Does God Want Me To Stay In an Unhappy Marriage

Thus article was recently published on Crosswalk.com.

God wants us to be happy, right?

I hear it often in my work with couples. Two people on the brink of divorce, not because of abuse or infidelity, but because the relationship no longer makes them happy. As they describe, the excitement, curiosity, and fun they experienced at the beginning of their relationship are no longer there. Wedding vows may say, ‘till death us do part,’ but for many those words have lost their meaning.

The reality is that culture has changed and the beliefs we carry about marriage often mirror those changes. Truth today is seen as relative, feelings fuel our experience, and a consumer-driven mindset fosters more transactional attitudes toward relationships. 

Instead of understanding God’s true purpose for marriage, we routinely view marriage based on what another person can do for us, what they can give us, and ultimately, how they make us feel about ourselves.

Bottom line: If happiness is your primary expectation of marriage, you will most likely find yourself disillusioned and disappointed. 

Why Did God Design Marriage?…..

read more here at Crosswalk.com.

Alcohol Addiction Recovery: 8 Critical Commitments to Minimize Relapse

Alcohol Addiction Recovery: 8 Critical Commitments to Minimize Relapse

One of the toughest challenges anyone in recovery from alcohol addiction will face is relapse. While no one wants to consider relapse as a likelihood for themselves or their loved ones, relapse is common. According to a 2014 studyin the JAMA, between 40-60 percent of people who have been treated for alcoholism relapse within a year. Even those with years of sobriety can resume self-destructive drinking they never thought would be possible.

To understand why relapse occurs as well as what individuals can do to minimize relapse, it is vital to look at several key contributors to addiction that can prove challenging to anyone’s recovery. One important component in the overall struggle for sobriety is brain chemistry. Alcohol usage releases dopamine in the reward pathway of the brain, dopamine being a neurotransmitter that helps regulate the brain’s reward and pleasure centers as well as its emotional responses.

Dr. Marvin Seppala, Chief Medical Officer at the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation in Center City, MN describes, [Brain chemistry] can affect alcoholics and addicts to the point their brains re-prioritize what’s most important, such as eating and survival. The drug use becomes recognized by the brain as more important than survival itself. It is almost unfathomable that the survival instinct could be superseded by something else.  Trying to understand what it looks like is hard. People will risk their lives to keep using drugs [and alcohol.]

Relapse also occurs because triggers to addictive behaviors are everywhere around the alcoholic, making the cravings difficult to push away. Those in recovery often find themselves in the same environments surrounded by the same people who either supported or enabled their addiction. Likewise, many in recovery lack healthy emotional coping strategies to deal with the stresses of life or overcome the cycle of shame that entraps them.

All of these factors create a complex and challenging path towards recovery for anyone trying to find freedom from alcohol addiction. While they may seem overwhelming, these factors are not insurmountable.  

Here are several critical commitments for individuals in recovery to avoid relapse and discover the life of sobriety and wholeness God has for them.

1. Join a support group. 

Participating in a support program such as Celebrate Recovery or Alcoholics Anonymous provides a foundation that helps people maintain sobriety. Support groups provide a safe place where members can be honest about their struggle, and can find both accountability and support through the cravings, crises, and challenges of building a new life without alcohol. Working through the 12 steps gives a pathway to insight, understanding, healing, and change in an alcoholic’s life and relationships.  CLICK TO TWEET

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Ecclesiastes 4:9-10(ESV)

2.  Surround yourself with healthy people. 

If those in recovery continue to hang out with other drinkers, relapse is likely. Sobriety works best when a person can surround themselves with other sober people who are working toward a better life, says Lisa Boucher,RN and author of Raising the Bottom: Making Mindful Choices in a Drinking Culture. The sense of euphoria we experience during the initial stages of recovery can create a sense of overconfidence, leading us to believe that we are impervious to the negative influences of others. 

Alcohol Addiction Recovery: 8 Critical Commitments to Minimize Relapse

For the greatest chance at long-term sobriety, surround yourself with sober friends from support group meetings, people from Bible study, church; people from work; family, neighbors, or friends. They will nurture and strengthen a lifestyle without alcohol.

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17 (ESV)

Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. Proverbs 11:14 (ESV) CLICK TO TWEET

But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with sucha one. I Corinthians 5:11(ESV)

3.  Mind your HALT. 

This acronym, well-known in the recovery community, means people should not get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired, any of which can lead to relapse. Learning how to be in tune with and care for our physical, emotional, and spiritual needs can prevent instances of distress that can lead to triggers as well as cravings.

As we develop a healthy relationship with ourselves, we can makesure our most basic needs are met. This will help us achieve long-term stability and success in recovery.

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church. Ephesians 5:29(NIV)

4. Make a long-term commitment to therapy. 

Most often, an individual’s addiction to alcohol didn’t develop overnight, nor did it become destructive to their lives and relationships over a short period of time.  Addiction typically results from unhealthy, toxic thought patterns and behavioral patterns that sustained their alcohol dependency and made their lives more increasingly unmanageable over time. 

This is why long-term individual therapy is an important component for anyone struggling to achieve and/or maintain sobriety. Healing old wounds, developing healthy coping strategies, creating new thought patterns and/or beliefs about ourselves, as well as repairing damaged relationships to forge a new way forward—none of this is achieved quickly or accidentally. Making the commitment to therapy will give you a greater chance for both short and long-term sobriety.  

5.  Remain vigilant.

Time [in sobriety] doesn’t exempt you from relapse, says Anita Gadhia-Smith, a psychotherapist in MD, adding, anyone can relapse at any point in time. Therefore it is important to remain vigilant even when everything seems to be going smoothly, even when you want to believe you’ve got this addiction licked. This is the very time when relapse often occurs. 

Stagnation and complacency are hallmarks of relapse, and those who settle for little change or improvement after rehab put themselves at risk for relapse. Addiction recovery is a matter of constant awareness and pursuit of a healthier lifestyle. By fully embracing your recovery, you can make a complete change in your life for the better.

6.  Deepen your faith.

Numerous studiesshow that people have lower rates of relapse when faith is involved in their recovery. A 2006 study published in Alcoholism Treatment Quarterly found that spirituality, life meaning and faith helped to combat stress and enhanced quality of life among people in recovery from addiction. Results from a 2011 study in Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research supported the idea that Alcoholics Anonymous reduced alcohol use by enhancing participants’ spiritual practices. 

The reason is the faith connects us to our Creator. A deep, intimate relationship with God through Christ fills the void inside that most addicts have been trying to fill with alcohol and/or substances. Most of all, faith awakens hope. Hope for eternity. Hope for today. Hope that there is a future and a purpose beyond alcohol. Hope that there is grace, even in relapse, in failure, in the worst moments life brings. CLICK TO TWEET Isn’t it this kind of hope that helps any Christian get through the hardest of times?

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5(NIV)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”Jeremiah 29:11(NIV)

7.  Step out (and keep stepping out) of the shame cycle.

Shame is a destructive habit that keeps many trapped in addiction once they have relapsed. The negative thoughts that swirl in our minds— We’re no good, We will never be anything but an addict, We are a failure, God couldn’t love us— these can be damaging to the strongest individuals. 

To step outside of shame, we can begin to claim and believe that failing doesn’t make us a failure. We can get up again, we can move forward.  Brené Brown, author and expert on vulnerability and shame, notes, As a shame researcher, I know that the very best thing to do in the midst of a shame attack is totally counterintuitive: Practice courage and reach out!

Be vulnerable about your failings, admit them, and seek out ways to constructively overcome them—without beating yourself up when you fall short of anyone’s expectations—even your own. CLICK TO TWEET

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1(NIV)

8.  Develop new life patterns. 

Begin a new hobby. Take a class at your local community college. Try something you may never have tried before. Beginning to engage different experiences can awaken a life of curiosity, passion, and purpose we may never before have thought possible. 

Alcoholism chains victims to their vice, preventing them from cognitively or physically exploring anything outside of their next drink. When we fail to replace those broken patterns with anything better, old thought patterns will fill the vacuum, leading to a greater chance for relapse. 

God has a life for us outside of our addiction.  He has a plan and a purpose.  He came to give us life and life abundantly.  Grab hold of His promise.  Embrace a lifestyle of healing, of learning, of growing.  

Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:18-19(ESV)

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.John 10:10(ESV)

Relapse is the toughest part of recovery but there are critical commitments we can make to avoid relapse and experience the life God has for us. Recovery can be a time when we engage our healing and allow His light to shine into every part of our hearts. When this happens nothing is impossible. We can see Him heal, redeem, and restore our lives in ways we could have never imagined. 

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About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

4 Ways You Can Fight Back Against Loneliness

Life without other people is the worst disease any human being can ever experience. _Mother Theresa CLICK TO TWEET

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Ever been lonely?  I have.

We live in a world where everything is at our fingertips, yet for many any real connection and belonging can feel woefully out of reach. For all of our technological advances, as a culture we are more isolated than ever before. And we are lonely. Terribly lonely.

Former Surgeon General Murthy, in a Harvard Business Review article, writes that, we live in the most technologically connected age in the history of civilization, yet rates of loneliness have doubled since the 1980s. 

This is troubling because the data clearly shows that loneliness is directly associated with a reduction in life span.  This reduction is similar to that caused by smoking 15 cigarettes per day, and its greater than the negative impact of obesity on life span.

When we look deeper, we find that loneliness is also associated with a greater risk of heart disease, depression, anxiety and dementia. Within the workplace it’s associated with reductions in performance, limiting creativity, and impairing other aspects of executive function, such as memory and decision-making.

One recent Gospel Coalition articlesuggests, After decades of bowling leagues, Americans began bowling alone. Today, in the age of social media, we’re not even bowling. We’re scrolling alone.

What loneliness is and what it isn’t.      

Not everyone who is socially isolated is lonely, and not everyone who is lonely is socially isolated.  Psychology.iresearch.netdefines loneliness as, the distressing experience that occurs when one’s social relationships are perceived to be less in quantity, and especially in quality, than desired. 

Social isolation denotes few social connections or interactions, whereas loneliness involves the subjective perception of isolation — the discrepancy between one’s desired and actual level of social connection, researchers Holt-Lunstad and Smith wrote in the Heart Journal.

In essence, loneliness is the difference between the connection we have and the connection we want. That loneliness, biologically speaking, serves a similar purpose as hunger and thirst, seems to indicate that it is an emotion designed to activate an individual’s survival need. As with hunger and thirst, loneliness motivates the acquisition of food, water, and in this case, connection individuals need to survive. 

God created us as relational beings to desire connection, belonging, safety, and intimacy— thus, our drive for connection keeps us reaching out for relationships that will ultimately satisfy our needs.  However, if we have been hurt somewhere along the way, facing the potential of ridicule or rejection can be too much, causing us to withdraw from everyone.

John Gottman, in his book The Science of Trust, adds that loneliness is (in part) the inability to trust. Sadly, this failure to trust tends to perpetuate itself. When we don’t trust, over time, we are less able to read other people and become deficient in empathy. He states, Lonely people are caught in a spiral that keeps them away from others, partly because they withdraw to avoid the potential hurt that could occur from trusting the wrong person. So they trust nobody, even the trustworthy.

The ‘Me before We’ Society

Technology has only made this problem worse.  We live in an era of transactional relationships. In order to get what we need, all we do is hit a button and we get it instantly.  No lines, no waiting.  Our kids don’t wait until Christmas to get their favorite music, clothes, concert tickets, with mom and dad’s credit card, they never have to wait for anything. 

Yet this same technology and immediacy has also altered relationships.  We meet people online.  We evaluate them based on a picture.  We swipe left or right.  We text. Call.  Then we ghost them because someone cuter came across our screen.  No bother.  We didn’t need that person, didn’t want them.  So we throw them away.

Transactional relationships are by nature optimized around getting the most you possibly can in exchange for as little as possible on your part. They are all about you and what you can get, and not about what you can give. 

The more transactional we are, the more self-absorbed we become, the more we blunt our depth of real self-confidence, hence we rely more heavily on people as a drug to fill a need.  As result, we never experience the safety, the deep belonging, the beauty, that comes from knowing, from being with, from experiencing another human being— not for what you can get out of them, but simply as a sacred and divine encounter.

Romans 12:5 (NIV) teaches us, So in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.

I John 1:7 (NIV) adds, But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son, purifies us from all sin.

Unless and until we begin seeing ourselves as social beings who need real connection and community, we will remain tucked away in our castles, connecting only with Netflix, Youtube, and Facebook, attempting to fill our needs for belonging with likes, clicks, and comments.  

So how do we fight off loneliness in such a lonely world?  Here are four ways you can fight back against loneliness and engage a life of connection and belonging you desire.

1. Stop waiting.

Others cannot make you lonely.  You make you lonely.  You are powerful.  You can step back from the pain of your loneliness and begin to make decisions for yourself to help you find meaningful community and connection. 

It is not your spouse’s job, nor is it your child or neighbor’s job to pursue you.  Make a commitment to yourself to engage connection. Try different environments and activities.  Not all of your connections have to be at church.  Not all of your engagements have to look or feel a certain way.

Step out of your ‘stuckness’ and explore.  You can experience connection in the grocery store, at a pottery class, in a coffee shop, or just a walk in the neighborhood. Stop waiting.  Start doing.  And doing. 

It won’t be easy.  It won’t happen all at once.  It just won’t.  But little by little you will feel more comfortable, you will begin to engage others, you will find the safety, the trust, the connection you have been looking for so long.  It may not come in any way you expect or perhaps, demand.  But it will come.

2. Use social media only as a ‘way-station,’ not a ‘destination.’

Research shows that individuals who use social media as a ‘way-station,’ to set up outings or get-togethers with friends, actually experience lower levels of loneliness.  However, individuals who use Facebook, Instagram, or other social media outlets as their primary means for social interaction, show increased levels of social withdrawal and increased levels of loneliness.

Be intentional with how you engage social media.  It can certainly bring meaning and connection, but it can also bring feelings of comparison, rejection, and social isolation, which will exacerbate your feelings of loneliness.

Find ways to meet people face to face.  Avoid being a social media voyeur.  Engage.  Write a comment.  Comment back to other people’s comments.  Reach out to people in your community to join a meetup or Bible study.  Extend yourself slowly, safely. Recognize that others may not reach back in the way you want.  That is okay.  Keep reaching.  Somewhere along the way, you will slowly find your relationships expanding and your community growing. CLICK TO TWEET

3. Be authentic.

When we are lonely, it is easy to become more protected, less real.  Overthinking everything, we become so busy being stuck in our heads that we cannot be present with anyone in the moment. We cannot be real.  Certainly not relaxed.

Breathe. Focus your energies on just being in the moment.  Enjoy the moment. Don’t put too much pressure on one experience or relationship to be the answer to your prayers. Let it come naturally. Authentically.

4. Challenge negative thought patterns.

Lonely people pay more attention to negative social information like disagreement or criticism. They remember more of the negative things that happened during an encounter with another person and fewer positive things. 

This leads to increasing negative expectations about future interactions with others.  In short, lonely people don't expect things to go well for them, and consequently, they often don't.

Challenge your negative thought patterns.  Consider alternative assessments about other’s intentions towards you.  Resist the urge to simply accept a negative narrative and instead, begin to explore relationships with a positive, optimistic outlook.  Seeing the best in others will allow us to feel more confident about ourselves.

Yes, the world around us is busy.  It is easy to feel isolated, disconnected.  Fighting loneliness and developing places where we belong will not be easy.  It will not happen overnight. It will require us to get uncomfortable enough to step out into unknown territories and risk going all-in to develop the life we desire.  

We can find community. We can experience connection, deep intimacy, and love. We can.  God will be with us.  Other people can never make us safe.  God makes us safe. He gave us the greatest form of connection possible —connection with His Son through the cross. 

He won’t leave you hanging.  Trust Him. 

What is one step you can take today to engage connection and community?

How can you begin to change your thoughts to fight against negativity?

How can you reach out to someone who may be lonely?

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About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

ASK LISA – How Can I Lose Weight and Keep It Off Once and For All?

Ask Lisa is an advice post for people who write in to me, asking questions about a specific problem or situation.  Although this is in no way a substitute for therapy, my hope and prayer is that it gives encouragement and direction for whatever you face.

If you have a specific question you would like answered, write in.  I’d be glad to tackle it together!

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Dear Lisa,

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember.  After my mom and dad divorced at 8yrs old, my mom and I fell into a pattern of eating to numb the pain.  Every night while watching tv, we would pop popcorn, or eat ice-cream right out of the tub. Most of our best times seemed to revolve around making brownies or stopping by our favorite hamburger joint.

When I was little I had a good metabolism, so I wasn’t too heavy.  But when I entered high school, others began to make comments suggesting I was fat and needed to lose weight.  Even the school counselor sent a note home to my mom encouraging me to go on a diet to get my weight under control.

I feel like I’ve been on a diet ever since.  Mom and me would diet for a while, but when there were bills to pay, or she had broken up with a boyfriend, we just went right back to food. Food became my comfort. We would have mac & cheese on a bad day, burgers and fries on a good day, and ice cream as a treat every day. 

When I was 14 yrs old, I was molested by an uncle. I felt helpless. Dirty.  Unworthy and unsafe.  I ate to numb the pain.  I never told anyone and I’ve never been able to trust anyone since.  I want to date, to be married, to have a normal life, but I wouldn’t know how.

It seemed my life has always revolved around food.  I want to lose weight.  I can even start off the day making pretty good choices.  But by the time night falls, what starts off as a little indulgence leads to continual snacking. 

Two years ago I committed to a specific diet/exercise program.  I lost weight.  I felt great. I told myself I would never go back. But I did.  I always do.  

Can you help me? I am desperate to know how I can lose weight and keep it off once and for all.

Sincerely,

Dieting in Dallas

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Dear Dieting,

Thank you for sharing your struggle here. I know how difficult our relationship with food can be and how discouraging the battle to lose and maintain our weight can become. I want you to know you are not alone in your struggle.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 33 percent of U.S. adults are overweight and an additional 36 percent are obese. Approximately one in six children in the U.S. is obese. 

Though the causes of obesity are complex, obesity is not a function of laziness or an indication of emotional instability. Genetic and biological factors do not act in isolation, but are constantly interacting with an array of environmental and emotional factors. 

When it comes to losing weight, most people follow the usual protocol, focusing on eating less and exercising more. But a major aspect of weight control involves understanding and managing feelings, thoughts and behaviors that can interfere with weight loss.

That's not surprising, said Diane Robinson, PhD, a neuropsychologist and Program Director of Integrative Medicine at Orlando Health. Most people focus almost entirely on the physical aspects of weight loss, like diet and exercise. But there is an emotional component to food that the vast majority of people simply overlook and it can quickly sabotage their efforts. In order to lose weight and keep it off long term, we need to do more than just think about what we eat, we also need to understand why we're eating.

From a very young age we're emotionally attached to food. Whether we are aware of it or not, many of us are conditioned to use food not only for nourishment, but for comfort. 

According to Dr. Howard Rankin, an expert on behavioral change, 

We are emotional beings with the ability to rationalize -- not rational beings with emotions. If we are stressed, depressed or addicted, no matter how good the advice we are given, chances are that we will not be able to act on it. The more primitive, emotional brain generally has precedence over the newer, more rational brain. 

This was the challenge for Shekyra DeCree, of Columbus, Ohio. As a mental health therapist, my job can be very stressful, and everyday when I got home from work, the first thing I would do is go to the refrigerator,she said. That was my way to calm down and relax. Her conclusion— you have to change the way you deal with your emotions, your stress, and anxiety.  Understanding this is the key to not only taking the weight off, but keeping it off long-term. CLICK TO TWEET

Here are six tips I recommend to help you deal with weight loss differently and keep it off once and for all:

1.)  Heal the wounds of your past.

As I hear you describe, you have many wounds that have accumulated over your life that have never been healed. God desires for you to experience healing, freedom, wholeness —from every wound, every betrayal, every rejection that leaves you to use food to comfort, numb, and protect your fractured heart.CLICK TO TWEET

I could never ask you to step away from your defense mechanisms when today, they are all you have to protect you. In order to successfully change your relationship with food, you must first begin to heal so that you no longer need it to keep you safe.  Then you can open your heart and mind to a new way of being. Without living out of the wounds of your past, you will be able to create a new identity, new relationships, and a future with unlimited possibilities.

Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken, Smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.  Isaiah 53:4-5(NIV)

Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth. Jeremiah 33:6(NIV) CLICK TO TWEET

2.)  Cultivate healthy coping skills. 

We must understand what we feel and why we are feeling it, if we are to resist the emotional pull to eat.  If we have never connected with our emotions, begin journaling every day, do a feelings check.  Ask yourself why you are feeling what you are feeling.  Explore the best options for dealing with those feelings —do you need to talk with a friend, draw a boundary, comfort yourself emotionally, or strategize a new path forward? 

·     Keep a daily diary logging your food and your mood, and look for unhealthy patterns. 

·     Identify foods that make you feel good and write down why you eat them. Do they evoke a memory or are you craving those foods out of stress?

·     Before you have any snack or meal ask yourself: Am I eating this because I'm hungry? If the answer is no, look for the root of your motive.

As we learn to develop a healthier relationship with our emotions we will be better able to nurture our bodies with the fuel it needs without using food to manage, numb, or distract us from our emotions. Nor will we need food for physical or emotional protection.  

3.) Develop your ‘no’ muscle.

Self-control is a muscle that, like other muscles, needs exercise to be strengthened. Change doesn't happen because you want it to happen. Each time you exercise your ‘no’ muscle, you are developing greater self-control. Success breeds success. Facing down temptations builds strength for future decision moments.  Empowers determination.  Grows grit where we need it most.

ASK LISA – How Can I Lose Weight and Keep It Off Once and For All?

We can do hard things.  We can.  Find at least one time per day (if not more) that you actively tell yourself no.  It doesn’t have to be just about food, this applies to many aspects of our lives where we have difficulty with disciplining our bodies, our hearts, and our minds. CLICK TO TWEET

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline..2 Timothy 1:7 (NIV)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV)

4.) Avoid sugary, carb-heavy foods.

Start reading labels.  Things you would never believe to be heavy in sugar or carbs can be incredibly packed with them.  Get a food-tracker app like Chronometer, where you can log everything you eat daily. This can be eye-opening because most of us minimize what we are eating as well as its calorie, sugar, or carb content. 

Apps don’t lie.  They will help educate and equip you with information so that you become increasingly aware of what you are feeding your body.  Once you become aware, you can make the changes necessary to feed your body appropriately without overindulging.

5.) Learn from your past mistakes, don’t shame them.

We all make mistakes. Instead of shaming yourself when you fall down or make a bad decision regarding food, seek to gain self-knowledge so you won't repeat the error. Ask yourself why you made the decision you did. Journal both the emotions and the thoughts surrounding that decision. What could you do differently next time? How do you want to move forward?

No one is perfect. Be sure to acknowledge what you are doing right, not just what isn't working.

6.) Surround yourself with people who will support your effort. 

Getting fit and losing weight absolutely require others. Although you alone can make the changes you need to make, they are hard to sustain alone. In every area of our lives, we are much more influenced by other people than we may think. One of the most potent forces for positive change is the emotional support of the individuals who surround you.

Don’t be afraid to ask for the support you need. Don't assume that others know what would be most helpful to you. Similarly, avoid those people who may try to sabotage you on your journey. Surround yourself with people who can encourage you, who can walk with you.

You can do this.  You have already overcome so much in your life.  You can heal, you can learn.  You can grow.  By choosing health in every moment, in every decision, you can learn to manage your emotions and make choices that nurture you body, mind, and spirit.  CLICK TO TWEET

You will find balance.  Equilibrium.  Your physical body will heal.  Your heart will heal.  You will become whole.  And there is nothing like it!

I will be praying for you and cheering you on every step of the way. Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing.

Many blessings,

Lisa

**The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. 

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About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

8 Keys To a Healthy Relationship With Your Body

The mirror doesn’t lie…or does it?

More accurately, it is the internal eyes of the one looking in the mirror that can distort, shame, and yes lie, negatively shaping the way we see ourselves, our bodies, and our beauty. Our thoughts are powerful to define what we believe about ourselves. Our value. Our worth. Our belovedness.

We tell ourselves…

·     My body is shameful.

·     No one could love me as I am.

·      I am a failure.

·      I do not deserve love.

·     If I could just drop 15 lbs, then I would be happy.

·     Why bother?

Many of us internalize messages starting at a young age that will either lead to a positive or negative body image. We watch our parents, we absorb the words they speak, the attitudes they hold, the thoughts they believe about themselves and others.  We listen to peers at school, at play. Their words seep into the deepest places inside and adhere themselves to our souls, vastly impacting the way we see ourselves and our bodies.

Social media certainly doesn’t help. One CNN article described the impact of being exposed to more and more images of unattainable beauty, thanks to social networking: ‘Before social networks, we mostly had images of impossibly perfect celebrities. We would pass these images on billboards, watch them on TV, flip through them in magazines, but we weren't sitting around staring at them for hours every day.’

It’s not only the exposure to these images that is damaging. It’s our interaction with them—the pressure we place on having the perfect profile pictures, the comparisons we make about every image we see, and the dangers of the constant scrutiny of our own and others’ bodies—that has the greatest negative impact on our wellbeing. 

Having a healthy body image is an important part of our emotional wellbeing. It is also equally important for eating disorders prevention in ourselves and in our kids.  We will pass down to them the attitudes, beliefs, and distortions we hold about our own bodies. They will see, they will hear how we talk about other peoples’ bodies and will define themselves by the same standards.

The Bible commands us to, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself,’  yet how do we love anyone in our lives if we hate ourselves, if we shame our bodies, and demean His very creation?  We cannot. No. We cannot.

Here are 8 ways you can start TODAY to turn negative body thoughts into positive body image. The more you practice these new thought patterns, the better you will feel about who you are and the body God gave you.

1.    Appreciate the things your body does for you.

Every day your body carries you closer to your dreams. Your body allows you to engage in God’s purposes for your life. Your body was beautifully designed by an amazing Creator.  Instead of focusing on the negative qualities or attributes you don’t like, remind yourself of all of the gifts your body gives you—running, dancing, working, breathing, laughing, dreaming, praying. 

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Psalm 139:14(NIV)

2.    Create a list of attributes you like about yourself.

Take some time to reflect on physical, emotional, and spiritual attributes—things that aren’t related to how much you weigh or what you look like. Write them down. Read your list often.  Try to find things you can add to it as you become aware of more things to like about yourself.

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.Ephesians 2:10(NIV)

3.  Remember that real beauty is not simply skin-deep.

Beauty is a state of the mind and heart, not a state of your body. CLICK TO TWEET The most beautiful people I know are people who know their belovedness—who live, who love, who give the gifts of acceptance and kindness they have already received. We can cultivate a heart and a life that exudes the love of Christ. CLICK TO TWEETWe are powerful to become compassion-warriors and grace-givers to the people we encounter.  CLICK TO TWEET

But the LORD said to Samuel, ‘Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.’ 1 Samuel 16:7(NIV)

4.  Stop looking for validation from others.

When we find ourselves craving validation about how we look from others, it becomes an insatiable addiction, never giving us the acceptance or belonging we truly desire and leaving us perpetually thirsty for more.  Instead, write down the things you long to hear most from others and begin to speak them to yourself.  When you feel the urge to ask for validation directly or indirectly, don’t. Remind yourself of what God thinks about you.  Speak the things to yourself that you long to hear most.  

Other people do not have the power to heal us. They are fighting their own battles, struggling with their own fears and wounds.  Only God and you hold the power to heal you.  CLICK TO TWEET

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14(NIV)

5.  Surround yourself with emotionally and spiritually healthy people.

We are always strengthened when we are around those who are mature, both spiritually and emotionally.  Others who have a healthy body image, who feel good about themselves, who know and live out their belovedness on a daily basis can help you stay focused on the values and qualities that are most important.  

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17 (ESV)

From whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.Ephesians 4:16 (ESV)

To equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ. Ephesians 4:12 (ESV) 

6.  Become a critical viewer of social media.

Pay attention to images, slogans, or attitudes that make you feel bad about yourself or your body. Limit the amount of time you spend on social media. Create affirmations you can repeat when you see images or posts that discourage you about your worth or body image. Remind yourself of the truth of your value and worth.  You must keep yourself centered or social media will leave you spinning inside.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Phillipians 4:8(NIV)

7. Be kind to yourself.

Do something kind for yourself every day.  Ask yourself, How could I honor my body spiritually, emotionally, and physically today?  Find one activity, one habit, one moment you could implement something that would nurture healing and wholeness in your heart. Success won’t happen at once—it will happen in a million tiny moments we choose kindness over condemnation, healing over hatred, compassion over shame.

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church… Ephesians 5:29(NIV)

8. Serve others.

Sometimes reaching out to other people can help you feel better about yourself and can make a positive change in our world.  Serving others helps take our mind off the enormity of our struggles and allows us to balance them with the needs and struggles of others. We become myopic when we exist in isolation, but when we serve, we can see Christ at work around us.  It fills a deep reservoir of grace inside us when we allow ourselves to be Christ to others who are hurting and in need.

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh ; rather, serve one another humbly in love. Galatians 5:13(NIV)

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Luke 6:38(NIV)

How are you nurturing your body image? 

 How are you walking in your belovedness, friend?  

What is one thing you could do today to develop a healthier relationship with your body?

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About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Four Ways To Celebrate A Perfectly ImPerfect You

Perfect.  Such a nice word.  If only everything could be perfect, life would be much neater, cleaner somehow.

The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines the word “perfect” as being entirely without fault or defect.  Flawless.  Satisfying all requirements.  

Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?

I spent so many years chasing that word, driven by that ideal.  To be without defect.  Flawless. I felt perhaps, that if I found this place called Perfect, that I would be free. I would arrive.  I could breathe.

I would tell myself—

If only I could be taller…thinner…smarter…funnier

If my waist wasn’t so big…my rear so flat…my thighs so flabby

If I could be the perfect wife…the perfect stepmom…the perfect friend…

…then I would arrive, then I would be accepted, then I would be worthy of love.

I never realized how much damage, how much destruction this one little word, perfect,could do.

Most of us struggle to live out an ideal of what we think life should be, of who we think we should be. We struggle to get up out of bed for another day with our lists, our expectations, our goals.  We set the bar so high, we could never attain.  Never achieve – anything but sheer exhaustion. Emptiness.  

Is this what God intended for us?  Is this the abundant life He promised?

The drive for perfection will always leave us scraping at the bottom of the barrel.  The pursuit of perfection will always leave us hopeless, drained, done.  

So how do we overcome the insidious pull toward perfection?  How do we find the abundance and peace we are so desperate for?

I have found four ways you can begin to celebrate the perfectly imperfect you - today.

Accept your imperfection.

Every time you find yourself starting to chase the rabbit-trail of ‘if-only’s,’ stop. You are powerful.  You have a choice.  

Begin to repeat instead:

I am …beautiful… right in this very moment.

I am …loved…right in this very moment.

I am …enough…right in this very moment.

I am …healing…right in this very moment.

I am …growing…right in this very moment.

Learning to accept all the parts and pieces of who we are and welcoming them inside our hearts instead of shaming them, is the beginning of freedom.  We cannot develop a loving relationship with ourselves as long as we hate ourselves. We must release hate for love to flourish.  For hearts to heal. CLICK TO TWEET For us to arrive at a place where we can look in the mirror with all of our dimples and dings, all of our scars and sagging skin (ugghhh), and celebrate them. Yes, celebrate them.

You are beautiful.  Yes, you.  Beautiful. CLICK TO TWEET

Release control.

Yes, as an historic perfectionist, I long for control.  I love control.  Control allows me to believe that I am somehow powerful to determine my destiny.  It creates an illusion that I can prove my worth. I feel a craving, a compulsion to hold everything within my domain.  Somewhere within me, though I can observe this madness, the control is there, right beneath the surface, calling out to me.

Release control. Submit to the messy.  Don’t hold things so tightly.  Breathe into the unknown.  Rest.  CLICK TO TWEET In surrendering your will, your need to claim, to own, to control, you can settle into the here and now.  Release the unknown to God.  You are safe.

Create a life of compassion.

The cycle of shame is the gasoline that fuels our perfectionistic tendencies.  I set unrealistic goals for myself.  I make unreasonable demands on myself.  At some point, I fail.  Though failure is a normal part of life, for the perfectionist, failure signals an immense implosion of shame.  Shame whispers my utter worthlessness.  It pulls me hopelessly into the undertow of condemnation. It compels me to yet once again, set the bar higher, to push harder in the drive to be freed from this shame, to feel for once – peace.

Just as peace can never coexist with shame, compassion can never coexist with condemnation. Compassion diffuses the weight of shame and allows us to stop the pattern of self-condemnation.  Perhaps this is why Romans 8:1 (NIV) details, Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  Perhaps God knows our tendency to strive, to shame, to cling to condemnation as a favored friend.

Compassion also means that we stop blaming others.  We can never stop being victimized until we are ready to stop being the victim.  We can never overcome oppression until we are ready to release our identity as the oppressed. Resist blame.  Come face to face with failure.  It cannot destroy you.  It doesn’t define you.  You are on a journey.  You are becoming. CLICK TO TWEET

Consume a diet of truth.

John 8:32  (NIV) says,Then you will know the truth andthetruth will set you free.  When we recognize the harsh, shaming, perfectionistic voice that hides deep inside our hearts, we can speak the truth to that voice.  We don’t have to succumb to its pressure. We don’t have to yield to its ways. 

We can claim our worth, our value in the midst of our imperfections.  We can admit the reality that everyone is broken —yes everyone. It is only God’s great and majestic love for us that sees beauty right in the middle of our humanity.   Our beauty never lies in perfection.  Our beauty lies in all of the broken pieces that no longer hold us hostage, that no longer keep us hidden and disguised.  Out of something broken God makes something beautiful.  As God shines His light, His love, His glory through the jagged and prismed pieces of our lives, He creates the most amazing works of art.  

If you have struggled with the word perfect, you are not alone.

Anna Quindlen, says, The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.

You don’t have to stay chained to your lists, your expectations, your goals.  Exchange them for love, for freedom, for compassion, for truth.

Celebrate imperfection.  Release control.  Create a life of compassion.  Consume a diet of truth.

Then you will be able to ask yourself:

How can I honor my body today?

What does my soul need today?

How can I nurture my spirit today?

How can I love others well today?

This is what God desires for you.  Discovering and becoming who God created you to be so that you can serve a world in need. Show them love.  Show them Christ.

You won’t come up dry. You won’t be scraping the bottom of the barrel.  You will experience fullness, abundance.  You will know peace.

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About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

3 Lies About Pornography That Could Be Destroying Your Marriage

Thank you for subscribing, friend. Today’s post is serious, yet needful. Please don’t opt out, saying to yourself, "This isn’t for me, pornography doesn’t affect anyone in my family”. Porn addiction has been historically seen as a man’s problem, but porn addiction grips women and children (yes, children) at younger ages than ever before. And porn addiction is at epidemic levels. Please read and share with anyone you know who struggles with porn. Talk with your families about it. Educate your children. We can win this battle!

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Josh never thought he had a problem. He was like most other young teens who discovered porn while surfing online. I’ve got this, he told himself. No harm, right? No one will ever know. What he didn’t realize then was that as he entered his early twenties, what began as occasional browsing grew into full-blown addiction. As the stresses of his career and marriage increased, so did his dependence on porn. When his wife discovered his secret, his addiction was exposed, leaving him no choice but to address the role of pornography in his life.  

There are currently over 24.5 million different pornographic websites on the Internet, which represents approximately 12% of all websites. What’s more, at any given time, approximately 30,000 people are looking at porn.

Here are 3 lies we believe about pornography that could be destroying our lives and our marriages.

Lie #1: Pornography isn’t that big of a deal                                 

We tell ourselves, ‘Boys will be boys.’ Generations of men and women dismiss the magnitude of the problem with porn because they view it as a rite of passage. They remember looking at magazines in their friend’s backyard and see it as a harmless pastime. 

It’s not a harmless pastime. It wasn’t then and it certainly isn’t now. The size and scope of pornography usage is staggering. According to Barna Research, 62% of men who claim to be Christian view pornography at least once a month. This is nearly two out of three Christian men.

Yet, this isn’t just a male problem. Barna’s research also shows that more than 15% of Christian women view pornography at least once a month. What this percentage doesn’t factor in are the countless women who regularly report reading erotica and explicit romance novels that depict graphic fantasies for the reader. 

Research is also revealing that younger generations of Americans—particularly those who accessed the internet during adolescence—have shown the greatest increase in pornography use over the past few decades. According to a Pure Passion – Mastering Life Ministries, a recent Symantec-funded study found that,among kids seven and under, the fourth-most-sought search term (after Youtube, Google, and Facebook) was ‘porn.’ Even more surprisingly, these kids are more curious about porn than their older siblings: for teens, porn was sixth; for tweens, eleventh.

Because porn addiction has a similar neuronal pathway to drug addiction, porn users are likely to develop dependence and tolerance, requiring the consumption of increasingly graphic and atypical sexual material in order to get the same high as they did previously. This can lead to desensitization as well as antisocial sexual behaviors including rape, physical assault, promiscuity, and the normalization of violence towards women.

The truth: Pornography is a big deal. Its usage isn’t declining within the Christian community. On the contrary, it is rising and it is entrapping individuals at younger ages than ever before. CLICK TO TWEET God wants His people to be ‘set apart,’ ‘pure,’ ‘undefiled.’ He wants us to be able to enjoy sex in our marriages the way He intended —as an intimate, beautiful reflection of His love for us.  

Lie #2: Pornography helps increase intimacy in marriage

For years, many in the field of psychology downplayed the negative effects of pornography, suggesting porn could be normal, even healthy. Many marriage counselors encouraged couples to accept porn use, some even recommending it in the hopes of increasing intimacy for couples who were struggling. However, in an open letter to readers in 2016, leading relationship researcher Dr. John Gottmancorrected his previous recommendation and nowstands by research that indicates porn is indeed destructive to intimacy. 

The statistics fully support his findings. Psychology Todayreported testimony from a 2004 Senate hearing where Dr. Jill Manning shared her findings that 56% of divorce cases involved one party having an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.Another source, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, polled 350 divorce attorneys in 2003 where two thirds of them reported that the Internet played a significant role in the divorces, with excessive interest in online porn contributingto more than half of such cases.

The reason is that sex was intended to be between one man and one woman, within the safety and commitment of marriage, to keep them facing each other, working with each other, united in body, soul, and mind. Sex was God’s great gift for couples to enjoy each other and find both deep connection and satisfaction with each other. True intimacy involves both knowing and being fully known by another. 

1 Corinthians 13:12 shares, Then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

To the contrary, pornography steals intimacy and fosters dissatisfaction in couples. Cynical attitudes about love emerge, leading people to believe that the best sexual experiences can be attained without affection or love. For many, porn use becomes an easy means of escaping the challenges of marriage and prepares them to disinvest in their marriage.

In her book,Pornified,Pamela Paul notes that, Pornography gives men the false impression that sex and pleasure are entirely divorced from relationships. Porn creates an entirely self-centered sexual experience because it doesn't require that husbands be lovers of their wives. Gratification is quick, easy, always guaranteed.  Intimacy is abandoned as a goal in favor of personal pleasure. It substitutes loving our mate for loving ourselves.

The truth: Porn use destroys marital intimacy and significantly increases the chances that your marriage will end. We must remove anything the enemy could use to get a foothold into our lives, our homes, our marriages, and our families. We must protect the very relationship we value most. CLICK TO TWEET God wants to heal marriages. He desires to restore and redeem everything that satan has tried to destroy. He can bring more intimacy and satisfaction than we ever thought possible. CLICK TO TWEET

Lie #3: Pornography helps people stay faithful to their spouses

In my clinical practice, couples often report using pornography as a way to spice up their sex lives and strengthen their connection in order to prevent them from moving outside the relationship for sexual satisfaction. What they ultimately find, however, is that it actually breeds problematic sexual encounters and a growing distance in their relationship.

The reason is as with any other addiction, the stimulus that creates arousal at first works less over time and requires more intense, more heightened pornographic images. Dr Gottman describes, 

With pornography use, much more of a normal stimulus may eventually be needed to achieve the response a supernormal stimulus evokes. In contrast, ordinary levels of the stimulus are no longer interesting. This may be how normal sex becomes much less interesting for porn users. The data supports this conclusion. In fact, use of pornography by one partner leads the couple to have far less sex and ultimately reduces relationship satisfaction.

Research done by Steven Stack of Wayne State Universityshowed that pornography use increased the marital infidelity rate by more than 300 percent.Another study found a strong correlation between viewing Internet pornography and sexually permissive behavior.With regular porn use, couples report experiencing increased depression, anxiety, and a whole host of trauma-related illnesses and decreased safety and trust in the relationship. They begin to view the institution of marriage as sexually confining,diminishing the belief in the importance of marital faithfulness,and intensifying doubts about the value of marriage itself.

John 8:44 tells us that satan is the ‘father of lies.’ He is using pornography to entice couples to forsake the real, intimate connection found in marriage in exchange for a cheap counterfeit that porn provides.  CLICK TO TWEET

The truth:  Pornography doesn’t help couples stay faithful. It destroys the emotional safety in the marriage and in many cases, leads to increased infidelity as well as the breakdown of the marriage. Couples need to be taught from the pulpit and in Bible Studies the facts about what God desires for their marriages. We need to be equipped, strengthened, and fortified so we can protect our marriages and our families.

How To Take Back Your Marriage

Change always starts with us as individuals. Each of us must look within our heart to understand the impact pornography has had on our view of ourselves and our marriage.

Couple's therapist Laurie Watson writes in Psychology Today,Making love is hard. Sexuality is complex and complicated, relational and physical for us.… But sex is glue in a marriage — in fact, it's cement. There's unparalleled joy in feeling connected to another real person through deep physical intimacy. Sex is the pinnacle of this connection, and it requires a man — a real man — to negotiate the rigorous landscape of making love to a real woman.

Sex takes hard work in a marriage. At times, learning to navigate the complex dance of the sexual relationship can prove challenging, but if we want the deepest kind of intimacy with our spouse, it will require us to come face to face with our spouse and begin sharing openly and honestly. It will demand each of us as individuals to look at our own historic wounds and vulnerabilities in order to address them, heal them. Find freedom from them.

James 5:16 tells us, Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. 

The truth is, as long as your porn usage stays hidden in your life or marriage, you will never find freedom, nor will you experience the true intimacy you desire most.  Many struggle yet walk away from the reality of what’s destroying their marriage—uncertain of what change will look like, or perhaps unable to believe that life really could look different.

If you struggle with pornography in your life or your marriage, take the next step now. Bring it into the light.  Porn requires darkness and secrecy to maintain its hold on you. The light is where God dwells, where healing happens, and where new life begins.  

Ephesians 5:13-14 encourages us, But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, 'Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.’

Where Can I Get Help?

The great news is whether the pornography usage in your marriage reaches the level of addiction or not, you can change your relationship with porn and change your life.

There are resources and websites that can help both of you to be accountable to each other like Covenant Eyesor Pure Passion: Mastering Life Ministries, which are both dedicated to helping individuals and couples find freedom from pornography and addiction. Find a strong Christian therapist to help you and your spouse learn to communicate about sex, deal with pornography abuse and/or addiction, and learn to engage sex in a deeply intimate, yet healthy way.

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About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

7 Signs You Might Be In a Relationship With a Narcissist

Welcome, friend! Today’s post is a little longer than normal, but that is because it is such an important subject. I have received more questions about narcissism than any other topic! I wanted to make sure I did my best to deal with this subject adequately. Please be prayerful for those in toxic relationships today. Pray that God would use this information to bring knowledge, understanding, healing, and freedom!

Savannah and Jack had a whirlwind courtship.  He was everything she had ever hoped for, the man of her dreams —until he wasn’t.

The day they got home from their ‘honeymoon in paradise,’ paradise was lost.  His temper began to rage. It seemed she couldn’t do anything right. All she wanted to was to make him happy and build their future together.

Savannah found herself at the brutal end of Jack’s criticisms.  No matter what the argument, she somehow was to blame for their problems. She was constantly accused of being too emotional, too hormonal, too needy, too everything.  If she didn’t agree with his perspective, Jack would either attack or shut down completely, refusing to speak to her for days.

She began to wonder if Jack was right?  Questioning herself often, she shared in session that she no longer feels confident in herself or trusts her perspective on things.

Maybe our issues really are my fault? Maybe I am being selfish?, she pondered.

When they shared in session about their marital problems, Jack immediately began to speak.  And speak.  And speak.  It seemed he had a lot to say.  Attempting to control the conversation with a mixture of charm and concern, he expressed his interest in getting help for his wife.  From his perspective, he was fine.  He just wanted her to return to the kind, caring wife he had married.  

If she can’t, he declared, I won’t have a choice but to leave.

If you’ve ever been in relationship with a narcissist, the interactions described may feel familiar. The patterns can be destructive, but the decision to stay or leave is an individual one.  

Psychology Todaydescribes the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. Individuals with NPD are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding, convinced they are deserving of special treatment. 

According to psychologist Joseph Burgo, Narcissism exists in many shades and degrees of severity along a continuum.

While most of us are guiltyof selfish behaviors at one time or another, a true narcissist tends to dwell habitually in several of the following personas, while remaining largely unaware of (and unconcerned with) how his or her actions affect others.

Here are 7 signs that you might be in a relationship with a narcissist.

1. Narcissists hoard conversations. 

Not only does a narcissist love to talk about themselves, they rarely give you a chance to share your perspective on anything. Your perspective is irrelevant to their personal experience, therefore it is unnecessary and unworthy of their time or attention. When you find your spouse always correcting, interrupting, belittling, or shaming your thoughts and feelings, there is a good chance you are in a narcissistic relationship.

Your voice should be heard.  Needs to be heard. Your perspective matters as long as it is shared respectfully and kindly.  Never allow someone to silence your voice. Shut you down.  Intimidate you. CLICK TO TWEET Healthy relationships involve two people who share mutually, who not only listen, but respect, consider, and value the perspective of their partner.  Two are better than one.

Ecclesiastes 4:8-12 (NIV) shares, Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.

2. Narcissists are charmers.

There is a reason people fall in love with narcissists.  They sweep you off your feet.  They profess their undying love. They make you feel like you are the center of their universe. Until you’re not.

When they’re interested in you, they make you feel very special and wanted. However, once they lose interest in you, or have gotten what they want from you, they may drop you without a second thought. Engaging and sociable, they will give you their undivided attention as long as you’re fulfilling what they desire.

When they say that they love you, what they mean is I love how you love me. When you love them well, then you are wonderful, the best thing that ever happened to them. When you fail to love them well (as you always will), then you have a price to pay. A person with NPD finds it impossible to put themselves in someone else’s shoes (empathy) and has little compassion for anyone other than themselves. A narcissist gets into a relationship to be adored, admired & loved. Not to love or sacrifice for someone else. _Leslie Vernick CLICK TO TWEET

3. Narcissists have grandiose personalities.

Thinking of themselves as a hero or heroine, a prince or princess, or a ‘one of a kind’ special person, many narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, believing that others cannot live or survive without his or her magnificent contributions.   They need their accomplishments to define them.  

Driven by a need to impress, they focus on attributes or achievements that will make themselves look good externally. Oftentimes the narcissist will use people, objects, status, and/or accomplishments to present a false self, because the real self is judged to be inferior and weak. Exaggerating, inflating, even inventing their accomplishments allows them to believe they are more special, more intelligent, better than anyone else. Therefore, their accomplishments are everything.  

Healthy individuals have a mixture of wins and losses, successes and defeats.  Their identity is not defined by what they have done, it is defined by who they are at the core —their beliefs and values, their character, their faith.  They do not perceive themselves as superior to others, rather they understand their inherent brokenness, their humanity.

4. Narcissists are entitled. 

They are special. Period. Rules that apply to everyone else simply don’t apply to narcissists, or so they believe.  Often expecting preferential treatment from others, they come to believe the world really revolves around them. They expect others to cater to their needs, without acknowledging anyone else’s needs in return. 

Narcissists have an empathy deficit disorder —they are not capable of empathy as we know it, psychiatrist and author of “The Empath’s Survival Guide,” Dr. Judith Orloff describes. Full-blown narcissists don’t care about other people’s feelings.  They seem to be wired differently. 

Healthy relationships are places where two people share their perspectives. They know where they end and the other begins. Respecting each other’s boundaries, they never coerce or demand anything from each other.  Love is given both respectfully and freely.

Even if your partner doesn’t see you or consider you, God sees you.  He hears you. He knows your deepest needs.  Look to Him to find your healing, your hope. Never allow yourself to be disrespected or abused.  Never.

5. Narcissists are boundary-violaters.      

Because they feel entitled, your personal boundaries become obstacles to whatever they want or need.  They have no ability to live with another person’s ‘no,’ therefore they simply disregard other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and/or physical space. They use others without consideration or sensitivity, borrowing items or money without returning or paying back, breaking promises repeatedly without remorse. 

More times than not, a narcissist will actually turn the tables and blame you for their poor choices. In their crazy-making cycle, they keep you perpetually off-balance by violating your boundaries of respect or responsibility, then gas-lighting you to make you out to be the crazy one. 

Healthy relationships allow two individuals to speak and hold their respective boundaries.  Their yes’ and no’s are honored, and each knows clearly where they end and the other begins.  Instead of demanding the relationship meet all of their emotional or physical needs, both look to God and themselves to meet most of their primary needs.  

The relationship is then safe. Safe to laugh, to live, to dream together.  To love. The relationship is also a place of mutual respect.

Matthew 5:37 (NIV) teaches us, All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.

6. Narcissists have anger issues. 

Anger tends to be a primary defense mechanism for people with NPD.  Any boundary, any ‘no’ will be received with hostility or potential rage as they perceive any obstacle to their agenda. Many narcissists even enjoy sparking negative emotions to gain attention, to feel powerful, as well as to keep you insecure and off-balance. They are easily upset at any real or perceived slights or lack of attention. 

Throwing a tantrum if you disagree with their views or fail to meet their expectations, they are at the same time extremely sensitive to criticism.  They will typically respond to correction or criticism with a defensive response, leading to either a heated argument (fight) or cold detachment (flight). At the same time narcissists are quick to judge, criticize, ridicule, and blame others, some even becoming emotionally and verbally abusive. By making you feel inferior, they boost their fragile ego, and feel better about themselves.

Healthy relationships are safe for two people to live, love, and journey together. Just because someone blames you for their problems doesn’t make you responsible for their problems.  Just because someone calls you crazy doesn’t mean you are crazy. Don’t forget this. There is no excuse for anger, defensiveness, rage, blame, name-calling, or crazy-making. If you are unsafe physically or emotionally, get out.  Now. CLICK TO TWEET

James 1:19-20(NIV) adds, My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

7. Narcissists are manipulators.

It is part of their DNA.  Because anyone else’s ‘no’ is unacceptable to them, they will use manipulation to get their own needs met.  They will use you, make decisions for you, they will guilt you, hijacking your emotions in order to get what they want. 

Narcissists are masters of control and/or manipulation. In an instant, they can have you feeling upside down, disoriented, confused, and to blame for everything that is happening (or not happening) in their life.  Often playing the victim or the martyr, they will put you in the position of perpetrator or bad guy in order to get their needs met.

Healthy adults come to accept that many of their needs will never be met. They accept other people’s boundaries, they respect others boundaries.  Instead of using manipulation to get around an obstacle, they look elsewhere to get their need met legitimately, or they learn to live respectfully in the presence of an unmet desire.

1 Thessalonians 4:6 (NIV) adds, No one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before.

Are You In a Relationship With a Narcissist?

If more than a few of the above symptoms is active in your relationship, it is quite possible you are in a relationship with a narcissist.  Narcissism can be improved through long-term therapy, if someone steps out of denial and is truly willing to change, to heal, to grow on their individual healing journey. 

Transformation is a long, slow process because the nature of narcissism itself prevents honest self-reflection, sincere ownership of responsibility, and healing from past trauma.  It is also difficult because their defense mechanisms prove so reliable to navigate their lives and relationships, they can resist developing other coping strategies to effectively move through life.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, please reach out for help.  You need the support from therapy and programs like Celebrate Recovery, CODA, etc., in order to recognize how you were drawn into this type of relationship in the first place as well as learn how to strengthen your sense of self, to communicate more effectively, and to draw consistent, firm boundaries.

At the same time, support groups and therapy provide a safe place to regain your sanity, to learn how to step outside the crazy-making cycle, and remain grounded in the midst of the storm.  Most importantly, you need to understand when your loved one’s behavior crosses the line in any way, and what you need to do to protect yourself from harm verbally, emotionally, or physically. No abuse is ever acceptable.  Not even a little.

Please know God’s presence is with you right now. He has never left.  He wants to bring you safety, healing, and hope. Reach towards Him right now. Reach out for help.  Take the next step.  

Your healing is now!          

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About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

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Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

8 Reasons Why Vacation Is Vital For Wellbeing

I have missed being with you guys!  This past month I’ve taken time away with my husband to travel, to rest, to pray, to play, and to dream.  As good and as needful as my time away was, I am so excited to be back and have the opportunity to share with you.  I continue to pray over each of you on your journey.

As always, I ask for your prayers that God would give His leadership, His vision, and His words that will equip and empower each of us emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.  If you have any questions you would like answered, or topics you would love to see covered, please reach out– I’d love to hear from you!

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Vacation.

I just returned from a lovely time away with my husband for some much-needed rest.  Everyone has a different idea of vacation. Some like the beach. Others delight in adventure. I’m kind of a nerd when it comes to travel.  I love old things —old cobblestone streets, historic architecture. Gothic arches make me happy. Show me a quatrefoil and I become downright giddy.  Great food, great experiences fill my heart to the brim and refresh a sometimes parched and tired spirit. 

While we were away, I could feel my heart rate slow.  I could sense my body relaxing.  I slept more than usual and had more than my share of pastries and coffee.

What I discovered was that the longer I went without emails, phone calls, work, etc., the dust began to settle in my heart and mind, and I could once again enjoy the presence of each moment.  No need to worry about the next moment.  I discovered connection and play with my husband that was both deep and refreshing. I sat in awe as I gazed upon God’s handiwork all around me.  

I am more convinced than ever how important vacation is to everyone’s overall wellbeing.  We all run at frantic paces, we all exist on an information overload.  We all suffer from rest depravation, and we wonder why our hearts ache with restlessness and overwhelm. 

Rest time is not waste time. It is economy to gather fresh strength… It is wisdom to take occasional furlough. In the long run, we shall do more by sometimes doing less. _Charles Spurgeon

Whether it is 10 miles down the road or 10 hours around the globe, it doesn’t matter!  Here are 8 reasons why vacation is vital for your overall wellbeing.

1.   Vacation reduces stress. 

A study released by the American Psychological Association concluded that vacations work to reduce stress by removing people from the activities and environments that they associate with stress and anxiety. The effects last beyond the duration of the vacation, too: one study found that after taking time off from work, vacationers had fewer stress-related physical complaints such as headaches, backaches, and heart irregularities, and they still felt better five weeks later.

We were wired to exhale, yet exhales are at times too few and too far apart. Our physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies need to fast doing and allow ourselves to be.  The benefits are self-evident. CLICK TO TWEET

Psalm 127:2 (NIV) shares, In vain you rise earlyand stay up late,toiling for food to eat—for he grants sleep tothose he loves.

2. Vacation helps prevent heart disease. 

A host of studies have highlighted the cardiovascular health benefits of taking a vacation. In one, men at risk for heart disease who skipped vacations for five consecutive years were 30 percent more likely to suffer heart attacks than those who took at least a week off each year. Even missing one year's vacation was associated with a higher risk of heart disease. Studies find similar results with women: Women who took a vacation once every six years or less were almost eight times more likely to develop heart disease, have a heart attack, or die of a coronary-related cause than those who took at least two vacations a year. 

We might not be able to take expensive or extensive vacations per year, but we can be intentional with finding small ways to step away from our lives and rest.  Perhaps finding a favorite place to hike, or an overnight visit to a nearby state park. Getting lost in a museum, or in a favorite book —all of these things bring rest.

Mark 2:21 (NIV) offers, Then he said to them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.”

3. Vacation improves focus and/or productivity.

In our perpetual rush to be productive, we often undermine our very ability to consistently perform at peak levels.  Professional services firm Ernst & Young conducted an internal study of its employees and found that for each additional 10 hours of vacation time employees took, their year-end performance ratings improved 8 percent. What's more, frequent vacationers were significantly less likely to leave the firm.

When we are rested, we are more productive, we're happier, and when we're happier, we tend to excel at what we do. 

Mark 6:32 (NIV) adds, So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place.

Genesis 2:2-3 (NIV) declares, By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

4. Vacation brings better sleep.

Restless nights and sleep disturbances are common complaints--often stemming from the fact that we simply have too much on our minds. When we can't stop the internal chatter it affects our sleep, and a lack of sleep leads to less focus, less alertness, impaired memory, an increased likelihood of accidents and a decreased quality of life. Researchers say that vacations can help interrupt the habits that disrupt sleep, like working late into the night or watching a backlit screen before bed. 

If you have stress from work and you find your sleep is disrupted because of anxiety or tension, take time off and learn to reset your sleep pattern.

Psalm 4:8 (NIV) teaches, In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

5. Vacation improves mental health.

Neuroscientists have found that brain structure is altered by chronic exposure to the stress hormone cortisol, which can be a major contributing factor to anxiety and depression. Feelings of calm arise from time away from work and relieve stress, which allows the body and mind to heal in ways that it couldn't if it were still under pressure.

Step away. Learn to release. Let go.  Though it may not come easily, these are skills that we can bring from vacation into the rest of our lives.  It will bring the balance and equilibrium you desire.

Mark 6:31b (NIV) encourages us, He said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”

6. Vacation leads to greater well-being.

 According to a Gallup study, people who make time for regular trips had a 68.4 score on the Gallup-Heathway's Well-Being Index, in comparison to a 51.4 Well-Being score for less frequent travelers. One study found that three days after vacation, subjects' physical complaints, quality of sleep, and mood had improved as compared to before vacation. These gains were still present five weeks later, especially in those who had more personal time and overall satisfaction during their vacation. 

Psalm 127:2 tells us, It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones.

7.  Vacation nurtures marriages.

Couples who travel together have healthier, happier relationships compared to those who do not, according to a survey from the U.S. Travel Association. Couples in a romantic relationship report traveling together makes them significantly more likely to be satisfied in their relationships, communicate well with their partners, enjoy more romance, have a better sex life, spend quality time together and share common goals and desires. 

Take a road trip, get lost together.  Try something brand new. No need for a huge budget.  Just laugh.  Love. Dream. Travel takes us away from everything that threatens to pull us apart and helps us find our way back to each other. Rest is where we can listen to our heartbeat, where we can dream again, risk again, perhaps even love again. CLICK TO TWEET

Song of Solomon 2:10 (ESV) shares, My beloved speaks and says to me, “Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.” CLICK TO TWEET

8. Improved familial relationships.

The benefits of vacations extend to family relationships. An international group of researchers led by Purdue University concluded that family vacations contribute positively to family bonding, communication and solidarity. Vacations promote what is called the ‘crescive bond’or shared experience by fostering deep and enduring connections. Shared family memories and time spent together isolated from ordinary everyday activities help to promote these positive ties. 

Exodus 20:9-10 (NIV) shares, Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns.

Vacation doesn’t need to be expensive or elaborate. Please hear me when I say that it doesn’t have to be a bucket-list destination in order to be beneficial.  It just needs to involve disconnecting in both small ways and sometimes bigger ways from the pressures, the stresses, and demands that our normal schedules bring.  It means focusing on quiet, on rest, on connection —whether it is connection with God, connection with ourselves, or connection with our loved ones.

What is your favorite way to unplug and get away from the pressures of life?

 What is your favorite vacation memory from your family?

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About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

ASK LISA - How Do I Know If I Am Codependent?

I hope you had a great Memorial Day weekend! I will be taking a break for the month of June in order to rest and recharge. I will be excited to spend time with my husband, do a little traveling, and quiet myself to hear what God is speaking! I will be back with you guys the first week of July. Praying blessing and abundance over each of you!

Ask Lisa is an advice post for people who write in to me, asking questions about a specific problem or situation.  Although this is in no way a substitute for therapy, my hope and prayer is that it gives encouragement and direction for whatever you face.

If you have a specific question you would like answered, write in.  I’d be glad to tackle it together!

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Dear Lisa,

I’ve just come through a divorce.  I married my high school sweetheart thirty-five years ago after he swept me off of my feet.  I thought he was going to be the perfect escape from my family’s dysfunction and my dad’s drinking.  I was determined to change everything —to be the perfect wife, mom, PTA member, and women’s ministry volunteer.  In my naïve thinking I believed that I could somehow heal everything that was broken in my childhood and right every wrong.  My life, my marriage, my family would be different.

It was —for a while. But little by little my husband worked more, came home later, drank harder, exploded louder.  My job was to make him okay.  I was the one who knew how to handle him, or so I thought.  So I made sure the house was cleaned, His favorite meals were cooked, the kids were well-behaved so that things would go smoothly. 

As his drinking increased, he became violent.  He always apologized later, tearfully promising that things would change, that he would change.  He would be sober for a while, but slowly things would go right back to the way they were before, just a little bit worse.  I had to lie —lie to his boss, lie to the kids, lie to myself, perhaps — to get by.

All the while, I couldn’t focus all of my energies on saving my husband and my marriage, and be a good parent to the kids.  I tried. Lord knows I tried.  I was always exhausted but I just couldn’t fight more than one battle at a time.  So I gave in. I needed the kids help, their affection, their support, and their love.  I needed someone to love me.  I gave them pretty much everything they wanted or needed.  I never wanted them to do without like I did as a child.  

Now that they’re adults, I can’ t keep up.  Since my divorce I can barely make ends meet, but I work two jobs, help raise my grandchildren, pay for my daughter’s car payment, insurance, clothes, and food in addition to my own bills.  I just can’t keep doing this, but I can never say no.

My neighbor invited me to a Celebrate Recovery meeting last week and in looking through some of their materials, I think I might be a codependent.  Lisa, what exactly is codependency and is there any way to be healed from it?

Sincerely,

Tearful in Texas

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Dear Tearful,

Codependence is such a challenging issue.  First identified by those in the health community as they worked with wives of alcoholic men, they noticed that the entire family of the addict displayed addictive tendencies.  What they saw were couples whose relationship became responsible for maintaining the addictive behavior in at least one person in the relationship.

According to Mental Health America,Codependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. Codependent people need external sources, things, or other people to give them feelings of self-worth. 

Often, as a result of destructive parental relationships, or past abusive relationships, codependents find themselves reacting to the people in their lives, constantly worrying about them or caring for them because in truth, they depend on their loved ones to make them feel useful or alive. They put other people’s needs, wants and experiences above their own.  Their relationship with themselves is so painful they no longer trust their own experiences, living trapped in a continual cycle of shame, blame and self-abuse. 

Codependency’s Beginnings

At birth, we are utterly dependent on our caregivers for food, safety, and comfort. Because as infants, our attachment and bonding to our caregiver is critical for our physical and emotional survival, we become reactive to the needs and weaknesses we often see from them.

If we have an unreliable or unavailable parent, we often take on the role of caretaker and/or enabler in childhood, to ensure our safety and to make sure our most basic needs are met. Unfortunately this starts a lifelong destructive thought-pattern that says, If mom or dad is okay, then I can be okay.

Intimate feelings are those that are most deeply personal.  From infancy, those feelings guided us as we attempted to get our needs me.  If our caregivers couldn’t respond to our needs, we concluded that our needs and the feelings driving those needs were a mistake. Finally, we concluded that we must be a mistake. _ Peeling The Onion: Characteristics of Codependents Revisited

Because dysfunctional families rarely acknowledge that problems exist, as children we often repress our own emotions and disregard our own needs to focus on the needs of the unavailable parent. Once we become adults, we can recreate the same dynamic in our adult relationships.

Codependents In Relationships

Codependents may never confront partners because in becoming the caretaker, we often assume it’s our responsibility to clean up after and apologize for our loved one’s behavior. We might even help them continue to use alcohol or drugs by giving them money, food, even drugs and alcohol. We come to believe we are so unlovable and so unworthy that this dysfunctional, destructive relationship is the best we could hope for.

Innately we live out of a false belief that tells us we cannot survive without our partners; therefore we will often do anything to stay in our relationships, no matter however painful. This is what drives us.  We fall in love with an ideal of what love will do for us, how the other person will complete us, fill us, even fix us.  Using sex as a means of false intimacy, relationships temporarily fill the void inside that God Himself was meant to fill.

The fear of losing our primary relationship and thus being alone overpowers any other feeling a codependent might have. The mere thought of trying to address any of our partner’s dysfunctional behaviors can leave us feeling so unsafe we will excuse their behavior, we will deny it above all else, because in doing so we can avoid the rejection we fear most of all.

We say to ourselves:

• I’m the reliable one.

• They need me.  They can’t live without me.

• If I say ‘no’ they might reject me.

• Who is going to help them if I don’t?

• This is just my lot in life —to take care of everyone.

We lose perspective.  Our vision becomes blurred and the line that distinguishes where we end and another begins disappears.  Codependents have never developed a strong sense of self —who we are, what we think, feel, believe, want, or need.  We’ve never learned how to speak our wants and needs directly in our relationships and learn instead to abandon ourselves to what other people want. We learn to unconsciously manipulate people and situations to get our needs met.

Healing Codependecy           

We can adopt roles that support our own codependent needs —the martyr, the savior, the advisor, the people-pleaser, and the yes-men. This never heals the codependency and only fuels the destructive cycle in our relationships. Fortunately, as we become more aware of our defense mechanisms, our lack of boundaries, as well as the underlying needs that fuel our codependent behaviors, we can learn to develop new ways of being with ourselves. We can learn how to care for ourselves. Draw boundaries for ourselves. Perhaps even love ourselves.

We can notice and prioritize our own emotional needs in order to better care for ourselves. We can focus our energies not on solving our loved ones problems, but on being present with ourselves and empowering our own solutions for our own lives. We can draw better boundaries to avoid rushing in to care for and provide for others, choosing instead to take a step back and become less invested, less involved.  We can learn to say no, even in the face of potential ridicule or rejection.  We can learn the blessing of the internal yes, our internal yes —and to speak our yes’ and our no’s to others.

We can heal from our childhood wounds, learn to feel our own emotions, name them, speak them, own responsibility for them.  We can learn to get validation from God and ourselves.  We can resist the pull of the fantasy and learn to embrace the possibility of a healthy, stable reality.

We can learn to believe:

• I don’t have to enable poor choices in others in order to feel reliable. I am discovering who I am, and I no longer need to be something for someone else in order to feel good about myself.  

• They don’t need me, they need God.

• If I say ‘no,’ they might reject me. That will hurt, but I will be okay. God will never reject me. With Him, I am safe, I am loved.  I am enough.

 • I cannot be other’s savior.  Only God can rescue them, heal them, grow them, and save them. 

• My lot in life is not this —God has designed so much more for me.  I can accept His love and learn to love myself.  I can heal, grow, and become healthy in my relationships.

Friend, God is not done with you.  He has so much of Himself He wants to teach you, heal in you. Your journey is just beginning.  Don’t give up.  The healing path is never a straight path, but the rewards are better than anything you could imagine.  Safety, rest, hope, joy, abundance, wholeness, peace— that is His promise for you and your future. Keep taking steps on your journey. Keep believing. Keep trusting.

I will be praying for you!

Lisa

**The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. 

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, I’ve created several extensive tools to help you learn more and begin your journey towards healing!

LISA’S MENTAL HEALTH RESOURCE KIT

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

ASK LISA - How Do I Navigate Sex and Dating?

Ask Lisa is an advice post for people who write in to me, asking questions about a specific problem or situation.  Although this is in no way a substitute for therapy, my hope and prayer is that it gives encouragement and direction for whatever you face.

If you have a specific question you would like answered, write in.  I’d be glad to tackle it together!

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Dear Lisa,

I need your advice.  I am a thirty two year old woman who loves Jesus and who has dreamed of being married her whole life.  I feel stuck and hopeless that I will ever find someone to share my life with.  I don’t date often because I find the online dating scene to be shallow and painful. Just when I begin to talk with someone I enjoy, they ghost me to move on to someone better.  Sometimes they text later when they are bored or have gotten out of another relationship, and act as if nothing ever happened.  The hurt that accumulates becomes overwhelming.  

The men who do ask me out are usually individuals I’ve met through church or close friends.  From the start, it seems like after a few minutes of conversation, the sexual innuendo begins, growing more intense as the evening passes.  What bothers me most is that I was taught from a young age in church to value purity. I was encouraged that my purity would be a great gift to my husband, something he would treasure.  What I have found is quite the contrary.  

When I tell my dates that I am uncomfortable with suggestive conversation on the first date, and that my purity is something I value, they look at me in disbelief.  That’s when the sexual pressure and questioning intensifies, right before they lose interest.  I am insecure in the area of sex because it is something I have never experienced.  I don’t want to be seen as a prude, yet I want men to know clearly where my boundaries are and respect them. I am trying to date quality Christian men, but I feel hopeless in this day and age that I will find anyone who a) doesn’t pressure me for sex, and b) who respects my commitment to purity.  

Is there any hope for me? Does God have someone out there who won’t mock and/or reject me for being a virgin?  Will I ever find my husband if I don’t have sex with them while dating?

Sincerely,

Pressured in Prattville

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 Dear Pressured,

I feel truly sad for your experiences with dating.  I applaud your decision for purity and truly believe that God will ultimately bless your faithfulness to Him.  It does not make your situation any easier, however.  The truth is, we live in a highly sexualized culture where there are few, if any, mores that restrict any sexual desires, even in the church.  Many preachers rarely preach about sexual purity from the pulpit in fear of offending someone.  It has become highly commonplace within the single population of churches to have sex outside of marriage, and the desire for purity seems rare at best. 

This breaks my heart. This is not God’s desire for the church, nor is it His desire for His children.  I share your concern about online dating, which I will share more specifically about in another post; but to be clear, Christians should engage in online dating in a manner that glorifies God, and the dynamics that have become commonplace in the age of technology, do anything but glorify God. Ghosting and baiting devalues God’s children and should be unacceptable to any Believer who is mature in their faith. 

For those who don’t know the terminology, ghosting generally occurs when two people are regularly communicating via phone, text, or Facetime, and one suddenly disappears without warning and without explanation.  Baiting refers to the pattern of reaching back after communication has been cut-off when one is bored or lonely.  

The cycle of ghosting and baiting is disrespectful and unhealthy for everyone involved.  

Human beings are not objects to be used to fill a void of boredom and/or loneliness. CLICK TO TWEET  If you are dating someone online and recognize that you don’t wish to continue the relationship, you should respectfully let the other person know. Furthermore, once you have ended communication, you should never reach out unless you are sincerely reconsidering the relationship and are committed to pursuing the relationship solely and intentionally.  

As to the issue of sexuality in relationship, it saddens me that there is so little respect for purity in the dating world.  Though dating has changed tremendously throughout the years, God has never changed and His Word is as faithful and true today as it has ever been.  

Don’t feel as if you have to compromise your values and beliefs in order to find love.  The person God has created for you would NEVER pressure you to have sex before marriage, nor would they ever make you feel uncomfortable about your decision to honor your faith. CLICK TO TWEET  I know it is hard to believe, but there is someone out there. I don’t know where or when or how God will bring love into your life, but He will.  Trust Him.  

Until then, I don’t believe you have to share your personal boundaries regarding sex with every person you date, especially on a first date. Your boundaries are yours, and you should share them only when you feel led to share them, only to those with whom you feel safe sharing them.  Never allow anyone to pressure you into sharing anything you don’t feel comfortable sharing.  CLICK TO TWEET

No one needs to know your sexual habits or history on the first date —period.  No one. It is completely inappropriate and disrespectful to be pushed into sharing information with a complete stranger.  As you build relationship with someone, you can determine how much information you provide and when —usually as the relationship matures and becomes more serious and in-depth conversations arise naturally.  Respectfully.

We as Believers are called to be ‘set-apart,’ ‘in the world, but not of the world.’  We are to be the light shining in the darkness.We as the Body of Christ have lost our way.  Yet do not lose heart.  Continue to feel proud of who you are, of who Christ has called you to be.  Do not apologize for your purity.  Don’t. You are a daughter of the King. Remember that.  He is faithful and what He started, He will complete.  CLICK TO TWEET

In the meantime, live life to the fullest.  Don’t wait to find love in order to start your life.  Live out your passions and purpose today.  Right now.  Invest yourself in loving and serving others, wherever that may be.  Find joy in every moment.  

I will be prayerful that God will cover you with His peace and protection as you pursue relationship.

Blessings,

Lisa

**The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. 

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

When Grief Feels Like A Forever Good Friday

Sorrow . . . turns out to be not a state but a process, 

 It needs not a map but a history. _C. S. Lewis

I stumbled onto dry bones. There’s a wasteland of them, and at times they still overwhelm my heart.

Months and even years can pass while I stay far away from the path that leads me there, to the empty place.  But one word, one moment, one look can steal my heart away from its present calm and drop me right in the middle of this desolate graveyard.

My family is on a healing journey, and it’s forcing me to open the door to a pain I thought I could escape.  It turns out I can’t.

Grief , it seems, can feel like a forever Good Friday. The terror of the night sky that drapes the midday sun —the tears, the guilt, at times the numb indifference— how they rip a heart from top to bottom, all in a singular exhale.  Sorrow unmercifully crushes the soft confines of the soul and crumbles hope into a thousand tiny clumps of clay. Right before my eyes.

My soul cries out…

How do I let go?

How can I run away from this place?

Will life ever feel safe again?

What could I have done to prevent this pain?

These are the things that spill through the cracks in my heart.

I wonder if that’s what Mary Magdalene felt on that day —that Good Friday when her world fell apart, when everything that was Truth and Life was lifted on two rough-hewn pieces of timber and there was nothing she could do to stop it? Nothing she could do to silence the sound of nails piercing flesh. Nothing she could do to lift Him up for one more gasp of air.  Nothing.

Grief is the emotional realization that life will never be the same from this moment forward.  It is the helpless struggle to accept that there is nothing we can change or control.  It is our heart’s final surrender to loss. CLICK TO TWEET

Jesus knows the pain of grief and anguish.  He knows precisely the darkness of Good Friday —how walking towards God’s plan didn’t quell the agony, didn’t calm the fear, didn’t right the wrongs of injustice, didn’t prevent the exhaustion, the dread, the total destruction of body and soul.  Each step He took towards the cross.  His death.

And sometimes I can get stuck right there.  I don’t want to but I do.  I can get stuck in the pain of my present circumstances.  I can cling to my sorrows and drag them behind me as my cross. I can crave them as familiar companions to protect my heart from risking again.  I can keep them close to numb myself from moving forward into the unknown —alone.  

There are three things to remember when your grief seems like a forever Good Friday:

Good Friday visits each of us.  

Ann Voskamp declares, Life is loss.  Life on this earth will always be accompanied by death —physical death and emotional death.

Jesus knew his Good Friday was coming.  He had lived preparing for it His whole life, yet it didn’t make His suffering any easier. In the Garden of Gethsemane, He offered, Not my will, but Yours be done (Matt 26:39, NIV) In surrendering to God’s plan, He tells each of us that we too can surrender to our grief, we can accept the cup of suffering knowing He is with us every step of the way.  Understanding that He knows perfectly what it means to be broken.  Spilled out.  Empty. CLICK TO TWEET

Don’t try to hide from the pain of grief, don’t try to get around it.  You will never escape it.  Grief is the medicine God uses to heal the loss-disease that infects the most vulnerable places in our hearts.  Healing happens in hard places.  CLICK TO TWEET

The sky will feel black as night.  The thunder will terrify the uncertain tremors in your heart.  You will feel as if hope will never rise again…

But it will.

Good Friday’s don’t last forever.

Even in death, God prepares life.  As I learn to expose my fragile, wounded self and accept the cold discomfort of living outside my knowing, God is always right here waiting— waiting to comfort me, waiting to hold me, waiting to feel the sorrow with me.  

I hear Him as He whispers quietly,

Hold on.

Stay close.

I’m not going anywhere.

You’re safe here. CLICK TO TWEET

I wonder if Jesus whispered those words from the cross to Mary Magdalene that Good Friday?  I wonder if He was comforting her as He gave Himself for her?  I wonder if she felt His presence with her on her road to Sunday?

Your grief will groan for a season.  There is no time schedule, no tempo that is dictated to you, even if others need you to hurry along.  God never needs you to hurry along.  He waits patiently with you while you heal.  

He knows…

Easter is on the horizon.

Whatever is pressing within us, whatever sorrow has been exposed bone and marrow, grief will always leads us to the tomb.  Like Mary Magdalene that Easter morning, in the midst of her pain—searching, seeking her Rabbi, her Friend, her Messiah.  She could not have felt, she couldn’t have believed the tomb was empty.  She could never have comprehended that Easter had arrived.  Death had been defeated.  Her salvation had come.  A new season with new life and new hope had been born. CLICK TO TWEET

Right in the middle of a graveyard.  There— in a sea of dry bones.

And all our present pain, all of our brokenness and suffering, all the losses, perhaps all our darkest moments, become places where we can see Him the clearest.  I don’t know about you, but I can. I can see Him around me working and moving.  I see Him raising up dry bones in you and me.  I see Him moving in our midst —reclaiming hopes and hearts, families and dreams.  

He is our Sunday morning.  He is our resurrection hope.  He’s the healing for our wounded hearts.

Good Fridays can seem like forever…

But Easter Sunday is coming!

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

ASK LISA - How Do I Stop The Cycle of Anger?

Ask Lisa is an advice post for people who write in to me, asking questions about a specific problem or situation.  Although this is in no way a substitute for therapy, my hope and prayer is that it gives encouragement and direction for whatever you face.

If you have a specific question you would like answered, write in.  I’d be glad to tackle it together!

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Dear Lisa,

I know you write about emotions, but I have to be honest that it is something I still struggle with. My mother never showed any emotion —except anger— and no matter how hard I try, I find myself lashing out in anger with my children.  I always promised myself that I would never be like her, yet I am helpless to stop.  

My childhood was filled with abuse, addiction, and neglect.  I can’t think of anything happy or warm about it.  The more chaos I saw as I child, the more I shut down.  I hid behind a veneer of nothingness.  I never let myself feel anything.  That’s how I survived.  Though inside I could sense that things around me weren’t normal, it was the only life I knew.  In my teens, I went to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain inside.  To allow myself to feel would have been too overwhelming for me.

Having been in recovery for three years, I am learning for the first time how to feel.  It is the single hardest thing I have ever done. Sometimes it seems easier to go back, to once again run from and mask the feelings of pain.  But I can’t.  I am committed to myself —the child in me who was wounded so long ago.  I am committed to her healing, learning to love her so that I can learn to love my children and parent them well.  My question is this—how do I stop the cycle of anger? Why am I unable to respond in a healthy way to my children?  I want freedom.

Sincerely,

Angry in Arkansas

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Dear Angry,

Thank you so much for your authenticity in sharing the realities not only of your childhood, but your recovery and anger issues.  It takes so much courage to be able to let down our defenses and acknowledge the truth of our situation. First of all, let me say that my heart breaks to hear of your childhood.  No child should ever experience the pain that you felt when you were so young.  Part of your healing journey is to grieve for that little girl, to let her know she is seen, to mourn with her for what she endured for so long.  I encourage you, as part of your recovery, if you haven’t done so, find a grief recovery group or therapist to walk with you during that process.  I imagine part of your anger is associated with grief, as anger is one of the five stages of grief (shock, depression, anger, bargaining, and acceptance), and is needful for you to experience in a healthy way.

As I hear you recount how you survived childhood by shutting down, I would ascertain that you never learned to feel or deal with your emotions and learned instead to stuff them and/or numb them.  Dear friend, you will never find full healing until you can a) give yourself permission to feel and, b) learn how to calm yourself IN your emotions so that you can talk yourself through them more productively.  As children, we learn our primary responses to emotions through watching and mimicking our parents (or primary caregivers).  You are simply repeating how you saw your mother deal with her emotions.  

You can choose to cultivate a different relationship with your emotions.  You can step beyond and discover ALL of your emotions —how to feel them, name them, calm them, and talk yourself through them. CLICK TO TWEET  I do encourage as well that you find a good therapist who can guide you along the way, so that you can experience the internal calm and confidence that comes from knowing how to regulate our emotions effectively.

For many, anger puts us into “fight-or-flight” mode where we become reactive vs. responsive to a situation. In those moments, allow yourself to walk away. Do not parent in anger. Calm down, think through how you want to respond to your child, what appropriate consequences need to be enacted. Breathe. Outside the moments of anger make the commitment to no hitting, no swearing, no name-calling, no screaming. If you need to scream, go to your room and scream into a pillow.

Lastly, I do encourage you that you are probably doing better than you think. You have been committed to recovery and that is such a courageous step to take for yourself and your family. All parents fail, we all lose it with our kids.  We do.  Don’t shame yourself.  The enemy would love nothing more than to see you spiral in your shame back into addiction. Remember that you are on your journey. Shame steals while compassion heals. CLICK TO TWEET

God loves you.  He has a plan for your life.  He is healing, and teaching, and growing you to become the woman He designed from the beginning.  Hold onto that.  Don’t let go. You are the Beloved.  You are His child.  You are becoming.  I believe you will learn how to manage your anger, I believe you will learn more and more who you are in Christ, as a woman, a wife, and a mom.  I believe that God has future for you —Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG) says, I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

Keep going.  Don’t stop now.  The work you do now can change the legacy for your entire family!

Blessings, 

Lisa

**The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. 

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FREE GIFTS!!

If you struggle to feel, name, or work through your emotions effectively, I’ve created several powerful resources, including my Emotions Chart, Emotional Intelligence Toolkit to help you grow in your emotional wellbeing and equip you to walk well in your life and relationships. They are FREE (along with my ENTIRE resource library) when you subscribe to my weekly newsletter and will empower and equip you to discover the spiritual, emotional, and relational healing and wellbeing you’ve always desired!

Claim your gifts now!

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Eight Traits Emotionally-Intelligent People Use For Success - (plus, find out your Emotional Intelligence score NOW!)

I used to think I was fairly smart.  I graduated at the top of my class, got a full scholarship to college.  I should have had everything necessary for success —but I didn’t.

Emotionally, I was a wreck. Though I had a good IQ, my EQ (emotional quotient) wasn’t very high and that impacted everything —my career, my relationships, everything.

Daniel Goleman, one of the prominent researchers on emotional intelligence found that only 20% of success in life was determined by our IQ, while 80% of our success is determined by our EQ.  That’s right – 80%.  

Last week  I wrote about God’s design for our emotions. 

 If you missed it, you can read ‘Why Your Emotions Matter More Than You Think.’

I’ve found eight traits emotionally-intelligent people use for success not just in their careers, but in all of their relationships as well. Make sure to read to the end and take our Emotional Intelligence Quiz!

1.       They’re more self-aware.

Individuals with emotional intelligence are able to accurately self-reflect.  They know their personality, their core strengths and weaknesses, as well as environments that will bring out the best in them.  They don’t allow their weaknesses to hold them back.  Rather than beating themselves up for what they don’t know or struggle to do well, they focus on creating strategies to improve skill sets so they can achieve their goals.

Emotionally-intelligent people have cultivated a healthy relationship with their emotions. They understand, in developing a healthy relationship with their emotions, an amazing thing happens: they no longer have to be afraid of their emotions, nor do they have run from them. The simply deal with them. CLICK TO TWEET

2.They live with balance.

Because they have a high level of self-awareness, they instinctively know how to cultivate and maintain balance in their lives. Whether at work or in their personal lives, they understand how to take care of themselves well in order to be the best they can be in every area of life.  They eat well, get plenty of rest, and foster interests outside of work to establish and enjoy a greater sense of wellbeing.

3.They’re not perfectionists.

While emotionally-intelligent individuals are highly motivated and accomplished, they recognize that perfection is impossible.  Instead of creating an impossible cycle of unrealistic expectations followed by frustration and shame, they focus their energies on doing their best, maintaining flexibility, and learning from their mistakes.  

4. They’re curious about life.

They’ve learned to cultivate an appreciation for varied and unique experiences.  They are curious and passionate, knowing how to explore and learn new concepts and skills. Their curiosity makes them equally open to asking questions as well as to adapting to new solutions.  Curious people are delightful people who haven’t lost their innate sense of wonder in a complex world of responsibilities.

5.  They’re empathetic with others.

An essential quality of EQ, individuals are well-skilled in their ability to relate to others.  They can listen, understand, and offer empathy to others as they share thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  This better communication and reduces conflict both in the workplace and in personal relationships.

6. They’re growth-oriented.

Individuals with high EQ aren’t afraid of change. Because they are open to learning new things, they embrace growth as a necessary and important part of life. They are eager to accept challenges and usually adapt well even under difficult circumstances.  In seeing the bigger picture, they can mobilize internal strategies to adjust and energize around new problems and circumstances.

7. They’re grateful.

Living with gratitude has an enormous impact on our level of Emotional Intelligence.  People who have a grateful disposition look for things big and small for which they can be thankful. Click To Tweet  They are generally satisfied with life and rarely allow negative feedback or people to influence their lives or their decisions.

8.  They bring out the best in others.

Because they are at peace with themselves, people with EQ are able to see coworkers and friends not as threats, but as assets.  Not needing to be defensive with others, they instead create a safe environment in which others can thrive.  They love to see colleagues, friends, and family reach their potential and are motivated by cooperation rather than competition.  

How many of these qualities are you able to identify? Do some seem to come naturally while others seem overwhelming?

The best news about Emotional Intelligence is that it can be cultivated and nurtured throughout our lives.  Where we are today does not have to determine our future.  

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How can You find out what Your Emotional Intelligence is?

I’ve included this quiz for subscribers as part of my Resource Library that will help you get a baseline of your EQ.

My book, Peace For A Lifetime: Embracing a Life of Hope, Wholeness, and Harmony Through Emotional Abundanceis all about learning the skills to lower your anxiety, lower the drama in your life, increase your Emotional Abundance, and maximize your peace!

The more we increase our level of EI, the more stable, positive, and productive our lives become, and the less chaotic, reactive, and hopeless our relationships feel.  This is the single greatest area we could invest in for ourselves, our children, and our futures so that we can achieve our best life!

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Why Your Emotions Matter More Than You Think (and 3 ways to cultivate a better relationship with them)

Emotions can be pesky little things.  We can try to run from them, we can try to get around them, yet they always surface when we least expect them.

We’ve all grown up with different beliefs about emotions.  Some of us were taught (verbally or nonverbally) that emotions are bad —a sign of weakness —to be ignored or pushed away in favor of logic and reason, which are safer, better, it would seem.  Others grew up in households where emotions ran high, where feelings were shouted rather than spoken, and individuals lived in the chaos of emotional highs and lows.

Add to this the spiritual dimension where many in the church are often taught that good emotions are good —blessings to be pursued and enjoyed —while bad emotions are bad —attacks from the enemy, a sign of sin for sure —and we can become lost in a hurricane of confusion without ever knowing how to calm the internal storm.

That’s where I landed. Confused.  A mess, really.  I had no understanding of God’s design for my spiritual/emotional wellbeing, nor could I even fathom a life of stability, wholeness, or peace with my emotions.  

The word emotion comes from the French word ‘emovoire’ – to excite, and is defined as, ‘a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others, instinctive or intuitive feeling as distinguished from reasoning or knowledge.’

Here’s the truth —God designed us as emotional beings.  He did, and He declared that it was good. (Gen. 1:31, NIV) God created all of our emotions, not just the positive ones.  Jesus experienced all emotions (Hebrews 4:15-16, NIV), and He did so without sin.  John Calvin memorably summed it up, ‘Christ has put on our feelings along with our flesh.’

There is nowhere in Scripture where it defines the victorious, Christian, self-actualized life as one where we reach a nirvana of emotional bliss and get to skip the line for despair, sorrow, anger, rejection, and a whole host of other negative emotions. Jesus didn’t, so why should we?

We will find the abundant life God designed for us the more we recognize the importance of our emotions and learn to pursue a life of Emotional Abundance, which is defined in my book, Peace For A Lifetime, as, ‘the over-sufficient supply, the overflowing fullness in the area of our instinctive, intuitive feeling responses as we come in contact with our environment and our relationships.  It is the ability to feel our emotions, to reason through our emotions, to understand our emotions and to effectively manage our emotions so that we can appropriately respond to the people and circumstances around us.  It is the capacity to meet the demands of everyday life and create meaning, in order to move forward in a positive direction.’ 

Here are three ways we can start today to develop a healthy relationship with our emotions and experience a life of strength, stability, and peace.

1.   Don’t Stifle Your Emotions.  

Face them.  Feel them. We will never lead the life we want to lead, we will never experience stability if we live our lives running from every feeling that lies around the corner.  

Stifling our emotions is not only hazardous to our emotional health, it is hazardous to our spiritual and physical health as well. Suppressed feelings don’t evaporate; they eventually burst out and wreak havoc in our lives. We all know the mess a burst emotional pipe can make. Ulcers and migraines. Family feuds and broken friendships. Anger and retaliation. Emotions are not bad; stifling our emotions is bad. 

If you have a hard time developing a healthy relationship with your emotions, my book Peace For A Lifetime, teaches all about emotions and can equip with step by step instructions on how to experience the abundance and peace in every area of your life!

2.    See Your Emotions As A Gift From God To Guide You.

No, our emotions shouldn’t control us, but God put them there to give us the first indications that something is going on inside us that God wants to use to get our attention.  Learning to welcome our emotions in an appropriate way, is the first step towards understanding them and using God’s two other great gifts —the gift of our mind and the gift of our will —to speak the truth to our emotions, to calm them, to care for them so that we can take healthy steps forward on our journey.

As long as we see our emotions as the enemy, we will remain in a constant state of defeat and despair.  The reason —we cannot live a life without negative emotions.  The stresses and circumstances of life invite them. Trying to simply pray them away or run from them, is not only an impossible task, it is not what God has for you.  He wants you to build balance, health, and understanding in your relationship with your emotions.  Do it, and watch what happens.

3.  Learn To Glorify God In Your Emotions.  

John Piper says that, ‘God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.’

When we develop a healthy relationship with our emotions, an amazing thing happens: we no longer have to be afraid of our emotions, nor do we have to run from them. Finding clarity, truth, healing, understanding, and direction, in our emotions yields the gift of abundance and peace that extends into all of our relationships, even our relationship with God.  

I don’t know about you, but I long to find my deepest satisfaction in God.  By discovering healing and wholeness in my emotional life, it binds together and strengthens my physical and spiritual self as well.  

That is the wholeness God talked about in I Thess. 5:23 (AMP) when it says, Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you through and through [that is, separate you from profane and vulgar things, make you pure and whole and undamaged—consecrated to Him—set apart for His purpose]; and may your spirit and soul and body be kept complete and [be found] blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

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FREE GIFTS!

If you struggle to feel, name, or work through your emotions effectively, I’ve created several powerful resources, including my Emotions Chart, Emotional Intelligence Toolkit to help you grow in your emotional wellbeing and equip you to walk well in your life and relationships. They are FREE (along with my ENTIRE resource library) when you subscribe to my weekly newsletter and will empower and equip you to discover the spiritual, emotional, and relational healing and wellbeing you’ve always desired!

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891