The truth is, sometimes I’m not fine. There are moments my day hasn’t gone great, and yes, some days the weather really does stink.
That’s what I want to say at least, but I rarely do. How about you?
There are a lot of things about me I don’t say, many truths I keep tucked inside, hidden in the bottom drawer of my heart, for fear others wouldn’t want to hear about what’s really going on with me. Somehow I believe if I let them see the real me, they might think I’m crazy, too much to handle. Or they might just reject me altogether.
Thus article was recently published on Crosswalk.com.
God wants us to be happy, right?
I hear it often in my work with couples. Two people on the brink of divorce, not because of abuse or infidelity, but because the relationship no longer makes them happy. As they describe, the excitement, curiosity, and fun they experienced at the beginning of their relationship are no longer there. Wedding vows may say, ‘till death us do part,’ but for many those words have lost their meaning.
The reality is that culture has changed and the beliefs we carry about marriage often mirror those changes. Truth today is seen as relative, feelings fuel our experience, and a consumer-driven mindset fosters more transactional attitudes toward relationships.
Instead of understanding God’s true purpose for marriage, we routinely view marriage based on what another person can do for us, what they can give us, and ultimately, how they make us feel about ourselves.
Bottom line: If happiness is your primary expectation of marriage, you will most likely find yourself disillusioned and disappointed.
The tornado that has been swirling since October is beginning to dissipate and I feel like I might just be able to come up for air. Exhale —inhale.
New endings and new beginnings. Just like that.
I exhale reflections of times past, opportunities seized and opportunities lost. Perhaps. There are milestones and gravestones. I measure the beautiful people and experiences that have meandered across my cobbled little path on my journey and give thanks.
I inhale new hope (which at times is so hard), as well as new visions. More than anything I am learning to inhale what matters more to me than anything —and that is the gift of presence.
Years ago I read this quote by Henri Nouwen that speaks so powerfully to my own ideals and selfish agendas:
“More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, throw water, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time to practice this simple ministry of presence. Still, it is not as simple as it seems. My own desire to be useful, to do something significant, or to be part of some impressive project is so strong that soon my time is taken up by meetings, conferences, study groups, and workshops that prevent me from walking the streets. It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause, and not to feel that you are working directly for social progress. But I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn’t be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them, but truly love them.”
I recognize the ministry of presence, as Nouwen describes, is not about being social. It is about being intentional. Intentional with what matters most to God —His children. In the truest sense, one cannot truly experience the presence of another until he has experienced the presence of himself (and survived). And one cannot —cannotexperience the full presence of himself unless he has encountered and embraced the Presence of Abba, Father. God. Through His Son Jesus Christ.
So as you move into this new year, as you exhale what has been and inhale what will be, skip the lists, forgo the agenda. Focus instead on the ministry of presence, and watch the transformation that unfolds.
Make time to encounter God each day.
I know, I know. Sounds so simple. Yet when was the last time you were fully present with God? When did you last silence the noise of the world and still the clamoring of your heart to simply BE in the Presence of God? To settle in and experience your belovedness. Nothing else. Just your belovedness.
Maybe this is already a daily practice for you, maybe it sounds completely foreign. I encourage you this year to make the ministry of Presence first and foremost with your Father. Visit with Him. Sit in solitude with Him. Breathe deeply in His Presence. Pour your heart out to Him, read about Him in His Word.
He will transform you. His Word says it and we can know it is true. We will find nothing that fills our souls, nothing that completes us, or gives us the meaning we are searching for other than the One who created us. Breathed His life into us. Called us His own. Invite Him into your heart today. Invite Him into your schedule this year.
Carve out time to nourish your soul.
We know scientifically that good self-care reduces stress, lowers anxiety and depression. But caring for our souls takes us on a lifelong journey of healing, of growth, of self-discovery.
Since we are God’s creation and He thought what He created was good, shouldn’t we spend time getting to know ourselves —our physical and emotional identities, our ways of experiencing the world around us, our passions and purpose? Shouldn’t we better understand why we think, feel, and engage the way we do so that we can continue on our healing journeys and allow God to transform those areas of our heart?
Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character. Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul.
_ Author Unknown
Soul-care is not selfish. It isn’t. And it isn’t self-centered. It is being rooted and planted in Christ, and becoming intentional to grow a solid, strong identity so that we can give ourselves fully to those He has called us to serve. And love. That is the ministry of presence.
Carve out time to have a coffee and breathe. Settle into your body. Feel the feelings that have become buried or discarded throughout the day. Name your feelings. Be present with them. Understand them. Talk yourself through them. Release them to the Father.
Be intentional about nurturing your relationships.
As Nouwen says, our desires tend to focus on tasks, agendas, schedules. They seem so safe. At times the ministry of presence with others can feel unsafe. Humans are broken and our brokenness makes the terrain of relationships potentially messy.
Yet the ministry of presence is precisely what God calls each of us to embrace. No one will remember the size of your bank account. They won’t remember the award you won at work. They will remember being with you and experiencing the beauty, the love, the life and everything in between with you. They will remember the experience of His presence pouring through you. Love. God’s love.
So as I enter these first few moments of the new year, this is my focus:
Exhale—My disappointments . My failures. My sorrows. Inhale— God’s love, His delight, His compassion.
Exhale —My agenda, my plans, my desires. Inhale —the ministry of presence with God, with myself, with others.
And gratitude brings with it joy. Joy tells us that while things are going haywire in this world, God is in control. Joy tells us that in the face of the world’s definition of success, we are enough. Joy finds itself alive when our hearts are most settled in the Father’s presence.
That is where I want to be in 2019 —settled in His presence.
Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!
About Peace for a Lifetime
In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!
That’s the sound heard among many groups in the church when the subject of sex surfaces.
I ask myself, Why?
Why would Christians —who know the beauty of God’s design as it is described in the Bible, who have the understanding about God’s plan for sex within our marriages —why would Christians cower in the corner and speak so little about a subject that matters so much?
It is often said that culture is upstream of politics.Yet culture wields a tremendous influence over every aspect of our lives regarding technology, education, artistic expression, and yes, sex.Culture has distilled an encompassing and powerful narrative that has shaken attitudes and beliefs about sex.
Unfortunately, many in the Christian community have refused to show up for the conversation, have ambivalently abdicated a seat at the cultural table —to equip and encourage couples with real information, real authenticity, and real power to cultivate a sexual relationship that is vulnerable, authentic, sometimes awkward, sometimes frustrating, yet more beautiful and intimate than anything we could have imagined.
Lies loom heaviest in dark places.Shame spreads where silence is the loudest.Transformation occurs when truth and compassion are spoken in the light.
Here are a few reasons why Christians need to talk more about sex:
To help heal our broken past
It’s hard to give ourselves fully to another when the pain of our past stands in the way.Past broken places.Past shame bleeds into present shame, holding us captive to fear and self-condemnation, which hangs low as a dark shadow over the corners of our hearts and prevents us from ever knowing or being known.Keeps us hidden behind stark walls of distance and disconnection.Protects us from ever climbing out of our shame-skin and making ourselves vulnerable, unmasked, and real with the person with whom we’ve chosen to spend the rest of our lives.
God doesn’t want us to live out of our past.He wants us to heal our past.He longs to restore and redeem. To see His blood washing over our souls, our minds, our aching wounds, and our most fragile broken places, so He can make us white as snow. Clean. Brand new.
He wants us to experience the freedom and boldness to embrace sex with our spouse and enjoy it fully as His good gift to us.Why don’t we as a church start talking about sexual wounds so that we can heal them? Let’s reclaim what the enemy has tried to steal.Let Him redeem and restore our past wounds in the way only He can.
To release unhealthy beliefs
Beliefs and attitudes don’t come with an easy on-off switch.I wish they did.When everything you’ve been taught is that sex is, bad-dirty-the worst, and that waiting is sure to bring amazing rewards, it is hard to wake up on your honeymoon and make the shift from puritan to sexual prowess.
Sometimes the beliefs that helped maintain our purity can hold us back from experiencing a healthy view of sexuality, and prevent us from being able to let down our guard and enjoy healthy sex with our mate.
Genesis 2:25 (NIV) states, And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
Why doesn’t the church talk about sex the way God intends?Why don’t we teach our men and our women healthy attitudes that will keep us reaching towards each other instead of beliefs that keep us shut down, turned away, crying alone in the dark.
Talking about God’s plan, His desires, His purpose for sex, can inspire a God-centered perspective of purity, and lead couples into a clear understanding, with more balanced expectations so that couples everywhere can thrive.
To empower greater intimacy
God created sex to keep couples face-to-face, eye-to-eye, and soul-to-soul, listening to each other, breathing and working as one through the challenges of life.The stresses and responsibilities are constantly vying for our attention, threatening to pull us apart, subtly driving us towards the daily distractions and away from each other.Little by little we become strangers and we’re not sure just how we forgot to admire, to lean in, to cling to each other.
Sometimes we buy into the notion that, I’m too tired, is okay for life.We get comfortable.We settle in.We rarely think of the cost to our relationship. We believe the lies that it will always be there when in fact, sometimes it won’t.
There is substantial clinical research that a healthy sex life has significant health benefits for couples, and even more, feeds the emotional connection in the marriage.
Couples who are more intimate or sexually active tend to be, on the whole, more fulfilled in all areas of their life…It is a blessing to be able to come together as a couple in a way you wouldn't with any other person. That is a shared vitality between you and your partner alone, and it is sacred.
Sacred.Yes, sex is a sacred union between a husband and a wife.Healthy sex is also a sacred expression of our faith, and yes, that’s why it is so important that we start talking about it.Working through it.Grappling with it. Growing in it.
To strengthen our faith
Great sex is a parable of the Gospel—to be utterly accepted in spite of your sin, to be loved by the One you admire to the sky._Tim Keller, The Gospel and Sex
Sex teaches us how to receive one another, as God receives us.Sex is the canvas that grows our compassion and cultivates connection, not in the absence of our weaknesses or failings, but most often, in spite of them.
How much more does a healthy sex life keep us grateful to an overwhelming God who loves us, reaches towards us, and gives Himself to us in spite of our doubt, our sorrow, and distrust.
And his goal in creating human beings with personhood and passion was to make sure that there would be sexual language and sexual images that would point to the promises and the pleasures of God’s relationship to his people and our relationship to him.In other words, the ultimatereason (not the only one) why we are sexual is to make God more deeply knowable._John Piper, Sex and the Supremacy of Christ
So, can we let the cat out of the bag?Can we break through the awkwardness, the silence and actually begin the conversation about sex?Can we talk about it from the pulpit without offending someone?Can we talk about it in our Bible studies without fearing we will embarrass ourselves?
So many couples struggle in the darkness.It is about time we in the church help walk them into the light.
God’s goodness is in the light.
His healing is in the light.
His understanding and hope is in the light.
His power to transform is in the light.
Let’s move past the awkwardness.Let’s bravely step out of the silence.
Let’s start talking more about sex and step into the freedom, the hope, the future that God has for us in the light!
Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!
About Peace for a Lifetime
In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!
Exams have passed.Graduations have been celebrated.Summer’s coming hard upon us.
Our kids have been feeling it, really feeling it — the stress that has them wound up tight, stress that makes them doubt themselves, stress that overwhelms every bit of courage to dig deep, reach in, and press on into their lives and their dreams.
Sometimes a momma’s heart, hating to see the worry etched across their baby’s forehead, feels compelled to remove, or soothe, or just make the big, bad wolves go away so that everything will be okay for their little one.
We know better, but sometimes a momma’s heart just can’t help herself.
Parents longing to protect their kids sometimes suffocate the experiences that grow rooted souls and resilient minds.We forget that we are not changing the world to coddle our kids, we are growing gladiator kids to change the world.
What I know is that every night sitting around the kitchen table doing homework, every Saturday morning when chores are needing to be done, early on Sunday morning when the alarm goes off for church, we have a choice— a choice to let the pressures of parenting weigh us down, or a choice to write our own parenting proclamation designed to free and not constrain us, purposed for empowering and not extinguishing the fire that’s in the hearts of our kids.
Here are four ways parents can reclaim their homes and reinvigorate their kids, in order to embrace a new way of parenting with a lot less burden and a lot more joy.
We can give our families the grace of just being.
We’ve got too much ‘doing’as it is.Our kids are starved in being, in becoming.In sitting quietly exploring a favorite book, a puzzle, or finding beauty in simply doing nothing at all, their minds can listen inward to discover their soul-worth in Christ so they can recharge their wisdom and creativity outside the noise and distraction of a phone or video game.
Busy is not always better. Children don’t need an entertainment coordinator nearly as much as they need us to model for them lives of space, of proportion, and meaning. We can make our homes a refuge of prayer, a haven of hope, and they will grow within them an anchor to steady their anxious hearts, they will know the grace of being fully present in each moment, without worrying about the next.
Luke 12:27-31(NIV) tells us, Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them.But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
We can cultivate the gift of calm.
Perhaps we weren’t meant to control it all or fix it all for our children (or ourselves, for that matter.)We can give ourselves the tender gift of calm.Like the exhale of a warm, summer rain, we too, can learn to exhale, to release the stresses and worries of the day that invade our inner sanctum, and quietly, graciously surrender them to the Father.We can observe the rhythms of our heart and mind.We can choose gratitude.Always.
Gratitude changes the reflection in the mirror—how we see His hand, His heart, His love writing itself into our despair, our brokenness.Gratitude removes the shadows of criticism and self-condemnation, allowing us to settle into a new flow of freedom, of peace, of joy pouring in and pouring out, seeping into every corner and every crevice of our homes.A calm, grateful heart in parents points young hearts towards their Creator instead of their circumstances.
[click_to_tweet tweet="A calm, grateful heart in parents points young hearts towards their Creator instead of their circumstances." quote="A calm, grateful heart in parents points young hearts towards their Creator instead of their circumstances."]
If you haven’t read my book, Peace For A Lifetime,it is written with parents in mind and equips them with strategies that are powerful for cultivating Emotional Abundance into children’s hearts and lives.
It is only with gratitude that life becomes rich! _Dietrich Bonhoeffer
We can learn to let go of ‘perfect.’
Our kids don’t need a ‘perfect’parent, they simply need us.Just as we are.It is simply not our job to beeverything, or doeverything for our children.It isn’t.Parents who race around removing every sadness, every imperfection, every disappointment from their children’s lives don’t build strong spirits, don’t build in them the guts or the grit to overcome the injustices that are sure to meet them along their paths.
We waste so much time trying to protect our kids from this vast world instead of preparing them for it.
We unconsciously use our children to undo, heal, correct, or rewrite everything that was wrong in our childhoods.Could we free them from our need to make things ‘perfect?’ Could we give them instead experiences of creativity and kindness, wonder and wisdom, instilling in them hearts bulging with compassion and confidence?
We can be compassion warriors.
Much of the time parents recognize how easy it is to be a shame speaker.Don’t worry.Don’t feel that way.Don’t do this.Don’t do that. We say these things as much to ourselves as we do our kids, or anyone else for that matter.We are irreverent and unkind with our own meager humanity, especially when it is exhausted and empty.
How much harder is it for us to breathe compassion over our children when we find it impossible to give it to ourselves?
We can make it our mission to become compassion warriors —to welcome in all of the parts and pieces of our brokenness, to allow ourselves the gift of feeling, of speaking life instead of death, love instead of hate.
The words we speak to ourselves are the words being imprinted on our children’s hearts.How kind are they?
So as summer kicks off, let’s do things a little different.Let’s go against the grain.Let’s reclaim our homes and our peace in a way that will not only give each of us a lot less stress and a lot more joy, but will also build up our children’s stress-resilience and allow them to grow solid, strong souls. Ready for life.Ready for battle.Ready for Christ’s calling.
About This Community
Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!
About Peace for a Lifetime
In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!
A conversation for every parent and child who feels the struggle of being ‘raised up:’
I know it's hard.
You’ve come up in this wild, unwieldy age of technology. So many things coming at you at once and it all feels so necessary, so now.
I know it seems that life has always been this way but it hasn’t. There was a time when homework was done with a pencil and paper, and you had to memorize your multiplication tables because there wasn’t a calculator there at your fingertips.
I remember how a boy asked a girl if she liked him on a handwritten note with one check box for yes and one for no. There were no texts, no un-friending, no ghosting. Just a bashful smile, some awkward conversation, and giggling with your friends about how cute he was.
Somehow it seemed so much simpler then.
I feel so sad that relationships have been reduced to a machine and some pictures, that make or break your hearts depending on the mood of the day and who is popular or not.
I know technology was supposed to help me stay connected to you, yet how distant I feel from you. How many times I have longed to talk with you —really talk, and share stories, share hopes and dreams, but most importantly, share the faith that’s been the foundation of this life we’ve been building.
We’ve assumed you shared our faith. Assumed you felt it to the core just like we do. You see, nothing we have is ours, none of the blessings are anything other than lovely treasures from God. Like you.
Passing Down Our Legacy of Faith
Pretty Bible verses hang on our walls and we say a blessing before every meal, but looking back I think we relied too much on Sunday School and Wednesday night youth groups to grow you up spiritually. And that was our job.
I wish I had taken more time to shut off the tv and the phone, wish we’d sat down —just you and me— to study the Bible with you, pray with you, teach you what we believe and why we believe it. To teach you that God loves you and sent His Son to die on the cross for you. Teach you what being a Christ-follower means —really means. To show you what taking up your cross and following Him looks like.
Deuteronomy 6:6–7 (NIV) states, And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
‘Cause there is so much pressure on you to be like everyone else and do like everyone else. And when they tell you it’s okay as long as you’re in love, I want you to know the truth. I want it buried in the deepest part of your heart so on that day, you rise up like that strong one I know you are and say, No, that’s not who I am.I am the Beloved and He has so much more for me than that.
I want you to know and understand that though the world will tell you, child, that you can decide what is right and wrong, and that you can pick and choose your beliefs like the pies and cakes at a potluck dinner, I want you to know you can’t.
That’s what being a Christ-follower is all about. It’s about us laying our hopes, our dreams, our values and beliefs, our identity and purpose for all that is and is to come, right down at His feet and trusting Him for all of it.
Though it’s hard and uncomfortable, and there’s too much busyness that gets in the way, I want to have these conversations with you. I need to have these conversations with you.
Raised Up To Be Ready
There will come a day when you will leave my house and will have to forge your faith in a harsh and callous world. I want you to be ready.
Proverbs 22:6 (NIV) encourages parents to, Train up a child in the way he should go; Even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Just like our Father wants each of us to be ready.
There He is waiting to talk with us, to pour Himself into us so that we are soaked in His love, His truth. And usually I’m right there scrolling through Facebook.
I get it. He wants me to rise up and be that strong woman, to say to the naysayers and the thrill-peddlers, No, that’s not who I am.I am the Beloved and He has so much more for me than that.
We’re all being raised up. Called to be set-apart. Molded into His image. So we can breathe a little hope into a hopeless world. Shine a little light into the pits of night. Be the hands and feet of Jesus to broken souls who are desperate to feel grace instead of contempt, and compassion instead of this world’s harsh condemnation.
2 Corinthians 3:18 (MSG) shares His beautiful hope for His children, Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.
We got such a work to do. You and me.
I know it’s hard, but in this age of technology and disconnect, pressure and busyness…
…it is time for each of us to rise.
About This Community
Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!
About Peace for a Lifetime
In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!
I’d love to talk with you. My heart is for you and not against you. I’ve felt your pain as the scabs of wounds both historic and present have been ripped off, leaving you fragile, bleeding, and longing for relief.
I want to understand your experience, your perspective so that I can continue to grow in my own. Perhaps this time in our country has brought us to a golden opportunity where, for the first time, we can talk as neighbors, as friends, as family, about the issue of race and move towards the healing and reconciliation for which we all long.
When you shared your experience a few weeks back about the pain associated with civil war monuments, I heard you. I get that your perspective of our history is stained with tears for what your ancestors endured, the struggles they faced. And faced against their will.
I want to hear more. I want to talk and share together our experiences of race today so that we can collectively heal and remove any shadow of racism that hides in this great land.
I know you long for white people like me to understand and validate your point of view. I realize there is a deep pain throbbing in your belly that longs to be heard. Acknowledged. Healed.
Yet when I asked if someone like me could love you, validate you, and at the same time hold my own perspective on our country’s history, you responded quickly and clearly, no.
Room For Two
So saddened in my heart, I ask myself, Where do we go from here?Is yours the only experience that matters? Is yours the only point of view that is valid? Or must I abandon myself entirely, my own history, my own identity, my own experiences, in order to show my love for you?
My heart breaks. I’ve learned in my experience as a therapist that the very concept of emotional health is the ability to hold onto ourselves—our identity, our beliefs and values, our passions and purpose—while being close to someone who may be different than us.
Could our relationship be a safe place for me, too?
How can we possibly hear each other, grow together, and learn from each other if our relationship is only safe for one of us?
When you asked me why white women don’t talk about race issues, I responded that most of us are afraid. It feels like a no-win proposition. No matter what we say, no matter what we do, at some point in the conversation (usually when we disagree,) we will be called a racist, a hater, a bigot.
Most of us are none of these things. The white women I know have a heart of gold, who love, who listen, who desperately want to be part of the solution. Yet, when you almost instinctively throw out labels and accusations, how are we able to hear you or join you? The answer is, we are not. Thus we remain stuck.
John Gottman, a psychologist and leading researcher on relationships describes name-calling as contempt, and one of the deadly Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships. Though we want to, we cannot hear you when you castigate us, demean us, and hurl names at us. We instantly feel unsafe, and our defenses rise up to protect us.
Please don’t label us. Even when we disagree. Don’t.
We will only heal as we learn to sit safely with each other. As we are able to listen to each other.
Listening Is A Two-Way Street
Would it be okay for me to speak in our conversations? Could my perspective be just as valued and needful to our healing as yours?
Could you listen to me? Me. A white woman. From the South.
We both have things to share. Important things. Needful things. Or is our conversation more of a diatribe than a sharing of hearts? A one-way street. A dead-end of sorts.
We will never find our way to the healing path as long as we’re stuck on dead-end roads.
I believe we both have things we need to learn from each other. We both have soul-wisdom that desperately needs to be experienced by each other.
You are right and lovely and beautiful about so many things, but are you right about everything? Could we share in our rightness? Is it possible that somehow I could be right, too?
Again, defensiveness, is another one of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse that will prevent any healing, destroy any hope of understanding. Coming together.
The Art of Respect
When I hear you repeatedly admire your intellect and your unique ability to gather accurate information while at the same time subtly insinuating that I may be less adept at gathering or understanding information, you dismiss and demean me.
Do you really feel that anyone who disagrees with you is incompetent? Do you really feel solely possessing of intellectual resources capable of analyzing information and distilling a qualified position?
Could we both analyze the same information and draw valid individual conclusions based on our unique set of individual filters, beliefs, and experiences?
The Road Called Redemption
So where is the road called Redemption? What is the legacy that our stories will tell? It could be beautiful, I know that. I pray for that.
Let’s write this next chapter together. It is the only way.
Our politicians—all of our politicians— use these issues for political gain. Must we let them win each and every time? Could we take back the issue from the political realm and begin to do the work, the real work of laying down our weapons and coming together as families, as friends, as neighbors, and as communities?
Our politicians want us to remain divided. Must we let them?
The issue of race will never be solved in this country politically. Race wounds will only be healed as we take them back, stop listening to the talking points, stop enflaming the hate-filled rhetoric from both sides on social media, and begin to sit down with one another.
Invite your neighbor into your home. Share a meal with them. Pray with them. Talk with them. Yes, talk. It will be uncomfortable. It will challenge us. It will strengthen us and make us better. Hopefully it will draw us together, if we allow it.
We must be respectful. No name-calling.
We must consider an experience different than our own.Each side has a valuable perspective.
Don’t just say your willing to listen. Listen.
We must take back the issue. Don’t leave if for the politicians.
I want you to know that you are not my enemy. Please don’t make me yours. Let's work together. Work. Dig in. Struggle. We can. We must. We will.
And we can overcome anything if we overcome…together.
So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation— if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good. As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.
First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus.
Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
Can we talk? This is for anyone who is ready to start the conversation on race so that we can find healing, and wholeness for our communities and our country.
Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!
About Peace for a Lifetime
In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!
I was sitting on my back porch a few weeks back, reading quietly while sipping on a hot cup of coffee. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed one of my juniper trees start to shake. All of a sudden, I saw what looked like a tiny round blob drop like a paperweight to the earth. It appeared lifeless, it exerted no movement —until right before it hit the ground, two small wings sprouted and the baby bird flew off excitedly into a nearby tree.
It took a second for me to realize there was even a bird’s nest in the tree, much less to determine that what I witnessed was the final moments of a baby bird’s effort to leave the nest. It wasn’t pretty. It didn’t look hopeful. In fact, everything told me that whatever it was would surely wind up as a splat at the bottom of the tree.
But it didn’t. As so many baby birds have done in the past, they all have a similar experience, a collective moment when they can no longer reside in the safe confines of the mama bird’s nest, when they must take that step into the unknown, and they must learn how to fly.
Interesting how different things have become for Millennials learning to fly today.
Recently Pew Research Center released a study stating that Millennial's most popular living arrangement is living at their parent’s house at 32.1%. Instead of cheering our children while they launch, instead of nudging them out of the nest, many parents these days appear horrified at the notion. It seems our ideal is to do everything we can to delay the move, to minimize the risk, and to make our Millennial’s transition to adulthood as seamless and as secure as possible. To remove any uncertainty, any challenges, and as a result, any growth.
How can we as parents know when our love for our children isn’t loving at all? How can we give them the greatest chance for success in life? And how can we know when it’s time for our adult children to move out? Here are three signs that it is time for your Millennial to leave the nest and learn to fly.
When They Stop Struggling
Growth is always a struggle. It’s not supposed to be easy. Developmentally, this is where resilience is cultivated, where our identity, our confidence in our competence, and our purpose in life are forged.
Participation trophies don’t give kids a strong self-concept. Doing kids' chores for them so they can sleep in doesn’t produce a strong, developed character capable of meeting their own physical, emotional, or spiritual needs. Only struggle, yes struggle prepares them to lean into life as well as their relationships in the midst of the storm without going under when the going gets tough.
Malcom Gladwell offered, A lot of what is most beautiful about the world arises from struggle.
Albert Bandura described that, In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, to struggle together with resilience to meet the inevitable obstacles and inequities of life.
So why do we parents remove every aspect of struggle from our children’s lives? Why do we desire for our children to remain fragile, weak and underdeveloped?
We need to begin seeing struggle as agift—a good gift at that. When they are not struggling, when there is no external battle for forward momentum and independence, it is time for our Millennials to leave.
Here are a few signs:
When they spend more time on the couch than we do, they are not struggling.
When they are not actively putting together and implementing a plan for school or work, they are not struggling.
When most of their day is spent sleeping, but their social life in the evening is busier than ever, they are definitely not struggling.
When they give you their grocery list and/or bills to pay, most likely they are not struggling.
When they don’t have money to pay for rent or the cell phone bill, but they have plenty of money for manicures, dinners out with friends, new clothes, new games, and other luxuries, they are not struggling.
When They Stop Growing
From the time we are born until the time we die, we should be growing. We were created to grow. In some way, we should be moving, learning, stretching, and healing whether we are 5 yrs old or 50 yrs old. Yet many Millennials today prioritize enjoyment in life over growth. When they are not actively growing, they become sapped of energy and creativity, drained of the very curiosity that would engage them, focus them, or give them passion for something that could become their purpose in life.
Purpose does not come upon us externally as a lightning bolt. Purpose is only cultivated within.
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Home should not become a breeding ground for stagnation. Home should provide fertile soil for our adult children to grow. If we do not see them actively growing, then it is time for them to go. A new environment with all of its struggles and challenges is most likely the perfect environment for them to persevere, to overcome, to build purpose and to thrive.
American psychologist, Abraham Maslow, stated, In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.
The question becomes, do we want our children to thrive, or are we more interested in them needing us? Do we get our sense of self as good parents by doing everything for our children, and for providing for all of their needs? Do we feel guilty that because we have been successful in life we owe our children a certain lifestyle? Are we afraid that if we don’t provide for our children, they will not figure things out?
Here are a few signs:
When it’s clear your child isn’t getting anywhere at work, they are not growing.
When your child has no definite educational, financial, or career goals with specific timelines, they are not growing.
When your child hasn’t offered to mow the lawn, do the dishes, clean the house, or run errands, they are not growing.
When your child isn’t developing healthy patterns and/or routines for eating, exercise, spiritual growth, or relationships, chances are they are not growing.
When your child continually demands their rights and freedoms while ignoring any responsibility or accountability, they are probably not growing.
When your child’s bank account does not increase by at least the monthly rent cost of a room or an apartment they would have rented, they are not growing.
When They Stop Dreaming
Many of our life’s accomplishments began as a dream. I remember dreaming as a teenager and young adult of everything I longed for in life. I dreamed of career aspirations, I dreamed of marriage and family life, experiences, travel, and a million other possibilities. Somewhere in the process of dreaming, opportunities to invest in my dreams usually came alive.
If our adult children are not actively dreaming, actively imagining what their lives could be, they will not be in a position to connect with opportunity should it arrive. They will feel uncertain, doubtful, overwhelmed. Many will struggle with anxiety and depression. Not having the active, accelerated psychological energy to move when a door opens will prevent them from engaging in the kinds of activities that will ultimately help them make their dreams come true.
When they are not dreaming, they are merely existing, and they will never muster the emotional energy it takes to leave. And no, gaming is not the same as dreaming. They should spend more time dreaming about their long-term goals than they do on immediate wants or needs.
Anais Nin said that, Dreams are necessary to life.
Poet and author, Victor Hugo, also stated that, Each man should frame life so that at some future hour fact and his dreaming meet.
If they are not actively invested in planting emotional, financial, and occupational seeds for their future, it is time to leave. If they are not intentionally pursuing their dreams, they will never move beyond their dependency on us into independent, dynamic adults.
Here are a few signs:
When their only dream is what you will be making for dinner, they are not dreaming.
When their dreams consist of what new video game, what new outfit, or what new vacation they want, they are not dreaming.
When most of their time, energy, and/or income is spent on entertainment, they are not dreaming.
When their greatest plans are about what they want right now instead of what they want for their lives later, they are not dreaming.
When they look to you to dream for them or provide their dreams to them, they are not dreaming.
We as parents love our children. We want them to succeed in life to build a bright and hopeful future. We must get out of the way.
Deuteronomy 7:9 (NIV) tells us, Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations…
We must recognize when our own emotional issues are preventing us from taking the steps we need to help our Millennials move into their future, and get help to deal with our own emotional issues.
We can help them. We can love them. Most of all, we can pray for them. We can lovingly nudge them out of our living room and into their life. We can. We must. They are counting on us!
Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!
About Peace for a Lifetime
In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!
Today’s post comes from our “Ask Lisa” feature, where readers submit questions they would like for me to address in an upcoming post. Anonymous writes, We recently caught our oldest son engaging in "stuff" online. Looking for some basic advice and help for our son.If you have a subject you would like me to address in the future, please submit your question here.
We don’t talk about it a lot. It is the silent epidemic that affects both adults and teens. It’s pornography. Many say it is not “if” someone you love will struggle with it, it is “when.” These days, the struggle with porn isn’t just limited to males. Recent studies show a dramatic increase in pornography usage in both women and adolescent girls.
Sad, huh? A 2014 Barna Group survey revealed the following demographic data regarding pornography use by American adults:
Among males 18-30 years old, 79% viewed pornography once per month and 63% viewed pornography greater than once per week.
Among males 31-49 years old, 67% viewed pornography once per month and 38% viewed pornography greater than once per week.
Among females 18-30 years old, 34% viewed pornography once per month and 19% viewed pornography more than once per week.
Among females 31-49 years old, 16% viewed pornography once per month and 8% viewed pornography greater than once per week.
A recent survey of American young people revealed that 51% of males and 32% of females claimed to have viewed pornography for the first time before they were 13 years old. Thirteen years old! In a 2012 Australian study of pornography use, men who were frequent pornography users said their first exposure was between the ages of 11 to 13 years old. A 2009 study in the Journal of Adolescent Health found that 85% of adolescent males and 50% of adolescent females had been exposed to pornographic material. These are our babies, our precious children. This is not just someone else’s issue.
Many say, Boys will be boys. What’s the big deal?—right? Wrong.
Pornography is having a profound affect on our teens. Science shows that exposure to violent pornography is associated with sexually aggressive behaviors in both adolescent and adult males. For young people, one study found that viewing sexually explicit web sites increased the likelihood of having more than one sexual partner. Porn also increased the likelihood of using alcohol and drugs during sexual activity.
Now we are seeing a direct linkage between teenage sexting —the sending of sexually explicit photos, images, text messages or e-mails using a mobile device— and pornography exposure. Many female teens who view pornography find themselves in relationships where they are exploited by their partner, feeling coerced to participate in sexual acts that they object to.
Pornography use by teens and young adults often leads to a distorted view of sexuality and its role in fostering healthy personal relationships. These distortions include the overestimation of the prevalence of sexual activity in the community, the belief that sexual promiscuity is normal, and the belief that sexual abstinence is unhealthy. These perspectives are likely to make it more difficult for young people to form lasting, meaningful relationships with the opposite sex, which ultimately results in more anxiety, depression, and overall life dissatisfaction.
The negative impact isn’t just for today, either. Pornography will have a negative effect on our teens later when they marry, creating unrealistic expectations for spouses and developing a reliance on heightened excitement and adrenaline spikes that normal sexual relationships cannot provide. The fantasy associated with porn causes individuals to lose interest in their spouses, forming a cycle of conflict and distance with their husbands or wives.
Parents need to understand the negative impact widespread use of pornography is having on today’s children so we can help stop this destructive influence and do our best to protect our teens. Here are six things we can do today.
Monitor Mobile Devices
Though I personally don’t believe in teens having their own mobile devices, most teens today do have cell-phones, I-pads, I-pods, etc. Mobile devices are one of the most common ways teens are accessing porn. While many families have web filters installed on their home computers, filters for tablets and phones are much less common.
Instead of using web filters that are only installed on your family computer, try installing filters at the entry-point into your home. There are many options for routers that filter any and all internet devices in your home, as well as other similar options.
Make sure ALL phones, tablets, computers and other electronic devices have parental controls to help eliminate access to inappropriate material and make sure electronic devices are used in public spaces only. Isolation is a breeding ground for inappropriate activity, whether texting with friends or accessing pornography.
Review YouTube Ads and Related Videos
Most kids today spend a lot of time on YouTube. Even though Google, the parent company of YouTube, has announced they will no longer allow pornographic ads on their ad services, their idea of inappropriate often looks a lot different than mine. One of the best options is AdBlock Plus, which not only turns off related videos, but also filters out ads and other questionable content.
Control Streaming Services
If you are one of the millions of families who have signed up for Netflix, Hulu+, or Amazon Prime, beware. All of the new streaming services make it extremely easy for teens to access material they shouldn't. Parents, take the time to look into each service’s filters and set up the controls you need to keep your family safe.
Evaluate Kids' Friends and Schoolmates
Our teens’ friends can be extremely difficult to monitor and control. What do you do when one of your child's schoolmates exposes your son or daughter to pornography? It’s hard to filter out a friend. You can't keep your child locked away forever in order to keep them away from problem kids.
The best prevention is to consistently instill in your children healthy Biblical principles of living a life honoring to God, having a strong enough sense of self to do the right thing even when no one else is looking, developing clear boundaries, and knowing what being a good friend looks like, even to those who are making poor choices.
Watch Out for Video games
Video games may seem harmless on the surface, but many have dangerous or inappropriate content inside. Regardless of the genre, it's important to be careful which games we allow in our homes. Parents must be proactive in determining which games you let your children play.
The ESRB rating system —"E for Everyone," "T for Teen," etc.— can be helpful, but even then parents need to use the ratings wisely. Sit down and play the games with your kids. Watch them play. Be certain their games comply with your family standards.
Oversee Apps like SnapChat, WhatsApp, Kik, and more
Apps are everywhere and our kids are finding new, more secretive ways of connecting than parents can keep up with. Don’t just assume that an app is safe or appropriate —investigate all of them. Have an ongoing conversation with your teens about what apps they use on their phones or tablets. Parents should have a no secret password policy where family members either forego the use of passwords on their devices or share their passwords with you, the parent.
As always, diligence is key. Parents need to take an inventory periodically of which apps your kids have downloaded, what they seem to spend most time on, and what the purpose or content of the app entails. If necessary, use a service like Screen Time Parental Controls which allows you to set time limits, block calls from strangers, and more.
What To Do If You Discover Your Teen Has Developed an Addiction to Porn
Sometimes we as parents find out about our child’s pornography usage and/or addiction after the fact. Please do not overlook the situation or think that because you have had the talk, everything is probably fine. It’s usually not.
Get your teen help. Find a good, Christian counselor that can work with them to understand and process through the distorted images they have seen, help them grow a strong sense of self built on strong core beliefs and values, assist them in developing healthy emotional regulation and impulse control, as well as identify the qualities of normal, healthy adult relationships.
Help your teen when they can’t help themselves. There are accountability programs like Covenant Eyes that will notify you and/or other accountability partners to help your teen stay safe. They can also benefit from support provided by SA groups for teens and other therapy groups.
At the end of the day, there's no perfect way to protect our children from the growing pornographic content they are bombarded with on a daily basis. What parents can do is be aware, be vigilant, be consistent, and be present.
Give your children and teens plenty of extra-curricular activities to help keep them invested in positive outlets. Instill in them the need for a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Model for them an active, dynamic faith. Give them the gift of love. Most of all, give them the gift of prayer.
Ephesians 6:12 (NIV) says, For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!
About Peace for a Lifetime
In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!
It was the perfect day for a wedding. Their eyes were filled with love and longing, their dreams diffused by the tint of their rose-colored glasses.
Those early years together tore through like a whirlwind. The first little house, the first bouncing baby, the first big job promotion—it was all exciting, almost intoxicating—as if they were writing the opening chapters of a romance novel.
They dreamed about how they would build their lives together. The sacrifices we make today will pay off in the end, they told themselves. One day we will have the dream. One day we’ll be living the dream.
It was all too good to be true, really. Whether it was the jobs, the moves, the kids, or the in-laws, without a whisper or a knock, the distance began to steal into their relationship and pull them apart.
One day she recognized they no longer looked at one another, no longer sat on the back porch with their fingers intertwined, unwinding together as the sun stole beneath the horizon. There were many 'no longer’s,' she pondered.
Many couples start their marriage with a spark and a fire that feels like forever only to wake up one day to the reality that emotionally, they are barely existing on fumes. We would never expect a fire to burn without something to fan the flame, but when there’s nothing left of our love but a few cold embers, we’re left wondering how we ever got to this place? We long to heal the distance and find our way back to one another.
Here are three signs your marriage could be emotionally bankrupt-
The absence of feelings
We have believed the lie that feelings are bad, that showing or expressing feelings is a sign of unforgivable weakness. When we first started dating, sharing feelings was different. Things felt so safe, so real. We were curious about anything and everything that had to do with our mate. Expressing emotions was as natural as the slow inhale before we said, I love you. Yet if we’re honest, most of our feelings back then were positive, as they should have been. We were in the slow waltz of falling in love.
Over time, however, once the honeymoon passes and we come face to face with many of the startling and messy realities of human connection, negative feelings begin to mount and we no longer feel as safe with our partner as we did during our courtship. In that moment, many couples slowly start to shut down, turn away, and avoid the other’s gaze.
We hide behind superficial exchanges and pale routines, focusing instead on the children, the schedules, and the responsibilities. The only feelings that crowd our hearts are the feelings of anger and resentment, the feelings of pure pain and rejection that we can barely stifle as we sit silently eating dinner, coolly conversing about everything and nothing at all.
When was the last heart-to-heart conversation you had with your husband or wife that didn’t include anger, accusations, or criticism? Do your primary interactions with your spouse center around the schedules and tasks of the day? How can you begin to share your deepest feelings, fears, and self with your mate?
You can foster resilience in your relationship today by engaging your feelings, not shutting them down. Take a risk, lean in and share. Don’t expect anything in return. Whether we get back what we think we want or need, we create opportunities for courage to flourish and intimacy to grow, simply by sharing.
Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.
A lack of compassion
We all long for a safe place to land, a place where we can be seen and heard, a place where we can be accepted for who we are—our strengths and our weaknesses, a place where we can take risks and explore fresh curiosities. In what should be the safest space for us to heal and grow, our marriages often become battlefields where we simply try to avoid getting hit by the next round of fire.
We live in a world where compassion is scarce and criticism, control, and shame abound. Our relationships measure our imperfections, our failures and inadequacies. Because we are too afraid to own our individual shortcomings, we become masters at pointing out everyone else’s.
There is little room to risk when there is no compassion. Little desire to become vulnerable when so much of our safety is at stake. Little courage to engage when the sting of rejection looms so large in our hearts and our minds.
We can foster compassion in our relationships by first learning how to be compassionate with ourselves. When we embrace our own belovedness, our worth, when we stop striving so hard for the unattainable and start giving ourselves a path towards acceptance, wholeness, and creativity, only then can we offer compassion to our spouses.
Can you begin to offer yourself more compassion, more kindness as you move through your day? Can you begin to offer your spouse compassion as they walk on their journey? Can you cheer them, comfort them, or encourage them? Can you offer them the same kindness you would like to be shown, even if they fail to acknowledge it or even reciprocate it?
So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
The absence of meaning
In a recent article, psychologists Gary Reker and Phillip Wong, defined meaning as, The cognizance of order, coherence and purpose in one's existence, the pursuit and attainment of worthwhile goals, and an accompanying sense of fulfillment. Meaning can help buffer against despair, withdrawl, and isolation. Existential psychiatrist Viktor Frankl believed the need for meaning was a crucial force in people, from the time they were born until their last breath.
Meaning is the glue that connects the experiences of our lives in a story. Our shared story creates intimacy and closeness in our relationships. Meaning allows us to endure hardship and overcome suffering. Meaning weaves two hearts into one.
When couples shut down their feelings, when they shut down compassion, they inevitably shut down the meaning birthed from the narrative they author about their lives and their relationship. They stifle the fulfillment that comes from dreaming about their futures, their children and grandchildren. As a result, intimacy evaporates and as the emotional bankruptcy settles in, there is little to hold them together, little to fuel the connection their relationship requires in order to thrive.
Brene Brown shares the importance of meaning in our relationships by stating, Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.
The life of Christ models for us a life built on meaning and connection. As Jesus walked with His disciples from city to city, preaching and performing miracles, at times encountering hardship and rejection, they created meaning for themselves on their journeys, and meaning for us today. How important it is for each of us in our relationships to dare to lean in, share our emotions, and create a rich narrative, in a way that strengthens us for the journey ahead. Disconnection and distance destroys. Meaning magnifies. It strengthens our collective roots.
Can you begin to engage your spouse and share your struggles? Can you create a collective narrative based on your mutual beliefs and values in a way that strengthens your connection? Can you dare to dream again? Can you re-imagine and re-create your life together?
Many individuals keep waiting for their partner to change before they will change, further continuing the cycle of emotional bankruptcy, distance, and despair. You don’t have to wait on anyone for you to face your fear and take the chance to lean in. Healing begins with one person who is willing to reach toward courage, wholeness, and Emotional Abundance.
As you learn to express more feelings (other than anger), as you create more compassion in your own heart and with each other, and as you cultivate greater meaning from your shared stories, you may wake up to discover your relationship becoming richer with connection and intimacy. You may find your marriage growing into a safe a place for you to heal and grow on your individual journey. And you may cultivate a new way forward that not only protects your marriage from becoming emotionally bankrupt, but allows you to experience an abundance you never knew existed.
Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!
About Peace for a Lifetime
In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!
Yes, I heard it a lot growing up. The word no. It’s such a little word with a lot of influence on parents and kids.
No, you cannot watch television all day.
No, you may not skip dinner.
No, you may not use the car.
This word has fallen out of vogue in many families, almost like an old shoe that no longer fits. We've opted for a more friendly, egalitarian approach to raising our kids. We read all of the parenting books that told us somehow we could raise kids with full, tender hearts and no wounds. We learned to flitter around like butterflies and protect our little ones from any heartache or disappointment that a bad grade or a missed field goal would inflict. In the process we removed the word no from our vocabulary, as if in removing the word, we would remove any broken promises or tear-stained moments from their lives.
We know that many times we say no too often and too easily. We know when it's always on the tip of our tongue and right on the surface of our heart, the word no renders it less effective. We know that used in anger and frustration, this word can destroy a child’s soul and dim the flicker of hope in their eyes.
What I am coming to believe, though, is that by never saying no, we as parents are becoming increasingly overprotective. As a result, we are producing children who have a belly full of I want's, that's not fair's, and I deserve's that leave them emotionally starving, fragile, and ill-equipped for the real world. Because they have never had to feel what it feels like to stumble and fall, nor build the I can attitude that comes from persevering in the face of obstacles and opposition, they are in essence, set up to fail.
In a recent HuffPost article, Lori Freson, M.A., LMFT says, News flash: Kids need you to say ‘no.’ Children are not emotionally or developmentally equipped to make major decisions or rules, or to self-regulate. That’s your job. And if you don’t do it, your child will feel a sense of confusion and internal chaos.
I know we're all doing our best to make it through the day, but perhaps we need a different perspective on our parenting. As Dr. Robin Berman, Los Angeles-based psychiatrist and author states, Parenting is not a democracy; it's a benevolent dictatorship. While we need to listen better so that we can hear our kid's emotional heartbeat, we also need to stand firm when we draw boundaries for respect and responsibility, if we want our children to dream big dreams and see them come to life.
[clickToTweet tweet="Parenting is not a democracy; it's a benevolent dictatorship. _Dr. Robin Berman" quote="Parenting is not a democracy; it's a benevolent dictatorship. _Dr. Robin Berman"]
Proverbs 3:11-12 (NIV) says, My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.
There are four reasons our children NEED to hear the word no:
They need to learn how to respect others.
Many young adults today have little respect in their hearts. They've had a lifetime of training that has led them to believe they possess equal power and position to the adults in their lives. Focused primarily on getting what they want, they resist respecting their parents, grandparents, teachers, or coaches based on their position of authority in their lives. You can hear it from teenagers all around— I respect my parents when they let me do what I want to do.
The problem is that as these kids of ours become adults, if they have not been taught a healthy respect for authority, they will always be fighting against someone—their bosses, their spouses, and yes, even God. By saying no to them now, we are allowing them to learn firsthand how to respect us as the God-given authority in their lives. And yes, we are also teaching them how to respect God. What a world of blessing to them as they start building their lives in a complex world filled with even more complex relationships.
Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor. I Peter 2:17 (NIV)
They need to learn that the world owes them nothing.
Most of us have experienced having to live with no’s in our lives—whether they are no’s to our career ambitions, to our hopes and dreams, even to our health and wellbeing. It doesn’t take too long in adulthood to realize that no can be a common, if not undesirable theme.
When kids get everything they want, they get entitled, and when they get entitled, they get selfish, according to Britney at Equipping Godly Women. If we want our children to thrive, they need to experience what no feels like so they can develop better self-reliance and resilience, both necessary traits to successfully accomplish their goals in life. Children who never hear no's are rarely grateful for the yes’s in their lives.
[clickToTweet tweet="Children who never hear no's are rarely grateful for the yes’s in their lives." quote="Children who never hear no's are rarely grateful for the yes’s in their lives."]
So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’ Luke 17:10 (NIV)
They need to learn to recognize warning signs to danger.
If children are never told no, they fail to develop some important internal cues that will protect them from potentially harmful or dangerous situations. Whether it is, No, don’t touch the hot stove, or No, don’t play in the street, parents need to remember that children are not small adults. They have not yet fully developed advanced cognitive reasoning skills needed to assess risk and employ protective strategies. It is our job to teach them.
By placing limits and saying no, children learn to recognize early signals to potential danger and develop the necessary skills to keep themselves safe. They are better at learning whom to trust, and when to trust, experiencing less heartache and disappointment from learning how to deal with toxic people and situations.
The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty. Psalm 22:3 (NIV)
They need to learn to regulate their emotions.
Many times parents avoid telling their children no, not because it is right or called for but because they fear upsetting them. They fear disappointing them. They fear losing their love. Fear of our children and their moods should never be the guiding factor behind our parenting.
Our children need to feel the pangs of disappointment that come from no and learn to sort through the most uncomfortable, even hurtful emotions more effectively. We cannot spend our lives trying to protect them from every pain and discouragement that comes along. We CAN prepare them to deal well in any situation life will bring.
Romans 8:28 (NIV) says, We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.
Psalms 42:11 (NIV) states, Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.
I am not suggesting we become tyrants or overuse our no’s. We need to also reach into their tender hearts and listen to hopes and dreams that don't have words, and unpack the wounded moments that they are, in their own way, trying to share. Yet I do believe we can use our no's appropriately and effectively to help our children develop skills such as self-reliance, self-discipline, respect, integrity and a host of other crucial character traits. Let’s learn to use our no’s wisely and calmly so we can strengthen and fortify our children, thus empowering their lives and futures.
Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!
About Peace for a Lifetime
In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!
So here's the thing— Joanne Kraft isn't an ordinary southern girl. Joanne is a California transplant to the hills of Tennessee, and she's got a powerful message for all parents out there — you can turn a "mean mom's" parenting into amazing children. She knows. She's got four kids of her own. She writes and speaks around the country and I'm thrilled to have my dear friend join the "Peace For A Lifetime" Community today!
Like the rest of the free world, I’m disgusted by what’s happening. Our political climate is like watching a bunch of toddlers without naps.
I’ve turned off the TV. Stopped going on Facebook and pretty much anything that allows me to see or hear this insanity.
We’ve lost the art of conversation and respect for other people’s views.
We’re just not willing to listen anymore.
How disrespectful is that?
Faith…teaches us not merely to tolerate one another, but to respect one another–to show regard to different views and the courtesy to listen. –George W. Bush, Inaugural Address 2001
Teaching Your Child To Listen
“My daughter just doesn’t respect me. What can I do? She shouts at me and doesn’t listen to a word I say.”
This is the question I get most. Parents want to know how to instill respect in their children—especially when having a conversation.
Let me ask you this, it’s a question that will answer alot…
How do you model conversation with someone who believes differently than you do?
How do you act when your husband and you disagree? How do you talk about him when he’s not around? What about your mother-in-law? How do you talk about her? How do you act when you don’t get your way?
It matters.
Toddlers who throw tantrums become adults who do the same if we don’t teach them another way.
Kids want to be heard. They want to know their thoughts and ideas matter.
Adults do, too.
The problem is, when you’re raising kids there can only be one government and that government is called Mom and Dad.
It’s actually more like a benevolent dictatorship.
How Our Kids Talk Around The Dinner Table
I believe the best parents raise kids into adults who use logic and respect to share their beliefs and opinions and then LISTEN to ours.
When our kids were all little and around our kitchen table at night, they shared in the conversation with thoughts and ideas and stories that didn’t always make sense to us.
Still, we listened.
As they grew older, their ideas got a little kooky sometimes. (Teenagers, remember?) So, we’d engage with logic and truth. We’d ask them follow up questions, “Who told you that? Why do you believe that source? Do you know anyone else who had this experience?”
That sort of thing.
Respecting another person is simply admitting that God is big enough to love him or her just as much as he loves me. –Stephen Arterburn
There is much freedom of thought in our home and if anything, we taught them to be strong in what they believed. To have an answer that made sense and was factual was encouraged. If they spouted off with rhetoric we held them accountable and asked them to think critically about what they just said. Critical thinking is lacking in so many parenting classes these days. .
Parents walk a fine line between teaching respect and response. We teach a child to respect the higher office of “parent” and instruct them to respond in a way that will be heard.
I make sure my kids understand their words carry a whole lot more weight if they are respectful with their delivery.
Why?
Because tantrums don’t work.
Name calling doesn’t work.
Shouting down Mom and Dad will never persuade us.
Ever.
Here’s a few things you can do to build teach your child the art of respectful conversation:
Teach them to use their words. Speaking just to shout or cry is not helpful. Sharing feelings is important, so start there.
Teach your child to listen. Stand or sit eye to eye with your child and take turns talking and listening, especially listening.
Acknowledge their feelings/words.“I think I heard you say that you’re not ready for a nap.” Or, “What you’re telling me is that you’re frustrated with your curfew and want to stay out later.” It’s important a child knows they’ve been heard.
It’s not personal. When their words do not persuade you to change your mind, make sure you remind them it’s not personal. I’d say something like, “You just explained yourself perfectly. I understand a lot better now why you want a later curfew. I really do, but I also have something you don’t yet have—adult perspective. I can see a bigger picture than just the curfew. I know you may not understand why I’m still not persuaded—but know this, I appreciate how you shared your heart with me and I love you very, very much.”
Respect is a character trait for success.
Why is respect so important?
Because, how my children treat me is how they’ll treat their teachers, future employers and eventually their spouses.
[clickToTweet tweet="How my children treat me is how they’ll treat their teachers, future employers and their spouses." quote="How my children treat me is how they’ll treat their teachers, future employers and their spouses."]
My kids are taught to respect all positions of authority but most importantly all people, period. There’s a difference between respecting a person and respecting their office or position.
I teach this because I was taught this by my own parents.
My Lesson In Respect Began In High School
My sophomore year in high school I had an algebra teacher who grabbed me by my jacket and sat me down in my chair.
A total jerk, right?
Okay, I may have been getting a D in the class and I may have been a bit chatty–my memory is a bit cloudy…
My three-tours-in-Viet-Nam-USMC-father called said teacher and gave him the “what for” and I silently listened from the family room.
Thinking to myself, Woohoo! Dad’s on my side!
When he got off the phone I overheard him tell my mom how much he didn’t respect the guy. Then he called for me, “Joanne!”
I almost skipped into the kitchen.
“I just spoke with your teacher. He won’t help you sit in your chair anymore. And, you’re on restriction for two weeks until we see your grade is up in his class.”
“What!? But Dad, I thought I heard you just tell Mom you didn’t like him?”
“I may not like him but he’s your teacher and from what he just shared with me, you’ve not been the best student in his class and your grade reflects that.”
The position my teacher held was to be respected. While I never respected my teacher personally, I was taught I could tolerate a lot when I didn’t like someone–even where algebra was concerned.
Teach your child to respect a position if they can’t respect a person. Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 1Peter 2:17
[clickToTweet tweet="Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 1Peter 2:17" quote="Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 1Peter 2:17"]
This is how my kids have been able to have conversations and even friendships with people from China, India, Russia, Australia, Africa, and not just other cultures but other belief systems; agnostics, Buddhists, atheists, Hindus and more.
I have to constantly remind myself my kids are watching. What I model is what I’ll see. Instead of blocking bridges or shouting down someone who might think completely opposite of how I think and believe, I’m teaching my kids to engage in conversation and respect ALL people.
It’s this process where they’ll learn to love them, too.
Scriptures About Respecting Others
Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10
[clickToTweet tweet="Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10 " quote="Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10 "]
Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4
“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12
Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and forsake not your mother's teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck. Proverbs 1:8-9
A Little About Joanne
Joanne Kraft is a mom of four and the author of The Mean Mom’s Guide to Raising Great Kids and Just Too Busy—Taking Your Family on a Radical Sabbatical. She’s been a repeat guest on Focus on the Family, Family Life Today and CBN. Her articles have appeared in ParentLife, Today’s Christian Woman, In Touch, Thriving Family, P31 Woman and more. Joanne and her husband, Paul, once lifelong Californians, moved their family to Tennessee. They’ve happily traded soy milk and arugula for sweet tea and biscuits.
Four Ways We Need To Change Our Perspective On Our Problems
Have you ever felt slimed by an email? I mean, have you ever gotten an email that oozes with shame, judgment, and anger – all ‘in the name of Jesus?’ Ever felt the sting of someone else’s defenses because you wouldn’t tell them what they wanted to hear, abandon your boundaries, or share in their drama?
It began with an email I received from an acquaintance who had gotten caught up in a series of poor choices, followed by some fairly unpleasant consequences. They were angry that I wouldn’t let them off the hook. They expected me to give in. They demanded I show them grace.
Didn’t they know the difficult road I have walked to conquer my fears, heal my wounds, and develop the ability to even have a boundary, much less enforce one?
I do understand. We all at some point want, perhaps even expect someone else to let us off the hook from honoring our word or our responsibilities. I have been there. Even this week as I realized how over-scheduled I was, I wanted to bail on something, anything, that would give me a little more downtime, a little more breathing room. I recognized that I had not done a good job at drawing boundaries and I was left to pay the price. I was over-leveraged and severely under-nurtured. I wanted to be let out of honoring my word. I wanted someone else to solve my problem.
We grow myopic in our perspective, we believe our situation is ‘special,’ and we are all left battered and bruised by the disappointed expectations we have from just about everyone in our lives. When is our word our word? When do we shine Christ by allowing those in our world to see that we honor our commitments, we follow-through, we are trustworthy?
We honor our commitments, even when it is difficult, expensive, or inconvenient. Michael Hyatt
Our faith and our character grow as we look to God to rescue us in our mess, not look to others to rescue us from our mess. God does allow others to be a part of our healing story, yet God should be at the center of our healing story. Grace is never demanded, only freely given, when God prompts.
[clickToTweet tweet="We should look to God to #rescue us in our mess, not look to others to rescue us from our mess." quote="We should look to God to rescue us in our mess, not look to others to rescue us from our mess."]
[clickToTweet tweet="Others can be a part of our #healing story, yet #God should be at the center of our healing story. " quote="Others can be a part of our healing story, yet God should be at the center of our healing story. "]
Instead we think to ourselves…
Surely, she’ll understand…
But my situation is different…
If she was more Christ-like, she would…
These are lies, all lies we tell ourselves to keep us believing that we are the victims and that other people are ruthless tyrants, holding us back or keeping us down. In truth, we are not victims, as I’ve come to recognize on my own broken, uneven journey.
No one is responsible for our poor choices but us. No one is evil or selfish for maintaining their boundaries. Really.
We are destroying the power of our testimony at the hands of our selfishness. We are clamoring, scurrying, demanding our agenda be served, our need be honored, and in the process we’re losing our strength, our relationships, and our witness. Scripture describes this in both the Old and New Testaments, powerfully saying,
If a man vows a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. Numbers 30:2, ESV
But whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him. 1 John 2:5, ESV
What you gain from not honoring your word in the short-term is miniscule compared with what you will lose in your character and reputation. A house divided against itself cannot stand. When we lose sight of the larger picture, the incongruity of our words and actions will destroy our foundation as well as any kingdom work we might undertake. Here are some other options we can all consider whenever we feel backed into a corner:
Look within to find the answers to our problems.
We need to memorize the words in Psalm 46:1 that say, God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Someone else cannot be the answer to our problems. Only God can be our refuge, our covering, our strength. Only He can hold us and sustain us, giving us understanding, wisdom and direction in the midst of our circumstances. We diminish God’s power and our own resilience when we depend solely on external means to resolve our problems. God has a miracle for you. It just might not come in the form you expect or perhaps demand.
Spend more energy in learning from our mistakes rather than trying to get out of them.
Sometimes we make choices born of emotion, impulsive reactions, honest means. When these choices bring untimely or unfortunate consequences, God allows the consequences as a natural expression of His love. He often uses the circumstances in our lives to teach us, to impart wisdom, and to mature us for our future steps in life. He has called each of us for a purpose. He needs to grow us and prepare us for whatever lies ahead. The only tragic mistake is the wasted mistake.
[clickToTweet tweet="The only tragic mistake is the wasted mistake. #PeaceforaLifetime" quote="The only tragic mistake is the wasted mistake."]
Look outside of our perspective to see someone else’s perspective.
Because someone is not able to give us what we want doesn’t mean they are wrong, unloving, or un-Christlike. There is another side, another perspective. We all are naturally attuned to our unique viewpoint, yet we limit our growth when we fail to acknowledge or understand another person’s perspective or boundaries. Look beyond your thoughts, feelings, wants and needs, to show respect and consideration for the thoughts, feelings, wants and needs of someone else.
Show respect for other’s boundaries.
Yes, other people have boundaries, too. Boundaries are not just meant to keep us safe, they are meant to help others take care of themselves as well. Being a Christian does not mean being a doormat. Being a Christian means that we listen to the Holy Spirit inside of us and learn to honor His leading. It means we learn to develop and enforce healthy boundaries for ourselves in order to more wisely and powerfully invest ourselves in the work to which God has called us. It means we are sensitive to knowing the situations where He wants us to participate, as well as situations where He has not called us to participate.
In my new book Peace For A Lifetime, I share more about the skills we need to cultivate a life of abundance and peace. Life doesn’t simply happen to us. We can develop new ways of living, not just for ourselves, but for the future of our children and our families.
If you’d like to learn more about the book, click here.
As we do these things – look within, learn from our mistakes, see another point of view, and show respect for other’s boundaries – we will be shining a great light of God’s glory, His love, His power from the testimony of His provision and handiwork in our lives. We will be living as the body was intended to live. We will be bearing much fruit. We will be living lives of abundance. We will experience indestructible peace.
Have you ever felt the sting of someone else’s defenses? Ever been battered because of your boundaries?
I’d love to hear your comments.
About Lisa
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My hope is to provide a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I now live just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN with my husband and Shih-tzu, Sophie.
About Peace for a Lifetime
In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I have discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!
Growing up, my mother always told me that life wasn’t fair. Aside from the truth that Jesus loves me, this may have been one of her greatest gifts to me.
It seems that so much energy is wasted trying to make every aspect of every moment “fair” for our children that we never teach them how to become resilient human beings, to develop an internal reservoir of strength and determination that will enable them to overcome the inevitable obstacles that life will bring.
Resilience is a quality that helps us not only manage stress in our lives, but motivates and energizes us toward achieving our goals and living our dreams. The APA defines resilience as, “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress.” It is the ability to "bounce back" from difficult experiences.
Giving our children the belief that life “should” be fair only cripples them from focusing on their strengths or their goals, and leaves them feeling helpless to achieve their hopes and dreams in life. What’s more, it prevents them from ever growing a sense of self that comes from accomplishing difficult tasks and replaces an excitement about the future with an anxious uncertainty about the next step ahead. No wonder our children don’t want to leave home!
We can change the course for our children’s lives and our own lives. We can foster resilience in all areas of life. We first have to let go of needing life to be fair.
There are eight ways we can begin instilling resilience in our children.
Teach them to nurture themselves. Developing the practice of nurturing ourselves can keep our mind and body not only calm, but prepare us to deal with whatever situations come our way. We can teach our children how to have quiet “me-time” without earbuds or technology, so they can learn to care for themselves well, learn to connect with their emotions, and sort through their day.
Encourage them to cultivate a positive view of themselves. This does not mean false praise, nor does it mean telling lies. We know the difference and our children know the difference. Developing confidence in our ability to solve problems and trusting our instincts helps build resilience. We can encourage our children in their ability to overcome, to solve problems and to figure things out without rushing to the rescue to figure out their problems for them.
Help them learn to keep things in perspective. Even when facing challenges or painful situations, trying to view them within the broader context of our life and our faith can help avoid blowing the event out of proportion and help keep our focus on what we can control. Allowing our children see the big picture is significant. When every problem seems catastrophic, life begins to feel overwhelming and outside of their control. Eventually, they simply give up.
Show them how to maintain a hopeful outlook. Having hope can change everything in life. Hope enables us to believe that good things will happen in our lives, to believe that God is at work, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. We can instill a hopeful outlook in our children by encouraging them to look beyond the immediate circumstances to discover the potential meaning or purpose in them. Though we cannot force their faith, we can help them nurture, not just a religious set of traditions and rules, but a deep and meaningful relationship that will give them strength and resilience in the most trying of times.
Model for them the importance of building relationships. Relationships with close family members, friends or others are important. While we all need alone-time, we were intentionally created for connection. Do not isolate. Accepting help and support from those who care about you and will listen to you strengthens resilience. Encourage your children to get involved in your church, school, and community. Learning to serve others develops their ability to see outside of themselves and nurtures empathy and compassion for others.
Help them accept that change is a part of living. Certain goals may not always be attainable as a result of adverse situations. We all have limitations. We all have roadblocks, fair or not. Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed can help your children focus on steps they can alter. Focusing on fairness saps the energy that may be more effective in looking for flexible alternatives.
Empower them to move toward their goals. When life seems unfair and we feel stuck, that is a great time to identify small steps we can take towards a goal and move forward. When faced with challenges it can be easy to detach and wish them away. Instead, we can encourage our children to understand that taking steps, even small ones will build forward momentum toward achieving their goals.
Nurture a mind-set of self-discovery. We often learn something about ourselves as a result of our struggles. Those who have endured great hardship often discover a greater sense of strength and vulnerability, an increased sense of self-worth, as well as a more dynamic faith and heightened appreciation for life.
[clickToTweet tweet="Letting go of the fairness trap allows us to grow a resilient, indomitable spirit within our kids." quote="Letting go of the fairness trap allows us to grow a resilient, indomitable spirit within our kids."]
In my new book Peace For A Lifetime, I share more about the skills we need to cultivate a life of abundance and peace. Life doesn’t simply happen to us. We can develop new ways of living, not just for ourselves, but for the future of our children and our families.
If you’d like to learn more about the book, click here.
We don’t need life to be fair for our children. What we need is for our children to be strong enough and resilient enough to face whatever challenges come their way and be able to move forward productively, in building the life of their dreams.
How have you fallen into the fairness trap? Are there tips you've found to foster resilience in your kids? I’d love to hear your comments.
About Lisa
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My hope is to provide a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I now live just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN with my husband and Shih-tzu, Sophie.
About Peace for a Lifetime
In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I have discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!
I'm honored to be guest posting today at my dear friend, Kelly Balarie's place, Purposeful Faith. She has been a fearless and passionate follower of Christ, leader, and cheerleader in the online community. Let's show her our community love and support by visiting her site and share, share, share the post on Facebook and Twitter.
It was the tipping point. The beginning of the fall. No, it wasn’t a crash, a sudden impact dive that you didn’t see coming. I saw this coming. I could feel it making its way toward me and yet, I was entirely helpless to stop it.
It was a slow, distinct unraveling. That moment where you can feel the wheels teetering ever so slightly out of balance until the whole thing comes unhinged. My heart, that is.
This was the season of my undoing..... To read the rest of the article, click here!!!
Somehow we may think, Donald Trump may be the most influential person in his relationships, but certainly we could never be the most influential person in our relationships.
We can come up with all the reasons why we could never be that influential —our past, our failures, our weaknesses, our fears. Surely the people around us with whom we are in relationship, they would certainly be more influential than us. Right?
Wrong. We are the most influential person in our relationships because we are the only people we are capable of changing or influencing.
Our ability to create a life of Emotional Abundance and peace is almost entirely up to us. When we commit to seek God and His healing, we will find both. Jeremiah 29:13 (NIV) states, You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. The Emotional Abundance we experience as a result will overflow and impact all of our relationships.
If you’ve ever felt helpless or hopeless in your relationships, God has so much more in store for you! He longs for you to know His peace in every relationship in your life.
Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that shares why you are the most influential person in your relationships.
We all have tendencies toward certain defense mechanisms we learned early on to keep us safe or perhaps even to survive. Those defense mechanisms will destroy the fabric and beauty of any relationship. They will undermine the safety, respect, and trust that every relationship needs to thrive.
Once we become aware of our defenses, we are empowered to begin building new ways to engage in our relationships. We can keep ourselves safe no matter what. We can open ourselves to hear another’s experience, and we can open ourselves to sharing our experience. We can communicate calmly, clearly, and directly. We can lay aside our need to defend, our need to win at all costs, and even our need to change our partner. As we do, we will learn we can come into safe contact with others and enjoy the process of building relationship.
We are the key. We own responsibility for ourselves in our communication, our life, and our relationships. We cannot ask or require another person to take responsibility for our safety, happiness, or well-being. This is the essence of our work with ourselves and God. Our relationships are merely the canvas on which we get to practice and experiment.
We can never blame another for our lack of, whether a lack of safety, a lack of peace, or a lack of having our needs met. The responsibility for us ultimately lies with us. We are in charge of our safety, peace, even our needs. If something must come from another, we are in charge of using our voice to speak our thoughts, feelings, and needs in a healthy, respectful way.
We do not even need our partners or friends to be healthy in order for us to be healthy. Many people give up and say that they cannot use healthy communication if their partner doesn’t use healthy communication; that they cannot change unless their partner is willing to change.
If our health or emotional wellbeing is dependent upon what another person does or does not do, on what they promise to do or not to do, our emotional health is on shaky ground. The more I am able to shift my focus from someone else as the key to my peace, to me as the key to my peace, the more likely I am to find peace. The person over whom I have the greatest amount of control and influence is me.
What freeing news! Indeed, we are the most influential person in our relationships. Don’t buy into the notion that you could never change. You can. You will. He will —change your life from the inside out. That alone will influence ALL of your relationships.
I share simple, practical life steps in my book, Peace For a Lifetime, that can help you understand the life God desires for you. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!
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We all believe we have great communication skills. It is everyone else around us who has the communication problems, right?
The truth is, most of us are not taught how to communicate effectively. We see things, feel things, perceive things from our unique perspective and we assume others see, feel, and perceive things just like we do. When they don’t, we feel frustrated, ignored, unheard.
If we want to have healthy, satisfying relationships, we must learn healthy communication skills.
Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that shares how poor communication can destroy a relationship.
Several years ago I was working with a middle-aged couple, Rick and Audrey, who had been married for fifteen years. As I questioned Audrey to learn more about what wasn’t working in their relationship, she openly shared her frustration with Rick. From her perspective, he just wasn’t willing to meet her needs. Her primary complaints were Rick’s lack of affection and lack of help around the house. I followed up by asking what she had done previously to address her concerns with Rick. She replied she had told him repeatedly he was selfish and didn’t care about her at all.
Rick for his part, was mostly silent during my initial conversation with Audrey. He seemed frustrated and angry just hearing her complaints. When I addressed him to find out his concerns, his only response was, “Her.” He described he is usually attentive and doesn’t go out with his buddies to drink; he just doesn’t know what her problem is. “I think when she gets like this, she’s just crazy,” he explained. “I should have known she’d be just like her mother. This really has nothing to do with me. I’m just here to get her the help she needs.”
I asked Audrey if she had ever shared with Rick her specific complaints and how she felt about them. She replied he should know. “If he loves me, he should know the things that are important to me and should try to meet my needs.”
While I understood Audrey’s perspective and her frustration with the dynamic at work between the two of them, thinking that Rick was able to somehow know what her needs were if she was not able to communicate them clearly was a stretch.
To be honest, most of us at some point have had the experience of expecting or assuming someone should know something about us even though we have never communicated our thoughts or feelings to them. So often we carry hurts and frustrations regarding unmet needs that we have never spoken.
This illustration shows, among other things, how poorly Rick and Audrey communicate with one another. In her attempt at communicating, Audrey accuses Rick of being selfish, of not loving her or trying to meet her needs. Rick feels defensive and lashes back by placing the blame on Audrey, calling her names, and belittling both her and her mother. None of this communication is healthy and none of their interactions will bring Emotional Abundance (EA)—being able to effectively manage our emotions so we can appropriately respond to the people and circumstances around us—to the relationship.
Your relationships don’t have to be the source of such frustration. You don’t have to feel so alone with your partner. You can learn effective communication skills that will breathe new life and new hope into your relationship.
I share simple, practical life steps in my book, Peace For a Lifetime, that can help you understand the life God desires for you. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!
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Most of us find little use in dissecting our past and dredging up old childhood memories. We wonder, “What does that have to do with the mess I’m in today?” “What good can possibly come from talking about my childhood?”
For many, their family life growing up was less than ideal, and brings up painful memories that have long since been buried. Or so we thought.
Much of our life today, from how we handle stress, how we interact in relationships, to the things we believe about ourselves, about others, about God is directly shaped from our experiences within our families growing up.
We cannot outrun it, we cannot forget it. We are powerful to heal the wounds from our past and move past them as we learn to come face to face with them. Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that shares the importance of dealing with our childhood wounds so that we can build a life for ourselves and our children, that is uniquely different, emotionally abundant and peace-filled.
From the time we open our eyes in the morning, we are constantly coming into contact with people—whether they share our bed, our house, our neighborhood, our office, or our church. At the point we make contact, something unique happens. A spark ignites, a reciprocity of energy is exchanged, and a dynamic is created.
Our best understanding of relational dynamics comes from the system of dynamics set up in our family of origin. The family style where we were raised carries a powerful force where individual members learn to connect with one another in unique ways that are mutually affecting. Patterns evolve whereby each member adopts a certain role within the family that allows the system to function as a whole.
Family systems form the basis for all our human interactions and relationships because the role we adopt within the family system is usually carried into all of our future adult relationships. These roles become a stable, though sometimes unconscious, part of our identity. Because family systems are driven by a process called homeostasis, the tendency to maintain stability or equilibrium, they are therefore usually resistant to change.
Have you ever had the experience of going back home to visit after having been away and feeling as though you were fifteen years old again the moment you walked through the door? That is the power of homeostasis at work within the family system. Some people might resist returning home because of the incredibly strong dynamics that leave them feeling child-like, helpless, weak, or even angry. Avoiding home may seem to provide the best solution.
While there are some extreme situations where home was physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive, and being cut-off provides the option of last resort for survival and health, most of us experience the fullness of our relational healing by returning home, figuratively speaking. This means our healing becomes complete the more we can understand our role in the family system, learn how to unhook from the homeostatic force that wants us to stay the same, and begin to differentiate ourselves well enough to interact with others, even our family of origin, from a place of peace and EA. The power of returning home frees us from our historical role in the family system and allows us to carry this freedom—this new, solid self into all of our adult relationships.
Interestingly, we can at any time, from any place, with any person begin to exercise EA in our relationships. No decision for EA is ever wasted. The muscles that we strengthen in one relationship can be translated into other relationships. Please note, the goal is never to change or fix someone else. The goal is to heal, understand, and grow ourselves so we can engage in any relationship and experience peace for ourselves as we connect with our loved ones.
It is never too late to heal and to grow. Our relationships will flourish as we are able to understand our childhood influences as well as feel and manage our emotions effectively so that we are better able to express them in a healthy way to the people around us.
The results are worth it. You are worth it. You don’t have to remain chained to the same old ways of dealing with life that you’ve been using. You are not destined to “be” just like your father or mother or others from your childhood. God has a unique plan and purpose for you. He wants you to be free from those chains so you can embrace your God-given identity and destiny.
In my book, Peace For a Lifetime, I share simple, practical life steps that can help you understand the life God desires for you. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!
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There is nothing like spring! After months of endless grey skies and bone-chilling temperatures that have kept us huddled inside, the first green sprigs we see pushing out from the dull, barren tree branches make us want to celebrate with joy.
Those little green buds on the trees mean one thing – winter is over. New life is here.
Yet new life doesn’t just start in spring. Those awesome green buds are simply the outward fruit of growth that has been happening underneath the surface. Without a strong root system growing deep underground, without a strong trunk to give stability and transport nutrients throughout the tree, there would be no vibrant display of life on display each spring.
The same is true for our lives and relationships. Thomas Merton stated, We are not at peace with others because we are not at peace with ourselves, and we are not at peace with ourselves because we are not at peace with God.
We cannot experience life in our relationships if we are not experiencing life within ourselves; and we cannot experience life within ourselves if we are not experiencing life in our relationship with God.
For so many of us, there is little that is living or vibrant in our relationships.
Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that shares what true abundance looks like in our relationships. God wants our relationships to be beautiful extensions of His love and grace at work in our lives.
As I sit down to write this morning, my eyes are continually drawn outside my window to witness the miracle happening before me. Spring is here, and everywhere little buds of green are pushing their way up from the ground’s surface. The forsythia’s yellow blossoms are beginning to explode, and tiny red petals are filling the barren branches of my beloved rose bushes. Before long, tulips in every color of the rainbow will begin to steal the show as they announce their arrival with an unequaled majesty.
In amazement, I wonder how this happened. Yesterday everything was dead and brown, yet today the whole world is being reborn before my very eyes. Spring is my favorite time of year.
A couple of years ago, my husband and I planted some Leyland cypress trees in our yard. Ever since, we have been faithfully watering them and fertilizing them exactly the way we were instructed, yet they have not grown quickly to become the grand towers of shade I had envisioned.
So a few weeks ago when a lawncare specialist was spraying the lawn, I inquired as to why my trees weren’t growing like they should. The man chuckled and began to explain that the trees were indeed growing, but most of their growth thus far was underneath the surface of the ground. He described that during the first two years or so, the trees were establishing a healthy root system and that they needed to grow big underground before they started to grow big above ground. He encouraged me to be patient, knowing they would eventually take off and grow bigger than I could imagine.
At that moment, everything made sense. This new life, these new beginnings on display in my garden are a reflection of where we are on our journey toward cultivating new life and new abundance in our relationships. All of the work we have done thus far has been in establishing and growing our root system underground, so we could have a strong, solid trunk. Now, the final stage is being set to see the healthy new growth reach far and wide into our relationships.
You don’t have stay stuck in under-nourished, barren relationships. The investment you make in cultivating peace with God and peace with yourself will bring forth abundance and peace in all of your relationships.
In my book, Peace For a Lifetime, I share simple, practical life steps that can help you understand the life God desires for you. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!
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Imagine if... we traded brokenness for healing, emptiness for abundance, chaos for peace? In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace.
