healing and wholeness in whatever circumstances life brings.

If you have ever experienced the loss of a dream, God has not forgotten or abandoned you. He loves you. He is with you right in the middle of your circumstances. He has a miracle for you. He had one for me.

[clickToTweet tweet="He loves you. He is with you right in the middle of your circumstances. He has a miracle for you!" quote="He loves you. He is with you right in the middle of your circumstances. He has a miracle for you. "]

No, God didn’t give me a baby. Yet He has been faithful. He has fulfilled every desire of my heart. He will fulfill the desires of your heart, too.

I have many children. My heart is full. Abundant.

Whatever you dream is, with God dreams really do come true!

What are the desires of your heart that have not yet been fulfilled?  Leave your comment below.  I'd love to hear your journey!

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My desire is to provide a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I now live just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN with my husband and 16yr old Shih-tzu, Sophie.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com

I'd love to have you join the Peace for a Lifetime community on Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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Three Ways To Maximize Peace In Your Relationships

How to stop enabling and start loving well 

A friend posted a quote on Facebook the other day. It said, We must not confuse the command to love with the disease to please. @lysaterkerust

How true, I thought instantly.

We struggle to know how to love, when to love, where to love. We grapple to acknowledge when our love isn’t loving, when it is nothing short of enabling.

We all have those relationships. We each have people in our lives who somehow expand their level of taking while never getting around to giving, who always seem to be in a crisis, and who never want to listen to advice.

The cajole us. They blame us. They manipulate us interminably because we are afraid to say no— afraid of the anger, afraid of the disappointment, perhaps we’re afraid of the punishment to come and most certainly, we’re afraid of being rejected.

We desperately want things to be different. We had so many hopes and dreams for what our lives with family and friends would look like. We never envisioned this.

Enabling has become such a catchphrase in our culture. Though in a positive sense enabling can be used to denote empowerment, in a negative sense, according to Wikepedia:

“Enabling can describe dysfunctional behavior approaches that are intended to help resolve a specific problem but in fact may perpetuate or exacerbate the problem. A common theme of enabling in this latter sense is that third parties take responsibility or blame, or make accommodations for a person's harmful conduct (often with the best of intentions, or from fear or insecurity which inhibits action). The practical effect is that the person himself or herself does not have to do so, and is shielded from awareness of the harm it may do, and the need or pressure to change. Enabling in this sense is a major environmental cause of addiction.”

We have become a nation of enablers. As parents, we stand between our children and the consequences of their actions because we feel it defines our love as better, or stronger, for our children. We believe that rescuing is helping. Desperately needing to feel loved ourselves, and having placed our children on the altar of our emotional needs, we are immobilized from saying or doing anything that might threaten their love for us.

As friends and family, we try to be helpful, loving. We always tell ourselves, this will be the last time, knowing full well somewhere in the back quarter of our minds that it won’t be. We tell ourselves, that’s what good parents do for their children, that’s what friends do for each other, that’s what being a good Christian means.

We need them to love us because many of us do not know how to love ourselves. We use their love as a surrogate love that was never meant to fill the hole inside of us, the place where God’s love and our love was meant to fill.

What do we do? How do we determine where we end and another begins? How do we begin to forge healthy boundaries so that we can actually love others, without enabling them?

Assess whether your efforts to help have helped.

Have your acts of love led to any real, consistent behavioral change? Is this the fifth time your child has totaled the family car? Has the money you’ve given a loved one really gotten them out of a crisis and put them back up on the road toward health and stability? Have you ever been repaid?

If what we want is behavioral change, if we want our friends and our children to make better choices, are they? If not, chances are that your love and your help have not been loving or helpful.

The first step towards behavioral change is sincerely owning responsibility for one’s life and having a heart change. Owning responsibility never blames, never rationalizes, and is not angry. Owning responsibility is simply that. It is heartfelt and is followed by repentance. Repentance is defined as, turning from sin and dedicating oneself to the amendment of one's life; to feel regret or contrition; to change one’s mind.

You can always tell when there is heart change. Heart change is always followed by behavioral change. Apologies, rationalizations, blame, threats rarely lead to life change.

Determine what boundaries are needed for you to stop enabling your loved ones.

Do you need to stop rescuing your children? Do you need to stop giving money, room and board, or transportation when it only seems to perpetuate the insanity, and continue the dysfunctional cycle? Do our loved ones need to face the consequences of their choices? Do our friends and family members need to find the answers to their problems themselves instead of looking to you to be the answer to their problems?

What do you need to do or better yet, stop doing, to lovingly allow your loved ones to come face to face with themselves and God in order to determine the path they will pursue on their journeys. Love them. Give them the gift of facing the results of their choices, their hearts, their lives, and having the opportunity to build a life that’s radically different.

Learn the most loving word, “No.”

Whatever emotions surface inside of you as a result of saying “no” are your responsibility. Don’t place them on someone else. Lean in. Listen.

If you’ve never learned how to love yourself and continue the enabling in an effort to find and feel love, even for a fleeting and perhaps, destructive moment, you can begin today. Learn how to experience God’s love for you. Learn how to give the gift of love to yourself. You are beloved. You are worthy. You are enough. It is never someone else’s job to give that to you. It is your job. Open yourself to the love that is waiting for you.

When your friend or loved one asks something of you that you know you should not do, calmly, respectfully say “no.” Free them. Free yourself. Focus on the things you can do. You can pray. Perhaps you can offer suggestions, if they are requested. Freedom allows everyone to determine how they want to engage their lives, how they want to move forward with clarity into their future.

Just because someone has a problem doesn’t mean that it is your problem. Love sees the long-term game and is willing to sacrifice short-term pay-offs to ensure the potential of future success.

• Assess whether your efforts to help have helped.
• Determine what boundaries are needed to stop enabling your loved ones.
• Learn to use the most loving word, “No.”

You will find freedom in your heart and mind. You will find abundance in your relationships. You will find peace.

My new book Peace for a Lifetime speaks to the heart of relationships and teaches us how we can build Emotional Abundance into our lives so our relationships can flourish. If your relationships seem filled with heartache, chaos, and disappointment, if you are lost wondering what to do next, this book will outline simple, practical ways you can cultivate healthy, stable relationships that will maximize the peace in your life.

To order your copy, click here!

What is the relationship that is hardest for you to draw healthy boundaries? Leave your comment below. I’d love us to learn and grow with each other.

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