ASK LISA - How Do I Stop The Cycle of Anger?

Ask Lisa is an advice post for people who write in to me, asking questions about a specific problem or situation.  Although this is in no way a substitute for therapy, my hope and prayer is that it gives encouragement and direction for whatever you face.

If you have a specific question you would like answered, write in.  I’d be glad to tackle it together!

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Dear Lisa,

I know you write about emotions, but I have to be honest that it is something I still struggle with. My mother never showed any emotion —except anger— and no matter how hard I try, I find myself lashing out in anger with my children.  I always promised myself that I would never be like her, yet I am helpless to stop.  

My childhood was filled with abuse, addiction, and neglect.  I can’t think of anything happy or warm about it.  The more chaos I saw as I child, the more I shut down.  I hid behind a veneer of nothingness.  I never let myself feel anything.  That’s how I survived.  Though inside I could sense that things around me weren’t normal, it was the only life I knew.  In my teens, I went to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain inside.  To allow myself to feel would have been too overwhelming for me.

Having been in recovery for three years, I am learning for the first time how to feel.  It is the single hardest thing I have ever done. Sometimes it seems easier to go back, to once again run from and mask the feelings of pain.  But I can’t.  I am committed to myself —the child in me who was wounded so long ago.  I am committed to her healing, learning to love her so that I can learn to love my children and parent them well.  My question is this—how do I stop the cycle of anger? Why am I unable to respond in a healthy way to my children?  I want freedom.

Sincerely,

Angry in Arkansas

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Dear Angry,

Thank you so much for your authenticity in sharing the realities not only of your childhood, but your recovery and anger issues.  It takes so much courage to be able to let down our defenses and acknowledge the truth of our situation. First of all, let me say that my heart breaks to hear of your childhood.  No child should ever experience the pain that you felt when you were so young.  Part of your healing journey is to grieve for that little girl, to let her know she is seen, to mourn with her for what she endured for so long.  I encourage you, as part of your recovery, if you haven’t done so, find a grief recovery group or therapist to walk with you during that process.  I imagine part of your anger is associated with grief, as anger is one of the five stages of grief (shock, depression, anger, bargaining, and acceptance), and is needful for you to experience in a healthy way.

As I hear you recount how you survived childhood by shutting down, I would ascertain that you never learned to feel or deal with your emotions and learned instead to stuff them and/or numb them.  Dear friend, you will never find full healing until you can a) give yourself permission to feel and, b) learn how to calm yourself IN your emotions so that you can talk yourself through them more productively.  As children, we learn our primary responses to emotions through watching and mimicking our parents (or primary caregivers).  You are simply repeating how you saw your mother deal with her emotions.  

You can choose to cultivate a different relationship with your emotions.  You can step beyond and discover ALL of your emotions —how to feel them, name them, calm them, and talk yourself through them. CLICK TO TWEET  I do encourage as well that you find a good therapist who can guide you along the way, so that you can experience the internal calm and confidence that comes from knowing how to regulate our emotions effectively.

For many, anger puts us into “fight-or-flight” mode where we become reactive vs. responsive to a situation. In those moments, allow yourself to walk away. Do not parent in anger. Calm down, think through how you want to respond to your child, what appropriate consequences need to be enacted. Breathe. Outside the moments of anger make the commitment to no hitting, no swearing, no name-calling, no screaming. If you need to scream, go to your room and scream into a pillow.

Lastly, I do encourage you that you are probably doing better than you think. You have been committed to recovery and that is such a courageous step to take for yourself and your family. All parents fail, we all lose it with our kids.  We do.  Don’t shame yourself.  The enemy would love nothing more than to see you spiral in your shame back into addiction. Remember that you are on your journey. Shame steals while compassion heals. CLICK TO TWEET

God loves you.  He has a plan for your life.  He is healing, and teaching, and growing you to become the woman He designed from the beginning.  Hold onto that.  Don’t let go. You are the Beloved.  You are His child.  You are becoming.  I believe you will learn how to manage your anger, I believe you will learn more and more who you are in Christ, as a woman, a wife, and a mom.  I believe that God has future for you —Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG) says, I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

Keep going.  Don’t stop now.  The work you do now can change the legacy for your entire family!

Blessings, 

Lisa

**The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. 

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FREE GIFTS!!

If you struggle to feel, name, or work through your emotions effectively, I’ve created several powerful resources, including my Emotions Chart, Emotional Intelligence Toolkit to help you grow in your emotional wellbeing and equip you to walk well in your life and relationships. They are FREE (along with my ENTIRE resource library) when you subscribe to my weekly newsletter and will empower and equip you to discover the spiritual, emotional, and relational healing and wellbeing you’ve always desired!

Claim your gifts now!

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Ask Lisa—What Do I do With A Daughter Who Is Out Of Control?

“Ask Lisa” is an advice post for people who write in asking questions about a specific problem or situation.  Although it is in no way a substitute for therapy, my hope and prayer is that it gives encouragement and direction for whatever you may be facing today.

If you have a specific question you would like answered, write in!

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Dear Lisa,

I am writing you because I don’t know what to do.  My daughter Emily is 23 years old.  She has been working in our family business since she graduated high school.  She is disruptive to our business as she is often late, is disrespectful to everyone, and has a poor work ethic.  I brought her on because I wanted to train her from the ground up in the hopes of her taking over the business one day.  I’ve removed her from projects, disciplined her, talked to her privately, but to no avail.  Everything seems to be spiraling and it is affecting my other staff.

To make matter worse, she has had a history of anxiety and depression.  Currently, I fear she isn’t taking her meds or going to her therapy appointments. All she seems intestered in is partying with friends, which can't be helping matters. What do I do? I love my daughter but I can’t continue going on like this.

Sleepless Mom in Seattle

Dear Mom,

Such a challenging situation for any parent!  We love our kids and want to do everything we can to make their lives as stable and successful as possible.  Yet as our kids grow into adults, we can no longer control them or corral them to ensure their safety.  We can’t. We can love our kids, pray over them, and encourage them.  But when they won’t listen, sometimes the only thing we can do is draw healthy boundaries for ourselves that hopefully bring them face to face with the reality of their life and situation, boundaries that allow God to intervene, changing and transforming them in ways we never thought possible.

I can tell you love your daughter and are concerned not only for her future career and financial stability, but also for her mental health issues.  I would encourage you to consider setting up a time to meet with her privately.  Detail specifics of her job performance.  Express your desire to have her continue working with your company, but set clear expectations for what would have to change in order for her to do so, including a timeline for meeting each expectation.  If there have not been any consequences thus far for her behavior, you could define specific consequences for each infraction (ie. Sent home and docked a day’s pay if late, etc.), but there has to be a willingness on her part to change.  If she doesn’t see a problem and doesn’t seem inclined to change, the best course of action might be to let her go.

If you are not sure exactly what healthy boundaries look like or how to implement them, I encourage you to get my book,Peace For A Lifetime, which will help you understand and create healthy boundaries for all of your relationships.

Allowing her to experience the real world with real bosses to whom she's not related might be the best life-teacher.  Doing everything for them rarely grows anything in them.

Many parents have adult children with mental health issues, which I know can make the situation more complex. However, somewhere along the way, adults, even if they are your children, have to learn to assume responsibility for the own mental/emotional wellbeing.  As a parent, you could agree to pay for psychiatric visits, meds, and/or therapy as long as they are willing to consistently show up for appointments.  Beyond that, in most situations, there is little a parent can do to make sure their adult child (especially if they are not living with you) is taking their meds or doing their part to maintain their mental/emotional stability.  

Your focus has to be on taking care of yourself and your business appropriately.  You need to make sure you have someone to talk with, a strong support system at church, as well as good self-care.  Pray over what your boundaries need to be, set a date to communicate your boundaries, and be prepared to follow through with them.

I’ll be praying for you!

Lisa

**The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional in a clinical setting. 

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Four Ways Parents Can Minimize Stress While Maximizing Kids' Wellbeing

  Exams have passed.Graduations have been celebrated.Summer’s coming hard upon us.

Our kids have been feeling it, really feeling it — the stress that has them wound up tight, stress that makes them doubt themselves, stress that overwhelms every bit of courage to dig deep, reach in, and press on into their lives and their dreams.

Sometimes a momma’s heart, hating to see the worry etched across their baby’s forehead, feels compelled to remove, or soothe, or just make the big, bad wolves go away so that everything will be okay for their little one.

We know better, but sometimes a momma’s heart just can’t help herself.

Parents longing to protect their kids sometimes suffocate the experiences that grow rooted souls and resilient minds.We forget that we are not changing the world to coddle our kids, we are growing gladiator kids to change the world.

What I know is that every night sitting around the kitchen table doing homework, every Saturday morning when chores are needing to be done, early on Sunday morning when the alarm goes off for church, we have a choice— a choice to let the pressures of parenting weigh us down, or a choice to write our own parenting proclamation designed to free and not constrain us, purposed for empowering and not extinguishing the fire that’s in the hearts of our kids.

Here are four ways parents can reclaim their homes and reinvigorate their kids, in order to embrace a new way of parenting with a lot less burden and a lot more joy.

1. We can give our families the grace of just being.

We’ve got too much ‘doing’as it is.Our kids are starved in being, in becoming.In sitting quietly exploring a favorite book, a puzzle, or finding beauty in simply doing nothing at all, their minds can listen inward to discover their soul-worth in Christ so they can recharge their wisdom and creativity outside the noise and distraction of a phone or video game.

Busy is not always better. Children don’t need an entertainment coordinator nearly as much as they need us to model for them lives of space, of proportion, and meaning. We can make our homes a refuge of prayer, a haven of hope, and they will grow within them an anchor to steady their anxious hearts, they will know the grace of being fully present in each moment, without worrying about the next.

Luke 12:27-31(NIV) tells us, Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them.But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

We can cultivate the gift of calm.

Perhaps we weren’t meant to control it all or fix it all for our children (or ourselves, for that matter.)We can give ourselves the tender gift of calm.Like the exhale of a warm, summer rain, we too, can learn to exhale, to release the stresses and worries of the day that invade our inner sanctum, and quietly, graciously surrender them to the Father.We can observe the rhythms of our heart and mind.We can choose gratitude.Always.

Gratitude changes the reflection in the mirror—how we see His hand, His heart, His love writing itself into our despair, our brokenness.Gratitude removes the shadows of criticism and self-condemnation, allowing us to settle into a new flow of freedom, of peace, of joy pouring in and pouring out, seeping into every corner and every crevice of our homes.A calm, grateful heart in parents points young hearts towards their Creator instead of their circumstances.

[click_to_tweet tweet="A calm, grateful heart in parents points young hearts towards their Creator instead of their circumstances." quote="A calm, grateful heart in parents points young hearts towards their Creator instead of their circumstances."]

If you haven’t read my book, Peace For A Lifetime,it is written with parents in mind and equips them with strategies that are powerful for cultivating Emotional Abundance into children’s hearts and lives.

It is only with gratitude that life becomes rich!  _Dietrich Bonhoeffer

We can learn to let go of ‘perfect.’

Our kids don’t need a ‘perfect’parent, they simply need us.Just as we are.It is simply not our job to beeverything, or doeverything for our children.It isn’t.Parents who race around removing every sadness, every imperfection, every disappointment from their children’s lives don’t build strong spirits, don’t build in them the guts or the grit to overcome the injustices that are sure to meet them along their paths.

We waste so much time trying to protect our kids from this vast world instead of preparing them for it.

We unconsciously use our children to undo, heal, correct, or rewrite everything that was wrong in our childhoods.Could we free them from our need to make things ‘perfect?’ Could we give them instead experiences of creativity and kindness, wonder and wisdom, instilling in them hearts bulging with compassion and confidence?

We can be compassion warriors.

Much of the time parents recognize how easy it is to be a shame speaker.Don’t worry.Don’t feel that way.Don’t do this.Don’t do that. We say these things as much to ourselves as we do our kids, or anyone else for that matter.We are irreverent and unkind with our own meager humanity, especially when it is exhausted and empty.

How much harder is it for us to breathe compassion over our children when we find it impossible to give it to ourselves?

We can make it our mission to become compassion warriors  —to welcome in all of the parts and pieces of our brokenness, to allow ourselves the gift of feeling, of speaking life instead of death, love instead of hate. 

The words we speak to ourselves are the words being imprinted on our children’s hearts.How kind are they?

So as summer kicks off, let’s do things a little different.Let’s go against the grain.Let’s reclaim our homes and our peace in a way that will not only give each of us a lot less stress and a lot more joy, but will also build up our children’s stress-resilience and allow them to grow solid, strong souls. Ready for life.Ready for battle.Ready for Christ’s calling.

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

For Every Parent and Child Who Feels The Struggle of Being 'Raised Up'

A conversation for every parent and child who feels the struggle of being ‘raised up:’

I know it's hard.

You’ve come up in this wild, unwieldy age of technology. So many things coming at you at once and it all feels so necessary, so now.

I know it seems that life has always been this way but it hasn’t. There was a time when homework was done with a pencil and paper, and you had to memorize your multiplication tables because there wasn’t a calculator there at your fingertips.

I remember how a boy asked a girl if she liked him on a handwritten note with one check box for yes and one for no. There were no texts, no un-friending, no ghosting. Just a bashful smile, some awkward conversation, and giggling with your friends about how cute he was.

Somehow it seemed so much simpler then.

I feel so sad that relationships have been reduced to a machine and some pictures, that make or break your hearts depending on the mood of the day and who is popular or not.

I know technology was supposed to help me stay connected to you, yet how distant I feel from you. How many times I have longed to talk with you —really talk, and share stories, share hopes and dreams, but most importantly, share the faith that’s been the foundation of this life we’ve been building.

We’ve assumed you shared our faith. Assumed you felt it to the core just like we do. You see, nothing we have is ours, none of the blessings are anything other than lovely treasures from God. Like you.

Passing Down Our Legacy of Faith

Pretty Bible verses hang on our walls and we say a blessing before every meal, but looking back I think we relied too much on Sunday School and Wednesday night youth groups to grow you up spiritually. And that was our job.

I wish I had taken more time to shut off the tv and the phone, wish we’d sat down —just you and me— to study the Bible with you, pray with you, teach you what we believe and why we believe it. To teach you that God loves you and sent His Son to die on the cross for you. Teach you what being a Christ-follower means —really means. To show you what taking up your cross and following Him looks like.

Deuteronomy 6:6–7 (NIV) states, And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

‘Cause there is so much pressure on you to be like everyone else and do like everyone else. And when they tell you it’s okay as long as you’re in love, I want you to know the truth. I want it buried in the deepest part of your heart so on that day, you rise up like that strong one I know you are and say, No, that’s not who I am.I am the Beloved and He has so much more for me than that.

I want you to know and understand that though the world will tell you, child, that you can decide what is right and wrong, and that you can pick and choose your beliefs like the pies and cakes at a potluck dinner, I want you to know you can’t.

That’s what being a Christ-follower is all about. It’s about us laying our hopes, our dreams, our values and beliefs, our identity and purpose for all that is and is to come, right down at His feet and trusting Him for all of it.

Though it’s hard and uncomfortable, and there’s too much busyness that gets in the way, I want to have these conversations with you. I need to have these conversations with you.

Raised Up To Be Ready

There will come a day when you will leave my house and will have to forge your faith in a harsh and callous world. I want you to be ready.

Proverbs 22:6 (NIV)  encourages parents to, Train up a child in the way he should go; Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Just like our Father wants each of us to be ready.

There He is waiting to talk with us, to pour Himself into us so that we are soaked in His love, His truth. And usually I’m right there scrolling through Facebook.

I get it. He wants me to rise up and be that strong woman, to say to the naysayers and the thrill-peddlers, No, that’s not who I am.I am the Beloved and He has so much more for me than that.

We’re all being raised up. Called to be set-apart. Molded into His image. So we can breathe a little hope into a hopeless world. Shine a little light into the pits of night. Be the hands and feet of Jesus to broken souls who are desperate to feel grace instead of contempt, and compassion instead of this world’s harsh condemnation.

2 Corinthians 3:18 (MSG) shares His beautiful hope for His children, Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.

We got such a work to do. You and me.

I know it’s hard, but in this age of technology and disconnect, pressure and busyness…

…it is time for each of us to rise.

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

How To Know When It’s Time For Your Millennial To Move Out

I was sitting on my back porch a few weeks back, reading quietly while sipping on a hot cup of coffee. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed one of my juniper trees start to shake. All of a sudden, I saw what looked like a tiny round blob drop like a paperweight to the earth. It appeared lifeless, it exerted no movement —until right before it hit the ground, two small wings sprouted and the baby bird flew off excitedly into a nearby tree.

It took a second for me to realize there was even a bird’s nest in the tree, much less to determine that what I witnessed was the final moments of a baby bird’s effort to leave the nest. It wasn’t pretty. It didn’t look hopeful. In fact, everything told me that whatever it was would surely wind up as a splat at the bottom of the tree.

But it didn’t. As so many baby birds have done in the past, they all have a similar experience, a collective moment when they can no longer reside in the safe confines of the mama bird’s nest, when they must take that step into the unknown, and they must learn how to fly.

Interesting how different things have become for Millennials learning to fly today.

Recently Pew Research Center released a study stating that Millennial's most popular living arrangement is living at their parent’s house at 32.1%. Instead of cheering our children while they launch, instead of nudging them out of the nest, many parents these days appear horrified at the notion. It seems our ideal is to do everything we can to delay the move, to minimize the risk, and to make our Millennial’s transition to adulthood as seamless and as secure as possible. To remove any uncertainty, any challenges, and as a result, any growth.

How can we as parents know when our love for our children isn’t loving at all? How can we give them the greatest chance for success in life? And how can we know when it’s time for our adult children to move out? Here are three signs that it is time for your Millennial to leave the nest and learn to fly.

When They Stop Struggling

Growth is always a struggle. It’s not supposed to be easy. Developmentally, this is where resilience is cultivated, where our identity, our confidence in our competence, and our purpose in life are forged.

Participation trophies don’t give kids a strong self-concept. Doing kids' chores for them so they can sleep in doesn’t produce a strong, developed character capable of meeting their own physical, emotional, or spiritual needs. Only struggle, yes struggle prepares them to lean into life as well as their relationships in the midst of the storm without going under when the going gets tough.

Malcom Gladwell offered, A lot of what is most beautiful about the world arises from struggle.

Albert Bandura described that, In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, to struggle together with resilience to meet the inevitable obstacles and inequities of life.

So why do we parents remove every aspect of struggle from our children’s lives? Why do we desire for our children to remain fragile, weak and underdeveloped?

We need to begin seeing struggle as agift—a good gift at that. When they are not struggling, when there is no external battle for forward momentum and independence, it is time for our Millennials to leave.

Here are a few signs:

• When they spend more time on the couch than we do, they are not struggling.

• When they are not actively putting together and implementing a plan for school or work, they are not struggling.

• When most of their day is spent sleeping, but their social life in the evening is busier than ever, they are definitely not struggling.

• When they give you their grocery list and/or bills to pay, most likely they are not struggling.

• When they don’t have money to pay for rent or the cell phone bill, but they have plenty of money for manicures, dinners out with friends, new clothes, new games, and other luxuries, they are not struggling.

When They Stop Growing

From the time we are born until the time we die, we should be growing. We were created to grow. In some way, we should be moving, learning, stretching, and healing whether we are 5 yrs old or 50 yrs old. Yet many Millennials today prioritize enjoyment in life over growth. When they are not actively growing, they become sapped of energy and creativity, drained of the very curiosity that would engage them, focus them, or give them passion for something that could become their purpose in life.

Purpose does not come upon us externally as a lightning bolt. Purpose is only cultivated within.

[clickToTweet tweet="Purpose does not come upon us externally as a lightning bolt. Purpose is only cultivated within." quote="Purpose does not come upon us externally as a lightning bolt. Purpose is only cultivated within."]

Home should not become a breeding ground for stagnation. Home should provide fertile soil for our adult children to grow. If we do not see them actively growing, then it is time for them to go. A new environment with all of its struggles and challenges is most likely the perfect environment for them to persevere, to overcome, to build purpose and to thrive.

American psychologist, Abraham Maslow, stated, In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.

The question becomes, do we want our children to thrive, or are we more interested in them needing us? Do we get our sense of self as good parents by doing everything for our children, and for providing for all of their needs? Do we feel guilty that because we have been successful in life we owe our children a certain lifestyle?   Are we afraid that if we don’t provide for our children, they will not figure things out?

Here are a few signs:

• When it’s clear your child isn’t getting anywhere at work, they are not growing.

• When your child has no definite educational, financial, or career goals with specific timelines, they are not growing.

• When your child hasn’t offered to mow the lawn, do the dishes, clean the house, or run errands, they are not growing.

• When your child isn’t developing healthy patterns and/or routines for eating, exercise, spiritual growth, or relationships, chances are they are not growing.

• When your child continually demands their rights and freedoms while ignoring any responsibility or accountability, they are probably not growing.

• When your child’s bank account does not increase by at least the monthly rent cost of a room or an apartment they would have rented, they are not growing.

When They Stop Dreaming

Many of our life’s accomplishments began as a dream. I remember dreaming as a teenager and young adult of everything I longed for in life. I dreamed of career aspirations, I dreamed of marriage and family life, experiences, travel, and a million other possibilities. Somewhere in the process of dreaming, opportunities to invest in my dreams usually came alive.

If our adult children are not actively dreaming, actively imagining what their lives could be, they will not be in a position to connect with opportunity should it arrive. They will feel uncertain, doubtful, overwhelmed. Many will struggle with anxiety and depression.  Not having the active, accelerated psychological energy to move when a door opens will prevent them from engaging in the kinds of activities that will ultimately help them make their dreams come true.

When they are not dreaming, they are merely existing, and they will never muster the emotional energy it takes to leave. And no, gaming is not the same as dreaming. They should spend more time dreaming about their long-term goals than they do on immediate wants or needs.

Anais Nin said that, Dreams are necessary to life.

Poet and author, Victor Hugo, also stated that, Each man should frame life so that at some future hour fact and his dreaming meet.

If they are not actively invested in planting emotional, financial, and occupational seeds for their future, it is time to leave. If they are not intentionally pursuing their dreams, they will never move beyond their dependency on us into independent, dynamic adults.

Here are a few signs:

• When their only dream is what you will be making for dinner, they are not dreaming.

• When their dreams consist of what new video game, what new outfit, or what new vacation they want, they are not dreaming.

• When most of their time, energy, and/or income is spent on entertainment, they are not dreaming.

• When their greatest plans are about what they want right now instead of what they want for their lives later, they are not dreaming.

• When they look to you to dream for them or provide their dreams to them, they are not dreaming.

We as parents love our children. We want them to succeed in life to build a bright and hopeful future. We must get out of the way.

Deuteronomy 7:9 (NIV) tells us, Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations…

We must recognize when our own emotional issues are preventing us from taking the steps we need to help our Millennials move into their future, and get help to deal with our own emotional issues.

We can help them. We can love them. Most of all, we can pray for them. We can lovingly nudge them out of our living room and into their life. We can. We must. They are counting on us!

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Blog

Apr 23, 2019

Two Lessons About The Wisdom and Wonder of Parenting - guest post by Chip Mattis

Apr 23, 2019

Apr 23, 2019

Mar 19, 2019

ASK LISA - How Do I Stop The Cycle of Anger?

Mar 19, 2019

Mar 19, 2019

Jan 29, 2019

Ask Lisa—What Do I do With A Daughter Who Is Out Of Control?

Jan 29, 2019

Jan 29, 2019

May 29, 2018

Four Ways Parents Can Minimize Stress While Maximizing Kids' Wellbeing

May 29, 2018

May 29, 2018

Feb 6, 2018

For Every Parent and Child Who Feels The Struggle of Being 'Raised Up'

Feb 6, 2018

Feb 6, 2018

Jun 27, 2017

How To Know When It’s Time For Your Millennial To Move Out

Jun 27, 2017

Jun 27, 2017

Jun 6, 2017

Six Steps Parents Can Take To Protect Their Teens From Porn

Jun 6, 2017

Jun 6, 2017

Apr 25, 2017

Four Life-Changing Reasons Children Need To Hear The Word “No”

Apr 25, 2017

Apr 25, 2017

Mar 21, 2017

How To Teach Your Child Respect – In This Political Climate

Mar 21, 2017

Mar 21, 2017

May 31, 2016

Six Myths About Being a Good Mom

May 31, 2016

May 31, 2016

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Six Steps Parents Can Take To Protect Their Teens From Porn

Today’s post comes from our “Ask Lisa” feature, where readers submit questions they would like for me to address in an upcoming post. Anonymous writes, We recently caught our oldest son engaging in "stuff" online. Looking for some basic advice and help for our son.If you have a subject you would like me to address in the future, please submit your question here.

We don’t talk about it a lot. It is the silent epidemic that affects both adults and teens. It’s pornography. Many say it is not “if” someone you love will struggle with it, it is “when.” These days, the struggle with porn isn’t just limited to males. Recent studies show a dramatic increase in pornography usage in both women and adolescent girls.

Sad, huh? A 2014 Barna Group survey revealed the following demographic data regarding pornography use by American adults:

• Among males 18-30 years old, 79% viewed pornography once per month and 63% viewed pornography greater than once per week.

• Among males 31-49 years old, 67% viewed pornography once per month and 38% viewed pornography greater than once per week.

• Among females 18-30 years old, 34% viewed pornography once per month and 19% viewed pornography more than once per week.

• Among females 31-49 years old, 16% viewed pornography once per month and 8% viewed pornography greater than once per week.

A recent survey of American young people revealed that 51% of males and 32% of females claimed to have viewed pornography for the first time before they were 13 years old.  Thirteen years old! In a 2012 Australian study of pornography use, men who were frequent pornography users said their first exposure was between the ages of 11 to 13 years old.  A 2009 study in the Journal of Adolescent Health found that 85% of adolescent males and 50% of adolescent females had been exposed to pornographic material. These are our babies, our precious children. This is not just someone else’s issue.

Many say, Boys will be boys. What’s the big deal?—right? Wrong.

Pornography is having a profound affect on our teens. Science shows that exposure to violent pornography is associated with sexually aggressive behaviors in both adolescent and adult males. For young people, one study found that viewing sexually explicit web sites increased the likelihood of having more than one sexual partner. Porn also increased the likelihood of using alcohol and drugs during sexual activity. 

Now we are seeing a direct linkage between teenage sexting —the sending of sexually explicit photos, images, text messages or e-mails using a mobile device— and pornography exposure.  Many female teens who view pornography find themselves in relationships where they are exploited by their partner, feeling coerced to participate in sexual acts that they object to.

Dr. David Berry in TheJournal of Pediatrics noted the research of Bryant D. Zillman, reporting,

Pornography use by teens and young adults often leads to a distorted view of sexuality and its role in fostering healthy personal relationships.  These distortions include the overestimation of the prevalence of sexual activity in the community, the belief that sexual promiscuity is normal, and the belief that sexual abstinence is unhealthy.  These perspectives are likely to make it more difficult for young people to form lasting, meaningful relationships with the opposite sex, which ultimately results in more anxiety, depression, and overall life dissatisfaction.

The negative impact isn’t just for today, either. Pornography will have a negative effect on our teens later when they marry, creating unrealistic expectations for spouses and developing a reliance on heightened excitement and adrenaline spikes that normal sexual relationships cannot provide. The fantasy associated with porn causes individuals to lose interest in their spouses, forming a cycle of conflict and distance with their husbands or wives.

Parents need to understand the negative impact widespread use of pornography is having on today’s children so we can help stop this destructive influence and do our best to protect our teens. Here are six things we can do today.

Monitor Mobile Devices

Though I personally don’t believe in teens having their own mobile devices, most teens today do have cell-phones, I-pads, I-pods, etc. Mobile devices are one of the most common ways teens are accessing porn. While many families have web filters installed on their home computers, filters for tablets and phones are much less common.

Instead of using web filters that are only installed on your family computer, try installing filters at the entry-point into your home. There are many options for routers that filter any and all internet devices in your home, as well as other similar options.

Make sure ALL phones, tablets, computers and other electronic devices have parental controls to help eliminate access to inappropriate material and make sure electronic devices are used in public spaces only. Isolation is a breeding ground for inappropriate activity, whether texting with friends or accessing pornography.

Review YouTube Ads and Related Videos

Most kids today spend a lot of time on YouTube. Even though Google, the parent company of YouTube, has announced they will no longer allow pornographic ads on their ad services, their idea of inappropriate often looks a lot different than mine. One of the best options is AdBlock Plus, which not only turns off related videos, but also filters out ads and other questionable content.

Control Streaming Services

If you are one of the millions of families who have signed up for Netflix, Hulu+, or Amazon Prime, beware. All of the new streaming services make it extremely easy for teens to access material they shouldn't. Parents, take the time to look into each service’s filters and set up the controls you need to keep your family safe.

Evaluate Kids' Friends and Schoolmates

Our teens’ friends can be extremely difficult to monitor and control. What do you do when one of your child's schoolmates exposes your son or daughter to pornography? It’s hard to filter out a friend. You can't keep your child locked away forever in order to keep them away from problem kids. 

The best prevention is to consistently instill in your children healthy Biblical principles of living a life honoring to God, having a strong enough sense of self to do the right thing even when no one else is looking, developing clear boundaries, and knowing what being a good friend looks like, even to those who are making poor choices.

Watch Out for Video games

Video games may seem harmless on the surface, but many have dangerous or inappropriate content inside. Regardless of the genre, it's important to be careful which games we allow in our homes. Parents must be proactive in determining which games you let your children play.

The ESRB rating system —"E for Everyone," "T for Teen," etc.— can be helpful, but even then parents need to use the ratings wisely. Sit down and play the games with your kids. Watch them play. Be certain their games comply with your family standards.

Oversee Apps like SnapChat, WhatsApp, Kik, and more

Apps are everywhere and our kids are finding new, more secretive ways of connecting than parents can keep up with. Don’t just assume that an app is safe or appropriate —investigate all of them. Have an ongoing conversation with your teens about what apps they use on their phones or tablets. Parents should have a no secret password policy where family members either forego the use of passwords on their devices or share their passwords with you, the parent.

As always, diligence is key. Parents need to take an inventory periodically of which apps your kids have downloaded, what they seem to spend most time on, and what the purpose or content of the app entails. If necessary, use a service like Screen Time Parental Controls which allows you to set time limits, block calls from strangers, and more.

What To Do If You Discover Your Teen Has Developed an Addiction to Porn

Sometimes we as parents find out about our child’s pornography usage and/or addiction after the fact. Please do not overlook the situation or think that because you have had the talk, everything is probably fine. It’s usually not.

Get your teen help. Find a good, Christian counselor that can work with them to understand and process through the distorted images they have seen, help them grow a strong sense of self built on strong core beliefs and values, assist them in developing healthy emotional regulation and impulse control, as well as identify the qualities of normal, healthy adult relationships.

Help your teen when they can’t help themselves. There are accountability programs like Covenant Eyes that will notify you and/or other accountability partners to help your teen stay safe. They can also benefit from support provided by SA groups for teens and other therapy groups.

At the end of the day, there's no perfect way to protect our children from the growing pornographic content they are bombarded with on a daily basis. What parents can do is be aware, be vigilant, be consistent, and be present.

Give your children and teens plenty of extra-curricular activities to help keep them invested in positive outlets. Instill in them the need for a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Model for them an active, dynamic faith. Give them the gift of love. Most of all, give them the gift of prayer.

Ephesians 6:12 (NIV) says, For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

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Blog

Apr 23, 2019

Two Lessons About The Wisdom and Wonder of Parenting - guest post by Chip Mattis

Apr 23, 2019

Apr 23, 2019

Mar 19, 2019

ASK LISA - How Do I Stop The Cycle of Anger?

Mar 19, 2019

Mar 19, 2019

Jan 29, 2019

Ask Lisa—What Do I do With A Daughter Who Is Out Of Control?

Jan 29, 2019

Jan 29, 2019

May 29, 2018

Four Ways Parents Can Minimize Stress While Maximizing Kids' Wellbeing

May 29, 2018

May 29, 2018

Feb 6, 2018

For Every Parent and Child Who Feels The Struggle of Being 'Raised Up'

Feb 6, 2018

Feb 6, 2018

Jun 27, 2017

How To Know When It’s Time For Your Millennial To Move Out

Jun 27, 2017

Jun 27, 2017

Jun 6, 2017

Six Steps Parents Can Take To Protect Their Teens From Porn

Jun 6, 2017

Jun 6, 2017

Apr 25, 2017

Four Life-Changing Reasons Children Need To Hear The Word “No”

Apr 25, 2017

Apr 25, 2017

Mar 21, 2017

How To Teach Your Child Respect – In This Political Climate

Mar 21, 2017

Mar 21, 2017

May 31, 2016

Six Myths About Being a Good Mom

May 31, 2016

May 31, 2016

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Four Life-Changing Reasons Children Need To Hear The Word “No”

Yes, I heard it a lot growing up. The word no. It’s such a little word with a lot of influence on parents and kids.

No, you cannot watch television all day.

No, you may not skip dinner.

No, you may not use the car.  

This word has fallen out of vogue in many families, almost like an old shoe that no longer fits.  We've opted for a more friendly, egalitarian approach to raising our kids. We read all of the parenting books that told us somehow we could raise kids with full, tender hearts and no wounds.  We learned to flitter around like butterflies and protect our little ones from any heartache or disappointment that a bad grade or a missed field goal would inflict. In the process we removed the word no from our vocabulary, as if in removing the word, we would remove any broken promises or tear-stained moments from their lives.

We know that many times we say no too often and too easily. We know when it's always on the tip of our tongue and right on the surface of our heart, the word no renders it less effective. We know that used in anger and frustration, this word can destroy a child’s soul and dim the flicker of hope in their eyes.

What I am coming to believe, though, is that by never saying no, we as parents are becoming increasingly overprotective.  As a result, we are producing children who have a belly full of I want's, that's not fair's, and I deserve's that leave them emotionally starving, fragile, and ill-equipped for the real world. Because they have never had to feel what it feels like to stumble and fall, nor build the I can attitude that comes from persevering in the face of obstacles and opposition, they are in essence, set up to fail.

In a recent HuffPost article, Lori Freson, M.A., LMFT says, News flash: Kids need you to say ‘no.’ Children are not emotionally or developmentally equipped to make major decisions or rules, or to self-regulate. That’s your job. And if you don’t do it, your child will feel a sense of confusion and internal chaos.

I know we're all doing our best to make it through the day, but perhaps we need a different perspective on our parenting. As Dr. Robin Berman, Los Angeles-based psychiatrist and author states, Parenting is not a democracy; it's a benevolent dictatorship. While we need to listen better so that we can hear our kid's emotional heartbeat, we also need to stand firm when we draw boundaries for respect and responsibility, if we want our children to dream big dreams and see them come to life.

[clickToTweet tweet="Parenting is not a democracy; it's a benevolent dictatorship. _Dr. Robin Berman" quote="Parenting is not a democracy; it's a benevolent dictatorship. _Dr. Robin Berman"]

Proverbs 3:11-12 (NIV) says, My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

There are four reasons our children NEED to hear the word no:

They need to learn how to respect others.

Many young adults today have little respect in their hearts.  They've had a lifetime of training that has led them to believe they possess equal power and position to the adults in their lives.  Focused primarily on getting what they want, they resist respecting their parents, grandparents, teachers, or coaches based on their position of authority in their lives.  You can hear it from teenagers all around— I respect my parents when they let me do what I want to do.

The problem is that as these kids of ours become adults, if they have not been taught a healthy respect for authority, they will always be fighting against someone—their bosses, their spouses, and yes, even God.  By saying no to them now, we are allowing them to learn firsthand how to respect us as the God-given authority in their lives.  And yes, we are also teaching them how to respect God.  What a world of blessing to them as they start building their lives in a complex world filled with even more complex relationships.

Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.  I Peter 2:17 (NIV)

They need to learn that the world owes them nothing.

Most of us have experienced having to live with no’s in our lives—whether they are no’s to our career ambitions, to our hopes and dreams, even to our health and wellbeing. It doesn’t take too long in adulthood to realize that no can be a common, if not undesirable theme.

When kids get everything they want, they get entitled, and when they get entitled, they get selfish, according to Britney at Equipping Godly Women. If we want our children to thrive, they need to experience what no feels like so they can develop better self-reliance and resilience, both necessary traits to successfully accomplish their goals in life. Children who never hear no's are rarely grateful for the yes’s in their lives.

[clickToTweet tweet="Children who never hear no's are rarely grateful for the yes’s in their lives." quote="Children who never hear no's are rarely grateful for the yes’s in their lives."]

So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’  Luke 17:10 (NIV)

They need to learn to recognize warning signs to danger.

If children are never told no, they fail to develop some important internal cues that will protect them from potentially harmful or dangerous situations. Whether it is, No, don’t touch the hot stove, or No, don’t play in the street, parents need to remember that children are not small adults.  They have not yet fully developed advanced cognitive reasoning skills needed to assess risk and employ protective strategies. It is our job to teach them.

By placing limits and saying no, children learn to recognize early signals to potential danger and develop the necessary skills to keep themselves safe. They are better at learning whom to trust, and when to trust, experiencing less heartache and disappointment from learning how to deal with toxic people and situations.

The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.  Psalm 22:3 (NIV)

They need to learn to regulate their emotions.

Many times parents avoid telling their children no, not because it is right or called for but because they fear upsetting them. They fear disappointing them.  They fear losing their love.  Fear of our children and their moods should never be the guiding factor behind our parenting.

Our children need to feel the pangs of disappointment that come from no and learn to sort through the most uncomfortable, even hurtful emotions more effectively. We cannot spend our lives trying to protect them from every pain and discouragement that comes along. We CAN prepare them to deal well in any situation life will bring.

Romans 8:28 (NIV) says, We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.

Psalms 42:11 (NIV) states, Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

I am not suggesting we become tyrants or overuse our no’s.  We need to also reach into their tender hearts and listen to hopes and dreams that don't have words, and unpack the wounded moments that they are, in their own way, trying to share.  Yet I do believe we can use our no's appropriately and effectively to help our children develop skills such as self-reliance, self-discipline, respect, integrity and a host of other crucial character traits. Let’s learn to use our no’s wisely and calmly so we can strengthen and fortify our children, thus empowering their lives and futures.

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Blog

Apr 23, 2019

Two Lessons About The Wisdom and Wonder of Parenting - guest post by Chip Mattis

Apr 23, 2019

Apr 23, 2019

Mar 19, 2019

ASK LISA - How Do I Stop The Cycle of Anger?

Mar 19, 2019

Mar 19, 2019

Jan 29, 2019

Ask Lisa—What Do I do With A Daughter Who Is Out Of Control?

Jan 29, 2019

Jan 29, 2019

May 29, 2018

Four Ways Parents Can Minimize Stress While Maximizing Kids' Wellbeing

May 29, 2018

May 29, 2018

Feb 6, 2018

For Every Parent and Child Who Feels The Struggle of Being 'Raised Up'

Feb 6, 2018

Feb 6, 2018

Jun 27, 2017

How To Know When It’s Time For Your Millennial To Move Out

Jun 27, 2017

Jun 27, 2017

Jun 6, 2017

Six Steps Parents Can Take To Protect Their Teens From Porn

Jun 6, 2017

Jun 6, 2017

Apr 25, 2017

Four Life-Changing Reasons Children Need To Hear The Word “No”

Apr 25, 2017

Apr 25, 2017

Mar 21, 2017

How To Teach Your Child Respect – In This Political Climate

Mar 21, 2017

Mar 21, 2017

May 31, 2016

Six Myths About Being a Good Mom

May 31, 2016

May 31, 2016

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

How To Teach Your Child Respect – In This Political Climate

So here's the thing— Joanne Kraft isn't an ordinary southern girl.  Joanne is a California transplant to the hills of Tennessee, and she's got a powerful message for all parents out there — you can turn a "mean mom's" parenting into amazing children.  She knows.  She's got four kids of her own.  She writes and speaks around the country and I'm thrilled to have my dear friend  join the "Peace For A Lifetime" Community today!  

Like the rest of the free world, I’m disgusted by what’s happening. Our political climate is like watching a bunch of toddlers without naps.  

I’ve turned off the TV. Stopped going on Facebook and pretty much anything that allows me to see or hear this insanity.

We’ve lost the art of conversation and respect for other people’s views.

We’re just not willing to listen anymore.

How disrespectful is that?

Faith…teaches us not merely to tolerate one another, but to respect one another–to show regard to different views and the courtesy to listen. –George W. Bush, Inaugural Address 2001

Teaching Your Child To Listen

 “My daughter just doesn’t respect me. What can I do? She shouts at me and doesn’t listen to a word I say.”

This is the question I get most. Parents want to know how to instill respect in their children—especially when having a conversation.

Let me ask you this, it’s a question that will answer alot…

How do you model conversation with someone who believes differently than you do?

How do you act when your husband and you disagree? How do you talk about him when he’s not around? What about your mother-in-law? How do you talk about her? How do you act when you don’t get your way?

It matters.

Toddlers who throw tantrums become adults who do the same if we don’t teach them another way.

Kids want to be heard. They want to know their thoughts and ideas matter.

Adults do, too.

The problem is, when you’re raising kids there can only be one government and that government is called Mom and Dad.

It’s actually more like a benevolent dictatorship.

How Our Kids Talk Around The Dinner Table

I believe the best parents raise kids into adults who use logic and respect to share their beliefs and opinions and then LISTEN to ours.

When our kids were all little and around our kitchen table at night, they shared in the conversation with thoughts and ideas and stories that didn’t always make sense to us.

Still, we listened.

As they grew older, their ideas got a little kooky sometimes. (Teenagers, remember?) So, we’d engage with logic and truth. We’d ask them follow up questions, “Who told you that? Why do you believe that source? Do you know anyone else who had this experience?”

That sort of thing.

Respecting another person is simply admitting that God is big enough to love him or her just as much as he loves me. –Stephen Arterburn

There is much freedom of thought in our home and if anything, we taught them to be strong in what they believed. To have an answer that made sense and was factual was encouraged. If they spouted off with rhetoric we held them accountable and asked them to think critically about what they just said. Critical thinking is lacking in so many parenting classes these days. .

Parents walk a fine line between teaching respect and response.  We teach a child to respect the higher office of “parent” and instruct them to respond in a way that will be heard.

I make sure my kids understand their words carry a whole lot more weight if they are respectful with their delivery.

Why?

Because tantrums don’t work.

Name calling doesn’t work.

Shouting down Mom and Dad will never persuade us.

Ever.

Here’s a few things you can do to build teach your child the art of respectful conversation:

Teach them to use their words.  Speaking just to shout or cry is not helpful. Sharing feelings is important, so start there.

Teach your child to listen. Stand or sit eye to eye with your child and take turns talking and listening, especially listening.

Acknowledge their feelings/words. “I think I heard you say that you’re not ready for a nap.” Or, “What you’re telling me is that you’re frustrated with your curfew and want to stay out later.” It’s important a child knows they’ve been heard.

It’s not personal. When their words do not persuade you to change your mind, make sure you remind them it’s not personal. I’d say something like, “You just explained yourself perfectly. I understand a lot better now why you want a later curfew. I really do, but I also have something you don’t yet have—adult perspective. I can see a bigger picture than just the curfew. I know you may not understand why I’m still not persuaded—but know this, I appreciate how you shared your heart with me and I love you very, very much.”

Respect is a character trait for success.

Why is respect so important?

Because, how my children treat me is how they’ll treat their teachers, future employers and eventually their spouses.

[clickToTweet tweet="How my children treat me is how they’ll treat their teachers, future employers and their spouses." quote="How my children treat me is how they’ll treat their teachers, future employers and their spouses."]

My kids are taught to respect all positions of authority but most importantly all people, period. There’s a difference between respecting a person and respecting their office or position.

I teach this because I was taught this by my own parents.

My Lesson In Respect Began In High School

My sophomore year in high school I had an algebra teacher who grabbed me by my jacket and sat me down in my chair.

A total jerk, right?

Okay, I may have been getting a D in the class and I may have been a bit chatty–my memory is a bit cloudy…

My three-tours-in-Viet-Nam-USMC-father called said teacher and gave him the “what for” and I silently listened from the family room.

Thinking to myself, Woohoo! Dad’s on my side!

When he got off the phone I overheard him tell my mom how much he didn’t respect the guy. Then he called for me, “Joanne!”

I almost skipped into the kitchen.

“I just spoke with your teacher. He won’t help you sit in your chair anymore. And, you’re on restriction for two weeks until we see your grade is up in his class.”

“What!? But Dad, I thought I heard you just tell Mom you didn’t like him?”

“I may not like him but he’s your teacher and from what he just shared with me, you’ve not been the best student in his class and your grade reflects that.”

The position my teacher held was to be respected. While I never respected my teacher personally, I was taught I could tolerate a lot when I didn’t like someone–even where algebra was concerned.

Teach your child to respect a position if they can’t respect a person. Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 1Peter 2:17

[clickToTweet tweet="Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 1Peter 2:17" quote="Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 1Peter 2:17"]

This is how my kids have been able to have conversations and even friendships with people from China, India, Russia, Australia, Africa, and not just other cultures but other belief systems; agnostics, Buddhists, atheists, Hindus and more.

I have to constantly remind myself my kids are watching. What I model is what I’ll see. Instead of blocking bridges or shouting down someone who might think completely opposite of how I think and believe, I’m teaching my kids to engage in conversation and respect ALL people.

It’s this process where they’ll learn to love them, too.

Scriptures  About Respecting Others

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10

[clickToTweet tweet="Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10 " quote="Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10 "]

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12

Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and forsake not your mother's teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck. Proverbs 1:8-9

A Little About Joanne

Joanne Kraft is a mom of four and the author of  The Mean Mom’s Guide to Raising Great Kids and Just Too Busy—Taking Your Family on a Radical Sabbatical. She’s been a repeat guest on Focus on the Family, Family Life Today and CBN. Her articles have appeared in ParentLife, Today’s Christian Woman, In Touch, Thriving Family, P31 Woman and more. Joanne and her husband, Paul, once lifelong Californians, moved their family to Tennessee. They’ve happily traded soy milk and arugula for sweet tea and biscuits.

Website http://joannekraft.com/ 

Monthly Newsletter – http://goo.gl/xcp7N

Facebook Author Page:  http://goo.gl/nd3Jt

If you want to read more great posts about parenting, life and so much more, you'll definitely want to sign up for Joanne's blog!

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Blessings,

Lisa

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Six Myths About Being a Good Mom

And the truths that can empower our parenting 

The pressure is real. The ads say it, social media screams it. Moms have to be perfect. We need to have it all figured out — how to be playful and fun, structured and planned, how to know what every cough, sneeze, cry, or whimper means.

Ideally, we’d be a little Dr. Phil, a whole lot Martha Stewart. We’d be as smart as Megyn Kelly, cook like Rachel Ray and have Ellen’s sense of humor. Everywhere moms today struggle against the many pressures that gnaw at us, that control us, that tell us we are not enough and that we better try harder, stay up longer, and make it happen.

Psychologist Diane Sanford, PhD, health expert for the American Psychological Association noted in an article for Today Parenting, “Women tend to compare and measure themselves against unrealistic images and then feel they fall short.” Somewhere along the way we have created an ideal and largely unrealistic vision of what motherhood entails, good motherhood that is. We’ve created a myth. We’ve believed a lie. And the lies are controlling us, exhausting us, and destroying us.

Here are a few myths about being a mom we need to recognize and the truths we need to set us free to begin celebrating our role as a mom and enjoying our children in these precious years.

Myth #1. We must do everything for our kids if we are going to be a good mom.

We race around deliriously believing that the sign of our exhaustion is proof of how we measure up as a mom. We will carry ourselves to Target at 10pm, bake cookies into the wee hours of the night, never miss a practice, a rehearsal, or skate party, as if our lives depended on it. We feel guilty if every minute of our day isn’t completely devoted in thought or action to our beloved little ones.

The truth is our kids don’t need us to do everything for them. In fact, they actually benefit from learning to do more for themselves. Good moms recognize their sense of self-worth must come from something other than their identity as a mom. They are able to care for themselves well. They are at peace with the fact they can’t do everything and simply focus on enjoying the activities and tasks they can do.

Myth #2. If we can be the perfect parent, we can raise perfect children.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent and there is no such thing as perfect children. The truth is no matter how hard you try, you are going to impact your children in ways you don’t necessarily want or intend. Though this has never been any different, modern motherhood has made the pursuit of perfection or near perfection a consuming goal.

The thinking is if we are perfect for our children, we can guarantee their future, and at the same time counteract the wounds from our childhood. We are all on our own journeys. It’s not your job to be perfect, nor will striving for this goal benefit your children. It is your job to be you, to heal your wounds, to live your life in the most fulfilling way possible. This version of you is what your children need most. God has to be the God of our children, not us.

Myth #3. We must give our kids everything if we are to be a good mom.

In reality, “more” is making moms and their children miserable. Between activities, possessions and commitments, we’re being suffocated by the very things we hope will enrich us, fill us, or give us the momentary happiness for which we long.

The truth is, we’re all driven towards abundance, but what we’re looking for today is the wrong kind of abundance. External things were never meant to fill us, or give us the satisfaction we desire. Until we learn to look to God and ourselves for our inner abundance, we will continue to accumulate indiscriminately. Instead, give your kids yourself. Spend time with them instead of buying them. Teach them to dream, to love God, to enjoy the people in their lives, to serve others, and to find meaning in the present moment. These are the most precious gifts we can give our children.

Myth #4. Asking for help is a sign of weakness. 

We live with the internal motto that we can do everything. We don’t like to ask for help. We fear that asking would mean we were weak, perhaps incompetent. We tell ourselves, Everyone else seems to manage everything alone, I should, too.

The truth is, though more virtually connected than ever, mothers have never been so isolated in the rearing of children. We aren’t meant to raise children alone. We can ask for help from our friends, our neighbors, our family members. We can seek wisdom from other moms who have walked the road before. We can even reach out to professionals to help when our best efforts are running short and we don’t know where to turn.

Myth #5. We should be enjoying every moment.

Somehow we wake up every morning believing that every breakfast, every diaper change, every minute of our time with our children should be both enjoyable and meaningful. If it isn’t, we must be doing something wrong.

The truth is, parenting is a wonderful, beautiful, miraculous experience unlike any other on earth. But not every moment is going to be wonderful, beautiful, or exciting. It just isn’t. It’s not supposed to be. Life is about finding meaning in the mundane, about living thoughtfully and authentically each moment and trusting that this is enough. Mothering is a sacred calling, though every experience is not intended to be. Free yourself to be present in whatever moment you are in and trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. It is enough. You are enough. God is enough.

[clickToTweet tweet="Free yourself to be present in whatever moment you are in and trust that it is enough. You are enough. God is enough." quote="Free yourself to be present in whatever moment you are in and trust that it is enough. You are enough. God is enough."]

Myth #6. If we parent right, our kids will love us.

Perhaps…when they are 25 years old. Most kids will be kids. They will love us, they will hate us, they will feel many things about us throughout their young lives. Our children were never placed on this earth to complete us, love us, or make us feel good about ourselves. That is not their responsibility. If we are parenting only to receive their affection or approval, we will not be effective parents.

[clickToTweet tweet="Our children were never placed on this earth to complete us, love us, or make us feel good about ourselves." quote="Our children were never placed on this earth to complete us, love us, or make us feel good about ourselves."]

The truth is if you are parenting effectively you will get a mixture of emotional responses from your children. Your parenting decisions should never be based on your emotional needs. The best parenting decisions are made in the context of what your children need to learn, how they need to grow, and what will provide the best tools for them have the healthiest, most meaningful lives as adults.

We need to stop living on the treadmill of comparison, insecurity, disappointment, and guilt. God gave your children you to be their mom, because they needed you, with all your flaws, all your insecurities, all your quirks and hang-ups. Be the best “you” you can be. Pray for wisdom in each decision. Trust your intuition in each situation. Leave the rest to God. He is in control anyway.

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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Eight Must-Have Tips To Foster Resilience In Your Kids

Growing up, my mother always told me that life wasn’t fair. Aside from the truth that Jesus loves me, this may have been one of her greatest gifts to me. 

It seems that so much energy is wasted trying to make every aspect of every moment “fair” for our children that we never teach them how to become resilient human beings, to develop an internal reservoir of strength and determination that will enable them to overcome the inevitable obstacles that life will bring.

Resilience is a quality that helps us not only manage stress in our lives, but motivates and energizes us toward achieving our goals and living our dreams. The APA defines resilience as, “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress.” It is the ability to "bounce back" from difficult experiences.

Giving our children the belief that life “should” be fair only cripples them from focusing on their strengths or their goals, and leaves them feeling helpless to achieve their hopes and dreams in life. What’s more, it prevents them from ever growing a sense of self that comes from accomplishing difficult tasks and replaces an excitement about the future with an anxious uncertainty about the next step ahead. No wonder our children don’t want to leave home!

We can change the course for our children’s lives and our own lives. We can foster resilience in all areas of life. We first have to let go of needing life to be fair.

There are eight ways we can begin instilling resilience in our children.

1. Teach them to nurture themselves. Developing the practice of nurturing ourselves can keep our mind and body not only calm, but prepare us to deal with whatever situations come our way. We can teach our children how to have quiet “me-time” without earbuds or technology, so they can learn to care for themselves well, learn to connect with their emotions, and sort through their day.

2. Encourage them to cultivate a positive view of themselves. This does not mean false praise, nor does it mean telling lies. We know the difference and our children know the difference. Developing confidence in our ability to solve problems and trusting our instincts helps build resilience. We can encourage our children in their ability to overcome, to solve problems and to figure things out without rushing to the rescue to figure out their problems for them.

3. Help them learn to keep things in perspective. Even when facing challenges or painful situations, trying to view them within the broader context of our life and our faith can help avoid blowing the event out of proportion and help keep our focus on what we can control.  Allowing our children see the big picture is significant. When every problem seems catastrophic, life begins to feel overwhelming and outside of their control. Eventually, they simply give up.

4. Show them how to maintain a hopeful outlook. Having hope can change everything in life. Hope enables us to believe that good things will happen in our lives, to believe that God is at work, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. We can instill a hopeful outlook in our children by encouraging them to look beyond the immediate circumstances to discover the potential meaning or purpose in them. Though we cannot force their faith, we can help them nurture, not just a religious set of traditions and rules, but a deep and meaningful relationship that will give them strength and resilience in the most trying of times.

5. Model for them the importance of building relationships. Relationships with close family members, friends or others are important. While we all need alone-time, we were intentionally created for connection. Do not isolate. Accepting help and support from those who care about you and will listen to you strengthens resilience. Encourage your children to get involved in your church, school, and community. Learning to serve others develops their ability to see outside of themselves and nurtures empathy and compassion for others.

6. Help them accept that change is a part of living. Certain goals may not always be attainable as a result of adverse situations. We all have limitations. We all have roadblocks, fair or not. Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed can help your children focus on steps they can alter. Focusing on fairness saps the energy that may be more effective in looking for flexible alternatives.

7. Empower them to move toward their goals. When life seems unfair and we feel stuck, that is a great time to identify small steps we can take towards a goal and move forward. When faced with challenges it can be easy to detach and wish them away. Instead, we can encourage our children to understand that taking steps, even small ones will build forward momentum toward achieving their goals.

8. Nurture a mind-set of self-discovery. We often learn something about ourselves as a result of our struggles. Those who have endured great hardship often discover a greater sense of strength and vulnerability, an increased sense of self-worth, as well as a more dynamic faith and heightened appreciation for life.

[clickToTweet tweet="Letting go of the fairness trap allows us to grow a resilient, indomitable spirit within our kids." quote="Letting go of the fairness trap allows us to grow a resilient, indomitable spirit within our kids."]

In my new book Peace For A Lifetime, I share more about the skills we need to cultivate a life of abundance and peace. Life doesn’t simply happen to us. We can develop new ways of living, not just for ourselves, but for the future of our children and our families.

If you’d like to learn more about the book, click here.

We don’t need life to be fair for our children. What we need is for our children to be strong enough and resilient enough to face whatever challenges come their way and be able to move forward productively, in building the life of their dreams.

How have you fallen into the fairness trap? Are there tips you've found to foster resilience in your kids?  I’d love to hear your comments.

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My hope is to provide a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I now live just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN with my husband and Shih-tzu, Sophie.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I have discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

I’d love to connect on Facebook: Lisa Murray, author

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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